As a pitcher who was fat for most of my baseball career, I have a certain love and appreciation for fat baseball players.  There are a lot of lists out there documenting these large heroes, but I found them unsatisfactory as a baseball fan who remembered much fatter figures through the years.  As I was making this list, the pitcher:hitter ratio was perfect so enjoy my Top 25 favorite fat pitchers and hitters.

Top 25 Favorite Fat Pitchers (Alphabetical Order)

AlfonsecaAntonio Alfonseca

El Pulpo. It’s a credit to Alfonseca that the creepiest thing about him wasn’t the fact that he looked like he was pregnant for most of his career—I always expected the Chestburster from Alien to pop out of his stomach. Anyone who had the displeasure of watching ALF (Alien Life Form) pitch should know that he’s a circus freak with an extra digit on each hand and foot, which is a condition called polydactyly. Forget about Mordecai “Three-Finger” Brown. All hail Antonio “The Octopus” Alfonseca.

Rod Beck

Shooter

Shooter. Look at those gorgeous, flowing locks. That thick, bristly Fu Manchu mustache. The way Shooter used to let his right arm hang before throwing a pitch invoked an aura of cold command. Rod Beck was what every baseball player should strive to be. After successfully coming back from Tommy John surgery, Shooter lived in a mobile home while pitching in AAA for the Cubs, and he welcomed fans to come by to chat over a beer. I strongly urge you to read the story written by Amy K. Nelson following his death…

“Christmas parties always brought out the best in Rod Beck. They epitomized him, really. There were games, karaoke, plenty of booze and a mix of people who came because they loved the guy everyone called “Shooter.” Here he was, an All-Star closer making millions of dollars. And when they asked what to bring, his guests were told to bring a toy. Beck and his wife, Stacey, wanted to make sure Toys for Tots had plenty of gifts for the children.

It sounded like a Hallmark card, but it was true. Beck was nothing if not genuine. He was a normal guy who usually called everyone “dude,” who instead of asking a clubhouse attendant to pick up his used, dirty towels, would ask him to go share a smoke.”

We lost one of baseball’s most iconic closers far too early.

Heath Bell

Heath

Heater. Hefty relievers are a staple of baseball. Heath will be most remembered for stupidly sliding into the mound when he was called into relief during the 2011 All-Star Game at Chase Field in Arizona.

Jonathan Broxton

Broxton

Ox. I have no idea how much Jonathan Broxton really weighs, but he certainly exceeds 300 pounds. Broxton is getting fatter every season so he may very well approach 400 pounds before it is all said and done. In Kansas City, fellow pitchers Everett Teaford and Tim Collins commandeered Broxton’s pants and each of them were able to completely fit into one leg. Broxton is literally the size of 2-3 people.

Joba Chamberlain

Joba

Joba the Hutt. Coming out of the University of Nebraska, there were serious concerns about Joba’s weight and whether or not his body could withstand the rigors of being a starting pitcher. I was not dissuaded and did everything to draft him in my simulation baseball league. The early returns on Joba’s career were very promising, but the Yankees handled him with kid gloves and his value has plummeted exponentially ever since while his weight has steadily increased. Now that the time has come to part with New York, it will be interesting to see if Joba can shed the weight and his “soft” label in the coming years.

Todd Coffey

Coffey

I don’t intend to sound mean, but Todd Coffey may have the biggest titties of a pitcher in MLB history. Coffey would unfortunately run (or waddle very quickly) to the mound whenever his name was called from the bullpen. It always seemed to me like someone was ringing the dinner bell for Coffey Time.

Bartolo Colon

Colon

Regardless of whether we’re talking about the fattest or ugliest baseball players, Bartolo Colon surely has to make the list. Fartolo has experienced quite the career resurgence amid a shady stem cell procedure on his shoulder that may or may not have involved human growth hormone. I’m not sure how Colon is still pitching successfully at the major league level. The man has no torso and it looks like his throws are powered only by his shoulder because he can’t rotate his midsection like a normal person.

Sid Fernandez

El Sid

El Sid. Another Met hero graces the Top 50 MLB Fatties. Fernandez is a native of Hawaii (much like another Met from Hawaii who wore #50, Benny Agbayani) and he built his career off of deception with a truly unorthodox pitching style. El Sid’s knees eventually gave out as a result of withstanding all that weight.

Mike Fetters

Fetters

Fetters always looked like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter. Infamous for his jarring head movement when pitching, Fetters claimed the move was to relieve stress before delivering the pitch. I call bullshit. The theatrics helped Fetters notch 16 seasons in the majors despite never being very good at his job.

Terry Forster

Forster

Fat Tub of Goo. Terry Forster is a legacy add to this list as a result of David Letterman calling the lefty a “fat tub of goo” on Late Night with David Letterman. Forster later appeared as a guest on the show and ate a sandwich as he entered. Forster also recorded a novelty song called “Fat Is In,” which I can only assume was a source of inspiration for Weird Al’s “Fat.” Forster embraced the stereotype with an open mouth.

Rich Garces

El Guapo

El Guapo. Rich Garces is the fattest baseball player I’ve ever seen. Nicknamed “The Handsome One” by teammate Mike Maddux for his resemblance to the villain of Three Amigos, Rich Garces somehow managed to garner a cult following in Boston. Considering how long it took for Garces to wobble out to the mound, it’s amazing that MLB didn’t bring back the bullpen car, which would’ve certainly shortened Red Sox games in which Rich Garces appeared by an average of about 30 minutes—depending on what he ate that day.

Eddie Guardado

Guardado

Everyday Eddie. Who knew fat could translate into longevity? It’s shocking to learn that Not So Fast Eddie pitched 17 years in the majors. The lasting memory I’ll have of Guardado is a play where he displayed a surprising spryness when a pop up got lost in the lights and he ran as fast as he could into foul territory to dive and catch the ball. It was a delightful defensive play for any ballplayer, but it was made that much more impressive considering Everyday Eddie was carrying a wet garbage bag he called his belly.

Aaron Harang

Harangutan

Harangutan. Aaron Harang is the Missing Link. I’ve never seen anyone who looks more like an orangutan than human. With his deep, inset eyes and stretched out baboon-esque face, Harang is a sure bet to land on a list of baseball’s ugliest players. I feel old when I think back 11 years ago to 2002 when I picked up Harang in Fantasy Baseball for his major league debut (then with the Oakland Athletics) as he shocked everyone with a 10-strikeout performance. The Harangutan is now nearing his end in baseball.

Livan Hernandez

Livan

As far as I can remember, Livan Hernandez was really the first Cuban professional baseball player to break through. In his rookie season in 1997, Hernandez helped the Florida Marlins win the World Series against the Cleveland Indians and he took MVP honors as a result of his Game 1 and Game 5 victories. Livan always looked like he had ice in his veins, and he aged relatively well into a fat finesse pitcher.

IrabuHideki Irabu

Fat Pussy Toad. Coming off the heels of Hideo Nomo’s whirlwind success in the United States, the San Diego Padres purchased Hideki Irabu’s contract from the Chiba Lotte Marines, his Japanese team. However, Irabu refused to sign and play for the Padres because his dream was to pitch for the New York Yankees. In a stunning move that led to advent of the posting system, the Yankees traded for him (essentially buying his rights) in an exchange sending Homer Bush and Ruben Rivera to San Diego as punishment for purchasing his contract in the first place. When Irabu failed to cover first in an exhibition game in 1999, the lovable George Steinbrenner called Irabu a “fat pussy toad.” After battles with apparent alcoholism, Irabu killed himself in July 2011.

Bobby Jenks

Jenks

The story of Bobby Jenks is a legendary tale with a shady beginning as no one quite knows his upbringing in the backwoods of Idaho in a log cabin with parents who were barely there. Although he was never academically eligible to play in high school, the coach went six hours out of his way to offer him a place to stay and set up an audition in front of major league scouts. A dedicated binge drinker, it’s hard to say whether Jenks drank or ate himself out of baseball. Jenks hasn’t pitched in baseball since 2011.

Ray King

King

Burger. I cannot think of a more fitting nickname than Ray “Burger” King. For a man that doesn’t have a neck (his head is super-glued to the rolls of fat on his shoulders), King had it his way—much like the way he loved his sandwiches at Burger King—throughout his 10-year baseball career. Ray King proves the adage that you can stick around for a long time as long as you can throw left-handed and kinda breathe.

Brad Penny

Penny

Brad Penny looks more like a lumberjack than MLB pitcher. Through the prime of his career, Penny was a solid innings eater and he ate very well at the post-game buffet. Sadly, Penny’s career tumbled as a result of the Alyssa Milano curse—who is somewhat of an innings eater herself as she was romantically linked to and as a result ruined the pitching careers of Carl Pavano, Barry Zito, and Brad Penny.

Sidney Ponson

Ponson

Sir Sidney. Ponson was a fat, angry slob for the vast majority of his career. Ponson’s life peaked in 2003 when he won 17 games combined with a 118 ERA+ while pitching for the Orioles and Giants. After the 2003 season, Ponson was knighted and became Sir Sidney. But Ponson’s career immediately went downhill as he never had an ERA under 5.04 in the next six seasons.  Needless to say, he’s out of baseball now.

Rick Reuschel

Reuschel

Big Daddy. Even with a stout physique, Reuschel hung around forever with a mind-blowing 19-year baseball career—last pitching at age 42 with the Giants in 1991. By today’s standards, Reuschel may not be all that fat, but he certainly lived up to the Big Daddy nickname during his time in the majors.

C.C. Sabathia

Sabathia

Cap’n Crunch. C.C. Sabathia loves food. I mean, he really loves food. Along with Prince Fielder, he’s the best current example of a fat baseball player. Heading into the 2011 season, Sabathia famously lost 25 pounds but not eating Cap’n Crunch every day. Seriously. But not everyone agrees that a slightly slimmer Sabathia is a good thing as Larry Bowa recently stated this summer that C.C. needs to get fat again to dominate. Or it could be all those innings and starts on short rest that are finally taking their toll on C.C.’s arm. But that hasn’t stopped some fans from saying that Sabathia needs to gain weight to be more successful.

For fuck sakes, the man could already have heart attack at any moment.

Curt Schilling

Schill

Schill. A lot of people hate Curt Schilling, and many of them have just reason. Schilling’s personality has certainly rubbed people the wrong way as he’s been perceived as someone who is superficial and only concerned with his image. Regardless of how you feel personally about Schilling, you have to admire the man for his iconic performance in Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS against the Yankees—the infamous “bloody sock” game where pitched after having cadaver tissue to stabilize the tendon in his ankle. It takes balls to use a dead man to temporarily rig your ankle so you can pitch. To this day, Schilling’s performance to push the New York Yankees to Game 7 (and their eventual monumental collapse after being up 3-0) is one of, if not the most impressive effort from a starting pitcher in a pressure-packed playoff game.

Fernando Valenzuela

Fernandomania

El Toro. Fernandomania struck the world in the early ‘80s. After dominating for the whole entire decade with the Dodgers, the 1990s brought Fat Fernando crashing back down to Earth as he struggled to be effective and stay healthy with the Angels, Orioles, Phillies, Padres, and Cardinals. Nicknamed “The Bull” for his workhorse ability early in his career, it’s interesting to imagine how much more intense Fernandomania would be today with the chollo invasion and Los Angeles officially becoming Little Mexico.

David Wells

Wells

Boomer. As the sorry ace of a shitty college baseball team, my coach once called me a right-handed David Wells. I’ve never been more insulted in my life. David Wells was a hell of a pitcher for his 21 years in the majors, but he sure went out of his way to seem like an ass. In his autobiography, Wells boasted about still being drunk during his perfect game performance…

“As of this writing, 15 men in the history of organized baseball have ever thrown a perfect game. Only one of those men did it half-drunk, with bloodshot eyes, monster breath and a raging, skull-rattling hangover. That would be me.”

It’s still not as impressive as Dock Ellis’ no-hitter while on LSD.

Bob Wickman

Wickman

Big Ol’ Belly. Wickman fancied himself as a closer and had a certain disdain for non-save situations—much like his disdain for any food that wasn’t fried. But Bob wasn’t always a closer. Early in his career with the Yankees, he was a starter before being converted to a reliever where he often struggled to meet the weight clauses in his contract. In an ESPN story last year, Brian Cashman detailed some of those struggles.

“My recollection would be is, say, it was on the first and 15th or every five days he had to be a certain weight on a day, in season, when he is trying to pitch out of the bullpen he’s drinking water, sitting in saunas, dieting, doing everything he can to lose weight, maybe even sticking his finger down his throat to make the weight.”

Top 25 Favorite Fat Hitters (Alphabetical Order)

Ronnie Belliard

Belliard

Ronnie It’s a Good Day at the Belliard. Everyone’s favorite little thug. I don’t know if it was just the way he tried to strut with style or if he was simply too fat, but Belliard would actually waddle around at times on defense like a black version of Danny DeVito. A glorified midget at 5’9”, Belliard often tipped the scales weighing in at way more than 200 pounds. A respectable career .273/.338/.415 hitter over 13 seasons, the most shocking fact about Belliard is that he was the target/victim of extortion by an ex-con in St. Louis who wanted money in exchange for keeping quiet about Belliard impregnating his daughter.

The worst of society are always the most fertile.

Lance Berkman

Fat Elvis

Fat Elvis. It’s hard to believe Fat Elvis once grazed in center field considering how he now looks at the end of his career. Describing why people refer to him as The Big Puma, Berkman said: “Agile, athletic, sleek…all the things that describe my game.” Berkman has been an offensive force in his 15 years at the major league level with a .400+ career on-base percentage. But most importantly, Berkman will continue to be an offensive force at the buffet line for years to come whenever he officially calls it quits.

Miguel Cabrera

Miggy

When Miguel first came up with the then Florida Marlins, Cabrera was a lanky stick whereas he’s now very round and his midsection is full of greasy cheeseburgers. After news broke that Cabrera would be playing 3B for the Detroit Tigers with Prince Fielder perched at 1B, I enjoyed this wonderful exchange between two members of a simulation baseball league (LWNN) I run…

“There is no way they are going to roll Cabrera out at 3B.”
“Well, he sure as shit isn’t going to run to 3B.”

Adam Dunn

Donkey

Big Donkey. At 6’6”, it’s much more forgivable for Dunn to weigh nearly 300 pounds than it would be for some of the other names on this list. After building a career with 40-HR years in 5 straight seasons (and nearly 2 more tacked on with 38-HR years), Dunn has now fallen and he can’t get up. In nearly 1,500 ABs since 2010, Dunn is batting .196 despite still managing to be an above-average hitter. Dunn is more of a casualty on this list due to his height, but he may truly earn the spot if his rotund physique continues to expand exponentially as it has the past few years. But he may already be done with baseball.

Tony Eusebio

Eusebio

If Hollywood ever makes a movie about a mediocre black backup catcher, then Reginald VelJohnson will certainly play the role of Tony Eusebio. It was the role he was born to play. Eusebio is one of the first names that comes to mind for me when I think of a fat catcher, and there certainly are many. After showing up to Spring Training overweight for the Colorado Rockies, Eusebio refused a minor league assignment and was waived before the season started. And thus ended his not so illustrious career.

Sal Fasano

Fasano

Cousin Sal. Perhaps no baseball player has personified the term ‘everyman’ better than Sal Fasano. Proving that anyone can stick around for 10 years as backup catcher as long as you have a pulse and can catch the ball, Fasano used his 11-year career essentially as an apprenticeship for coaching. Here’s to hoping he’ll make that dream come true and always rock that Fu Manchu mustache.

Cecil Fielder

Cecil

Big Daddy. It is impossible to find any player in MLB history with a larger ass than Cecil Fielder. Cecil virtually ate himself out of the league by age 33 and the designated hitter slot couldn’t even squeeze any more value out of the remainder of his career. Cecil made a career out of waiving a baseball bat around like a toothpick he was using to dislodge a mammoth chunk of meat from between his teeth.

Prince Fielder

Prince

Thud Butt. “As a kid, Prince starred with his father in a McDonald’s Triple Cheeseburger ad.” That sounds about right in terms of Cecil’s parenting ability. The Fielder family will always have the honor of being the fattest father-son duo in MLB history. No one can ever take that away from them. You have a better chance of stealing a donut or side of bacon from the Fielder family at breakfast. Even Little Prince (who closely resembled Thud Butt, the fat black kid who rolled around, from Hook) would have combined to make the fattest father-son duo with Cecil.  “In 2005 with Nashville, Prince had to wear number 66. Jerseys were assigned according to size, and he couldn’t fit into anything smaller. The only bigger uniform issued that year was number 68, worn by Ozzie, the Sounds’ mascot.”

Tony Gwynn

Gwynn

Captain Video. Growing up a dedicated baseball fan, only Barry Bonds’ voice shocked me more than the sound that comes out of Tony Gwynn’s mouth when he speaks. Tony Gwynn’s voice sounds like the lovechild of Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. If Gwynn actually worked himself into some type of shape other than round, he definitely could have been the greatest hitter of all-time rather than the greatest singles hitter of all-time. Gwynn was a baseball pioneer by being an early proponent of studying video to correct hitting flaws. In hindsight, Gwynn may have been a genius because there’s no way he’ll ever be fingered as a PED user despite playing in the Golden Age of the Steroids Era.

Bob Hamelin

Hamelin

The Hammer. Bob Hamelin is deserving of a spot on this list for his historically awful baseball card alone. If I describe a human pig with goofy glasses and a wisp of hair, then you should forever picture Bob Hamelin. How this man ever carved out a part-time role at the MLB level is beyond me.

AndruwAndruw Jones

The Corpse Formerly Known as Andruw Jones. Breaking onto the major league scene at 19 years old, Andruw Jones had nowhere to go but down. Andruw was an elite defender for most of his career, but he quickly became an embarrassment after leaving Atlanta in 2008. There’s no reason Jones still shouldn’t be a productive part-time player in the majors, but he resigned himself to sitting on his laurels and coasting on what he’s already accomplished by collecting a paycheck overseas in Japan. Andruw Jones could have easily joined the 500-HR Club by now if he maintained the slightest hint of a work ethic. He’ll forever be a poster boy for squandered potential.

John Kruk

Kruk

One Nut Kruk. Poor Krukker lost a nut after being diagnosed with testicular cancer. Kruk’s response? “If they didn’t let me play I was going to take my ball and go home.” John Kruk, ladies and gentlemen! Kruk is one of baseball’s most identifiable fat guys and he even had a book titled “I Ain’t an Athlete, Lady.” No one would argue against that. Kruk’s personality is larger than the sweaty meat vessel he calls his body. I’ll always remember Kruk for his theatrics in the 1993 All-Star Game after The Big Unit (Randy Johnson) sailed a pitch over his head and nearly gave Kruk a heart attack on the field.

“Have you seen the rigors of ESPN at 3 o’clock in the morning when a guy blows a save on the west coast and you have to stick around for another two hours? And then try to go through the Taco Bell with John Kruk? That ain’t fun. I mean, basically, we don’t have any taco salad back there with John Kruk. Everybody should, at some point in their life, you wanna think about tough times, is being around him at 2 o’clock in the morning when he’s hungry. That’s not good.” – Buck Showalter

Carlos Lee

Lee

El Caballo. Carlos Lee’s nickname “El Caballo” means “The Horse.” If you’ve witnessed Carlos Lee attempt to track a fly ball in the outfield, you know he moves more like a rhino than a horse. Carlos Lee is the worst defensive left fielder that I’ve ever seen. It’s amazing that MLB front offices allowed their teams to use Carlos Lee in the outfield considering there was the DH option. Way to go, Ken Williams.

BengieBengie Molina

Imagine trying to run in quicksand with a 50-pound anvil tied to your ankles. That’s what it was like to watch Bengie Molina run. As the older brother of two other fat catchers, Jose and Yadier Molina, should be accustomed to the criticism of his physique. But Bengie really got riled up after ESPN made a light-hearted jab in a clip of Molina being thrown out on the bases. In a blog post addressing the issue, Molina said: “Look, you can say I’m the slowest guy in baseball or in all of sports or in the entire world. I don’t take issue with that because I AM the slowest guy. I have always been the slowest guy. I can’t challenge that criticism. But ESPN’s intention was not to criticize but to humiliate.” Apparently not all fat guys are jolly like Santa Claus. Lesson learned.

David Ortiz

Big Papi

Big Papi. You’re hard-pressed to find a more charismatic fat man than David Ortiz. Big Papi will always have a special place in my heart for being the cornerstone of every successful franchise I’ve had in a simulation league—being largely responsible for my the LWNN World Series titles as well as the two MLB World Series championships now owned by the MLB Red Sox. Already a living legend, Ortiz will go down in history as the savior of the Boston Red Sox. He’s arguably the best free agent pick-up off the scrap heap.

Kirby Puckett

Kirby

Puck. Although Puckett bears an uncanny to the video game character Kirby, the nickname “Puck” perfectly describes his body type as he’s a short, thick, compact black chunk that slides smoothly on ice. The fall of Kirby Puckett is a sad tale as glaucoma cut his career short, and he was accused of groping a woman in a restaurant bathroom. When you’re Kirby Puckett, can’t you just follow any woman into a bathroom and creepily grope her? He gave everything to the Minnesota Twins so he fucking earned it!

In 2006, Puckett died in Phoenix, Arizona.

Babe Ruth

Babe

Colossus of Clout. Those who know nothing about baseball or any other sport know Babe Ruth. Arguably the most famous athlete in history, Babe Ruth was a legend on and off the field. You can definitely make the case that Ruth would be more famous if he played in the contemporary landscape of MLB with the public obsession with the cult of personality. Ruth’s personality was larger than any professional athlete. It’s impossible to compare players from different eras, but I have a problem with anyone making the argument that Ruth isn’t the greatest player in the history of baseball given his incredible hitting prowess before becoming the game’s most impressive slugger.  Here are some fascinating facts

• Before he turned eight, Ruth had already chewed tobacco and drank whiskey for the first time.

• In Ken Burns’ documentary Baseball, noted journalist and author Dan Okrent said Ruth was “the best lefthanded pitcher of the 1910s, without question, in the American League.” Indeed, among AL lefties with at least 1,000 IP in the decade, Ruth had the lowest ERA (2.19) and highest winning percentage (.659) while ranking fourth in wins, tied for fourth in shutouts and ninth in strikeouts.

• In Game 2 of the 1916 World Series, Ruth pitched 14-inning complete game to beat the Dodgers 2-1. It is still the most innings ever thrown by one pitcher in a single postseason game.

• In July 1923, Ruth began using a new type of bat devised by retired future Hall of Famer Sam Crawford that was composed of four pieces of wood glued together. Ruth’s use of the bat and the publicity it engendered prompted Ban Johnson to institute a rule change in late August insisting that all bats be made of a single piece of wood. From his reported first use of the bat on July 2 to the institution of the ban on August 28, Ruth hit .457/.586/.882 with 18 home runs in 53 games.

• Ruth missed the first 41 games of the 1925 season with what was termed “the bellyache heard ‘round the world” and has subsequently been rumored to have been a sexually transmitted disease. According to biographer Robert Creamer, however, Ruth had surgery to address an intestinal abscess three days after Opening Day. Ruth spent a month and a half in a Manhattan hospital before rejoining the team.

Pablo Sandoval

Panda

Kung Fu Panda. Everyone was Kung Fu fighting! Pablo Sandoval is not as fast as lightning. Kung Fu Panda is an affable schlub. Pablo Sandoval got so fat that the San Francisco Giants engaged in “Operation Panda” to publicly shame Sandoval into getting in better shape. Little Papi ended up losing about 40 pounds and had a resurgence in 2011. Since then, Sandoval has gained that weight back and possibly more, which has tanked a once promising career. Pablo Sandoval is a prime example of someone eating himself out of sports.

Randall Simon

Simon

I will remember Randall Simon for 3 things: 1) that silver dollar-sized patch of light skin on Randall Simon’s cheek; 2) that ridiculous 24-pound gold necklace with a heavy crucifix bouncing around at the end; 3) that outrageous Sausage Race incident where Simon inexplicably took a bat to the poor girl in the Italian sausage costume—presumably because he wanted to eat the Italian sausage.

Matt Stairs

Stairs

The Professional Hitter. A baseball fan that isn’t familiar with Matt Stairs isn’t worth their salt…whatever that saying means. Matt Stairs was a journeyman in the purest sense as he played for more teams (13 teams, 12 franchises—Montreal Expos and Washington Nationals) than any major league position player. Not only was Stairs a professional at the plate, but he actually played on the Canadian Olympic Hockey Team in the 1988 Summer Olympics. I would love to see how Stairs’ career would have played out if he would have ever been presented with the opportunity to log 500+ ABs year after year. As is, Matt Stairs is one of the greatest pinch-hitters in baseball history this side of Lenny Harris.

Juan Uribe

Uribe

Uribear. Juan Uribe has always been a very puzzling player in the same little thug mold as Ronnie Belliard. I don’t know whether to be surprised that Uribe didn’t have a better career or amazed that he’s stuck around for this long. I don’t remember the exact quote, but I’m paraphrasing Ozzie Guillen’s statement that he has to speak or knows how to curse in four languages: English, Spanish, Japanese, and Uribe.

Mo Vaughn

HitDog

The Hit Dog. I fucking love Mo Vaughn. I could write 2,000+ words on why I love Mo Vaughn. And trust me, I will do exactly that someday. The man has a fucking monstrosity of a sandwich named after him (the “Mo-Licious Sandwich”). Looking at the picture of Big Mo admiring that heart attack between two pieces of bread is enough to lighten up my life for a week. My life became complete when the Mets traded Kevin Appier for Mo Vaughn in late 2001.

Although Mo Vaughn is considered one of the worst acquisitions of the ill-fated Steve Phillips Era (quite an accomplishment with the Roger Cedeno and Roberto Alomar moves under his belt as well) , The Hit Dog actually put together a pretty solid introductory campaign in 2002 with an .805 OPS with 26 HRs. Of course, this was a disappointment considering the fanfare that resulted with him joining the Mets, but he was out of baseball the previous year without a single appearance in the prior season due to injuries. Sadly, Vaughn is another player in a long line of those who ate himself out of the league after a disastrous, injury-plagued second season with the Mets. For fuck sakes, Bobby Valentine once tried to get right-handed reliever Mike Timlin out of a game by having Mo Vaughn warm-up as if he were going to pinch-hit, but Mo Vaughn was wearing sneakers instead of cleats. Needless to say, that move didn’t work and Big Mo waddled back to the dugout to eat his hot dogs.

But I’ll always remember Mo as a Met for the mammoth 505-foot blast against groundball specialist Kevin Gryboski from the Atlanta Braves. It’s the longest, strongest home run that I’ve ever seen. The fucking ball hit halfway up the Budweiser sign so there’s no telling how far it would have gone with that impediment.

Regardless of how awful the Mo Vaughn Era ended, I’ll treasure it for the comedic relief alone. I’m glad I stumbled on this wonderful site that logs some classic reactions from Mets fans as it was occurring…

“May 1, 2002
I was at a soggy Shea Stadium this Sunday and saw Big Mo do a belly-flop slide into second base against the Brewers. The crowd just roared! Last night Mo got three hits enroute to a Met 10 to 1 thrashing of the D’backs. I love his crouching batting stance and the way takes tosses to first on ground outs. He’s wearing this huge (I mean HUGE!) protective wrap on his injured bicep. It’s amazing he can hit and field with that monstrosity around his arm all the time. Must be annoying. He does this awesome horizontal stretch with his glove hand. Probably handy for getting close plays at first to go in his favor. An all-out hustler and exciting to watch. This guy is definately gonna be a beloved Met hero. GO MO!”

“May 29, 2002
Memories of Mo Vaughn? Who could have any, this guy cannot do a thing except eat. My 12 year old nephew said, “Vaughn will come up with the bases loaded and they will throw him something inside and he will strike out.” Amazingly accurate scouting report for a 7th grader. I guess Phillips cannot afford to hire him with all the millions he has invested in the human feed bag, aka Mo Vaughn. To be that huge and hit 4 homers is terrible. I keep hearing how great a guy he is, could we sign an jerk who hits next time? This was a waste of a roster space. It is unbelievable that someone could make me look fondly upon the glory days of Todd Zeile.”

“October 9, 2002
I HATE this jerk because: 1. He can’t hit his own weight. 2. The ground trembles as he walks. 3. He runs like crazed toddler. 4. He would be a better sumo wrestler than baseball player. 5. He has a ten cent head and a 1 million body. This is because the amount of food he consumes in 1 month is equal to 1 million dollars.”

“February 1, 2003
Unless he proves himself otherwise this season I have a couple of names I refer to him as: “Slow” Vaughn “Blow” Vaughn “Moo” Vaughn and lastly “Sumo” Vaughn. I know I said I started to like him a bit towards the middle of last season, but I’m learning that his mouth is as fat as his ass.”

“April 30, 2003
This guy was on a training regimen this off-season? Did anyone tell him it has to be DIET milkshakes? He is getting fatter and more of a defensive liability than ever. I was at the game against Arizona on Sunday and the error he committed was an AWFUL error–no excuse–he must have lost his concentration when the vender screamed, “HOT DOG”. Another big money bust—it is time to trade them all, take our lumps and bulid for the future. P.S. Mo: Fat, Slow and awful is no way to go through life.”

Ty Wigginton

Wigginton

Piggy. As a Mets fan, here is another one of my favorites. Ty Wigginton physically looks like a pig-bull hybrid—he has the face of a pig and a head the size of a bull. Despite having some extra pounds, Wigginton made career out of hustling and going the extra mile. Overmatched in terms of talent, I was fond of Wigginton for his work ethic and willingness to bowl over a catcher at home plate like a safety clocking a receiver on a pass over the middle. As Wigginton grew larger around the midsection, his inability to be a respectable defender at second or third tanked his career. Otherwise, he might still be a part-time player who slugs against lefties. You will be missed, Wiggy.

Hack Wilson

Hack

A mountain of a man with a preposterously wide face and body.

Dmitri Young

Meathook

Da Meat Hook. No list of notable fat baseball players can be complete without the inclusion of Dmitri Young. Nicknamed “Da Meat Hook” for his switch-hitting ability (since meat hooks are two-sided and his first name is Dmitri), Young put together a pretty solid yet unspectacular career. With a certain flair and lovable enthusiasm, Da Meat Hook was a fan favorite wherever he went, which is the complete opposite from his very unlikable brother, Delmon. After being out of the league for a few years, Young worked himself into substantially better shape, but couldn’t complete his anticipated comeback.

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Comments
  1. Logan says:

    You do realize that Prince Fielder is a vegetarian?

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