Insidious and Insidious: Chapter 2

Posted: September 20, 2013 in Film
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Insidious was a stinky turd—essentially a less interesting, feature-length rendition of Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun” music video, complete with pale white makeup and Cheshire cat smiles while performing creepy acts.  Maybe it made you jump or you might have been intrigued by the idea of astral projection.  But this cannot be mistaken for a good movie.  And Chapter 2 of this tale is worse, much worse.

If you missed the first edition of Insidious, then let me catch you up to speed with all you need to know to make an informed decision to (hopefully) not to watch this movie or the sequel.

InsidiousA young couple’s child literally falls into a coma after falling off a creaky old ladder (thanks to his shitty mom) inside the attic of their new home, and the mom hears and sees some scary shit that causes them to call a family friend who brings her two fucked up paranormal partners to investigate the house.  But the house isn’t haunted…their son is the one who is haunted!  You see, their son can leave his body when he sleeps and now he’s ventured out too far so Darth Maul wants to possess his body and hurt people.  But the father is unknowingly a gifted astral projector (from a young age) so he successfully brings his son back.

It’s all wrapped up with a nice crisp bow, but the bow is composed of crusty old gym socks.  If Insidious was a stinky turd, then Insidious: Chapter 2 was as if that same stinky turd festered in the sun for three years before then being zapped in the microwave for a good few minutes.

I consider it a shame that this nonsensical continuation of a bad concept has already grossed more than $40 million from a relatively shoestring budget of $5 million.  Why do people flock to these movies?  Can it really just be as simple as people want to feel scared?  Insidious: Chapter 2 played out like more of a live-action haunted house that you are stuck in for two hours until they mercifully end the charade.

If people want to be frightened, then they can go to any Wal-Mart in America and be deathly afraid for the future of mankind.  You don’t need to be subjected to more than an hour and a half of hot garbage in exchange for a handful of cheap crescendo scares—scenes culminating in an overwhelming orgy of soul-crushing noise that begs you to be scared.  Oh, the music.  The fucking music.

No one needs to have their ears bleed when you’re just being shown the title card of the movie.  The music and effects in Insidious and Insidious: Chapter 2 are an insult to taste.  Nothing of value is added and the tone it attempts to set is entirely too heavy-handed and laughably awful.

Insidious: Chapter 2 is not a horror movie, it is a laugh riot.  I found myself holding back every time the ghost bitch-slapped someone, which was early and often.  Good luck not laughing hysterically when the infamous “He’s got your baby!” scene from the trailer comes up.  It is ungood.

Insidious 2

The story in the sequel is simply a continuation that picks up directly from the finish of the first effort.  The writers think they are way too cute and clever.  While the plot is convoluted, it does sync up with the original story.  But the first 15 minutes of the sequel are just the acting out of story that was provided in Insidious so you are really seeing nothing new or remotely interesting.  There are several moments in the movie that are as equally boring and uneventful.  And somehow the writers think they can just get away with glossing over the father’s obvious suspected role as the murderer of Lorraine (the paranormal investigator) when his hands were wrapped around her neck and choked the life out of her.

However, there’s no evidence of fingerprints or any proof.  There’s that little creativity invested into this movie.  And it shows a certain level of contempt for its audience by insulting their intelligence.  Regardless of how cheap the product is, they know that they’ll get enough asses in the seats to turn a profit.  As a financial strategy, it is successful and devious.  But if you’re interested in producing a quality film, this has to be considered a complete failure for the lack of attention paid to the plot or any details.

Black Hole SunThere’s absolutely nothing memorable about either of these two movies and 95% of what happens are scenes you’ve seen several times over.  Can we please retire the seeing something scary in the mirror schtick?  While the end of this movie leaves a lot to be desired, it sets up for yet another sequel that I’m sure will suck even more ass.  Please do not see this and let this review serve as the stand-in for your viewing displeasure of Insidious and Insidious: Chapter 2.  We don’t need any more unimaginative, paint by numbers piles of shit. I would much rather watch the “Black Hole Sun” music video on repeat for 30 times than watch either of these movies.

Avoid at all costs.  Do not watch.

1 out of 5 stars

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