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I had the displeasure of watching the reshot of Carrie about a month ago. But notice how I haven’t written anything movie-related since that awful experience. I’ve been dreading revisiting this film. Carrie is an abysmal mess that cannot be categorized as a remake or reimagining because that would imply that some actual thought or creativity was invested. Carrie was completely void of anything remotely interesting.

Can we please stop choosing good movie to be remade into worse ones? Remakes should only be reserved for bad movies to have a second chance at being worthwhile. This trend of recycling what is familiar needs to stop. We aren’t out of original ideas just yet.

Speaking of what is original, the 1976 version of Carrie was creepy yet comical. It was not a perfect movie without flaws, but the time setting fit perfectly for the story. Uprooting this story from the 70s era and planting it into the present age was a distractingly annoying choice. But that’s only like the 167th thing wrong with this movie.  Unless I’m misunderstood, the character of Carrie is meant to be a timid outcast afraid of everything without any social awareness as a result of being sheltered and abused by her crazy religious mother. For fuck sakes, she thinks she’s dying when her period starts while in the shower.

But in this version, Carrie is looking up YouTube videos of telekinetic powers. Don’t worry, they show her ignorance by the fact that she doesn’t know how to watch the video in full screen. Get it!? It’s because she’s sheltered and doesn’t know computers. Oh, they’re so creative.

One substantial issue with this new version is that it didn’t need to be burden with the R rating. The original Carrie seized on the opportunity to highlight boobs and bush—particularly in the girls shower/locker room, which was a classic staple of the 70s and 80s.

Why would you take the trade-off of less potential profit at the box office when you’re not taking advantage of gratuitous nudity or gore? Why else would you make an R-rated movie?

Without question, the most disgusting sequence in this reshot of Carrie is the wholly unnecessary home birth ordeal during the introduction when Margaret White (played by Julianne Moore) shits out baby Carrie and contemplates stabbing it. If there’s a silver lining to this turd, it has to be Julianne Moore.

Carrie

I can’t really recall a bad acting performance by Julianne Moore. But I don’t think Julianne Moore and Chloë Grace Moretz were acting in the same movie. Instead of the campy and absolutely crazy portrayal of Carrie’s mother utilized in the original (played by Piper Laurie), Julianne Moore took this role much darker with Margaret White mired in a deep depression that was exacerbated by her crazy conviction to the Lord.

If this new imagining of Carrie wanted the movie to match the mood set by Julianne Moore’s performance, then casting Chloë Grace Moretz was completely the wrong choice. Chloë Grace Moretz was truly overmatched as an actress. She couldn’t live up to the established standard when it came to dramatic moments and everything entirely fell to shit whenever Carrie was using her powers.

I don’t know why Chloë Grace Moretz looks like she was trying to hold in a massive shit while still releasing a fart, but that’s the best description I can conjure when she was shown wildly gesticulating as if her hands were controlling the objects—rather than the piercing stare of Sissy Spacek in the original.

Fire Shits

Let’s just say Carrie seemed like she was suffering from an awful case of the Taco Bell fire shits.

And while I love Julianne Moore, I need to know if Sissy Spacek was at least offered the role of Carrie’s mother in this new version. Why not? She’s still capable of an effective performance and it might have provided some caché or incentive to watch this fragmented mishmash.

Only a whole new script could have possibly saved this late-term abortion. The execution of Carrie was clunky, sloppy, and uneven. I look forward to finally putting this behind me so I can forget it even exists—just like what I had to do with the 2010 remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Don’t support this movie or the uninspired repackaging it represents.

Stay away from this forever.

0.5 out of 5 stars

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