Overall: 72-33
Last Week: 11-3

Dolphins @ Patriots

Fuck Tom Brady. If the Dolphins are going to lose, why not lose dirty and injure Brady? I beg you.

Win: New England Patriots

Lions @ Chiefs

London Alert! Haven’t we already reached our quota for foreign games this year? The Lions have fired practically all of their offensive staff, but do you think Jim Caldwell has blinked? Never, the man is an unwavering, unblinking human mannequin. Detroit has failed Matthew Stafford by letting him remain an entitled Jay Cutler clone with a Jay Leno chin. At least the Lions won’t go winless this year, but it’s hard to imagine Jim Caldwell standing still on the Detroit sidelines next season. The good news for Detroit fans is that they’ll have to force themselves to experience the misery this week by waking up super early to watch these teams flounder against one another in an atrocious, sloppy game that does nothing to sell football to foreign fans. Fire the Black Mannequin already and bring on the Jim Bob Cooter era!

Jim Bob Cooter

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Buccaneers @ Falcons

Tampa Bay blew a massive lead to the Washington Redskins last week. Atlanta might not be very good, but the Falcons have proven competent enough to take care of business at home against one of the league’s worst teams. Plenty of growing pains will still be coming for Crab Legs this year. Expect Jameis to keep the Buccaneers close before throwing a crippling interception on a mind-numbing decision.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Vikings @ Bears

Jay Ratliff just threatened to kill the entire Bears team and wished ill-will on people’s children. For fuck sakes, the man said he was the devil. No, that doesn’t sound like someone who has maybe taken part of too many collisions in football. Let’s just call him crazy and act like football had nothing to do with that. Crazy is Adrian Peterson renting a camel to ride on in his entrance to his birthday party. Or most recently, Adrian Peterson swallowing his chewing tobacco but claiming he was sick because of bad shrimp.

Yo Adrian, the ocean called…they’re running out of shrimp!

And the Jerk Store called…they’re running out of you!

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Cardinals @ Browns

Arizona needed to make an outstanding play on the final drive at home to defeat the reeling Ravens. The Cardinals are a solid team who will be competitive as long as Carson Palmer remains healthy, but this is a very beatable team at times. If Josh McCown was completely healthy, I might have been more willing to predict a Browns upset. However, there’s uncertainty whether we’ll see Li’l Romo in action at some point during this game. Johnny Manziel needs live reps to see if he’s capable of being an NFL starting QB, but the Browns have seemingly made up their minds already. Although you can never completely envision the insanity in Cleveland’s front office, there has to be a reason they don’t trust John Football and maybe there’s more to that recent drunk incident with his booty call. I think Arizona wants to knock out McCown and force Manziel into action. The Cardinals contained and suffocated an aging Michael Vick and the defense would do the same to Manziel. But watch out for McCown slinging the ball in the intermediate to take advantage of Arizona’s linebacker corps that’s somehow counting on Dwight Freeney.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

49ers @ Rams

No one in San Francisco knows what to do with Colin Kaepernick. That’s a bad omen. Sadly, Jim Tomsula might return to that bridge he came from, but this disaster season has hardly been the fault of Jim Tom. San Francisco needs a QB guru with a hard-nosed attitude who can get Kaepernick on the right path back to being a dynamic playmaker with no fear. If you lay out the hat, khakis, whistle, and color-coordinated Sharpie, he will come…and say fuck you to Trent Baalke while daring you to fight him to the death.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Giants @ Saints

Take one step forward, one step back. That’s been the mantra of the Giants. Destined to be crowned King of the NFC East as an 8-8, bask in the mediocrity of New York. In order to keep the old prophecy in-tact, the Giants will lose this week to the Saints—who have historically been a much better team at home in the dome, an inflatable party raft ready to break free for Mardi Gras. I think a much more interesting side story to this game is whether or not we’ll see Sean Payton coaching the Giants in the near future. With Brees breaking down and the rest of the team crumbling, Sean Payton would be wise to jump the sinking ship soon and the possible Dallas Cowboys opening slammed shut last season.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Bengals @ Steelers

I still don’t trust gingers. Rapists don’t have my faith either, but Rapistberger will return for the Steelers this week. No more Michael Vick or Landry Jones! Good news, NFL fans. Pittsburgh is watchable again. Cincinnati’s defense will have to win this game, but I don’t think the Bengals can remain so dominant against tougher competition. With a healthier offense, the Steelers pose quite a challenge if Pittsburgh’s defense can stay out of the way. I expect the Bengals to control most of the game on the ground, but the Steelers will pull out a miracle in front of their terrible, towel-waving home fans.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Chargers @ Ravens

Philip Rivers is a creation of Fantasy Football. At this stage in his career, Rivers will throw a crippling interception or two and then manage to bring the Chargers back into a close game with a boatload of garbage yards. Philip doesn’t dash dreams to the same degree as Smokin’ Jay Cutler, but the same ability of the dark side lingers with every haphazard, sidearm shovel pass. But San Diego fans adore Rivers because of his fiery passion, which borders more on stupid temper tantrum from a toddler than emotional leadership. I bet Rivers yells the same way at home to his 17 kids. He probably blames them when he tries to toss a yogurt cup to one kid and hits them in the head with it. You gotta break off your route and come back to the yogurt cup with soft hands, kid. Otherwise, daddy is going to belt you in the face with it every time. You’ll eat when you can catch your food. Better luck next time, Timmy.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Titans @ Texans

J.J. Watt’s Vengeance Game Against Zach Mettenberger! How dare he have the audacity to grow a mustache and take a selfie on Snapchat last year before being announced as the Titans starting QB.

This is what we’ve all been waiting for…

Win: Houston Texans

Jets @ Raiders

Will Geno Smith ever see the field again for the Jets? Not if New York’s front office and new coach Todd Bowles has any say, apparently. Ryan Fitzpatrick will continue his seesaw play as long as he can stay healthy. It doesn’t matter if Fitzpatrick is necessarily good because he knows Chan Gailey’s offense. In the NFL, familiarity is favored over potential. Even if you’re not very good, a team will stick with you if they know how ungood you are and at what moments. Fitzpatrick has made a living off of short passes and scrambling into good enough field position. With the Jets defense, his job is to not make too many bad decisions. That strategy doesn’t pay dividends against a cutthroat team like the New England Patriots, but a steady hand might be enough to edge out a road win against the Oakland Raiders.

Win: New York Jets

Seahawks @ Cowboys

Well, that really went to shit quickly. Dallas is doing anything and everything to finally win another game. The Cowboys finally glued Brandon Weeden to the bench, but Matt Cassell still has the Dallas faithful praying for the quick, safe return of Tony Romo. Fortunately, Romo is scheduled to return eventually and the NFC East is terrible enough that the Cowboys could conceivably be within striking distance when their savior rises from the dead. In the meanwhile, enjoy watching Matt Cassell get pummeled by the reinvigorated Seahawks pass rush. Seattle isn’t dead yet.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Packers @ Broncos

I love how analysts are making the bold statement that Peyton Manning won’t be able to win in the playoffs if the Broncos can’t beat the Packers in Denver coming off a bye week. Please enlighten us on why it should be so easy to defeat the most unstoppable, dynamic passer in the NFL. Green Bay is also coming off a bye too, you idiots. Peyton already passed the mantle of All-Time Greatest QB to Aaron Rodgers. You’ll see why in this game. As much as I love Peyton Manning, Denver’s all-world defense will prove incapable of containing Rodgers in the air and on the ground. Regardless of where Peyton’s arm strength is at right now, he won’t be able to make enough throws in this game to keep pace with Rodgers.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Colts @ Panthers

Indianapolis needs to fire the GM/coach combo of Ryan Grigson and Chuck Pagano. Unfortunately, the Colts are wasting Andrew Luck and stunting his development by strapping the crumbling franchise to his back. Imagine if the Colts had the brass balls to fire Chuck Pagano mid-chemotherapy and relinquish the team to Bruce Arians. I have no doubt Andrew Luck would continue his ascension to the top of the NFL QB hierarchy. At this point, Cam Newton is head and shoulders above Luck because he’s proven capable of carrying a crappy franchise. I’m pretty sure the Panthers are pulling fans out of the stadium during pre-game and adding them to the revolving door wide receiver corps. Things will continue to get ugly for Indianapolis, but I don’t think there’s another team in the AFC South capable of taking advantage of the situation. The Colts could actually take the division with 7 wins this year.

Win: Carolina Panthers

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