Overall: 81-38
Last Week: 9-5

Browns @ Bengals

Josh McCown is hurt so John Football is the starting QB for the Browns on the road against one of the toughest teams in the AFC. That’s not a recipe for success for Cleveland. Then again, Cleveland should be used to the bitter taste of defeat by now. I don’t like Johnny Manziel. I don’t think he’ll amount to anything more than Doug Flutie at the end of his career—not good enough to start but capable of keeping his team competitive if he’s forced into action mid-game. Doesn’t Cleveland need to start Manziel the rest of this year just to make sure he’s as limited as they seem to think? Josh McCown is best as a Dolph Lundgren impersonator at this point. Just give into your destiny of suckitude, Cleveland. Ohio is a shithole.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Dolphins @ Bills

Are we sure this game isn’t in London? I have no idea who is healthy on the Bills roster. I think Percy Harvin has turtle AIDS in his hip and I believe someone bit Sammy Watkins’s Achilles heel. All that matters is whether or not E.J. Manuel is playing. That guy is terrible in every language and in every country. I had to look it up, but apparently Tyrod Taylor will be back this week for Buffalo. Everyone was riding the testosterone-fueled Dolphins bandwagon (being pulled by Dan Campbell sprinting and clutching a rope in his teeth) up until New England tore Miami a new asshole. The Dolphins are the same Dolphins, but it does make a difference having a real human being coaching as opposed to the failed android incapable of emotion that was Joe Philbin. When the Dolphins fired Joe Philbin, they just flipped his off switch and stored him in the janitor’s closet for future use. That android is only good for mopping floors.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Rams @ Vikings

These two teams are evenly matched in every regard. Tiebreaker goes to the home team—even though the Rams may be slightly better, St. Louis is abysmal on the road. It’s Foles vs. Bridgewater time, folks!

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Redskins @ Patriots

Kirk Cousins was positively giddy after completing that comeback two weeks ago. Unfortunately, that upset came against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This week, Kirk Cousins gets the pleasure of being dissected and destroyed by Bill Belichick. The Patriots should be embarrassed if they lose a regular season game. There is no way that’s happening at home—even Hell freezing over wouldn’t help with Dan Snyder involved.

Win: New England Patriots

Titans @ Saints

Typically, there’s a shit sandwich or two every week. But this is a special week. The NFL decided to open a smorgasbord of shit for Week 9. It’s a relative poo poo platter for everyone regardless of region or time of day. Ken Whisenhunt already got fired less than 2 years into Tennessee’s awful decision to hire him in the first place. Still, nobody cares. Can some corrupt shit conspire to either get Mariota to the Eagles or Chip Kelly to the Titans? I don’t like Chip Kelly, but if we’re going to have him in the NFL, then I want to see his ridiculous scheme run by someone who has familiarity and talent—rather than the revolving door of mediocrity running rampant in Philadelphia. On the sideline opposite Tennessee, New Orleans is no longer an elite or even above-average tame. But the Saints are traveling back toward respectability and a loss to the new-fangled Titans would be Mularkey. The name’s Mularkey—Mike Mularkey.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Jaguars @ Jets

Let the feast of shit continue with Blake Bortles vs. Anyone But Geno Smith! The Jets are so determined to never let Geno Smith start again that they might seriously glue his pants to the bench. Ryan Fitzpatrick could lop off his thumb and New York would still have more faith in Mr. Harvard. Considering the instability at the QB position for the Jets, I feel almost compelled to take the Jaguars. Almost. While the Jaguars aren’t as Jaguars-y as before, I still don’t trust Jacksonville or Blake Bortles. If Ryan Fitzpatrick can’t throw the ball more than 10 yards, the Jets will just run the Wildcat the rest of the game.

Win: New York Jets

Raiders @ Steelers

The Raiders are much better than I or anyone else thought coming into the season. Has Jack Del Rio really turned this team around? Having watched Jack Del Rio and his leather jacket for several years, I find that hard to believe. But I think Derek Carr is that good—much better than his brother David could have ever dreamed of being at the NFL level. Le’Veon Bell is out this season after destroying his knee again last week, which should make Oakland the road favorite. As much as I would like to bury Pittsburgh, I don’t think this is the last we’ve heard from the Steelers. Much like Jason or Michael Myers, Rapistberger will keep slowly trudging forward and obliterating any obstacles that get in his way of cornering a drunk co-ed in the bathroom of a bar while his bodyguard acts as a lookout.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Packers @ Panthers

Well, that didn’t go very well for Green Bay last week. Aaron Rodgers is an All-World QB, but his supporting cast that’s still healthy isn’t quite up to that level. The Packers will probably struggle to get separation from Carolina as well this week, but I have to believe Green Bay learned something from the Broncos’ controlled demolition of their team. With an improved commitment to running and play-action to give Rodgers the room to tuck it or throw downfield, the Packers should be able produce points offensively against the Panthers. However, I question whether or not Green Bay can control Cam Newton and his gusto.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Falcons @ 49ers

Congratulations, we’ve reached the point in the season when Blaine Gabbert starts for an NFL team.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Giants @ Buccaneers

Eli Manning was unstoppable against New Orleans, but New York still found a way to lose. Fortunately, Jameis Winston is no Drew Brees. The Giants will continue their one step forward, one step back routine this week by getting back on the winning side against Crab Legs and the Buccaneers. Eli Manning is the Luke Skywalker that the universe needs to defeat Darth Brady and Emperor Belicheat.

Win: New York Giants

Broncos @ Colts

If Denver dismantled Aaron Rodgers, what is this Broncos defense capable of against Andrew Luck? Indianapolis nearly completed a miraculous comeback against Carolina, but Andrew Luck couldn’t stop himself from giving the game away. Instead of taking a sack or throwing the ball out of bounds, Luck has been bound and determined to loft up shitty pass after shitty pass. It makes no sense, and I can’t imagine that tendency suddenly stopping. The Broncos got on the right track running the ball right through Green Bay, and Denver should take advantage of Indianapolis’ shitty defense the exact same way. In a sense, it doesn’t matter what Peyton does on offense in this game. While you can’t count on a defensive touchdown, I would guarantee at least an interception and a handful of sacks as Andrew Luck and the Colts’ offense is stifled another week. But if Luck can get healthy and new offensive coordinator Rod Chudzinski can work his TE magic, then Indianapolis still has a chance to remain on top of the worst division in sports.

Win: Denver Broncos

Eagles @ Cowboys

Dallas nearly toppled the Seahawks last week, but that is more of an indictment on Seattle than an example of how close the Cowboys are to competing. Without Tony Romo, Dallas doesn’t stand a chance. Even in a dysfunctional division, Matt Cassell is not capable of consistency to the standard that Dallas requires with their supporting cast. But the Cowboys get a break with the Philadelphia Eagles coming into town. Philadelphia is aggressively awful. They still have no idea how to put their players in the best position for success, and I don’t think Chip Kelly is interested in learning anything new. This will be yet another sloppy, boring game that is so close that people will confuse themselves into believing it was actually a good game. That’s the bread-and-butter of the NFL. I know, we’ll call it…parity!

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Bears @ Chargers

Smokin' Jay's Smug Indifference

I hope Bears fans are happy knowing that Jay Cutler’s level of competence in Adam Gase’s new offense has probably bought him another year and one last chance in Chicago. Sound familiar? That was the same story with Marc Trestman before Cutler imploded. Why should this new situation be any different? Especially now that Matt Forte is on the tail end of his career and there isn’t another focal point in sight. Chicago should have held a fire sale and completely cleaned house in terms of personnel. The Chargers don’t exactly have a home-field advantage in San Diego, which plays to the benefit of the Bears. Despite all of San Diego’s injuries and overall dedication to mediocrity, the Chargers are still more talented than Chicago and will likely win by at least a touchdown. Let’s all sit back and watch Jay Cutler’s smug indifference against Philip Rivers’ whiny incredulous scowl on primetime. It’s MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!

Win: San Diego Chargers

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