Overall: 170-96
Last Week: 0-2…but not really

Patriots @ Seahawks

Who the fuck cares about this game?

This year’s Super Bowl is the least interesting match-up in a long while. Outside of New England and the Pacific Northwest, who seriously cares about either the Patriots or Seahawks? Both franchises feature so many obnoxious and downright unlikable players like Tom Brady, LeGarette Blount, Russell Wilson, and Richard Sherman. For as much shit that has been thrown at Marshawn Lynch for his refusal to speak with the media, no player in the history of sports has quit his way to success like Patriots RB LeGarette Blount. I haven’t even mentioned the patriarchs of each team—Despicable Me evil villain Bill Belicheat and Coach Double Rainbow (yeah, dude, bro) Pete Carroll.

For the record, I’m fine with someone dropping a nuclear bomb on the Super Bowl. I would die from the blast or the fallout would reach me 30 minutes away from the stadium. But at least I would die knowing that Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, Pete Carroll, Russell Wilson, and Richard Sherman all died horrible deaths. Somehow, Rob Gronkowski would emerge from rubble unscathed and dancing shirtless.

Try as I might, I cannot hate him. Rob Gronkowski is a polar bear.

Polar Bear

Even if Gronk carries the Patriots to their first Super Bowl victory in a decade, I personally feel the entire run of New England under the Belicheat Regime is (at the least) tainted or (at the worst) invalidated. In their 3 Super Bowl wins in the early 2000s, the Patriots beat their opponents by a combined 9 times. Heap all the adoration you want onto Tom Brady’s shoulders, but New England won every Super Bowl on the strength of an Adam Vinatieri game-winning field goal.

While the topic of underblown balls has become completely overblown, you would think Seattle’s laundry list of PED suspensions (including Richard Sherman’s reversal on a shady Adderall claim) might be newsworthy. Especially since it coincides with the recent success of the Seahawks over the last few years. Maybe Seattle just has a bunch of players with short attention spans and learning deficiencies. Or the Seahawks have found a convenient excuse for PED usage because teams don’t truly have to release the real reason behind a positive test.

Despite the hype of DeflateGate, the most revealing aspect of this scandal is that New England is still trying to do everything possible to gain an unfair advantage. Clearly, the removal of draft picks is not a sufficient deterrent after New England was already caught red-handed videotaping other teams. What happened to those tapes? In all his infinite wisdom, Roger Goodell destroyed the goddamn tapes.

Why? You can’t have evidence of the greatest coach in NFL history blatantly cheating.


Oh, and remember that time the Patriots harbored a murdered? The Aaron Hernandez murder trial of Odin Lloyd starts tomorrow. Apparently, jurors can watch the Super Bowl as long as Aaron Hernandez isn’t mentioned—monitored by the judge. But the jurors must leave the room if his name comes up. If the media coverage leading up to the Super Bowl is any indication, the jurors will get to watch the game uninterrupted. How many teams can say they drafted a player who went on to savagely murder several people? Right now, I believe the body county has climbed to possibly 3 in which we’re presently aware—not mentioning a handful of questionable instances during college.

Regardless, the Patriots are willing to do anything in the name of winning. When Aaron Hernandez finally got caught, Bill Belichick tore a hamstring running to the waiver wire to release him. Just like that, the entire Patriots franchise stepped back from any responsibility and washed their hands of the whole situation. It’s not our fault.

Accountability seems to be a perpetual issue for the Patriots. From last week’s batshit crazy press conferences, it was abundantly clear that both Bill Belichick and Tom Brady were brazenly lying to the general public. Tom Brady can continue to be Teflon under pressure in football games, but I found out all I needed to know about Tom Brady as a human being when he cracked in the face of rather mundane media questions. There’s no need to be rattled if you’re only telling the truth. Instead of admitting that he ordered employees of the Patriots to rub down and deflate his balls, Tom Brady gave a fake laugh and immediately tried to brush off the controversy in a radio interview after the AFC Championship. Remember, Tom Brady led the charge years ago to allow road teams to prepare the footballs before games.

Tom Brady can just flash that smile and everything goes away. Everyone already forgot about Tom Brady’s hair plugs. Speaking of rugs, scandals don’t matter when you’re successful because anything can get swept under the rug.

Lie, cheat, and steal: The Patriot Way.

Patriot Way

Win: New England Patriots, 28-25

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