Poster

Bad Roomies belongs in the Pantheon of bad movies.

Normally, I would never watch this movie. I don’t seek out bad movies.

But when I was browsing through the Recently Added/Trending Now categories on Netflix, I saw a face that has deeply disturbed me since childhood. A doughy, pudgy red-haired monster that is forever emblazoned in my brain has re-appeared to haunt my nightmares. I shudder at the sight.

What comes to mind when I say the name Ham Porter? The answer should be douche chills.

Ham Porter is the little fat ginger from The Sandlot. His real name is Patrick Renna, but that hardly matters. At this time, Patrick Renna is 37 years old, but he will forever be Ham Porter. Michael Bower will always be Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts. Shaun Weiss will always be Goldberg from The Mighty Ducks. It is inescapable. Those actors just need to embrace it at this point.

In my mind, Patrick Renna only existed in The Sandlot. When I stopped watching that movie after the millionth time as a kid, Patrick Renna was dead to me until Netflix mushed Bad Roomies in my face. However, his IMDb page suggests otherwise. I would have never known. Renna had a nice run of guest spots on classic 90s TV shows like Boy Meets World, Home Improvement, and The X-Files. After 1999, I don’t recognize anything that he’s been involved with, but good for him for managing to get work despite his ugly mug and pedestrian acting ability. Patrick Renna peaked as Ham Porter.

Ham Porter

That’s the last time I’ll say the actor’s real name. We shall continue referring to him as Ham Porter for the rest of this review of the very terrible, incredibly cringeworthy Bad Roomies. For all intents and purposes, his character in this movie (Bobby) is basically Ham Porter all “grown” up. Ham Porter has the same face and body proportions as his 14-year-old self in The Sandlot.

My wife wisely pointed out that Ham Porter bears a certain resemblance to Chucky. It is an astute observation. Plus, he looks like my ginger cousin who I once warned not to smile and obnoxiously shake his head in my face—he didn’t listen. It would also explain why his repulsive face had such an impact on me during my childhood. His face evokes a visceral reaction from me every time.

Ham Porter is so fucking creepy. I recoil in horror when he smiles and expresses joy. He plays a disgusting, revolting character very well. Clearly, he’s in his wheelhouse in Bad Roomies. As someone stuck in a perpetual state of adolescence, his character could have easily been called Ham Porter and no one would have batted an eye. Besides, there are so many other worse parts to this movie.

Bad Roomies is uncomfortable and not in an enjoyable, awkward manner. This movie is such an unpleasant watch because it thinks it is so hilarious and outrageous. I feel bad for Tommy Savas—he’s literally the only bright spot of this entire movie as Raymond. He’s roommates with Ham Porter and the story revolves around them finding a new roommate. What are these two going to do?

Ladies Man Ham

Shockingly, they find a girl! Annie Monroe is legitimately horrible as Chloe—unless you are supposed to fucking despise her within the first 5 minutes. You cannot root for or even mildly tolerate any of these characters. None of their decisions make any sense and it’s not like their choices lead to laughs. This movie yields no humor. That’s not good for a movie that bills itself as a dark comedy.

I lasted about 20 minutes before I instinctively reached for the remote to put an end to the misery. But I persevered. I knew this would be a bad movie. I started watching Bad Roomies to discover and study the depth of its awfulness. This is one of the worst movies I have ever watched.

There are no redeeming qualities to this movie. I hate-watched this motherfucker to try to save you from potentially making the same mistake. When you see this movie on Netflix, please do yourself a favor and scroll past Ham Porter’s fat ugly face as quick as possible. Bad Roomies is objectively awful.

This movie felt like the longest hour and a half of my life. The pace is so slow, there is no rhythm or comedic timing, and the attempts at humor are sophomoric. While it wants to be crude and edgy, it’s just unpleasant and uncomfortable to experience on every level. I have already dedicated far too many words to this movie, but its terribleness continued to surprise me as the movie unraveled.

Gross Ham

By the end, the movie goes to such an extent to insult your intelligence. It feels like everyone involved took turns spitting in my face. I was aghast. Typically, I don’t enjoy eviscerating a movie, but Bad Roomies earns every negative word. It takes time and effort to write, direct, and produce a movie. But I need to know, who is this for and why was it made? It doesn’t need to exist.

My rating system of movies uses the 5-star scale to mirror Netflix. I use half-stars to try to futilely add a little more nuance—on Netflix, I’ll round up or down depending on the entertainment value. However, this is an instance where my rating won’t match my Netflix rating because they do not allow you to give a movie 0 stars. Instead of abstaining from giving it a Netflix rating, I settled for 1 star so it would at least drag down the overall rating of the movie for everyone else. Bad Roomies deserves that treatment. I have never wasted my time to write a 0-star review of a movie before, but kudos to Bad Roomies for creating such a steaming pile of shit that it merits mentioning. Fucking Ham Porter.

Ultimately, I blame myself. I don’t like to bring bad movies into my life, which is why I needed this review to salvage some entertainment value. Please heed my warning. No one else needs to be a victim. Goodbye, Ham Porter. It’s not personal, but may I never see your face again.

Kisses

0 out 5 stars

Advertisements
Comments
  1. LMFAO at giving it 1 star because you can’t give it 0 stars on Netflix! Yeah man, this movie put me in a bad mood oddly. That Chloe character was especially grating for some reason. It was a cool concept, some great scenes, but annoying as hell.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s