Overall: 44-19
Last Week: 12-3

Colts @ Texans

The AFC South is so terrible that the Colts would legitimately stand a chance to win the division even if Matt Hasselback was their starting QB for the entire season. Indianapolis could literally run on every possession and probably win if they just let Ryan Mallett do Ryan Mallett things. J.J. Watt deserves to rot on this Texans team and I hope Houston continues to let Mallett fuck around like this is still college.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Redskins @ Falcons

Kirk Cousins is like a younger Josh McCown—a limited QB who has to “manage the game” because putting too much pressure on his shoulders leads to disastrous decisions and terrible turnovers. Conversely, Matt Ryan will put on a clinic against a beleaguered Washington secondary. Because neither team is as good or bad as they have seemed, this could be close in the first half before Atlanta starts to break away.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Seahawks @ Bengals

Both QBs are insufferable pricks. If Russell Wilson and Andy Dalton could combine for 6 interceptions, I would gleefully enjoy watching those awful performances—much more than seeing them both efficiently move an offense. A little nugget I heard on sports talk radio this week about the Red Rocket, Andy Dalton: Hue Jackson claimed that the turning point for Dalton came when he was booed at the MLB All-Star Celebrity Softball Game and he hit a homerun in response. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. That’s almost as good as Ryan Tannehill whining like a douche about being intercepted by the practice squad.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Rams @ Packers

St. Louis is steady at home and in divisional games. Neither of those are the case with this game. On the road against Green Bay, the Rams will need an exceptional effort from Todd Gurley again. Last week, the Cardinals could not stop St. Louis on the ground. The Packers shouldn’t have such a problem in this matchup as Nick Foles should be forced to make throws under pressure to win the game.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Bills @ Titans

Stop the Tyrod Taylor hype train. Buffalo’s savior isn’t anything special. Taylor is decent but limited. If the Bills aren’t running the football, Tyrod isn’t going to be able to carry the team by himself. Even against an unspectacular Titans defense, Taylor is going to struggle again with Buffalo’s top running backs both on the shelves. There’s a good chance that Rex Ryan rallies the troops and the Bills snap Marcus Mariota like a twig. But the zombie Colts can’t possibly just sleepwalk their way to the AFC South title unopposed, can they? The best possible challenge has to be Tennessee, even if by default. Not exactly the most sound logic, but this is always throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks.

Win: Tennessee Titans

Bears @ Chiefs

You pulled one over on me, John Fox. You goddamn son of a bitch. Apparently, Jimmy Clausen’s 10-for-10 punt performance was enough for the Bears to throw Cutler back out there at 75% health. Chicago outlasted Oakland last week, but the Bears won’t find much success against a desperate Kansas City team. The Chiefs should run Jamaal Charles all over Chicago’s defense while Justin Houston and company pound Cutler into the ground—exposing an already shaky and injured offensive line.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Saints @ Eagles

Chip Kelly

The implosion of Philadelphia has just been delightful. It couldn’t have happened to a better city. New Orleans is probably the logical choice to win this road matchup against a reeling Eagles team. But this is a world where I can have nothing nice and the NFL makes no sense. Somehow, the Eagles will manage to win this game even with DeMarco Murray running for a yard per carry. If Drew Brees’ shoulder holds up and the Saints escape with a victory, you’ll be able to hear the collective gasp from Eagles fans and see a large shitstorm forming over Philadelphia. Of course, it will be accompanied by the townsfolk grabbing their pitchforks and torches to chase after Chip Kelly—a descendant of the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Jaguars @ Buccaneers

Can we fast-forward 5 years and find out whether Blake Bortles or Jameis Winston are actually good?

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Browns @ Ravens

Cleveland continues their no fun campaign to the detriment of the team. Give John Football the ball! This boring division matchup would be livened up a little more if we were actually seeing whether or not Johnny Manziel has the ability to be a starter. Everyone knows Josh McCown’s limitations. Even with Steve Smith out and no other receiver capable of creating separation, Baltimore is desperate enough and the right amount of remaining talent to take care of the Browns at home.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Cardinals @ Lions

Matthew Stafford is a living bobblehead doll. After self-destructing against St. Louis last week, Arizona will aim to dislodge Stafford’s massive head from his shoulders. Detroit deserved that win over Seattle, but it doesn’t change the fact that the Lions are still winless. When it comes to choosing between whether Bruce Arians or Jim Caldwell will have their team sharp and ready, I’m going to take the Black Mannequin every time…just kidding. Jim Caldwell may be unblinking, but that doesn’t mean he’s cool, calm, and collected under pressure. Jim Caldwell does not instill faith in his fellow man.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Patriots @ Cowboys

Did I mention fuck Tom Brady? Dallas doesn’t stand a chance with Brandon Weeden.

Win: New England Patriots

Broncos @ Raiders

At some point, Peyton is going to slip up and he won’t be able to make enough throws to win the game. However, that hasn’t happened yet. Despite everyone critiquing Manning’s arm strength and every single throw, Peyton has completed the necessary passes to put the team in a position to win. The defense has cemented the game, and it’s a fucking shame that Peyton never had such a defense in his prime. Denver desperately needs to C.J. Anderson to be an effective bell cow with Ronnie Hillman sprinkled in to change the pace and swing for homeruns. The Broncos will lose games here and there, and Oakland could conceivably give them their first ding today. Watch out for Latavius Murray catching passes.

Win: Denver Broncos

49ers @ Giants

When San Francisco went into the season with Blaine Gabbert as their backup, the 49ers were basically saying that Colin Kaepernick would be their starting QB as long as he’s healthy. With the way Kaepernick has been self-destructing, Jim Tomsula may want to crawl back under his bridge. What would Kaepernick have to do to get benched? On the other side, the Giants have surprisingly lucked into a great position with every division rival being utter dogshit. New York is hindered by their inability to run the ball, but Eli should make enough throws against the San Francisco’s shitty pass defense.

Win: New York Giants

Steelers @ Chargers

Well, we know Pittsburgh has a championship-caliber offense. No version of the vaunted Steel Curtain exists today, and Michael Vick is far past his prime—even that Vick wasn’t worthy of a Super Bowl. So when does Big Ben and his big chins get back? San Diego is not a special team by any measure, but they’re bad enough to lose to shitty teams while being competent enough to beat good competition in close games. I don’t know what Philip Rivers will show up today, but it has to better than a bootleg Michael Vick.

Win: San Diego Chargers

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