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I don’t take pleasure in this. No one should enjoy shitting on a movie. In addition to all the money invested, there’s always a lot of collective time and energy expelled by those working behind the scenes that make movies possible. And I do appreciate those efforts. But something went wrong with R.I.P.D. here…something went horribly, horribly wrong.

If I had my druthers, I definitely wouldn’t subject myself to such awful films void of any entertainment value. But the fact that there are people out there that think R.I.P.D. is a good movie seems impossible, and I feel the need to debunk that myth. Consider this a service to you: do not watch this movie.

Under no circumstances should R.I.P.D. be a movie that you are planning to see.

Even free admission can’t outweigh the cost of time wasted watching this movie. What you will read below may contain spoilers so consider yourself saved from actually having to watch R.I.P.D. by instead reading just a few thoughts on the proceedings. I cannot stress enough the truly terrible nature of this movie.

To compare R.I.P.D. to Men in Black (M.I.B.) is an insult to Men in Black. Vincent D’Onofrio’s performance as Edgar (The Bug) is one of the most remarkable performances I’ve ever seen in a movie. That is not an easy turn to make both physically with the way D’Onofrio maneuvers and the manner in which he talks. There is nothing that comes remotely close to D’Onofrio’s phenomenal performance in R.I.P.D.

RoycephusWhen you’re already starting out using a very popular idea like that which is embodied in Men in Black (1997), it probably isn’t a good strategy to have Jeff Bridges (Roycephus) play the exact same character as his last movie—Rooster Cogburn from True Grit. I don’t blame Bridges, it’s not his fault as he does the best he can with what he’s given. I don’t even blame Ryan Reynolds because I can’t imagine anyone really doing much with the role of Nick since he’s written as a vapid character mostly there as a device to advance the very limited story.  This is not a well-crafted tale by any means.

From the start, R.I.P.D. is an uninspired microwaved turd that doesn’t do itself any favors by harkening back to much better movies because that doesn’t make me care more about what I’m currently watching.

Kevin Bacon is third billed behind Bridges and Reynolds so you can only naturally assume that he’s playing the villain because Bacon certainly isn’t playing the third banana on the good (vs. evil) side. If you have a brain or any insight into how movies work, you already know how this is all going to play out. No one will be going out on a limb or doing anything new. This is predictability at its finest.

My one burning question to the writers and director:
Why are you relegating your best actor (Jeff Bridges) to being Foghorn Leghorn?

I understand that R.I.P.D. is intended to be over-the-top. But when everything else is so outlandish, wouldn’t the movie benefit by having Jeff Bridges play the role of Roy more straight instead of howling his one-liners in his gruff southern growl? I think a good case can be made that it would have allowed Bridges to deliver his jokes better, which has always seemed like a significant factor in translating humor from text to the screen. That change alone could have made R.I.P.D. more entertaining.

But alas, there’s very little joy to be found as a result of so many flaws and a slow, turtle-like pace that focuses entirely too much on the love story—which lacks any passion and fails to make the audience feel even slightly invested. Not even the visual effects are worthwhile. Nomovie should ever have such unacceptable CGI work unless it is made by the Sci-Fi Network. The “ghosts” mysteriously transform from their human form into some mutated mess when put in contact with Indian food. Yes, you read that right. Don’t expect any justification for why Indian food causes this transformation, but it happens.

Ghost CreatureStudent films have had better effects. Some creative make-up work would have really provided a much-needed infusion of life into this lifeless zombie. None of the transformations from human to monster are remotely interesting or creatively inspired.

If you’ve seen a preview or trailer of R.I.P.D., then you have seen a giant prolapsed anus sucking Ryan Reynolds up into the sky.

Everything is just so disappointing across the board.

Who thought this was a good idea? There are several video games with more effort put into the story than what is displayed in this movie. Apparently, there’s an ancient artifact that allows the dead to invade Earth…even though there are ghosts that somehow already exist on Earth.

Oh, and people can interact with them and see their transformation into some type of subhuman creature. The top of a fucking skyscraper explodes in one scene and no one bats an eye. People are still on the streets and sirens are not blaring when a whole slew of these bloated blobs are terrorizing downtown. This would even be over the-top for a video game and the characters would be too flat for the two dimensions.

What world does this exist in?

At one point, someone is being bludgeoned over the head repeatedly by a massive, jagged boulder, which results in zero damage. R.I.P.D. either wasn’t aware or just didn’t care about establishing any stakes. There was nothing of importance added even though Earth is supposedly hanging in the balance.

If the creators do not care about what they are making, then the audience cannot be reasonably expected to care either. As with the aforementioned Indian food that triggers the transformation, nothing is ever explained or addressed. A lot of ridiculous, superfluous shit happens and there’s not even a half-hearted attempt at a resolution or understanding of this horrific train wreck.

How did R.I.P.D. get made? Did it start off as a piece of shit after the first draft of the script? Were there just a ton of untalented, idiotic hands putting their fingerprints on something that started off with some promise? I really want to know where this got fucked up along the way and who is responsible.

The final result of the big studio system here is an unforgivable nightmare. Without question, R.I.P.D. is a radically incoherent pile of dog shit. Do whatever you can to avoid this forever.

1 out of 5 stars

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