Overall: 157-99
Last Week: 9-7

Week 17 wasn’t exactly a kind end of the season, but I still managed a 61% success rate when picking winners. I went 163-93 in 2014 and 162-93-1 in 2013, which (combined with this year’s results) puts me at a 63% rate. This proves any idiot can pick NFL games. With zero research or anything invested in the process, you too can be just like so-called experts. Now onto the playoffs!

Chiefs @ Texans

You know the patented Andy Reid faceplant is coming. Alex Smith and the ground game have been stellar in the second half of the season, but do not underestimate the ability of Kansas City to shoot themselves in the foot. With J.J. Watt as the only real legitimate threat to the Chiefs, they should run Charcandrick West and Spencer Ware right at him. What they shouldn’t do but probably will do is over-expose Alex Smith to hits by dropping back to pass too much. It’s an Andy Reid staple. However, I cannot root for J.J. Watt and this shitty Texans team to advance. Between Bill O’Brien and Andy Reid, gimme the byproduct of the Kool-Aid Man fucking a walrus every time.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Steelers @ Bengals


Pittsburgh is the most feared team in the AFC due to their potential to post points. Without DeAngelo Williams, the Steelers will employ a rotating door behind Rapistberger. If Big Ben pulls off another unwanted penetration (of Cincinnati’s secondary…and all of their college-aged white women) successfully, there’s very little question whether the Steelers will win. The Bengals’ ability to win this game relies completely on their defense. All season, Cincinnati’s defense has bended but not broken. Considering A.J. McCarron is starting, even bending too much will result in yet another early exit. But being without a running threat is when Pittsburgh will be their most vulnerable these playoffs. I hate both teams, but I think we’re building to A.J. McCarron notching a playoff win before Andy Dalton. Then there’s the possibility of Andy Dalton returning if the Bengals manage to advance.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Seahawks @ Vikings

Weeks ago, I told you hipster Michael Myers wouldn’t die. The Seattle Seahawks are the worst nightmare for any respectable NFL fan. This team is awful to watch, but that didn’t stop them from squeezing into the playoffs again. I would love for the Minnesota Vikings to win this game. Yes, I’d rather root for a team that employs a man who beat his child with a stick than watch the Seahawks win another playoff game. I’m beyond sick of this stupid team. When you stab them in the chest, don’t just run away thinking you’ll be fine. This team will get up and continue haunting you. Please cut their head off and end it for good. Marshawn Lynch’s late scratch gives the Vikings hope. But I’ve watched this movie before and know the ending. There’s always a shitty sequel waiting.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Packers @ Redskins

Congratulations, NFL. We live in a world where the Washington Racial Slurs are back in the playoffs. Parity! I don’t know what black hole to an alternate universe I slipped into, but I want to go back to the place where Aaron Rodgers was playing like an all-time great and Kirk Cousins was a shitty backup to RG Knee. The Redskins were the fortunate winner of the no good NFC East—y’know, the division that just fired two coaches and the third is a ginger. If Mike McCarthy can’t get the offensive line to protect Aaron Rodgers long enough to unleash deep balls, then expect to see the Redskins in the next round. A loss may very well bring the guillotine down on Mike McCarthy’s fat neck and triple chins. But I’m hoping Rodgers still has another Super Bowl run in his right arm.

Win: Green Bay Packers

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