Overall: 52-25
Last Week: 8-6

Falcons @ Saints

There’s a common theme this week: some teams aren’t as good as they seem. Entering Week 6, there are a handful of teams who are due for a reversal in luck and record. Atlanta against New Orleans is one such scenario. As long as Drew Brees’ stapled shoulder holds together with some extra duct tape, the Saints should be in contention for the NFC South. The Saints are very flawed, but they have the ability to beat anyone. Atlanta struggled to overcome the Redskins last week. The Falcons simply aren’t this good. Adding Julio Jones’ injury concerns makes Atlanta ripe for an upset. However, the Falcons benefit from a fluffy schedule—facing the Titans, Buccaneers, and 49ers in the coming weeks before coasting into their bye—so expect to see Atlanta remain at the top of the division for a while.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Bengals @ Bills

Andy Dalton is not this good. I still don’t believe he’s actually good. Buffalo hasn’t been healthy at any point this year, but Orchard Park is not a fun place to play for opposing teams. Let’s see The Red Rocket put the Bengals on his back in this road matchup. The Bills struggle to score points even with their full arsenal, but it looks like E.J. Manuel is going to try to impersonate a quarterback and maybe LeSean McCoy can limp around for some yards. I don’t expect the Bills to win the game so much as I hope the Bengals (and Dalton) blow the game. If one thing is for sure, it’s that Andy Dalton blows.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Broncos @ Browns

Peyton Manning is getting in the Halloween spirit early this year by impersonating Frankenstein. It is difficult to watch Peyton playing right now, but it’s not because of his injuries. Manning’s ineffectiveness is partly his responsibility, but the Broncos have a terrible offensive line and their running backs have not been able to break tackles when the defense is already in the backfield. Denver is missing one of the best LT with Ryan Clady’s injury and their rookie LT Ty Sambrailo is now injured as well. Last-minute FA pick-up Evan Mathis is hurt and this patchwork piece of shit line is incapable of protecting and blocking. Even this prime scoring opportunity against Cleveland will be a difficult slog for the Denver offense. Fortunately, the Broncos defense has been the perfect safety net. Peyton needs to pull the team together to develop some cohesion if the Broncos are going to do anything in the playoffs. He remains their best chance to win, but it is such a damn shame he never had this defense in his prime.

Win: Denver Broncos

Bears @ Lions

Pink Jim Caldwell

Detroit sucks. The Lions also suck. All things Detroit suck. But can the Lions be this bad? After being robbed of a victory against Seattle, the Lions collapsed just like the city of Detroit. On the other side, Jay Cutler has brought some life back to Chicago, but these Bears aren’t coming back from the brink. Matt Forte could easily carry Chicago to a road victory by himself, but something tells me that the Lions find a way to finally win. The Black Mannequin is a figure of unwavering courage in the face of defeat.

Win: Detroit Lions

Dolphins @ Titans

Another painfully boring, uninteresting matchup. Muscle-bound meathead Dan Campbell wasn’t any good when he was playing and now he’s thrust into captaining the Titanic on its way down. The Titans should be able to take advantage of the reeling Dolphins who already want the season to end so they can go back to their regular jobs of enjoying South Beach. No one on that team gives a shit.

Win: Tennessee Titans

Chiefs @ Vikings

“Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car.” Kansas City has been successful because they rode that car until the wheels fell off. For the second time in the past few years, Jamaal Charles snapped his ACL. Good luck, Chiefs. Kansas City now has some guy named Charmander West running the ball. Of course, Charmander isn’t his name, but it’s just as ridiculous as his real name—Charcandrick. Naturally, I have Charcandrick West on my fantasy team now for the name alone. Minnesota is competent enough to hang around as an 8-8 team with the potential to win a few more—possibly entering the playoff picture. Alex Smith is incapable of carrying a Chiefs team without Jamaal Charles.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Redskins @ Jets

Defeat is always lurking with one Kirk Cousins interception looming in the distance. The pressure from the Jets pass rush will force Cousins into mistakes. Ryan Fitzpatrick is Kirk Cousins’ ceiling, but he’s not even there yet. He needs to go through about 5-6 more teams before he enters his journeyman prime. New York has a nice foundation, but my faith in the Jets is more of a result of Washington’s ineptitude.

Win: New York Jets

Cardinals @ Steelers

Pittsburgh snatched victory from the jaws of defeat last week against San Diego. Michael Vick made maybe one great throw on the deep TD pass while the team lived and died with Le’Veon Bell. The Steelers almost lost on the last minute play when Bell’s momentum stopped, but Le’Veon leaped over a defender at his legs to get the extra push into the end zone. Until Rapistberger re-enters (willingly, this time), the Steelers best chance remains running with Le’Veon Bell. Arizona doesn’t need to push the envelope in order to win the game—just contain Le’Veon Bell and let Vick give the game to the Cardinals.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Texans @ Jaguars

Brian Hoyer vs. Blake Bortles! How do these teams have fans?

Win: Houston Texans

Panthers @ Seahawks

Cam Newton is a special talent. But Carolina isn’t this good. Seattle collapsed last week against Cincinnati, but the Seahawks have a track record of success against the Panthers. The defense doesn’t lock anyone down anymore with Cary Williams in the secondary and the offensive line can’t protect Russell Wilson to save his life. Jimmy Graham is and always was a horrible fit for this team because they never take advantage down the seam. Seattle seemed more dangerous with Luke Willson (not that Luke Wilson) running those routes and hitting a few homeruns on occasion because the defense didn’t expect it. The Seahawks have no idea what they’re doing on offense, but they’ll scratch out enough to win.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Chargers @ Packers

Aaron Rodgers is not losing to Philip Rivers at Lambeau. End of analysis.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Ravens @ 49ers

As much as San Francisco sucks, every 49ers game is watchable because of the many faces of Jim Tomsula. I never want this man to leave the sidelines. However, he’ll need to start winning games at some point or someone’s head is going on the chopping block. Is Jim Tomsula scared? Fuck no. Jim Tomsula doesn’t coach scared. But Colin Kaepernick plays scared. Unfortunately, Blaine Gabbert (yeah, that guy is still in the league somehow) is the 49ers backup. Please get Jim Tomsula a QB who doesn’t piss his pants in the face of pressure. Jim Tomsula only reserves that tactic when it’s really cold and you need to get warm real quick. The 49ers could probably pick up a better QB off the street. Literally, off the streets. Jim Tomsula really appreciates that type of courage in a man. Luckily, the 49ers have a punching chance with Steve Smith still sidelined and Baltimore trying to work with a makeshift offense. The Ravens should win unless Joe Flacco gets locked into Jim Tomsula’s steely gaze long enough for the 49ers to BLUDGEON!

Bludgeon

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Patriots @ Colts

Fuck Tom Brady. Andrew Luck might return for this game, but he’s not 100% and the Colts can’t compete with the Patriots when healthy. This game will get ugly even if Brady doesn’t throw the ball. Indianapolis cannot stop New England from running the ball down their throats and their secondary is burnable on every deep pass. Someone please step up and stop these insufferable Patriots.

Win: New England Patriots

Giants @ Eagles

Watch out, the Giants could threaten to take control of this division. But we can’t have that because that would fuck up this team’s 8-8 destiny and ultimate fate of knocking off the previously undefeated Patriots. Philadelphia is starting to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Not so secretly, I hope it fails. This is one of those classic boring matchups that might seem better in retrospect because of how close it is when in reality it is simply the fact that both teams are viciously mediocre in all aspects. Go football!

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

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