Overall: 61-30
Last Week: 9-5

Seahawks @ 49ers

I would much rather watch Jim Tomsula regale me with stories of his vagabond days than watch the 49ers play the Seahawks. Don’t you want to know what it’s like to live under a bridge like a human troll? I guarantee Jim Tomsula’s post-game press conference will be more entertaining than this game. Colin Kaepernick may have a good season or two left in his career, but it’s not happening this year with this team. The question is out on whether Seattle is still great, and it will continue to go answered regardless of how this game unfolds. My money is on the Seahawks squeaking into the playoffs, but the defense isn’t as good and the offense has shown no signs of being able to carry the team.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Bills @ Jaguars

The Jaguars will get a boost from the home crowd…in London. Why the NFL keeps punishing fans of American football in England is beyond my comprehension. With Tyrod Taylor injured and out, the Bills will turn to E.J. Manuel against Blake Bortles. At least they’ll be some excitement with punters booming kicks in a boring battle of field position. Although Buffalo has the better defense, I assume the Jaguars will be able to move the ball better with their healthy full complement of players. I don’t care if this game is streaming for free on Yahoo! I’d rather ignore it or watch it illegally than give the NFL the satisfaction.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Vikings @ Lions

The NFL has officially lost its mind in terms of defining a catch. The league already has issues with the touchdown standards of catching vs. running in the end zone. Last week’s terrible Golden Tate call exemplifies the officiating problems. At least the call went Detroit’s way this time. Let’s hope it doesn’t cost a team in the playoffs again. The Lions needed help and a minor miracle to beat the befuddled Bears, but the sledding gets rougher and tougher against another division opponent with the Vikings. Teddy Bridgewater’s supporters have quieted as people have finally realized that a few games at the end of the year last season doesn’t indicate he’ll be any good this year. Maybe the same thing will happen again this year. But Minnesota doesn’t need Bridgewater to win the game by himself this week. As long as Teddy is steady and completes a handful of throws, the Vikings should be able to run the ball down the throat of the Lions and spank them into submission by taking a switch to their balls.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Falcons @ Titans

When I think the Titans will zig, Tenessee zags. I hate them. So much. I’ve given the Titans too much credit all year and now Marcus Mariota is out with a knee injury. Oh my God, that’s Zach Mettenberger’s music! Is it too early for Ken Whisenhunt to get fired? Of course, this is all building to a monumental home defense by Tennessee to upset the upstart Falcons. I hope not. I don’t think Atlanta is great and their hype is slowly fading, but the Falcons have to pummel and punish the Titans if they’re any good.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Saints @ Colts

New Orleans is trying to pick themselves off the mat and enter the competition for the NFC South. Although the Saints might close the gap with Atlanta and Carolina, New Orleans is not sniffing the playoffs and someone is going to pay for it. Could this be the end of the Sean Payton era? I think the finger is eventually pointed at Rob Ryan and he’ll point a big middle finger back after being cast out as the scapegoat. In terms of talent, these teams are equally matched. But the biggest difference between the Saints and Colts is that Indianapolis has a young QB on the rise while Drew Brees is desperately trying to cling to relevance in the NFL. When it goes, it goes quickly. We probably only have one more season left of Breezy and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him follow if Sean Payton decides to leave the Saints this offseason.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Steelers @ Chiefs

Who could have possibly guessed Charmander West wouldn’t have been any good in place of the injury Jamaal Charles? Charcandrick can’t carry this offense, which is bad news considering Alex Smith has never proven capable of that task in his life. Pittsburgh rose from the ashes last week to the dismay of the Arizona Cardinals. As soon as Michael Vick came out of the game, the Steelers started pouncing on the opposition. Landry Jones probably isn’t very good, but slightly below replacement level is still more valuable than Vick at this stage in his career. Kansas City will put up a fight at home and the Chiefs may be able to steal this game before Pittsburgh gets completely healthy with the return of Rapistberger. But I’ll side with Le’Veon Bell and the Steelers’ supporting cast over Alex Smith and no wonders.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Browns @ Rams

There are so many miserable things I’d rather do than watch this game. Josh McCown vs. Nick Foles is a matchup of mediocre white QBs that will scar young children for life out of sheer boredom. Cleveland against St. Louis is a prime example of how mind-numbingly dull and dreary everyday life is in the Midwest. No wonder Johnny Manziel is drinking himself to death. How else can he feel feelings? I guess I’ll go with the Rams in this game because they’re desperate enough to do anything to get out of St. Louis.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Texans @ Dolphins

I will happily admit I was wrong about the Dolphins. For some reason, Miami decided it did give a fuck last week. I don’t know why, but I hope it was because interim head coach Dan Campbell grabbed their balls and threatened to squeeze them in his vise grip. I’d certainly be afraid of Dan Campbell inflicting blunt force trauma to my testicles. It’s more fun for me to envision Saw-esque movie scenarios in which Dan Campbell maims his players into being motivated than it would be to watch an actual Dolphins game. This is a matchup that no one cares about on the national level. Don’t bother me with any Texans/Dolphins updates during the game that I’ll actually be watching. Unless a massive brawl breaks out between the two teams. I might be interested in watching the highlights in that case just to see how much damage Vince Wilfork can manage bouncing people off his belly. Wilfork would take out all 11 starters for Miami.

Vince Wilfork

Win: Miami Dolphins

Jets @ Patriots

Did I mention fuck Tom Brady yet? For the millionth time, everyone outside of New England hates the Patriots. Everyone should hate Tom Brady, but he skeazes his way because “he’s a winner”. Let us not forget that last year’s Super Bowl title was solely the result of Seattle’s fuck-up. The Patriots winning had zero to do with Brady and everything to do with the Seahawks choking themselves with both hands. Brady was on the sidelines when the game was decided—he does not get credit for a fluke. With every week that passes, my hatred for this team grows stronger. The dark side of the Force is strong in this one. If only I could Force Choke Tom Brady and crush Rob Gronkowski’s glass back with a swift kick to his dumb ass.

Win: New England Patriots

Buccaneers @ Redskins

This Sunday, it’s Jameis Winston vs. Kirk Cousins! Are we sure this isn’t Thursday Night Football? This game will probably be so sloppy that Jameis Winston will try to fuck it…up somehow with errant passes or completely ignoring one of his prime receivers in order to keep total eye contact with the other receiver at all times. I don’t know who could have imagined Jameis Winston would telegraph passes and prove to be a horrible decision-maker. It would have taken a sizeable body of work at the amateur level to envision such a scenario. Perhaps his entire college career might be worth a gander. Washington is desperately trying to prop up Kirk Cousins, but at least they didn’t take him near the top of the draft. Oh wait, that’s RG Knee—who is still floundering at the end of the Redskins bench hoping Jay Gruden gets fired. I wouldn’t be surprised if RG Knee has consulted with Dan Snyder to stage a not-so-secret coup.

Win: Washington Redskins

Raiders @ Chargers

Don’t look now, but the Raiders are building an actual foundation. Unfortunately, it’s still in Oakland. The Raiders aren’t that far off—especially on offense with a core consisted of Derek Carr, Amari Cooper, and Latavius Murray. At this point, I’d probably take Derek Carr over sidewinder Philip Rivers. But San Diego’s supporting cast is still far more impressive than Oakland on both offense and defense. Antonio Gates is either crashing after coming off a steroids binge or he actually has a knee injury. Clearly, Gates has injected life into the Chargers and it would hurt to have him ineffective for a stretch since he’s obviously still valued as Rivers’ treasured safety blankie. The jury is out on whether Mel G III is going to be a good running back, but Danny Woodhead (“Those are some great names!” – Jack Horner) has found a home fulfilling the Darren Sproles role in San Diego. Those little fucks are the best at slipping out on screen passes.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Cowboys @ Giants

You know what I said last week about Giants/Eagle game being a boring, sloppy matchup that will fool people into thinking it’s good just because the score is kind of close? That’s pretty much the description for every NFC East matchup this year. Thankfully, the Cowboys removed themselves from the Pearl River Plunge (also known as the Brandon Weeden Experience). Matt Cassell won’t prove to be considerably better, but anything is an improvement on Brandon Weeden. Go back to baseball, Ginger! Eli might manage to avoid royally fucking up long enough for the Giants not to shoot themselves in the foot—especially now that Plaxico Burress is not on the team. Also, remember that you can tell the changing of the seasons by the shade of red Tom Coughlin’s face turns on the sidelines. I know we’re not quite to December yet because I can’t see the dark night at Lambeau deep shade of red on Old Man Coughlin.

Win: New York Giants

Eagles @ Panthers

Black Superman

Not quite sure whether to buy Carolina as a real contender deep in the playoffs. How can anyone like a team that employs a literal dinosaur to catch passes in Jerricho Cotchery? Cotchery is a crotchety old man at this point, and he was never any good anyways. The receiving corps for the Panthers is pathetic. Tedd Ginn is counted on as a valued cast member. Tedd Ginn! The only difference-maker this team has is Cam Newton, and it’s a damn shame this is the supporting cast the franchise has surrounding an all-world talent. I don’t think the Panthers are as good as their record would seem to indicate, and the parity the NFL pushes favors Philadelphia eventually being good and figuring out a way to win with their offensive aptitude. But I’ll side with Black Superman once again carrying the Panthers to success.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Ravens @ Cardinals

Wow, that Ravens team went to shit quick. It happened nearly as fast as fellow Super Bowl competitor San Francisco. Joe Flacco is still the same old boring Joe Flacco who loves bland food. The killer for Baltimore was losing Terrell Suggs on defense. Without a pass rush, the Ravens are being exposed as a fraudulent defense and there is little to no offensive talent aside from that angry Ewok, Steve Smith. The Ravens need an influx of playmakers next season to remain relevant in the AFC because Joe Flacco is not going to get the job done by himself. If receivers cannot separate downfield, then you are taking Flacco’s best tool—the deep ball—out of his arsenal. Maybe firing Marc Trestman as offensive coordinator couldn’t hurt. If the Cardinals want to prove last week’s Landry Jones debacle was a fluke, then Arizona needs to take care of this crumbling Baltimore team on Monday Night Football. You must protect this house!

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s