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Never has a movie been more aptly named than Trainwreck.

Written by first-time screenwriter Amy Schumer and directed by Judd Apatow, this movie had everything working against it from the start. Trainwreck deserves to have the Spike Lee-esque treatment of “An Amy Schumer Abortion” tagline in the opening credits. Known for her raunchy style of comedy, Trainwreck delivers heaps of cringe-worthy dialogue and adolescent sexual content intended as shock value. Rest assured, the only shocking part of Trainwreck is the utter lack of humor and absence of wit.

Who actually enjoys this movie?

Even Amy Schumer fans should be ashamed to find this funny. This isn’t coming from a place of malice. I don’t hate Amy Schumer. I like her personality and she blossomed on the Comedy Central Roasts. However, I don’t care for most of her stand-up comedy because her material is heavily reliant on hacky sex jokes about her slutty behavior. Some seemingly find that funny because it’s coming from a woman.

I am not among those people. I find female comedians funny in the same manner as I find male comedians funny—relatable observations/commentary on life with quality writing and comedic timing. Kathleen Madigan is one of the best working stand-up comedians regardless of gender. Amy Schumer is capable of being funny. But the awful writing displayed in Trainwreck is downright unforgivable at most times.

Amy Schumer

My issue with Trainwreck isn’t specifically Amy Schumer. This movie would have been the same pile of garbage regardless of the female lead. But Schumer does bear the biggest burden of responsibility as the writer with an abysmal attempt at humor. Judd Apatow made things worse by getting his greasy mitts involved shoving cameo after cameo down the gullet of the audience. I can only describe this baffling decision as desperately trying to distract the audience. The end-result is a forgettable string of athletes and actual actors popping in for meaningless moments. Just tell me Tony Romo had to pay for his role.

Don’t worry, Trainwreck has plenty more where that came from—you can rely on Apatow to go to the well early and often. I have read and heard from several people praising Amy Schumer’s performance. I must have watched a different movie. Amy Schumer did not exactly stretch her acting wings as Amy, a drunk slut who somehow coasts through life. Amy Schumer wishes this was on the same level of non-acting as Courtney Love playing a strung-out whore. To her credit, Amy surprisingly doesn’t fuck up her one dramatic scene. The rest of the time, she’s a mess failing to deliver the clunky lines she wrote.

No humor shines through this slog of a movie. Getting through it felt like homework.

I’m not going out on a limb saying no one should ever go shooting up innocent people in public. Leave my theater-going experience alone. Unless it involves people talking during the movie, the theater is my last bastion of salvation away from the miserable world. But if there is a silver-lining to be found in being shot after the first 15 minutes of Trainwreck…at least you aren’t subjected to hearing John Cena’s grunting and seeing his bare ass. Seriously, John Cena’s acting ability breaks new ground in dreadfulness.

John Cena

I would do anything to scrub my brain clean from John Cena’s residue.

Why was John Cena cast as Amy Schumer’s on-again, off-again boyfriend?

Did Judd Apatow Amy Schumer’s non-acting necessitate using other non-actors?

I admit, John Cena was so distractingly bad that I wasn’t even paying attention to Amy Schumer. Poor Bill Hader had to carry LeBron James and Amar’e Stoudemire on his back in addition to playing the straight guy against Schumer’s goofy, aloof character. Colin Quinn’s performance is the only positive result of this mind-numbing casting approach. After so many years of catching grief from fellow comedians on Tough Crowd for mumbling and bumbling through jokes, Colin Quinn delivers the best lines and is endearing in dramatic spurts despite playing a complete asshole. While Quinn was interesting and enjoyable as an old curmudgeon, the novelty of comedian cameos runs thin despite my urge to name faces—Mike Birbiglia, Dave Attell, Jim Florentine, Bobby Kelly, Keith Robinson, Nikki Glaser, and Kyle Dunnigan.

Colin Quinn

With very few genuinely funny moments (nothing besides Colin Quinn’s Babe Ruth rant comes to mind), Trainwreck is an unmemorable misfire in a bland movie genre. At least Matthew McConaughey’s romantic comedies were watchable. Somehow, the hype surrounding the movie pre-determined that this would be the breakout summer hit. Amy Schumer might be able to write a good movie. Trainwreck is not that movie. Hopefully she will write and appear in a supporting role rather than star as the lead. Judging by Trainwreck, I’m fairly confident in characterizing Amy Schumer charisma-free as an actress. Room for growth is only possible if Schumer moves past the sophomoric approach to lowest common denominator humor.

This shit wasn’t funny when it was Dane Cook in Good Luck Chuck.

Time will tell if Amy Schumer’s skyrocketing career will similarly plummet like Dane Cook and dovetail into oblivion—at least in terms of mass appeal and critical success. If Schumer intends to stick to the “mostly sex stuff” shtick, then this same annoying approach will wear down the goodwill Amy Schumer has built by seeming to be a real, genuine human being. That’s not enough to get me to like this movie.

Short on comedy and long on pseudo-romance that no one cares about, Trainwreck is the worst non-Adam Sandler movie I’ve had the misfortune of watching this summer. Don’t trust anyone who likes Trainwreck because it’s most likely a sign of shitty taste in movies. Avoid unless you like throwing up in your mouth. If you have managed to ignore this movie, rejoice and celebrate the continued accomplishment.

Celebration

1 out of 5 stars

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