Poster

The Pyramid is very ungood. The smell inside that ancient enclosed structure is equaled only by the overwhelming stench of this pile of shit movie. How did this script get greenlit?

Under the guise that a documentary crew (just a chick and her cameraman) is following an archaeological team, The Pyramid is a very loose interpretation of a found footage film that focuses on the discovery of a new great pyramid underground in Egypt. With the same issues as End of Watch, The Pyramid spends too much time making sure the audience is fully aware that this is a documentary, but then it expects us not to notice when it inevitably breaks the very rules it meticulously created and emphasized.

Choose a direction. A found footage film shot from that perspective inside a pyramid could have been promising in appropriate hands. Grégory Levasseur is a first-time director that was not the right person for the job. After looking up his credits, it now all makes sense that Levasseur co-wrote the screenplay for Maniac, which is one of the worst movies I have ever watched. Maniac is a movie in which Elijah Wood plays a serial who kills women, staples their scalps to mannequins, then he presumably fucks said mannequins. That’s not a spoiler, that’s just what the entire movie is about—all 90 minutes.

If it’s a compliment, The Pyramid is slightly less excruciating so Levassur must be improving. A movie released earlier this year is As Above So Below, which is nearly identical in subject matter and relatively similar in execution as The Pyramid. This is not a groundbreaking story by any means.

Hinshaw

With such an uninspired story, The Pyramid does itself no favors with clumsy exposition that is supposed to set up the plot. It’s clear that Ashley Hinshaw was cast as the lead because she’s a blonde with big tits. Hinshaw plays Nora (the daughter of the father/daughter archaeology duo) and she is incredibly unbelievable as an archaeologist. Hinshaw butchers the dialogue with her stilted, stiff delivery. She didn’t make any mispronunciations, but you could tell those words were practiced and rehearsed to death.

Denis O’Hare did an acceptable job as Holden (the father and primary archaeologist), but there just wasn’t much for him to do. The same could be said for Christa Nicola as Sunni (the female filmmaker). The man behind the documentary camera was James Buckley playing Fitzie, who was the clear star of the movie. Most have probably never heard of James Buckley before, but he’s great comic relief in Charlie Countryman (a phenomenal film starring Shia LeBeouf) and he serves the same purpose in The Pyramid. Without Buckley as Fitzie, The Pyramid would be like Cloverfield without T.J. Miller as the cameraman, Hud.

While everyone is enthralled with understanding the hieroglyphics inside The Pyramid, Fitzie is the one character who truly wants to get the fuck out of this horrible hell hole.

Apex

Nothing seems as if there was any thought put into it aside from passages from someone’s 8th grade world history textbook. After uncovering a new great pyramid under thousands of years of dirt, civil unrest in Cairo or something like that causes the dig site to be shut down and evacuated even though it is literally in Bumfuck, Egypt. Despite several threats from a lone soldier (without any other military personnel in sight), our merry bands of fucktards think it is a good idea to go inside of this ancient pyramid to look for their robot that they already knew was destroyed. Does any of this make sense in any world? Of course not.

And I’m not spoiling anything when I say that everyone would have died instantly in the first instance in which the crew gets lost and faces adversity. Everyone surviving without a fucking scratch is ludicrous. It was an entirely unnecessary scene that should serve as a serious red flag for any hopes of realism.

Inside The Pyramid

The Pyramid has all of the horrendous clichés of typical horror movies.

Surely, there are scenes where our ragtag crew goes in circles and find themselves back where they started. Creatures pop out of the darkness to scare people. Only pairs of beady eyes can be seen in the pitch black. All of your usual gags are here. Unfortunately, there’s not much else packed in The Pyramid.

An unsettling score prompts the audience and attempts to tell you how to feel. But none of it works. The Pyramid appears as little more than a juvenile attempt at a found footage horror movie. We already have enough of those and The Pyramid adds nothing new to this floundering, overused genre.

The worst part about this movie is the end. With the entire runtime revolving around this mystery of why the pyramid was built, the final reveal is so ultimately unsatisfying and downright childish. I enjoy B-quality schlock, but there are better horror movies found on the SyFy channel.

Avoid this like a plague from ancient Egypt.

Opening

1 out of 5 stars

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