An ode to mopey suburbia, Boyhood is a boring, bland movie made for boring, bland white people.

Boyhood is ungood and it should fade away into mediocrity forever. Please, everyone shut up about this movie. Can we all agree that Boyhood is only mildly interesting because it was filmed over 12 years? Does it truly enhance your experience by seeing the actors and actresses age on-screen?

It’s a gimmick, nothing more. It’s a joke that Boyhood was nominated for Best Picture.

The question you should ask yourself is would you watch this movie if it were just different actors or old-age makeup? There shouldn’t be anyone out there who wants to see this smelly, stinky turd again. Let me be crass for a bit: Boyhood is the result of Richard Linklater’s 12-year bout of constipation. Every year for 12 years, he sat on the toilet for a few minutes and pushed before letting it brew for another year. I’m happy that Linklater finally had a bowel movement, but I didn’t need to experience it.

Nothing happens in this movie. Not a fucking thing. Nothing at all.

Patricia Arquette

Boyhood is a wretched experience. Even if you watch at home, you will squirm in your seat and check the clock repeatedly throughout the nearly 3-hour runtime. Don’t expect the pace to whisk you away either and make you forget you’re trapped for 3 hours with utterly unlikable characters.

If you’re going to make a movie based on a boy’s childhood, you might want to invest money in some acting classes to be certain he can actually act. Alas, there was no such luck with Ellar Coltrane—who plays the role of Mason. Even his name sounds douchey. Most children are terrible actors so I was willing to give him a pass when the movie started. But every scene becomes more and more excruciating.

By the time he becomes a teenager, I was openly rooting for him to die.

Coltrane’s delivery when he reaches high school age is brutal. Meanwhile, the director’s daughter Lorelei Linklater was surprisingly good as Samantha—Mason’s sister. Boyhood would have benefitted from killing off Mason and focusing on Samantha because Lorelei Linklater actually had talent and charisma. Ellar Coltrane is a complete and total bore. His performance is a fatal flaw for the film.

When the boy in Boyhood cannot captivate the audience’s interest in any scene, it tends to put a damper on enjoying the experience of him growing up before your eyes. I groaned with progressively more frustration as Coltrane continued to flounder. He was hopelessly flopping around like a dead fish.

Ethan Hawke

Maybe it’s just me, but the gimmick didn’t work. Watching Patricia Arquette go from a blonde bombshell to sad old lady with saggy boobs is just sad and depressing. Ethan Hawke does an admirable job, and his cluelessness as an absentee father probably makes him the most entertaining character in the movie. But there’s not enough of Ethan Hawke or anything else for the audience to enjoy in Boyhood.

During many moments, Richard Linklater thinks his script is professing something deep and philosophical. Incorrect, it’s merely stupid existential rambling from the eyes of a character who has never truly experienced anything. This bullshit is a hallmark of people who believe they’re smart.

If you identify with this character, it’s a sign you might be an idiot.

Boyhood doesn’t provide any obstacles to overcome or any lessons to be learned. From my perspective, this is a sloppy mess of mostly fluff and pointless pandering. Congratulations, it worked well enough to fool people into a few Oscar nominations. Everyone should ignore this movie.

As a society, we shouldn’t reward such awful writing. Seize a garbage can to throw up in afterwards.

Seize the Moment

Other Way Around

Moment Seizes Us

1.5 out of 5 stars

  1. I saw this movie (thankfully on Redbox) it was soooo bad. Everything you’ve said is 💯!

  2. […] Sniper Birdman: 4.5-star review Boyhood: 1.5-star review The Grand Budapest Hotel The Imitation Game: 3-star review Selma The Theory of […]

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