Overall: 116-76
Last Week: 6-7

Bears @ Cowboys

Marc Trestman may be maxed out as an offensive coordinator. Even in that respect, Trestman has been a disappointment this year by not orienting the Chicago offense around Matt Forte. Instead of feeding Forte a steady of diet of carries, the Bears have put all their offensive hopes on the back foot throws of Jay Cutler, which hasn’t helped Smokin’ Jay at all. On the defensive side, Chicago still has a largely Tampa 2 personnel even though the team is employing a different scheme. I’m sure most Bears fans would love to swap Trestman and new Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach Lovie Smith. While that’s not going to happen, Chicago should probably fire Trestman and dump Cutler for draft compensation. The rest of this year is going to look ugly on the field and this game against Dallas doesn’t figure to be any different.

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Steelers @ Bengals

I never know what to think about these two teams aside from how much I hate them both. Rapistberger vs. Red Rocket! Cincinnati is sticking around as the division leader largely due to unlikely benefits of having a tie. Can this mediocre Bengals team hang around for the rest of the year? Gamblers all over the world are salivating at the thought of Andy Dalton in a playoff game. While I can see Cincinnati running all over Pittsburgh with Jeremy Hill and Giovanni Bernard, it’s so easy for Andy Dalton to stall a drive by sailing passes or throwing it directly to the opposing defense. It pains me to take Pittsburgh.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Colts @ Browns

So much for all that Johnny Manziel drama. Although demoting Brian Hoyer would be quite the kick in the balls, Manziel’s frantic run for his life approach plays better against this Colts defense than Hoyer’s statuesque pocket presence. Indianapolis struggles mightily against the run, and Manziel’s dual threat ability could have caused true havoc opening running lanes all over the field. But alas, Johnny Clipboard will wait until the Browns’ limited playoff hopes are completely dashed. In order for Cleveland to beat the Colts, the Browns will need 30+ points because manchild Andrew Luck will certainly orchestrate an offense that will attack the weaknesses of Cleveland’s surprisingly strong overall defense.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Buccaneers @ Lions

Aren’t the Buccaneers still technically in the hunt for NFC South? That’s as pathetic as Tampa’s offense. Detroit will probably get burned once or twice deep by Mike Evans, but even the Lions can’t blow this opportunity at an easy win. Unless Matthew Stafford implodes and starts flinging passes sidearm again, Detroit’s defense should keep the Buccaneers on their own side of the 50-yard line for most of the game.

Win: Detroit Lions

Giants @ Titans

So many horrible games on the slate in Week 14, but this could be the worst. The New York Giants could conceivably be dead and put together the same performance on a weekly basis. Last week’s embarrassing choke job against the Jacksonville Jaguars is inexcusable. Of course, that just means Eli Manning will inexplicably throw 4 TDs against the Titans. It’s nearly impossible to trust Tennessee with an injured Zach Mettenberger. Can New York snatch defeat from the jaws of victory one more time?

Win: New York Giants

Ravens @ Dolphins

This will be the type of competitive game that is just unwatchable. In this matchup, we’re treated to Baltimore’s clone of Kerry Collins (Joe Flacco) verus Miami’s clone of Alex Smith (Ryan Tannehill). The Dolphins have impressed this season, but Miami is a team with too many deficiencies to be a serious contender. Meanwhile, the Ravens are mildly mediocre, and this squad seems like a poor fit against Miami’s stout pass defense. If Baltimore gets a huge boost running the ball, then the Dolphins will be in trouble. After last week’s late debacle against San Diego, I can’t trust Baltimore against a team that dominated the Chargers earlier this season. Miami desperately needs Ryan Tannehill to carry this team.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Jets @ Vikings

Geno Glue Hands

Will Geno Smith have more than 10 pass attempts? I think Geno’s hand is glued to the ball.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Panthers @ Saints

Somehow, Cam Newton has become a complete fucking mess. No longer capable of carrying such an inept supporting cast, the ‘S’ on Newton’s chest has faded quickly. Carolina needs to get their shit in order and stop wasting the best years of Cam’s athletic ability. Out of all the running QBs, Newton appears to pose the best chances of long-term success since he’s built like Daunte Culpepper. As long as Cam can avoid a catastrophic injury, the Panthers will hang around in the lowly NFC South for years. But this is not their year. Expect today’s event to become a quite a bit Drew Breezy.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Rams @ Redskins

While it doesn’t make much sense, I would pay to see RG Knee on the Rams next season. Jeff Fisher embarrassed Washington as much as the team’s racist nickname. Hopefully Dan Snyder enjoys seeing all the defensive talent in St. Louis that he traded to the Rams. The skin on his face should be so red.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Texans @ Jaguars

What’s next for J.J. Watt? Against the Jaguars, Watt might throw, run, and catch a TD. I understand Houston wants Watt to win the MVP, but the gimmick of using him as a Gronk-esque weapon on offense is going to hurt them at some point. Hopefully we don’t see J.J. blow an MCL in his search for an MVP.

Win: Houston Texans

Bills @ Broncos

Last Sunday’s dominant rushing attack against Kansas City was quite the statement for the Broncos. With the Bills coming into Denver, expect the same sound strategy against Kyle Orton. Denver’s defense isn’t up to an elite level, but Peyton just needs the defense to hold onto one Orton interception to create enough point separation for a Broncos win.

Win: Denver Broncos

Chiefs @ Cardinals

Could the Cardinals fade and be the best team not in the playoffs for the second straight season? If Kansas City intends to stay in the hunt for an AFC playoff spot, then this game could be the death knell for Arizona. Carson Palmer is out for the year and Andre Ellington might be joining him very soon. Arizona’s offensive depth isn’t up to par with their defensive’s ability to play as a collective unit. While Kansas City has been experiencing their own adversity, the conservative approach of limiting Alex Smith seems like a smart play against an Arizona Cardinals defense intent on creating turnovers. Bruce Arians needs to develop his greatest game plan yet and Drew Stanton needs flawless execution.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

49ers @ Raiders

Oakland is an embarrassment. But at least Jim Harbaugh gets an opportunity to scout the talent on his future team. The cupboard is bare for the Raiders. Good luck finding a can of beans worth saving.

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Seahawks @ Eagles

Perhaps I should have expected more out of Mr. Butt Fumble, but unearthing the image of Mark Sanchez running face first into his own lineman’s ass was well worth being wrong. Unfortunately for Philadelphia, the Seattle Seahawks don’t have the same Swiss cheese holes on defense as the Dallas Cowboys. This matchup might turn into the week’s best game. Philadelphia is a team that rides the highs and lows like a roller coaster, and Seattle’s improved play could be the impetus to cause the Eagles’ season to go off the tracks. I’ll quietly hope for Chip Kelly to silence Richard Sherman, but the Seahawks seem to have Ric Flair’s “To be the man, you’ve gotta beat the man” mantra at heart.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Patriots @ Chargers

The only way I win as a viewer watching this game is if Tom Brady and Philip Rivers get career-ending injuries. As a Peyton Manning fan, I’ll settle for some serious injuries on both sides of the ball for each team. San Diego undeservedly pulled a win out of their ass last week against Baltimore, but the Patriots pose a considerably stronger challenge. Expect New England to rush for 300 yards with whatever C+ they pulled off the scrap heap most recently. This is the type of game where Brady won’t need to make more than a handful of throws, but the Patriots might just decide to log 50 pass attempts.

Win: New England Patriots

Falcons @ Packers

Atlanta can pretend to be a playoff contender all they want. The Falcons have as much of a chance of making the playoffs as the cast of The Walking Dead has of finding a cure in the zombie apocalypse. Unless Green Bay decides to hammer Atlanta with Eddie Lacy, Aaron Rodgers has a fair shot to break the single game TD record. Julio Jones may burn the Packers, but Matt Ryan isn’t the same caliber of laser accurate passer. Expect a great performance from Rodgers and his ol’ starry blues.

Win: Green Bay Packers

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