Overall: 56-34
Last Week: 11-3…ties don’t count

Jets @ Patriots

Tom Brady gets to feed on a reeling New York Jets team—fresh off the realization that their season is already over. If the Patriots can pour on points early and often, the Jets are the type of team to just give up. However, the inverse is true as well because New York is an irrational confidence team that will fight until the last second if their defense can keep them competitive throughout the full 60 minutes. The Jets pressured Peyton Manning last week before ultimately imploding, but it’s hard to see a repeat performance on a short week against another legendary quarterback. Good luck with that.

Win: New England Patriots

Vikings @ Bills

Minnesota is in shambles without enough talent on either side of the ball to help a rookie QB win games. Of course, that probably means they’re due for a freak performance against a slightly above average Buffalo Bills team. If E.J. Manuel was still starting, then I could easily see an upset in the making. But Buffalo has their savior…and he has a neckbeard. He is the Neckbeard. Kyle Orton’s semi-steady hand is attempting to guide Buffalo to a Wild Card weekend game this year. In other words, Orton is doing his best not to fuck up the chances for the defense to win enough games to push the Bills into one of the last playoff spots. If that’s the case, then the Bills need their playmakers to break a few and take care of business at home against an inferior Vikings squad.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Dolphins @ Bears

MIA - Happy Gilmore

This could sneakily become one of the best matchups of the Week 7 slate. Miami is always better on the road than at their Poltergeist home stadium, and Chicago is so fucking inconsistent thanks to Jay Cutler’s ill-conceived decision-making. Lamar Miller looks like a true breakout candidate after the injury to Knowshon Moreno, but I can’t trust the Dolphins to be smart enough to realize that he’s their best weapon. Ryan Tannehill is a competent, quality QB, but his biggest downfall is the inability to hit a homerun with a downfield pass—especially when their best receiver is Mike Wallace, which is all he can do. Chicago needs to make sure 60 Minutes doesn’t get past their secondary or else the Bears will be playing behind all day. But if the Bears can bottle up Lamar Miller, then Miami will struggle to find consistency through the passing game.

Win: Chicago Bears

Saints @ Lions

No Calvin Johnson could always spell an easy loss for Detroit. However, New Orleans could also be without their star receiver (I mean tight end) Jimmy Graham—though Graham might play a few snaps. Since the Saints suck ass away from New Orleans, I’d say that evens the playing field with the Lions. What’s the tiebreaker? Detroit’s defense is performing beyond expectations while New Orleans has been a complete and utter disappointment on defense. The Lions also have an unblinking, unwavering black mannequin as their head coach, which most will mistake as a steady, mature guiding hand. Don’t be fooled, Jim Caldwell is not a leader. His best asset is that he’s just there. I would not be shocked at a Saints road win, but I don’t expect things to unravel just yet for Detroit.

Win: Detroit Lions

Panthers @ Packers

How the fuck is Carolina competitive with such a shitty team? Who deserves the credit? I don’t know if Riverboat Ron Rivera garners half the praise with his gambling from the gut or if Cam Newton truly is the black Superman. The Panthers have a very good defense, but it’s hard to envision Carolina putting the handcuffs on Aaron Rodgers in Lambeau. Green Bay doesn’t have a dominant running game—in fact, they often struggle to be competent. But Aaron Rodgers can cover up a lot of flaws with his Discount Double Check. Somehow, Carolina will still manage to keep this close enough to threaten another tie in a potential 4th quarter comeback.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Bengals @ Colts

CIN - Red Rocket

There shouldn’t be ties in football. Keep that shit reserved for soccer. Cincinnati failed to close out last week’s overtime game against Carolina, which is somewhat embarrassing since people were proclaiming the Bengals as the early AFC favorite. Cincinnati is still a solid all-around team, but the Bengals are more of the good at everything, great at nothing variety. On the other side, Indianapolis is good at nothing, but great at quarterback. The Colts can only go as far as Andrew Luck can carry them on his back. Luck could win out and lead the Indy to victory, but the Bengals should be pissed off and looking to punish their next opponent. Unfortunately, Indianapolis’ secondary is just shitty enough to make it a Dog (Dick Red) Day After for Andy Dalton.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Seahawks @ Rams

Seattle certainly shook the boat on Friday by shipping Percy Harvin off to the New York Jets—which might as well be NFL Siberia. Perhaps things aren’t all gumdrops and lollipops in Seattle with Coach Double Rainbow. I would bask in the joy of a Seattle road loss to St. Louis, but I don’t see that materializing for the Rams and Austin Davis. If St. Louis was actually creating a consistent pass rush, then I could envision a situation where Russell Wilson can’t find any open receivers when forced to throw from the pocket. But the Seahawks should be able to move Wilson around and use his mobility to win despite the fact that they have no decent receivers.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Titans @ Redskins

I imagine watching the Titans play the Redskins would be a lot like being trapped inside a porta-potty. It makes sense to give Washington the benefit of the doubt as the home team. Things might be different if Tennessee had an actual starting QB instead Charlie Whitehurst. It’s a shame since the Titans have an interesting boom or bust WR corps, but Tennessee is just too inconsistent for anyone to count on them to be competitive. Kirk Cousins should take advantage of this opportunity to rebuild some trade value.

Win: Washington Redskins

Browns @ Jaguars

This is the exactly the opportunity I was talking about in which Blake Bortles could notch his first NFL win. Jacksonville has a home game against a team that isn’t exactly top-notch. However, the Cleveland Browns could be building a case for a playoff spot. All of the momentum building in Cleveland would come to a grinding halt with a loss in this situation. But I cannot root for that. The Browns are an entertaining underdog story that needs to be prolonged a little longer for the return of Bluntman—Josh Gordon. Cleveland should run to another victory behind the power of their running attack and the just good enough nature of their passing game.

Win: Cleveland Browns

Falcons @ Ravens

I have had enough of throwing blind support behind Atlanta because their offense was supposed to be good. Unless Julio Jones completely dominates, it seems the Falcons are destined to fall short. Roddy White hasn’t been the same player this year, which has stunted the offense’s growth. Atlanta also has 4 RBs who are good at one thing, which is an issue because they’re not particularly good at anything. If the Falcons could forge that quartet into a more well-rounded duo, they would snap their Achilles heel jumping at the opportunity. Joe Flacco took advantage of a mediocre Tampa Bay defense last week, and there’s a chance that Baltimore could enjoy similar success against Atlanta. Expect a close game in which Atlanta is within a score, but ultimately fails to convert the comeback victory.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Chiefs @ Chargers

Kansas City is becoming the same team from the Dick Vermeil era. But the biggest difference is that Alex Smith is no Trent Green. The Chiefs will be competitive, but Kansas City will struggle to post 30+ points. And in some games, you need more than 4 TDs to win. Philip Rivers is playing out of his mind in San Diego’s most recent stretch, which could carry the Chargers to the division crown over the Broncos if Denver falters. With some new life breathed into the offense by the running game, expect San Diego to edge out the Chiefs at home behind some chunk plays downfield.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Giants @ Cowboys

DAL - Jeebus

Dallas is riding the high of highs coming off a road win against the defending Super Bowl champion Seahawks in Seattle. How does it get any better? Of course, that means that the Giants will roll into Dallas and pull off an upset of improbable proportion. I think there’s only a 25-percent chance of that materializing, but the joy it would bring to my life is worth banking on that probability. At some point, the wheels have to fall off DeMarco Murray’s incredible all-time performance. Unfortunately, Dallas’ backup RB Joseph Randle just got arrested for stealing clothes and cologne. Not exactly the most reliable man that you want to put your season in the hands of if DeMarco Murray gets injured. NFL parity dictates Dallas stumbling this week against a Giants team that got embarrassed in prime time.

Win: New York Giants

Cardinals @ Raiders

The Arizona Cardinals are The Walking Dead. Somehow, the Cardinals have managed to stay alive despite their wounds and inefficiencies. The Black Hole isn’t always inviting, but Carson Palmer will be looking to embarrass Oakland—even if the nerves in his shoulder are only firing at 60-percent. While most will leave the Raiders for dead, Oakland is now the type of team that can win a given game if Derek Carr carries them on his shoulders. It almost happened last week so I wouldn’t expect a repeat.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

49ers @ Broncos

Easily the best matchup of the week, and I’m not saying that because every Peyton Manning game must-watch. San Francisco has kept the train on the tracks the past few weeks, but the 49ers haven’t faced elite competition like they’ll find in Week 7 against the Broncos in Denver. The Broncos have not been a dominant defense or even very good in one particular area. Against Seattle, Denver struggled to make good decisions defending the pass-run escapability of Russell Wilson. Don’t be surprised to see Colin Kaepernick exploit the Denver defense to the same degree. However, the 49ers don’t use Kaepernick in the same fashion Seattle uses Russell Wilson. If the Broncos keep Kaepernick in the pocket, then Denver stands a good chance to win this game at Mile High. Regardless of how the first three quarters shake out, the Broncos always have the chance to win with Peyton Manning bringing the team back from the brink.

Win: Denver Broncos

Texans @ Steelers

Monday Night Football has become exceedingly overrated. Rare is the occasion where there is a good matchup on either Thursday or Monday, which defeats the point of having football not on Sunday. Pittsburgh is pitiful whether they win or lose. Houston is only entertaining when J.J. Watt is making extraordinary plays. So what’s more likely: Pittsburgh putting together a better than pathetic offensive gameplan or J.J. Watt putting on his cape for another superhuman performance? My money is on Watt.

Win: Houston Texans

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