Overall: 64-41
Last Week: 8-7

Chargers @ Broncos

San Diego rolls into Denver on a short week with hopes and prayers to prevent Peyton Manning from further padding his all-time TD record. Peyton Manning doesn’t lose in prime time. While Manning has a history of fluky losses to Philip “Li’l Dick” Rivers, the Broncos are improving their balance with Ronnie Hillman running out of spread formations. Denver still needs Montee Ball back and healthy to add a power element to compliment Peyton Manning’s precision passing.

Win: Denver Broncos

Lions @ Falcons

Matthew Stafford isn’t the same QB without Calvin Johnson. Injuries are piling up for the Detroit Lions, and the team has had a fair amount of issues heading to London this week. Matt Ryan is due for at least a decent game. While Detroit has been riding their defense, Atlanta’s defense has been wholly unremarkable. However, the Lions probably don’t have the horses to run with Julio Jones and keep him contained. Atlanta’s only chance of winning is Julio Jones dominating Detroit for double-digit receptions. Something needs to happen for the Falcons, but it’s hard to imagine Atlanta actually putting things together on the road in a new country.

Win: Detroit Lions

Ravens @ Bengals

This division grudge match will be one of the better games on Sunday this week. The Red Rocket premature ejaculated all over himself last week as the Bengals fell silently against the Indianapolis Colts. Without any momentum heading into this important swing game, it is going to be difficult for Cincinnati to move the ball consistently if Dalton is going to goof in his pants. Cincinnati is struggling to find rhythm offensively while Baltimore has been surprisingly steady the past few weeks. Look for Joe Flacco to exploit Cincinnati’s secondary and elevate the Ravens past the reeling Bengals.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Texans @ Titans

TEN - Trash 'Stache

Zach Mettenberger looks like a 70s porn star with his trash ‘stache. Your 2014 Tennessee Titans, ladies and gentlemen! Facing J.J. Watt in your rookie debut is not the dream scenario for a quarterback. Mettenberger has a big arm, but he will make his fair share of mistakes. All Ryan Fitzpatrick needs to do his hand the ball off and not make more, worse mistakes than Mettenberger in his debut.

Win: Houston Texans

Rams @ Chiefs

Kansas City has stayed surprisingly competitive this year with the Regression Monster looming in the distance. While the Chiefs are the slow and steady type, the Rams have been boom or bust all season. Coming off an improbable victory against the defending Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks, Jeff Fisher’s bag of tricks might need to be restocked by some Halloween trick or treating. With this matchup at Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City should take full advantage of home-field advantage in this nail biter that will be decided by whomever makes the back-breaking mistake in the final moments.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Bears @ Patriots

CHI - Forte

So much for that bromance between Brandon Marshall and Jay Cutler. Everyone in Chicago is pointing fingers and Smokin’ Jay Cutler is deservedly earning the most blame. Jay Cutler just has not progressed since he’s entered the league. The ever expanding gap between Cutler and elite QBs can be seen in this game as Tom Brady will show off great footwork in the pocket and get rid of the ball in a timely manner. Meanwhile, Cutler will take a sack-fumble because he can’t make a decision. The Bears only have one hope to pull off the road upset and his name is Matt Forte.

Win: New England Patriots

Bills @ Jets

The mediocrity of the AFC East will be on full display as Kyle Orton’s Neckbeards face off against Geno’s Jets. New York can win this game if they jump on Buffalo early, but the Jets are just not the same team playing from behind. Expect New York to bottle up Bryce Brown and Anthony Dixon (No. 3 and 4 respectively on the RB depth chart), which means the game will swing back and forth like the dick between Kyle Orton’s legs. This is essentially a coin toss game that favors the better defense and smarter QB.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Vikings @ Buccaneers

No one gives a shit about this game. Fans in Minnesota and Tampa Bay are already waiting for the season to be over so they know where the team will be drafting. Since both teams are evenly miserable, I’m going to side with the team who has the more experienced quarterback. That means you, Golidlocks. Show us what’s just right.

Win: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Seahawks @ Panthers

Words cannot explain how the Carolina Panthers are remaining competitive. It’s all Cam Newton at this point. During any given Sunday, Cam could shed his street clothes and put on his cape to carry Carolina past any opponent. Don’t be surprised to see that happen here at home against the Seattle Seahawks. Coach Double Rainbow cannot contain the chaos and controversy in his own locker room. After trading Percy Harvin to the Jets for some frequent flyer miles, it is clear that everyone is on edge in Seattle. While I hope beyond hope that it all blows up entirely, the smart money is on a Seattle rebound.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Dolphins @ Jaguars

Although I didn’t have the guts to call it outright, I hinted at the possibility of Week 7 being the first victory of Blake Bortles’ career. Bortles Service delivered against Cleveland Browns, but a repeat performance against the in-state rival Dolphins is a wholly different challenge. If Jacksonville is to win again on the back-to-back, the Jaguars need Denard Robinson to shed his shoelaces and run all over Miami. Unfortunately, the probability of that happening is unlikely. Expect Miami to put together a complete game offensively and defensively at their home away from home.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Eagles @ Cardinals

PHI - Shady

Arizona has somehow remained competitive despite mediocre talent and a smorgasbord of injuries. The credit for the Cardinals’ surprising season goes to Bruce Arians, who has made a world of difference in the desert. However, Arizona gets a real test at home with Chip Kelly’s Philadelphia Eagles looking to spread their wings. The Eagles have issues on their offensive line, but Philly can fill the stat sheet when LeSean McCoy is gaining chunk yards on the ground. If Arizona contains the Eagles on the ground, then the pressure will be on Nick Foles to move the chains. At some point, I still expect to see Mark Sanchez, but Foles could keep Mr. Butt Fumble at bay with an impressive performance against a stout, swarming defense owned by the Arizona Cardinals.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Raiders @ Browns

The Browns really shit the bed last week against the Jaguars. Cleveland needs to rebuild momentum if the team is going to compete for a playoff spot. On the other side, Oakland has quickly become Derek Carr’s team as the rookie QB is cagey enough to carry the offense on his back for broad stretches. Unfortunately, there’s no one on Oakland’s defense that can do the same. Here’s to hoping Brian Hoyer can keep Johnny Manziel on the bench with an impressive performance against the Raiders.

Win: Cleveland Browns

Colts @ Steelers

If there is any cosmic justice, Andrew the Giant will defeat Rapistberger on the road—even if he has to pull a horseshoe out of his ass again. Indianapolis has had incredible defensive performances recently, but the Colts’ secondary will be put to the test by Antonio Brown. While Pittsburgh could turn back the clock against mediocre talent, the Colts have been playing well as a team and they possess the ability to bottle up the Steelers’ running attack. Big Ben doesn’t typically turn the ball over while Luck overcomes a multitude of his team’s mistakes. What’s another 4th quarter comeback for Andrew Luck?

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Packers @ Saints

GB - Relax

New Orleans has become well-versed in snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. With a shitty defense and inconsistent supporting parts on offense, Drew Brees continues to try to do too much—only compounding issues for the Saints. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers is relaxed like he’s getting regular blowjobs from Olivia Munn. Green Bay is growing more complex on offense, but the problem for the Packers is their defense. Expect a shootout in New Orleans. My money is on the Green Bay Gunslinger.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Redskins @ Cowboys

Colt McCoy’s pop gun arm gets to literally play Cowboys and Indians on Monday Night. That matchup never ends up well for the Indians. On a proverbial season-long Trail of Tears, the Redskins are eagerly anticipating the return of RG Knee as their savior. But he’s not walking through that door this week. Expect Dallas to keep rolling at home with a decisive win against this division foe.

Win: Dallas Cowboys

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