Overall: 18-14
Last Week: 6-10

Redskins @ Giants

Eli Face
I can sleep easy at night knowing that when Peyton retires at the end of the year, I’ll still have Eli to hold me over until I have to wait nearly 20 years for Peyton Manning’s twins—Marshall and Mosley—to enter the NFL. For years now, I’ve made the argument that Eli is a Top 10 QB. While Eli seemingly enjoys mirroring his career after a teeter-totter, I still believe he can elevate a mediocre team and make enough plays to be elite. The Giants aren’t as bad as their recent blunders suggest and no one wants to see insufferable Redskins fans with their racist owner enjoying an undefeated start.

Win: New York Giants

Raiders @ Browns

Cleveland was threatening to become interesting under John Football. As a result, no more fun can be had so it’s back to the bench for Li’l Romo. I like Josh McCown, he seems like a cool enough guy—maybe it’s because he’s a Dolph Lundgren impersonator. But having Josh McCown as your starting QB is a sign to get ready for the coming football apocalypse. Watch out, the Raiders are verging on punchy. This will be a horrible game to watch, but it’ll give Oakland a reason for optimism if Derek Carr can lead the Raiders to a victory against a stout Cleveland defense—a week after pulling off a surprising upset against Baltimore. At least the Browns can learn how well Johnny Manziel can hold a clipboard.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Falcons @ Cowboys

Weeden 1

Weeden 2

Weeden 3

Oh my God, that’s BRANDON WEEDEN’s theme music! Cue the hilarious montage of Brandon Weeden moments. With Tony Romo and Dez Bryant out for lengthy stints, the Cowboys place all the pressure on the shoulders of Brandon Weeden and notorious shoplifter Joseph Randle. Staked with a 2-0 start of the season, Dallas will probably be fine. But in the meanwhile, we get to enjoy Brandon Weeden doing Brandon Weeden things. Atlanta might be getting overhyped now after a fluky win over the Giants last week—combined with their opening domination of Philadelphia, which could’ve been because the Eagles suck. Matt Ryan better take care of business on the road and beat Brandon Weeden.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Colts @ Titans

Ryan Grigson looks like a used car salesman. At the least, he looks like a sleazy insurance salesman. Whatever he’s selling, I’m not buying. Adding Frank Gore and Andre Johnson has aged Indianapolis’ offense 10 years. The offensive line is and has always been utter shit. After Boom Herron provided some moxie last year, the Colts now have zero depth behind Frank Gore—who I love, but it’s a miracle his career actually happened considering how blown up both of his knees were in college. They are so desperate that re-signing Ahmad Bradshaw is an option. And he would be an improvement. Until his leg snaps again. Andrew Luck deserves better. His development has been stunted since Bruce Arians left. Pep Hamilton is just awful. Somehow, the Colts have two above average tight ends that never get used, and it’s not like they’re busy railroading in the run game. But still, Indianapolis is playing Tennessee. If the 0-2 start extends to 0-3, then there will be a mutiny. Jim Irsay might have a few belts with some magic pills and fire both Grigson and Pagano before flying back home. In that case, Jim Irsay becomes King as GM/Coach of the Colts. Daddy would be so proud! Please free Andrew Luck from this tyranny.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Steelers @ Rams

St. Louis shit the bed on the road against Washington. If the Rams buck up at home and beat the Steelers, then I give up. Although my hatred for bandwagon Steelers fans is steadfast, I do love that Mike Tomlin has decided to forgo standard NFL conservatism in favor of exploiting the advantage of going for 2 points instead of a 1-point field goal. I would hope the same of Jeff Fisher, but that mustache screams conservative and his growing belly screams for more food.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Chargers @ Vikings

A bland matchup between two equally boring teams. Both are okay. I don’t give a shit about this game. So let’s just say the AFC is better than the NFC and call that the reason San Diego wins.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Jaguars @ Patriots

This seems like the game where LeGarrette Blount lumbers to 4 TDs. Fuck Tom Brady.

Win: New England Patriots

Eagles @ Jets

Do you smell that? The tire fire in Philadelphia has such thick, black smoke pluming that the shitcloud is moving over New Jersey this weekend. I sincerely hope that the Eagles continue to suck. It’s just so entertaining to see Chip Kelly fail miserably. He’s an angry little Cabbage Patch doll with an undeserved sense of arrogance. Unfortunately, things have to balance out eventually. Right? If the Jets defense continues to swarm and overwhelm Sam Bradford, then that sound you hear in Philadelphia is every sports talk radio host orgasming at the same time. But I don’t trust Ryan Fitzpatrick with anything important, and New York could be operating with a wounded running attack.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Saints @ Panthers

Remember what I said about having Josh McCown as your starting QB is a sign to get ready for the coming football apocalypse? Well the football hellscape has already swept through Louisiana. Drew Brees’ shoulder was held together by staples, voodoo, and the souls of young children. Last week, a fatal blow befell Brees. Now the star of Verizon’s current commercial campaign, Luke McCown, is your starting QB of the New Orleans Saints! Shine, you little star! The apocalypse has begun in the bayou. Carolina should be so embarrassed that they cease to exist if they lose to the little McCown reject.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Bengals @ Ravens

Baltimore blows off their own foot last week against Oakland. It doesn’t make much sense to expect a better showing against the Bengals, but I’m betting against Andy Dalton nearly every time. Even without Suggs, the Ravens should be able to scheme themselves into a win by pressuring Dalton.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Buccaneers @ Texans

Enjoy your shit sandwich, local NFL fans in Tampa Bay and Houston! This artisan turd will leave a horrific taste in your mouth. By my NFL Chaos Theory, the Texans will win this home game and the Colts will take care of the Titans on the road to give us a 4-team tie in the AFC South. Parity!

Win: Houston Texans

49ers @ Cardinals

Will there reach a point when Cardinals fans stop cringing at every shot Carson Palmer takes below the belt? Even if Palmer makes it off the field against San Francisco in one piece, there’s always the chance some 49ers fans will attack him in the parking lot. Never discount that possibility.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Bills @ Dolphins

Who could have imagined Ndamukong Suh would be so terrible after having trucks of money pull into his driveway? Did we learn nothing from the Albert Haynesworth debacle? Suh has no incentive to be any good. He’ll continue to swim in money in South Beach. Miami is the worst. I never gave any thought to the Dolphins imploding against Jacksonville. I mean, it’s the Jaguars. But the choke job is proof they aren’t a serious contender with Joe Philbin coaching. Buffalo is still the same mediocre offense and incredible defense. I hope the Bills enjoy being the new Jets. Who cares who wins this?

Win: Buffalo Bills

Bears @ Seahawks

Congratulations, Chicago. You managed to gather together the most unlikable quarterback duo possible with Jay Cutler and Jimmy Clausen. That overwhelming wave of depression hitting the Windy City is what I like to call the Clausen Effect. Seattle gets to use Jimmy Clausen as the sacrificial lamb in their slaughtering ritual that starts them on the right path back to becoming a Super Bowl contender.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Broncos @ Lions

In Peyton I Trust. Sure, he needs a couple people to undress him after games. That’s what all that sweet Papa John’s money is for—he can afford to be bathed like Eddie Murphy in Coming to America. I don’t trust Gary Kubiak with anything, much less the end of Peyton Manning’s career. The one positive out of the Kubiak hiring is that ex-mall Santa Wade Phillips is coaching up that Denver defense. I don’t know what he’s doing, but that jolly fat man sure is fun to watch on the sidelines. Hopefully, this is the week that C.J. Anderson gets healthy and helps restore balance to the force. If not, then we’ll be in store for another 50+ shotgun passes from Peyton while the defense is tasked with winning the game.

Win: Denver Broncos

Chiefs @ Packers

Aaron Rodgers is an absolute joy to watch. Those starry blue eyes. That cannon firing off at odd angles. Blessed with the ability to turn water into wine, the Packers trot out scabs and scrubs that are somehow playmakers like James Jones’ corpse. Kansas City turtled against Denver and choked away last week’s game. The Chiefs specialize in close games, but Aaron Rodgers will find some way to will Green Bay to victory. If Eddie Lacy misses the game, then expect James Starks to inexplicably run for 100 yards.

Win: Green Bay Packers

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