Overall: 32-16
Last Week: 14-2

Ravens @ Steelers

Pittsburgh went from having a QB that is a rapist to one that is a dog murderer. Somehow, the shitty Steelers bandwagon fans are still the worst part of this franchise. Total idiots waving their Terrible Towels while foaming from the mouth. Even if Michael Vick manages to turn back the clock, I let go of those dirty deeds and I’d much rather actively root against the Steelers. As much as I dislike the Ravens, Baltimore can’t fall to 0-4 and drop out of the playoff race this early—they’re always annoying late into the season.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Jets @ Dolphins

London Alert! It’s nice that news has leaked of Miami possibly leaving Joe Philbin in London if the Dolphins lose. Hopefully that means the Ndamu-Diddy Kong Suh continues to roll over and the entire defense allows Ryan Fitzpatrick to dink-and-dunk the Jets to a win. Under Todd Bowles, New York’s defense is much improved and Ryan Tannehill will find it difficult to complete passes against Darrell Revis, Antonio Cromartie, Buster Skrine, and company. Rest assured the Dolphins will be eager to get back to South Beach after this forced overseas “home” game. It’s a good thing these games are never worthwhile matchups. England must hate us for thrusting Jaguars and Dolphins football on them year after year.

Win: New York Jets

Texans @ Falcons

Atlanta is good. Houston is bad. The Falcons aren’t that good. The Texans aren’t that bad. This game will be closer than most will probably expect, but I wouldn’t trust Ryan Mallett on the road with any odds. I’ll continue to enjoy J.J. Watt trying to push this miserable Houston team with his hard work and commitment. Keep chopping those logs with your pure grit, you grating asshole. I can’t believe people like J.J. Watt—hard selling his dedication and everyman appeal has made him insufferable.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Giants @ Bills

Even without Sammy Watkins and LeSean McCoy, there’s not much reason to think Buffalo will blow this home game against the “in-state” rival Giants. Karlos Williams could dominate New York on the ground with dual-threat Tyrod Taylor continuing to extend plays and move the offense. The Giants defense is aggressively average and they desperately need to give Jason Pierre-Paul a half-thumbs up so someone can rush the passer. Somehow, I think Eli Manning will pull this road win out of his ass. New York is destined to go 8-8 and inexplicably beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl again. This is fate.

Win: New York Giants

Raiders @ Bears

Clausen

You might have heard that every single Bears offensive drive last week ended in a punt. A perfect 10-for-10 in ineffectiveness. Jimmy Clausen is historically horrendous. Chicago mercifully traded Jared Allen to a team where he can do his job. Matt Forte has become the face of the Chicago Bears since the retirement of Brian Urlacher so he’s damned to die on the Bears. The Raiders would be moronic if they don’t stuff the box to remove any running room for Forte and put all the responsibility on Clausen. Oakland has a chance to be decent this year and a connection is being developed between Derek Carr and Amari Cooper. With Chicago willingly trading away what defense talent remains, you can expect impressive performances from Derek Carr, Amari Cooper, and Latavius Murray. Let’s be honest, 10 points probably seals the win for Oakland—unless Chicago can score a defensive TD or two against the Raiders.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Chiefs @ Bengals

People can continue to make fun of Peyton Manning’s arm strength all they want. But it’s a miracle Manning is still playing after his neck surgeries. What is Alex Smith’s excuse? Kansas City cannot connect on downfield passes beyond 20 yards, and worse, they don’t even try. I have no idea how Jamaal Charles carries the Chiefs, but Kansas City’s ceiling has clearly been established. Pacman Jones will rip off someone’s head and jump a pass for a pick-6 against Alex Smith. Andy Dalton predictably doesn’t have my trust, but Cincinnati is strong enough to secure the lead and force Alex Smith to beat them.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Jaguars @ Colts

Did anyone remember Matt Hasselback was still in the NFL? Andrew Luck has struck fear in the hearts of Colts fans by possibly being doubtful/questionable/probable. Even if Luck slaps on his Abe Lincoln beard and goes to work, the offensive line cannot keep him upright. Matt Hasselback may certainly be a corpse at this stage in his career, but a respectable backup should be able to manage a win at home against the Jaguars. Jacksonville is doomed to suck forever—well, until they leave for London. Indianapolis has zero depth at running back, but the Colts need to rely on Frank Gore for most of this game and look for a few downfield shots with T.Y. Hilton (avoid Andrew Johnson at all costs) to escape with the victory.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Panthers @ Buccaneers

Jameis Winston’s ceiling is probably Cam Newton. And I feel like Cam Newton has been better than anyone could have reasonably expected. With no talent in the supporting cast, Cam Newton is tasked with carrying the entire team on his shoulders. Miraculously, Carolina has a chance in their shitty division because of Cam. Black Superman has literally done a full head-over-heels flip into the end zone while leading the Panthers to 3-0 and more of the same should happen in a rout of Tampa Bay.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Eagles @ Redskins

A mysterious foot injury to Colt McCoy has forced RG Knee into active backup duty in Washington. I’m sure he’ll only end up playing over the dead bodies of Kirk Cousins and Jay Gruden. Don’t put it past Dan Snyder to kill both of them with his bare hands. Kirk Cousins is so terrible that Griffin could seriously see the field. Kirk Cousins aspires to be Alex Smith. I doubt Chip Kelly has learned anything and the offense is still likely in disarray. But not even Washington fans want to show up at home so maybe the team follows suit. While Matt Jones has injected life into the Redskins, Philadelphia has more talent.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Browns @ Chargers

A lot of unwatchable games on the NFL slate, but this is the winner. Cleveland predictably regressed to boring the minute Josh McCown was re-inserted as starting QB. The Browns should be finding out if John Football can succeed as a starter instead of dicking around in the guise of coddling him. Take the reins of Li’l Romo and allow some excitement in Cleveland for once. If you’re going to suck, be interesting. Look at San Diego: the Chargers legitimately suck this year, but I stupidly keep picking them to win because Philip Rivers used to be good. San Diego can’t field a healthy offensive line and the team isn’t above-average in any aspect. I shouldn’t expect them to win, but Josh McCown is going on the road and that’s reason enough for me. Watch Rivers proceed to get carted off in the 1st Quarter. Actually, that wouldn’t be so bad if his jaw is wired shut and Philip Rivers finally has to shut his fucking mouth.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Vikings @ Broncos

While I’m clearly biased, the Vikings/Broncos matchup is the best game of the week. Despite being at home, Denver will face an imposing challenge against the Minnesota defense. With the Vikings bottling up the run in the last two weeks, C.J. Anderson is going to continue to struggle like he’s running in quick sand. Why would defenses not drop back and look to pick off Peyton’s wounded ducks? But Manning is making things work and the Broncos are working through their difficulties while being undefeated. Teddy Bridgewater isn’t a substantial threat throwing the ball, but Adrian Peterson could make life difficult for Denver. Like with Alex Smith, what is Teddy Bridgewater’s excuse for weak arm strength?

Win: Denver Broncos

Rams @ Cardinals

Arizona has been unreasonably unstoppable on offense and defense. With the Rams being served on a platter, expect the Cardinals to continue feasting at home. I live in Arizona and it’s clear that the fair weather fans are out in full force with the Cardinals actually being good under Bruce Arians. But it’s ridiculous to refer to University of Phoenix Stadium as The Red Sea. Let’s not try to self-impose that stupid nickname. Jeff Fisher will have the Rams ready to compete in a tough road game against a division rival. However, Todd Gurley isn’t at 100% strength and Nick Foles is working with a mediocre receiving corps. Arizona is always one Carson Palmer injury away from complete collapse.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Packers @ 49ers

Time for the annual reminder for 49ers fans that California native Aaron Rodgers could have been their starting QB instead of Alex Smith. Perhaps Rodgers would have failed as well with Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary as head coach. With Colin Kaepernick lofting interceptions, San Francisco doesn’t have a prayer against Green Bay with Rodgers putting on a weekly QB clinic. The 49ers have been embarrassed back-to-back weeks against the Steelers and Cardinals—Ben Rapistberger and Carson Palmer aren’t even in the same category as Aaron Rodgers. It is going to be a long year of Jim Tomsula press conferences.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Cowboys @ Saints

Ahmed 1
Ahmed 2
Ahmed 3

Anyone remember Ahmed Johnson of wrestling fame in the WWF Attitude Era? Turns out that Ahmed Johnson (real name of Anthony Norris) was a middle linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys in 1990 and 1991. In the spirit of the brick shithouse, I am going to name the Brandon Weeden era as the Pearl River Plunge—because watching Brandon Weeden as an NFL QB is like being powerbombed by a big scary black guy. Luke McCown didn’t embarrass himself last week, but New Orleans only has a chance as long as Drew Brees is healthy. Former Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan is frothing and foaming for the opportunity to ruin Dallas, but that’s a double-edge sword because the Saints aren’t talented enough to cover anyone. Watch, Cole Beasley will have a monster game for some reason. But Brandon Weeden is susceptible of folding under pressure and being destroyed like the Spanish announcing table.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Lions @ Seahawks

Have we come to the realization that Matt Stafford may not be very good? Sure, he could be dealing with injuries at not at full capacity, but he’s underachieved for years. Calvin Johnson is still dominant at times, but his prime (the absolute pinnacle of his career) was wasted. Jim Caldwell will remain resolute and unblinking in the face of pressure, but that’s just because he’s a black mannequin. Seattle started to get healthy last week against Chicago and the Seahawks want to continue that dominance against Detroit. The Lions will put up a better fight than the Bears, but Detroit is in for a long failure of a season.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

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