Last Week: 9-5
Overall: 49-28

Giants @ Bears

It’s going to be a long year for the beady-eyed teddy bear, Tom Coughlin. With the Giants off to an 0-5 start heading on the road, there was no chance in hell I was going to take New York in this game. Everything possible has gone wrong for the New York Giants thus far. A terrible running game and injured offensive line is no solution to their woes—especially when coupled with a rather shitty defense sans their defensive line. I’ve never nor will I ever be a fan of Smokin’ Jay Cutler, but he could throw a few interceptions in this game and the Bears would still win. Plus, Marc Trestman has shown an impressive knack for devising an offensive game plan that minimizes what Cutler does wrong, which puts the Bears in the best position to win the game behind the strength of their defense. On the other side, Eli Manning will eventually win the Giants a game all by himself, but he’s trying to do too much and that won’t play over very well against an above-average defense like Chicago.

Win: Chicago Bears

Bengals @ Bills

After last week’s Sloppy Night Football debacle, the Bills went from a tough weekly match-up to a spotlight for any Fantasy Football team looking to play defensive roulette against. With the league’s worst backup QB and an already struggling running game, Buffalo is in for its share of beatings until E.J. Manuel returns. And who will be under center now? Thad Lewis! Anyone wondering what the fuck happened to Vince Young? The fact that Thad Lewis is getting an opportunity over Vince Young shows what the rest of the league must think about ol’ VY. I wasn’t a fan of the pre-season hype surrounding the Bengals and the Ginger Gunslinger, and they wouldn’t have won last week against the Patriots without a fortuitous torrential downpour as New England was driving downfield. But Cincinnati just needs to show up to win this game against the roaming Buffalo.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Lions @ Browns

I would definitely be taking the Browns if Brian Hoyer was healthy and starting. But alas, Brandon Weeden is now back under center for Cleveland—causing a massive, chain reaction downgrade to all of their offensive starters. Since Weeden stares down defenders and telegraphs every move, I’m just selfishly hoping he can connect on a few longballs to Josh Gordon and Jordan Cameron so my Fantasy Football team can salvage a few points. However, the real-life Weeden Effect has to be rippling through the Browns locker room like a horrible fart lingering in a closed space. If not for Calvin Johnson’s clouded injury status, this game would easily be going to Detroit because of their ability to pressure Weeden and cause turnovers. I still expect 2 or more interceptions for the Lions, but I want Cleveland to be good so I’ll put some faith in their defense to keep this close even if Megatron is on the field. Here’s to hoping that the phrase “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl” will eventually mean something other than taking a shit. God knows that shithole they call Cleveland has suffered enough punishment.

Win: Cleveland Browns

Raiders @ Chiefs

Like the rest of America, I didn’t watch last week’s late night Chargers-Raiders game, but apparently Terrelle Pryor is showing some signs of life. Pryor’s recent development makes you wonder how many and how much college quarterbacks suffer from a coach’s win at all cost and nothing else matters mantra. Rather than actually spending time to work on throwing mechanics and reading a defense, it seems that most of the college format is oriented around an athletic quarterback’s ability to run around Madden-style until something opens up. Terrelle Pryor can salvage a broken play with the best of them, but I’m still iffy on his development as a passer. In this match-up, I’d rather rely on Jamaal Charles to gash Oakland’s defense and have just enough dink-and-dunk, high-percentage passes from Alex Smith. Eventually the air is going to run out of the balloon they call Andy Reid, but ride the hot air balloon for as long as it lasts and enjoy the experience.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Panthers @ Vikings

I do not envy the idiot who (allegedly) killed Adrian Peterson’s son. And I do not envy the Panthers defense this week as Peterson will be determined to take out his grief in some constructive manner since he can’t legally strangle that motherfucker responsible for his 2-year-old son’s death. I don’t blame Adrian Peterson for wanting to play and he must be doing so with a very heavy heart. If the Football Gods don’t allow him to put together an emotional 200-yard effort at home, then I don’t know what to think about football anymore. Everyone should be rooting for this story this week.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Steelers @ Jets

I’m struggling to find a worse, less interesting match-up in the Week 6 slate of NFL games. I wish I could restart the season to remove so many lucky breaks for the Jets because they do not deserve to be in this position and I do not deserve to continue to see Rex Ryan as a head coach. Both of the tubby Ryans (Rob and Rex) are very good defensive minds, but I don’t want to see either as the face of an NFL franchise. My hatred the Jets can only be rivaled by my hatred for the Steelers and their shitty fans. Which side do I choose? Begrudgingly, I have to side with Mike Tomlin because he’s too good of a coach to have a team this terrible—though this is finally the comeuppance Rapistberger deserves.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Eagles @ Buccaneers

How poetic is it that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers literally have an uncontrollable infection spreading through their locker room? As an organization, the Buccaneers are a dumpster fire from top to bottom, and this has to signal the end of Greg Schiano. On the other end of the spectrum, Philadelphia’s stock as an organization continues to rise and it can only get higher as Chip Kelly finds his way as an NFL head coach. Tampa Bay will struggle to keep pace putting scores on the board, and Mike Glennon will show why he’s destined to have a short run as a starting-caliber QB. If the Buccaneers stay close in this game, it will be the result of Philadelphia turnovers and Nick Foles’ inability to run a high-octane offense.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Packers @ Ravens

Baltimore is a very perplexing team. One week Joe Flacco will loft up interception after interception and the next week the Ravens will return to competence yet again. I don’t know what to expect from them each week as the range of results varies wildly for a team that likes to masquerade as a playoff contender. When in doubt, I always go with the better quarterback. In this case, that is not the defending Super Bowl champion. Even with a shitty defense supporting him, I think Aaron Rodgers can and will win this game single-handedly, which has largely been the story of his career. With a little ingenuity and creativity on offense, the Packers could take a commanding lead early and focus on shutting down the run and devising pressure to cause Flacco to make mistakes. As currently constructed, I see the Packers as a version of the old Indianapolis Colts led by Peyton Manning who had to get a lead and let his defense sit on it in order to be successful because they’re not a well-rounded team.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Rams @ Texans

After riding the Rams for a Week 5 win in Fantasy Football, St. Louis will wonder why they can’t always play the Jacksonville Jaguars each week. Although Matt Schaub is predictably struggling under immense pressure, this is the week where the Texans correct their course and get back on the right track. Houston needs to heavily ride the legs of Arian Foster and Ben Tate to be a winning team because Matt Schaub is no good unless play-action fakes are in play. Instead of Schaub throwing a pick-six this week, I expect Houston to experience the good side of that play by picking off Sam Bradford and taking it to the house. Hopefully Houston fans can shut the fuck up and let the Texans figure everything out on the field in Week 6.

Win: Houston Texans

Jaguars @ Broncos

Much has been said about the ballyhooed gambling line, but I have a hard time imagining Denver will beat Jacksonville by 4+ touchdowns as long as Chad Henne is healthy throughout the game. If Blaine Gabbert was playing, then I would have no doubt about the Jaguars’ inability to score points. But don’t forget that Henne has been a somewhat competent starter for most of his career. Considering what Tony Romo was able to do against Denver’s defense, I wouldn’t be shocked to see Jacksonville post 21 points this week. The Jaguars won’t sniff a win, but this won’t be the most ridiculous point differential in the history of the NFL unless Henne goes down. In that instance, would Denard Robinson be the next man up? What would Jacksonville have to lose by seeing what Shoelace has to offer?

Win: Denver Broncos

Titans @ Seahawks

Seattle is mediocre on the road and nearly unbeatable at home. I envisioned a scenario in which Andrew Luck led the Colts to a comeback victory against the Seahawks, but I didn’t have the balls to fully commit to that premise considering the sorry state of affairs for the rest of Indianapolis’ team. But the Colts’ gain means a Titans loss this week as Tennessee travels to Seattle with noodle-armed Ryan Fitzpatrick as their signal-caller. I still wouldn’t have given Tennessee much of a shot if Jake Locker was healthy, but the game would have been considerably more competitive. Unless Fitzpatrick puts his Harvard acumen to work by calculating how the crowd noise can help his passes travel longer downfield, I expect this match-up to turn into a blowout so Seattle can re-establish their dominant public perception.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Saints @ Patriots

BradyThis has to be the best game of the week with the surging Saints against the stale Patriots. Without Gronkowski, New England just isn’t the same offense because they have no reliable downfield threat. Why won’t the Patriots make some sort of effort to acquire someone who can stretch the field? Clearly, waiting for The Gronk to decide when he returns isn’t a smart strategy. Tom Brady couldn’t put anything together against a weak Bengals secondary last week, and Danny Amendola (Wes Welker Lite) hasn’t been the offensive savior some have hoped. New England needs to make a move to be more than a one-and-done in the playoffs this year and this game will show why they’re wilting under pressure. Everyone needs to ease off the Saints hype this early, but they’re definitely a better well-rounded team than New England. Having the most explosive offensive weapon (Jimmy Graham) in the NFL will also cover some of the warts for New Orleans since he can win any jump ball thrown his ways—a la a young Jeremy Shockey.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Cardinals @ 49ers

Is Carson Palmer one of the worst quarterbacks in the NFL? Living in Arizona, I can attest to the sentiment that at least Palmer is better than the garbage the Cardinals threw out last year under center, but that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement either. Palmer did everything he could to literally throw away the game last week against the Panthers, but Cam Newton managed to be that much worse. I don’t think Arizona will be that fortunate again this week against a tough division rival in the 49ers. With San Francisco committed to Frank Gore as their offensive fulcrum, Arizona will struggle to stay close unless the 49ers decide to generously grant a Make A Wish dream for a Cardinals fan.

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Colts @ Chargers

I would like to personally apologize to Andrew Luck for not being a blowhard homer and taking the Colts at home last week against the Seahawks. Luck has quickly risen to the top of the elite young QB class by showing an ability to put the entire team on his back. Even without Trent Richardson gaining any traction yet, the Colts are incredibly dangerous and Indianapolis stands a good chance to come away with a road win against the surprisingly tough San Diego Chargers. If Indianapolis can keep Antonio Gates in check, the Chargers could struggle offensively even though the Colts haven’t proven themselves to be a rugged defensive team. I expect San Diego to pull out to a lead and eventually let it slip through their hands as Luck drives for a game-winning score.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Redskins @ Cowboys

Last week was the best I’ve ever seen Tony Romo throw a football and command an offense. But still, he threw the crippling, game-losing interception as most predicted would happen. It doesn’t completely outweigh a career performance, but the end result does tarnish the memory of the game. In last year’s playoffs, Romo also made a mind-numbing dumb decision to cost the Cowboys the game against the Redskins. Luckily for Dallas, the Washington Redskins haven’t been the same type of team this year. Unless Washington is fully rested and RGIII’s confidence is restored coming off their bye week, then look for Romo to put up more awe-inspiring numbers against the Redskins’ Swiss cheese defense.

Win: Dallas Cowboys

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