Overall: 108-68
Last Week: 8-8

Packers @ Lions

Detroit pulled off the improbable upset against Green Bay at Lambeau earlier this year during Week 10. The Lions aren’t sweeping this season series. But something is clearly wrong with the Packers. Injuries aside, this underperformance might finally lead to the ousting of Mike McCarthy. Only the cheapness of the Packers is likely to save him—couple with yet another injury excuse. Fat Elvis is leaving the building!

Win: Green Bay Packers

Texans @ Bills

Buffalo has taken on the identity of Rex Ryan very early. The Bills are an undisciplined mess that garners flags on every other play. This is the team that took in Richie Not So Incognito with open arms. It’s easy to forget because he’s injured (shocker!), but the Bills also brought in well-known cancer Percy Harvin into their locker room. Thankfully Percy chucked up the deuces and bailed as soon as he got hurt again. Harvin is a diminutive 5’11” guy that is such a Bad Mother Fucker that basically the entire NFL fears him—in a personal sense, not actually on the field anymore. He probably had to remove himself from the situation before he just started cold-cocking guys because they suck so much. I don’t believe in Houston’s resurgence, but it’s clear dumping Ryan Mallett was the right choice. Enjoy your “defensive struggle” that’s really two shitty offensive teams struggling to score touchdowns.

Win: Buffalo Bills

49ers @ Bears

The Tomsula

Jim Harbaugh is long gone, but there’s somehow still drama in San Francisco’s front office. If Jim Tomsula is looking at you and shaking his head in disapproval, then you know you did something wrong. Typically, Jim Tomsula is just happy to have a roof over his head and an office to sleep at every night. But this is a man of high character that won’t stand for the public (and probably rightful) character assassination and shaming of Colin Kaepernick. That type of good guy probably isn’t long for the NFL. I believe there’s a mandate that you can only be a head coach if you’re an angry, miserable prick.

Win: Chicago Bears

Bengals @ Browns

Josh McCown’s season-ending broken collarbone was like the final Jenga block toppling the unstable, wavering tower. It was pretty much bound to happen, and most people are shocked it wasn’t earlier in the season when McCown helicoptered running the ball. Instead of turning back to John Football with their tails tucked between their legs, the Browns are starting Austin Davis this week against the in-state rival Bengals—and will probably then start Manziel next week. That’s so Cleveland.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Jaguars @ Titans

I’m still holding out hope for Chip Kelly trading himself to the Titans. It’s the only way Tennessee will ever be interesting. I hate both of these teams and anyone who watches this game is doing it for BDSM purposes. Why would you torture yourself with this unwatchable game?

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Cardinals @ Rams

Is there a point that Jeff Fisher could reach where he gets fired? Or is Stan Kroenke too concerned with moving the Rams to Los Angeles as soon as fucking possible? I’m going to side with that option because Fisher’s run with the Rams has been boring and ordinary—not unlike his Titans reign. But St. Louis has worn down Fisher into a run-of-the-mill miserable prick NFL head coach. I miss jovial Jeff Fisher who did crazy things like reveal he’s wearing a Peyton Manning jersey under his suit at some dumb Tony Dungy function. Now Fisher is so jaded and unhappy that his planning this week was throwing darts with Gregg Williams at a picture of Carson Palmer’s knees while laughing maniacally.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Ravens @ Dolphins

We have a Matt Schaub sighting! People are arguing over whether there is a systemic problem underlying the lack of quality quarterbacks at the NFL level. This season and especially over the last few weeks, fans have been subjected to the awful play of Jimmy Clausen, Brandon Weeden, Ryan Mallet, Landry Jones, Matt Cassell, Blaine Gabbert, Case Keenum, and now Matt Schaub. Nope, no problem at all. Move along. Nothing to see here. Maybe Schaub will be so bad that Baltimore turns to their new backup: Jimmy Clausen!

Win: Miami Dolphins

Seahawks @ Vikings

Perhaps Jimmy Graham’s kneecap flying off is the best thing for the Seahawks offense. Russell Wilson can go back to his 20-step drops running around and throwing it to some guy who no one can name. As I said, Seattle is the fucking hipster Michael Myers. Please, someone kill the Seahawks. I don’t want to see this team in the playoffs again. But since my inability to be happy combined with Minnesota’s long illustrious career of sucking and choking, the Vikings will find a way to lose this game. Give Adrian Peterson a long switch and let him go to work. Thanks for making me root for the child abuser!

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Jets @ Giants

I don’t know how this technically a road or home game for either team since they share the same stadium. Neither franchise is fielding a healthy team right now, and they’ll both be satisfied if they don’t leave with more injuries. Welcome to an exciting game of attrition. Yeah, let’s go ahead and add more games to the schedule so we can all be bored out of our minds while backup QBs duel to the death. Brock Ock stuck the first spear into the side of the Patriots last week, but I’m still holding out for the miraculous Giants playoff run that results in an Eli Manning victory and a crying Tom Brady.

Win: New York Giants

Falcons @ Buccaneers

Atlanta already lost to Jameis Winston once this year, right? That can’t possibly happen again. Is Kyle Shanahan the anti-Christ? We still have no idea if Matt Ryan is actually good, but the Falcons are hamstringing Matt Icy Hot by not even dialing up deep throws downfield. Someone needs to shake Shanahan to remind him he doesn’t have Robert Griffin III or Johnny Manziel as his quarterback any longer and that Julio Jones can catch whatever is thrown his way. Atlanta shouldn’t be this bad.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Chiefs @ Raiders

Every time I think the Raiders have turned the corner, they spit in my face and show their true colors. I want to believe Derek Carr is good and Amari Cooper will be a game-changer. But Oakland is still coached by Jack Del Rio, so how good can they be? Man-Walrus Andy Reid doesn’t exactly inspire confidence either, but nearly anyone can run the ball successfully for the Chiefs. Alex Smith will never gain my full trust, but Travis Kelce and Jeremy Maclin have been suitable threats to run after catching short passes. Andy Reid may not be a great NFL head coach. You can’t deny his superb acting in Tusk, though.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Broncos @ Chargers

Congratulations, the NFL referees beat the New England Patriots last week! And I’m a fan of the Broncos. How the end of that game was bumbled was laughable. Sure, there aren’t any officiating issues. To the credit of Denver, C.J. Anderson has looked incredibly different these last few weeks and he just punished the Patriots on the ground. Brock Ock was unstable and will kill the Broncos if Peyton isn’t healthy enough to start in the playoffs. I wouldn’t be shocked if Philip Rivers pulls another improbable performance out of his ass this week, but San Diego is so decimated that Denver should dominate.

Win: Denver Broncos

Eagles @ Patriots

Seriously, fuck Tom Brady. Look at how mediocre Brady was as soon as Gronkowski’s knee bent backwards. It doesn’t matter how many mediocre white wide receivers got hurt. But as soon as that monstrous polar bear stops manhandling everyone, Brady turns back into his unspectacular self. Unfortunately, the national narrative already latched onto the injury bug excuse. Make no mistake, Gronk is the on-field difference-maker. It’s not Brady. Gronk throws linemen to the side as their best run blocker and he’s too damn big for anyone to cover when he runs to catch a pass. When people were shoveling dirt on Brady, it was because Gronk was hurt. Now, the Patriots get to beat the shit out of an Eagles team that’s already given up on Chip Kelly. So we can all look forward to the media fawning over Brady managing to win without anyone to catch his passes. If I were to break down the responsibility of success for the New England: Bill Belichick (65%); Rob Gronkowski (25%); Tom Brady (10%).

Win: New England Patriots

Panthers @ Saints

The Carolina Panthers are the last undefeated team standing. It still feels weird to hear that. At some point, the Panthers will falter and a division game against that Saints is a potential pitfall. The familiarity might make things seem closer, but Carolina is considerably more talented and momentum is in their favor. Cam Newton should pick apart the awful New Orleans defense for yet another win.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Colts @ Steelers

Matt Hasselback is not an unbeatable force. Pittsburgh is a much more formidable foe for Indianapolis than the junk they’ve been cycling through recently. Even with as many injuries as the Steelers have sustained, Pittsburgh is packed with so much offensive talent that their No. 3 WR dominated the Seahawks. Mike Tomlin would be wise to run DeAngelo Williams’ old legs into the ground because the Colts still can’t stop the run and their secondary is overmatched against Rapistberger.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Cowboys @ Redskins

I know the deadline passed, but can’t we trade Johnny Manziel to the Cowboys now? It’s an inevitable failed marriage. At least it will make these painfully mediocre Cowboys more entertaining. I can’t believe the Redskins might be the benefactor of a historically bad NFC East. With Kirk Cousins, nevertheless! YOU LIKE THAT!!! No, I don’t like that. Please stop yelling at me, Kirk.

Win: Washington Redskins

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