Overall: 148-92
Last Week: 10-6

Saints @ Falcons

All angry white people mad at Cam Newton should be bowing at the altar of the average Atlanta Falcons and their poster boy for mediocrity Matt Ryan. I figured the Giants had the best opportunity to knock off Goliath, but the division rival Falcons had other plans. Now Atlanta gets to play down to their competition and I wouldn’t be shocked if the corpse of Tim Hightower shuffles off this mortal coil for 100+ yards against Atlanta’s defense. Coming off their own personal Super Bowl, the Falcons need to prove they’re building something and it wasn’t a fluke. But then again, we all know it was just a fluke.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Jets @ Bills

I don’t know whether or not to attribute the Jets’ improvement this season to new head coach Todd Bowles or offensive coordinator Chan Gailey changing the offense and bringing in Ryan Fitzpatrick. Rex Ryan never had and still doesn’t have an offense as competently run as this system in the hands of Mr. Harvard. While the Bills might have some competitive teams in their future, I don’t think Rex Ryan is a coach capable of repeating consistent success. His teams always lack leadership and discipline. Although this might be a close affair with all that extra emotion involved, the Bills will find some way to Buffalo this game while their fans are far too busy getting blow jobs and powerbombing people through tables.

Win: New York Jets

Lions @ Bears

Ending the year with division matchups doesn’t always result in entertaining games. Detroit and Chicago should both agree to play this game electronically on PlayStation so no one has to waste their time freezing their asses off in the cold. I imagine it would end with Jay Cutler tossing his controller in apathetic disgust because he can’t help but throw careless interceptions even playing Madden.

Win: Detroit Lions

Ravens @ Bengals

You know your situation is dire if you’re hoping A.J. McCarron plays injured. But that’s the situation the Bengals find themselves in without their fiery (crotch) leader Andy Dalton. It’s too bad Baltimore brings in a traveling 3-ring circus of shitty QBs or else Cincinnati could be in major jeopardy. The Bengals should just run the ball on nearly every play—regardless of whether the Ravens can stop them.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Steelers @ Browns

Manziel

If Johnny Manziel hasn’t shit his career away yet, then it’s only because you cannot account for the craziness of Jerry Jones. A concussed Manziel gets this Sunday off so he goes to the logical place for rest and relaxation—Las Vegas. Someone needs to tell Manziel to fuck off. I can’t wait to hear all about the fantastic tales of John Gas Station Attendant because this whole Johnny Football charade is finally over. If it’s possible for a little brain trauma to help anyone, Manziel is the perfect candidate to get sense knocked into him rather than out of him. I bet he’s passed out drunk at some Vegas whorehouse right about now.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Redskins @ Cowboys

Dallas’ playoff hopes died when Tony Romo went down the first time. Since Jerry Jones is the Cryptkeeper, he wanted to punish Cowboys fans as long as possible by rushing an injured Romo back just so he can break his collarbone again. Washington will probably pull their starters at some point, but the Redskins should control this game against a Dallas team desperate for the season to end.

Win: Washington Redskins

Titans @ Colts

Zach Mettenberger vs. Any Healthy Body the Colts Can Find! I live in Arizona and I remember a co-worker enjoying a smug laugh after reading a few weeks ago that former Cardinals stand-in Ryan Lindley (you can hardly call him a QB) was hired at some business here in Arizona. A few weeks later and he’s getting a call from the Colts because Matt Hasselback is as old as dirt and no one wanted to resurrect Clipboard Jesus. I’m pretty sure the whole league has to lose in order for the Colts to make the playoffs, which isn’t going to happen even if Josh Freeman or Ryan Lindley manages to beat Tennessee.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Patriots @ Dolphins

Fuck Tom Brady. I don’t know if it’s even possible, but I would love to see the Patriots drop out of positioning for a first round bye. But alas, the Dolphins are the Dolphins for a reason.

Win: New England Patriots

Eagles @ Giants

The Charlie Kelly era is over! For the first time this season, the Eagles might actually be motivated to play in order to prove the irrelevance of Chip Kelly. On the other side, this should be the final farewell for Tom Coughlin. Giants fans need to be sure they dismember Coughlin’s body and bury them in separate graves or else he’ll regenerate and come back to haunt your nightmares. Expect Eli and Odell to send that angry, beady-eyed teddy bear with leathery, wrinkly skin off in retirement home style.

Win: New York Giants

Jaguars @ Texans

Brandon Weeden can’t possibly guide a team to the playoffs, right? The Jaguars still feel like a better team even though they perpetually underachieve. But I don’t care because Blake Bortles and a similarly ragtag group of aggressively mediocre players won my league in Fantasy Football.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Chargers @ Broncos

Maybe it’s because of his vampire blood, but the Broncos keep getting additional chances at the end of games—from mistakes by officials and opposing teams alike. Denver needed to two fumbles from A.J. McCarron’s butterfingers in order to beat the Bengals. Brock Ock could faceplant in this season finale and make the Broncos seriously question bringing Peyton Manning back for the playoffs. But consider that highly unlikely against a Chargers franchise more concerned with moving to Los Angeles.

Win: Denver Broncos

Raiders @ Chiefs

Kansas City is swiftly on their way from being underrated to extremely overrated heading into playoffs. Oakland isn’t that far off and the Raiders will put up a fight as against a tough division rival, but Andy Reid should have the Chiefs clicking on all cylinders in this season finale. If Kansas City can’t secure this victory, then everything starts to point towards another first round exit in the AFC playoffs.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Seahawks @ Cardinals

Arizona is possibly the most entertaining team in the NFL. The Cardinals destroyed Green Bay last week and they have the potential to blow out any team, but Seattle is out for blood. With the division out of the picture this season, the Seahawks want to make a statement by wounding Arizona before the playoffs.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Rams @ 49ers

What a shitshow. I would never watch this game willingly and I’m only siding with the San Francisco 49ers because I want Jim Tomsula to be happy and keep being a head coach in the NFL.

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Buccaneers @ Panthers

I do not envy those poor Tampa Bay Buccaneers who will feel the full force of Carolina’s frustration.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Vikings @ Packers

Let’s not forget that Minnesota is still Minnesota. Green Bay got embarrassed last week, but that’s not a reason to entirely jump off the ship. This is not the Titanic. As long as the Packers can figure out how to protect Aaron Rodgers, then Green Bay stands a chance—especially against a franchise with a long, tortured history of blowing prime opportunities. More heartbreak is in store for Minnesota this year.

Win: Green Bay Packers

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