Wolverine

I defy you to tell me one positive thing about The Wolverine. My eyes were just raped. Dry eye rape.

Void of any humor, The Wolverine fails to provide anything aside from a one-dimensional comic book movie. Perhaps we’ve all been spoiled by The Dark Knight as the pinnacle of what a superhero movie can aspire towards. This movie could have been so much better if it had any grit or personality…or if there was anything remotely interesting in The Wolverine.

There’s no amount of drugs that can make this movie tolerable.

Without question, the first act contains all of the “best” parts of The Wolverine. However, the second act quickly fades into obscurity thanks to a tedious pace and the third act just struggles miserably to the finish line. And if you think you have an idea of what is going to happen, it will play out exactly as you think it will happen. The Wolverine does not go out on a limb by any standard (and it has no imagination), and its predictability will only provide satisfaction for the stupid who love a nice pretty bow on everything.

It is really a shame since Wolverine is such a rich character that is almost impossible to hate. As far as comic book characters are concerned, Wolverine has to be right near the top of any list. His character offers an entertaining concoction of vulnerability and balls, and he always is and will continue to be the correct answer to any “superhero vs. superhero” theoretical argument.

I don’t think The Wolverine knew what it wanted to be. But they did know how they wanted to market it. While this will be a considered a box office success and likely have a huge international return, The Wolverine is a disjointed mess without any memorable aspect. After the next few days, the only thing I will remember about this movie is how much I did not enjoy it.

The whole time watching this movie, I kept thinking how significantly more entertaining The Wolverine could have been if Darren Aronofsky (Pi, Requiem for a Dream, The Wrestler) actually directed it, which is part of the reason why this movie feels so disjointed. James Mangold ended up directing The Wolverine with the screenplay crafted by Christopher McQuarrie, Scott Frank, and Mark Bomback—originally written by McQuarrie and re-written by Bomback after Darren Aronofsky dropped out. Maybe not even Aronofsky could have saved this turd, but I have a hard time believing this wouldn’t have been substantially better with him behind the wheel.

MoleSure, directors and actors are attached to and drop out from movies all the time before production. But I don’t think this movie should have been made without Aronofsky. The Wolverine is just an amalgamation of the worst parts of the X-Men franchise minus all the mutants. Aside from Wolverine, the only other mutant is Viper, which is a female foe that hits one note and nothing more. Viper is played by Svetlana Khodchenkova and her acting was distractingly dismal. Khodchenkova is best known for playing the role of the mole on Fred Savage’s face during Austin Powers in Goldmember. I kept expecting her mole to turn into a bug and crawl towards her fucking mouth.

VeinsI wish there was at least a really good acting performance that you could hang on to in The Wolverine. Hugh Jackman did a solid job yet again, but what more can he do with this role? At this point, even Hugh has to be tired of donning that ridiculous hairdo. Well, maybe all the millions he’s set to rake in as a result will offset that.

Can someone explain to me why Jackman went on the Ryan Braun diet for The Wolverine? I hate to tell him all his carb-loading and intense workouts were entirely necessary. Luckily, I didn’t watch this in 3D. I was afraid Jackman’s disgusting veins were going to explode whenever he strained himself.

I’m not spoiling anything here, but there are a few scenes in the beginning where Wolverine shares the screen with a grizzly bear. That has to be some of the worst special effects for a big budget movie in recent memory. Regardless of whether it was CGI or a prop head/puppet or some combination thereof, but it was distractingly bad. There’s been a lot of buzz about the bullet train scene as well.

Prepared to be disappointed.

I’ve probably written way more than The Wolverine warrants, but I’m motivated to finish this so I can move on and start forgetting I even watched it. The best part of The Wolverine is when the movie ends—in more ways than one. There’s an end of credits scene that sets up the next movie, which is destined to be considerably more entertaining since there has to be more mutants than you can count on one hand.

Do yourself a favor and skip The Wolverine. Do not watch.

1 out of 5 stars

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