Overall: 100-60
Last Week: 9-5

Eagles @ Lions

It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without terrible football. Would you rather socialize and get stuck in miserable small talk with family and friends or zone out like a zombie watching two awful teams try to get through the short week unscathed? Watching the Lions struggle every Thanksgiving is an American tradition. While Detroit is coming together as a competitive team again under the guidance of ol’ Jim Bob Cooter, the entire Philadelphia Eagles franchise is fed up with Chip Kelly and a loss to the Lions might be the final straw. Philadelphia won’t fire Chip because they’re already paying him and the temptation of a return to college will always be there with lucrative offers. So the question becomes: will Chip Kelly quit? Take a look at that man’s face and tell me he wouldn’t jump ship to a primetime college opportunity like LSU or Texas. Chip Kelly is not the victim here. If he jumps ship, he’s abandoning a ship he built and staffed with his hand-picked crew after the ship sailed into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. That ship is too far off shore for there to be any survivors. Everyone is just going to freeze to death. I hope those rational, sane Eagles fans we all know so well are able to look back and realize where it all went wrong. You don’t give a crazy man the keys to the city then get shocked when he shits all over the place and runs away.

Win: Detroit Lions

Panthers @ Cowboys

So Tony Romo does make a world of difference—compelling the Cowboys to be competitive. Dallas finally got back on the winning side of the ledger last week, but they run into the undefeated Panthers today. Happy Thanksgiving! The Cowboys will likely be thankful if Tony Romo is still able to stand upright after the game. Carolina is going to lose eventually. New England is capable of threatening to run the gamut undefeated (as we’ve seen before), but the Panthers aren’t that type of team. Although Carolina has constructed a versatile, stout defense with playmakers at every level, the offense still runs completely through Cam Newton. Inevitably, Cam will have a face-plant performance and the supporting cast won’t be able to carry the team to victory. We all know Jonathan Stewart isn’t great. I can’t name a healthy wide receiver aside from Funchess bunches and that’s only because he’s a 1st round rookie. Is this the team that still employs that dinosaur Jerricho Cotchery? Maybe Carolina crumbles in this game, but I doubt Dallas is the team who can confuse Cam and give him trouble. Whoever can contain Cam and stall out the offense will be the first team to poke a hole in the tough exterior of the Panthers. Looking at the schedule, Dallas stands as good of a chance as any of the other upcoming mediocre teams, but I’ll give the advantage to New Orleans due to the familiarity with their division rival and the fact that Rob Ryan is finally fucking gone—permanently left to enjoy his own personal, perpetual state of Mardi Gras.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Bears @ Packers


Chicago should have beaten Brock Osweiler and the Broncos last week. Osweiler’s first touchdown was a completely broken play where the Bears defense just outright refused to tackle. It was an embarrassment. And that flub probably cost them the game. If not, John Fox trying run little Jeremy Langford right through Denver’s defense on the 2-point conversion certainly sealed Chicago’s fate. I don’t care what his weight is listed at on the program. Jeremy Langford looks like he’s 180 pounds when soaking wet. That’s not a good decision against arguably the best (or most talented) defense in the NFL. I know no one trusts Smokin’ Jay, but the Bears’ only chance to come back and win that game was on the back of Cutler. Smokin’ Jay hasn’t been horrible, but he’ll take another step back next year once Adam Gase gets a head coaching gig by virtue of making Cutler slightly above-average. I wasn’t shocked by a conservative John Fox in the same manner I wasn’t shocked that Aaron Rodgers found a way to guide Green Bay to a much-needed win over the division rival Vikings. Even with a giant talent void sucking the potential greatness of Green Bay down the drain, Aaron Rodgers is capable of bringing them back from the brink every time. We’ll look back on this era and lament the lacking supporting that Green Bay has given Rodgers—just as the Colts failed Peyton Manning. James Jones wearing a hooded sweatshirt under his jersey last week is the perfect encapsulation of this weird hobo team the Packers have patched together around Aaron Rodgers.

Win: Green Bay Packers


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