Last Week: 13-3
Overall: 121-70-1

Texans @ Jaguars

The Houston Texans are a giant garbage barge that’s been set ablaze with Molotov cocktails. Heading into this week, I’ve been questioning why Houston hasn’t already pulled the plug on Gary Kubiak, but I have to assume his health has to be a considerable factor. While the Texans are plummeting and about to hit the pavement, the Jaguars are showing some signs of life under new head coach Gus Bradley. For me, the difference in this game came down to the quarterbacks: Case Keenum vs. Chad Henne. At this point, we all know Chad Henne is cagey and competent enough to move an offense by connecting on downfield throws. Henne is a C+ quarterback, which is all you can ask for from a backup thrust into spot starts. On the other hand, Case Keenum is a C- right now with questionable upside. But Houston needs to find the answer to that question because they already know Matt Schaub is a C+ prone to crippling interceptions.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Colts @ Bengals

Andrew the Giant vs. The Ginger Gunslinger! Indianapolis seems to have steadied course after sailing through extremely choppy waters, but I’m still skeptical of the Colts making a long playoff run. This match-up against Cincinnati should show the true colors of both teams since they’ve battled consistency issues all season. Although Indianapolis has the advantage at quarterback, Cincinnati is a better all-around team at nearly every other position. The snowy weather will likely make this match-up sloppier than normal, but I expect the Bengals to win out due to a better defensive performance.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Falcons @ Packers

Aaron Rodgers still isn’t starting and the Packers are floundering as a result. Matt Flynn can run the Green Bay offense, but his limitations are accentuated by the lack of healthy playmakers like Randall Cobb and Jermichael Finley. Luckily, Green Bay is going against a Falcons team with nothing to win. Don’t get me wrong, I can envision a scenario in which Atlanta gets up by 10 points with Matt Ryan airing it out with Matt Flynn unable to keep pace, but Eddie Lacy can dominate a game on the ground against a mediocre Falcons defense. Matt Flynn just needs to not throw up on himself. Mike McCarthy scheming a creative attack around quick passes and the run could be like Pepto Bismol to Matt Flynn.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Browns @ Patriots

Who will be starting at quarterback for Cleveland Browns? It doesn’t matter. New England is not losing this game and Cleveland should be content with their win total already. Teams shouldn’t be afraid to tank when it’s the most apt strategy for future success. Even if the Browns aren’t blatantly throwing games, Brandon Weeden starting at quarterback provides Cleveland the best chance at losing. If you disagree, then I would like to show you several clips of him shoveling the ball with his non-throwing hand and kicking the ball out of the end zone. Hopefully the Patriots will make Stevan Ridley active this week and give him another opportunity to show he can secure the ball in a meaningless game against the hapless Browns.

Win: New England Patriots

Raiders @ Jets

Oakland will be without Rashad Jennings and Darren McFadden, which puts more pressure on the undrafted walk-on Matt McGloin. The Raiders are already one of the least talented teams in the NFL, but playing without several key members on offense will hinder the team’s chances of pulling off the road win against New York. That’s not to say the Jets aren’t without their own issues—especially at quarterback. Strategically, the Jets should be riding out the roller coaster called the Geno Smith Experience, but New York is wavering with every turnover and the delusion of a potential playoff appearance within striking distance. Although they aren’t officially dead yet, the Jets are on life support and that fat fuck at heart Rex Ryan might finally get fired.

Win: New York Jets

Lions @ Eagles

Detroit is undisciplined and unpredictable. Jim Schwartz’s control over his team is laughable and you see the result on the field. The Lions should be much better than they’ve performed this year, and Detroit should beat the Philadelphia Eagles this week. But I would count on Chip Kelly outcoaching Jim Schwartz if this game is close near the end. If Reggie Bush can’t play or isn’t healthy enough to be effective, the Detroit Lions just aren’t the same without Bush’s dynamic ability. The Nick Foles Hype Machine should anticipate a regression soon, but Philadelphia’s creative scheme should provide enough support this week…as long as Calvin Johnson doesn’t go Megatron on all of their asses.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Dolphins @ Steelers

Are the Steelers really still alive in the playoff picture? I don’t want to live in a world where that can happen. But I can never be happy so that’s why the Steelers will win this game and keep their chances on life support. Please, please let the Miami Dolphins hit some big bombs downfield in Mike Wallace’s homecoming.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Bills @ Buccaneers

With so many quality match-ups this week, Buffalo against Tampa Bay is not a game that many should or will watch. Tampa Bay is playing better despite having Greg Schiano as a head coach, and Buffalo continues to survive regardless of average talent on offense. If Mike Glennon can’t win a home game in these circumstances, the Buccaneers need to cut Schiano loose and start over with a newly drafted quarterback.

Win: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Chiefs @ Redskins

Kansas City is reeling. In need of at least one more win to secure their Wild Card spot, the Chiefs need to stop Alfred Morris on the ground and force Robert Griffin III to win the game. Since RGIII is still feeling the ill effects of his knee injury, it will be tough for him to shoulder the burden of carrying the Redskins. The unhappy Shanahan clan is coaching for their jobs, which could be a good thing for Washington as the team has shown very little the last few years. With a fire lit under Mike Shanahan’s already red ass and face, Washington needs to start playing like they have something to lose. Instead of putting more pressure on Robert Griffin III, the Redskins need dominate on the ground and take advantage of Pierre Garcon’s yards after the catch ability.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Vikings @ Ravens

Adrian Peterson is a Hall of Fame running back capable of killing any team single-handedly—like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. Still, it’s difficult to predict when that will happen and when the rest of the Vikings team will fail to provide any support. With Baltimore desperate for wins, the Ravens can’t afford to let Adrian Peterson run wild all day. As long as Baltimore doesn’t turn the ball over, the Ravens should be able to stay close and move the ball more consistently in the air than Minnesota is capable of under Shitty QB #1, #2, or #3.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Titans @ Broncos

Peyton Manning isn’t good in cold weather games…which have mostly come around the playoffs against great quarterbacks when his teams have had historically awful defenses. Denver’s defense isn’t historically awful, but the Broncos aren’t facing a great quarterback in Ryan Fitzpatrick. If the Broncos collapse on special teams and allow Chris Johnson to break some monumental runs, then the Titans could shock Denver. But again, Tennessee is starting Ryan Fitzpatrick. As the weather gets colder (and now that John Fox is back in the fold), the Broncos should be relying more on their three-headed running attack—especially Montee Ball. Expect Denver to control the ball and add another W in the win column.

Win: Denver Broncos

Rams @ Cardinals

If you’ve heard any pre-game chatter, you’re aware the Cardinals haven’t won a division match-up in a long time and that Jared Cook burned Arizona in their previous tilt earlier this season. While Carson Palmer’s elbow injury doesn’t make matters better, I don’t expect the Cardinals to lose this match-up even if St. Louis presents bad match-ups all over the field. As long as Arizona makes protection a priority and remains well-balanced, the Cardinals should be able to pull out this close game. Remember, the Rams have an effective cast of no-namers on offense, but the Arizona Cardinals have one of the best defenses in the NFL.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Giants @ Chargers

I would take Eli Manning over Philip Rivers any day of the week. I just can’t take the Giants running attack and defense over those aspects of San Diego. The Chargers haven’t been consistent this season, but the New York Giants have been like a lumberjack trying to run in place on slippery log in the water. With the playoffs more of a possibility for San Diego than New York, I expect that extra motivation to be a deciding factor the Chargers—even if home-field advantage isn’t much of an advantage for San Diego.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Seahawks @ 49ers

Everyone was on the Seahawks after last week’s impressive home victory over the Saints. But Seattle is not the same team on the road and now the nation is leaping from the Seahawks to the 49ers bandwagon this week. These people can’t possibly all be correct, which is why I’m giving Seattle the benefit of the doubt against San Francisco. Although the 49ers are a different offense with Michael Crabtree, I’m not sure if he’s healthy enough to be the dynamic playmaker that should be required in this tough match-up. Russell “Hustle” Wilson will find some way to win this one yet still make me hate him more—he’s an A-Rod level talent like that.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Panthers @ Saints

Cam Newton can win a game by himself. He’ll have to this week with the Saints seeking revenge after an embarrassing loss on the national stage to the Seahawks. Carolina just isn’t as good as New Orleans unless Cam Newton reaches an entirely new level. Drew Brees will be on much more stable ground this week under the dome, and that home comfort will pay dividends for the Saints.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Cowboys @ Bears

Josh McCown is showing why he’s Josh McCown. Capable of moving the chains and little more than that, the Chicago Bears have stalled offensively without Jay Cutler. It will be interesting to see if Cutler gets slapped with the franchise tag or if he’s allowed to walk as a free agent. Cutler would surely be of use against Dallas as Chicago will need to keep pace with the points Tony Romo can post against the Bears shitty defense. If there’s one bright spot for the Bears, it’s that Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery will create consistent separation and get open. It’s just on Josh McCown to connect on those throws.

Win: Dallas Cowboys


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