Overall: 151-89
Last Week: 10-6

Colts @ Titans

The Colts looked like horseshit last week against Dallas. Indianapolis should be looking to build momentum heading into next week’s playoff game and Tennessee provides the perfect opportunity to get healthy. With a weak, defeated Titans team just wanting the season to be over, expect the Colts to try to put this one away early so the fans head home. Charlie Whitehurst is not winning this game.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Chargers @ Chiefs

Kansas City has collapsed and the Chiefs will be home watching this year’s playoffs. Alex Smith’s lacerated spleen ends his season with 0 TDs thrown to a WR, which is quite an achievement of futility. The Chiefs play like they are all collectively trapped in quicksand and a quick strike will only happen if a RB has blocking or breaks open a screen pass. Meanwhile, San Diego can rack up points even with Philip Rivers hurt and awaiting offseason surgery. Chase Daniel is not winning this game.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Jets @ Dolphins

The Jets have had an abysmal season, and Rex Ryan has reportedly already cleaned out his locker. New York’s only incentive is to lose to increase their draft position for the next regime. Miami is mediocre to slightly above average, but the Dolphins play together reasonably well as a team. New York’s defense can make this competitively close if they haven’t given up, but Geno Smith at QB likes to play with one hand (his throwing hand) tied behind his back. Why wouldn’t a playoff team bring in Rex Ryan as a defensive consultant for the stretch run like the Patriots did with Josh McDaniels?

Win: Miami Dolphins

Bears @ Vikings

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. Smokin’ Jimmy is gone after being speared in the head last week so it’s the Return of the King, Smokin’ Jay Cutler. Bears fans can only hope Cutler gives them one more vintage performance of ill-advised throws off his back foot and insanely stupid decisions of where to go with the football. If Cutler manages to win this game and show flashes of competence, I fear the worst for the Chicago Bears. All signs seem to point to Mike Shanahan becoming the next head coach of the Chicago Bears, which would mean their front office doesn’t have the balls to get rid of Cutler and his hefty new contract. It’s time to move one. Let’s just hope Teddy Bridgewater can show Chicago it’s not the end of the world to start over with a younger, more promising QB. At this point, Jay Cutler is Smokin’ Jay.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Bills @ Patriots

New England has nothing to play for after locking up the No. 1 seed in the AFC last week. Buffalo will be looking to exact some revenge on their division rival so Belicheat will wisely sit most of the Patriots starters for most of this game. There’s no upside to participating in this defensive struggle. Even Kyle Orton should be able to score enough against the second unit by checking down on every pass.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Eagles @ Giants

It turns out Mr. Butt Fumble isn’t the best decision-maker. Mark Sanchez submarined Philadelphia’s playoff chances as well as his own hopes and dreams at once again becoming a starting NFL QB. The Eagles aren’t a well-rounded team, and they’ll need to make important strides this offseason if they intend to return to the playoffs. On the other side, I honestly don’t know what to ever expect from the New York Giants. Odell Beckham will probably make another handful of awe-inspiring plays, but the Giants are better served with a loss while Philadelphia looks to salvage some respect. Just die already, Giants.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Saints @ Buccaneers

The NFL has tried to put some shine on the last few weeks of the regular season by scheduling division games. New Orleans against Tampa Bay is a prime example of why that strategy doesn’t work. In the NFL’s worst division, the two teams that were too awful to compete for the division crown face off in a game that nobody wants to win. I’m pretty sure the Buccaneers forfeited the remaining games on their schedule after Week 4. Although Drew Brees is becoming a shell of his former self, the Saints should be able to muster enough offense to win this meaningless game against an opponent try to lose for weeks now.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Cowboys @ Redskins

Dallas doesn’t have anything really at stake against Washington except a minimal amount of pride. Expect the Cowboys starters to get some run early, but this is more of a preseason style of game. With Dallas likely resting up for the playoffs, it would not be a good look for RG Knee to lose this tasty matchup. Somehow, some way RG Knee will be back in Washington next season. As unlikely as that sounds, Griffin could give some glimpses into why the Redskins were so willing to mortgage the future for him. It still won’t end up pretty for the Redskins, but Daniel Snyder is nothing if not stupidly stubborn.

Win: Washington Redskins

Browns @ Ravens

John Manziel actually admitted he needs to take football more serious. Are you kidding? That’s the clueless understatement of the year. Manziel’s athleticism couldn’t help him make plays in the NFL and his arm strength is questionable. Now, the Browns will kick Josh Gordon to the curb for pennies on the dollar after he missed a meeting. For every step Cleveland takes forward, the franchise inevitably staggers two steps back. Bryan Hoyer is injured and Rex Grossman refused to leave his family to join the shitty Browns. Promoted from the practice squad, new Browns QB Connor Upshaw is not winning this game.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Jaguars @ Texans

It’s unbelievable that there are a handful of teams worse than the Jacksonville Jaguars. Houston has more talent than Jacksonville, but the real difference-maker is J.J. Watt. With a field of uninspiring candidates, Watt may actually win the MVP this year even if the Texans fall short in the playoffs. Without J.J. Watt, Houston would likely be in the NFL basement with Jacksonville instead of overcoming a multitude of QB injuries that has put Case Keenum and Tom “Macho Man” Savage in the driver seat.

Win: Houston Texans

Panthers @ Falcons

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve dismissed Atlanta this year. I still don’t trust Mike Smith as a head coach, and all the signs point to Cam Newton carrying Carolina into the playoffs on his back. But with a mediocre supporting cast, the Panthers seem just as likely to lose by a field goal in the final moments. Atlanta’s defense is average at best, but the Falcons only need timely stops to limit Carolina’s offense and put Matt Ryan in a position to win the game. If Julio Jones is anywhere close to healthy, the Panthers won’t be able to cover him and another 150+ yard performance may be in the making.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Raiders @ Broncos

Peyton Manning is not healthy. And I’m not talking about his arm. Peyton has hobbled around in the pocket the last few weeks. If you watch the games, Peyton particularly struggles to hand the ball off so his quad injury seems more serious than the team has suggested. In 2008, Peyton Manning had knee surgery prior to the season that forced him to miss the entire preseason and he only barely made it back for Week 1. I remember watching that game against the Bears where Manning wasn’t mobile enough to hand the ball off so every Colts run was a pitch to Joseph Addai. That’s exactly how Manning looks right now. Denver’s defense didn’t show up last week as I predicted, and Manning wasn’t healthy enough to complete the comeback. The Broncos must be kicking themselves now because they need to win this game against Oakland to lock up a bye and the No. 2 seed in the AFC. Look for another run-heavy approach as Denver does everything they can to allow Manning to heal. In the playoffs, Manning needs to be able to have both feet planted firmly underneath him when he attempts passes downfield.

Win: Denver Broncos

Lions @ Packers

Black Mannequin

While Carolina vs. Atlanta is playoff (or play-in) game, the stakes aren’t quite as high in this division matchup. However, the winner takes the division crown and home-field advantage in the playoffs whereas the loser lives to fight again next week in the opening round. With the game at Lambeau, look for a steady diet of Eddie Lacy’s damaging attacks on Detroit’s defensive line while Aaron Rodgers picks his spots to air it out. When it comes down to the final moments, I don’t trust Matthew Stafford. The black mannequin on the sidelines while Jim Caldwell watches from a stadium box doesn’t inspire much confidence either.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Cardinals @ 49ers

Arizona’s season has completely crumbled and all of their hopes have been bulldozed. Setting a record for ineptitude, Ryan Lindley has the most career passing attempts without ever throwing a TD. Expect that to continue against a San Francisco defense that likes to blitz and create pressure. Despite all the dysfunction and the impending departure of Jim Harbaugh, expect the 49ers to rally around the family with a pocket full of shells. Neither Ryan Lindley nor Logan Thomas will win this game.

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Rams @ Seahawks

Just when you thought Seattle might be down for the count, the Seahawks have surged back to life. Showing the same form that dominated opposing teams last year, Seattle is a serious Super Bowl contender once again. All playoff teams should look at this matchup and see how a familiar division rival like St. Louis attacks the Seahawks offense. Defenses will want to get contained pressure on Russell Wilson to force him to make quick decisions and prevent him from manipulating the defense with his legs. The degree to which Russell Wilson drops back for passes is unlike anything I’ve ever seen aside from playing Madden. On at least half of his passes, I swear Wilson will take 10 steps back to survey the field and then a RB or TE leaks out to run parallel with Wilson. Either Wilson will use that potential receiver as a dump off if defenses target him or he’ll scatter for a 1st Down. It’s nearly unstoppable without a spy capable of pass coverage.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Bengals @ Steelers

Despite Andy Dalton and his dog-dick red hair, Cincinnati seemingly stunned everyone except me last week when they defeated the Broncos. Let this be known: Jeremy Hill is a punishing RB who could be the second coming of clock-killin’ Corey Dillon in Cincinnati. However, the Bengals need to upgrade on Andy Dalton if they want to become Super Bowl contenders. The biggest, most meaningful difference between Cincinnati and Pittsburgh is the QB position. With Rapistberger throwing up passes that Antonio Brown somehow corrals, the Steelers will be a dangerous team in the playoffs because they can take shots down the field but still sustain drives with their stud RB Le’Veon Bell–who will soon become a household name.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers


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