Posts Tagged ‘Arizona Cardinals’

Overall: 163-101
Last Week: 3-1

Patriots @ Broncos

Red Forehead

Fuck Tom Brady. It’s infuriating to still see everyone credit Tom Brady when the clear difference-maker on the Patriots is Rob Gronkowski. Brady immediately regressed to mediocre when Gronk was hurt, but he’s back to being a world-beater who gets rid of the ball in less than two seconds when that monster is roaming the field. The New England Patriots trained a polar bear to catch passes. Gronkowski doesn’t need to be open to catch passes. Gronk will just maul whatever unfortunate soul is around him and grab the ball mid-air in his teeth. This isn’t Brady vs. Manning as much as it is Gronkowski vs. The World.

The Gronk’s Prayer is a thing that exists…

Our Gronk who scores in sevens,
Hollowed be thy brain.
Thy kingdom dumb.
Thy will mix rum,
On turf as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily meat spread,
And don’t forgive us our trespasses,
As we don’t forgive those who double-cover against us,
Lead us directly and repeatedly into temptation,
But deliver dat sexy body from evil.
For spikes in the endzone,
With great power, bring you glory,
Forever.
Way-men.

Rob Gronkowski is One Man Gang. There’s no question who the man is in New England. Gronk is the straw that stirs the drink—and then proceeds to pound that drink and drink everyone else’s. But I have to believe that Good finds a way. Everyone but Peyton Manning knows this is the last hurrah. How sweet it would be for Peyton to bring his record against Brady to 3-2 in the playoffs, and a shot at riding off into the sunset with a ring. A man can dream. Peyton is pulling out all the stops, he even rope-a-doped the Steelers last week by falling down (without being touched) only to get back up to throw and make the biggest play of the game. The Patriots are back at full strength while Denver is limping into the game with a still-injured Peyton Manning. In 2009, I was at the 4th and 2 Game in Indianapolis—the only NFL game I’ve ever attended. It’s not quite the same with Manning at the end of his career, but he’s the only player I’ve witnessed get in Belicheat’s head. Manning brought the Colts back from the brink, and there was no way the Patriots wanted to give him the ball in those final moments. Everyone in that stadium knew Manning was marching down the field to win that game. No question about it.

In order for the Broncos to win this game, it is going to take a similar heroic effort from Peyton Manning AND a monumental defensive stop to finish the game. Those odds aren’t great. But there’s a chance. Even if it is just for old times’ sake, I want to believe Good will triumph over Evil.

Win: Denver Broncos

Cardinals @ Panthers

The Nature Boy once said, “To Be THE Man, You’ve Gotta Beat THE Man! WOOOOO!!!!!”

WOO

The Panthers made Ric Flair (Carolina hometown boy) proud last week by beating the Seattle Seahawks. Carolina eclipsed the NFC’s Super Bowl representative from the last two years. But the Panthers aren’t alone on the mountain top yet. Arizona is coming to town as the last remaining obstacle in the Carolina Panthers’ path to the Super Bowl. Carson Palmer has been shaky since injuring his finger, and the Cardinals are lacking the depth—namely, on defense and running the ball—to finish out this final stretch. If Carolina contains David Johnson out of the backfield and puts the clamps on big plays, then Arizona is going to have a tough time hanging with the Panthers. As the best running team in this Final Four, Carolina has an advantage by being able to run the ball down anyone’s throat. Arizona has a chance because of Bruce Arians’ ballsy play-calling, but that also can backfire real quick if Carson Palmer turns the ball over. Last year, Cam Newton proved he could walk away unscathed after rolling his car. It’s going to take a lot more than a car wreck for the Cardinals to stop him today.

Win: Carolina Panthers

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Overall: 160-100
Last Week: 3-1

Chiefs @ Patriots

Fuck Tom Brady. The Chiefs predictably pounded the Texans last week. But that’s where the improbable Alex Smith run ends. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to see the Patriots choke a home playoff game away. I sincerely doubt the probability of that happening against Alex Smith’s Kansas City Chiefs as coached by Andy Reid. Since Jamaal Charles’ injury, Charcandrick West and Spencer Ware have been running the ball. With Jeremy Maclin very likely out for this game, all Belicheat has to do is take Travis Kelce away in order to stifle Kansas City’s offense. Unless Alex Smith plays out of his mind, the Patriots will post too many points for the Chiefs to catch up to by kicking field goals.

Win: New England Patriots

Packers @ Cardinals

In terms of pure entertainment value, Green Bay against Arizona might be the sneaky best matchup of the week. The Packers are not a good football team. Green Bay wins and loses on the shoulders of Aaron Rodgers. Their offensive line hasn’t given Rodgers enough room to operate, but the Packers looked vastly improved last week. I would not be shocked to see Aaron Rodgers create havoc for Arizona’s defense—particularly if Rodgers uses his legs to breathe new life into broken plays. The Cardinals are a good football team. But like all things Arizona, they are rather unspectacular. Bruce Arians will put the Cardinals in the best position to win, but I just don’t know if Arizona can survive if Green Bay bottles up David Johnson on the ground. A shootout favors Arizona with their penchant for big plays, but the Packers could pull off a mighty upset with another dominating running attack. The Cardinals (especially their annoying bandwagon fans) are still riding high after recently wiping the floor with Green Bay, but Arizona should be on red alert with Rodgers lurking.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Seahawks @ Panthers

Fuck the 12th Man. Hipster Michael Myers did it again. After being left for dead yet again, Seattle rose from their grave and continued their crazed murderous streak. The Seahawks had no business winning that fucking game. This team is so fucking insufferable. It’s torturous listening to Russell Wilson give generic athlete speak and credit God for all things good. He’s a soulless pod person. Since Seattle doesn’t deserve to be in this game, the Seahawks will continue personifying Michael Myers by stabbing Cam Newton in the chest on their way to claiming a victory in Carolina. You know it is happening. Collectively, everyone outside of the Pacific Northwest hates this boring team too much for them to not unjustly advance to another round. If the world is as cruel and unforgiving as I fear, we’re headed straight for a Super Bowl rematch.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Steelers @ Broncos

Grimace

If the Broncos beat the Steelers this week, Denver owes bounty hunter Vontaze Burfict his dues for taking out Le’Veon Bell ($10,000) and Antonio Brown ($8,000) and maiming Rapistberger ($2,000). We all deserve one last Brady-Manning battle before Peyton sets off in the sunset. Let’s hope that Week 17 wasn’t an aberration because it would be a shame to see Manning’s health break down yet again. Denver shouldn’t be sleeping on the Steelers. Rapistberger has a long history of over-exaggerating injuries to build himself up to hero status so don’t be shocked to see that happen again. If Pittsburgh is going to win, they need Big Ben to turn back the clock. The Broncos defense is susceptible to being passed on, but I don’t believe the Steelers will be able to put away Denver without their full complement of weapons. However, Mike Tomlin will surely pull out all the stops in a desperate attempt to upset Denver so all trick plays and onside kicks are on the table. I wouldn’t trust Gary Kubiak with anything mildly important, which scares the shit out of me when watching the final moments of any close Broncos game. We don’t know the true health of either QB so this could be a complete toss-up.

Win: Denver Broncos

Overall: 148-92
Last Week: 10-6

Saints @ Falcons

All angry white people mad at Cam Newton should be bowing at the altar of the average Atlanta Falcons and their poster boy for mediocrity Matt Ryan. I figured the Giants had the best opportunity to knock off Goliath, but the division rival Falcons had other plans. Now Atlanta gets to play down to their competition and I wouldn’t be shocked if the corpse of Tim Hightower shuffles off this mortal coil for 100+ yards against Atlanta’s defense. Coming off their own personal Super Bowl, the Falcons need to prove they’re building something and it wasn’t a fluke. But then again, we all know it was just a fluke.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Jets @ Bills

I don’t know whether or not to attribute the Jets’ improvement this season to new head coach Todd Bowles or offensive coordinator Chan Gailey changing the offense and bringing in Ryan Fitzpatrick. Rex Ryan never had and still doesn’t have an offense as competently run as this system in the hands of Mr. Harvard. While the Bills might have some competitive teams in their future, I don’t think Rex Ryan is a coach capable of repeating consistent success. His teams always lack leadership and discipline. Although this might be a close affair with all that extra emotion involved, the Bills will find some way to Buffalo this game while their fans are far too busy getting blow jobs and powerbombing people through tables.

Win: New York Jets

Lions @ Bears

Ending the year with division matchups doesn’t always result in entertaining games. Detroit and Chicago should both agree to play this game electronically on PlayStation so no one has to waste their time freezing their asses off in the cold. I imagine it would end with Jay Cutler tossing his controller in apathetic disgust because he can’t help but throw careless interceptions even playing Madden.

Win: Detroit Lions

Ravens @ Bengals

You know your situation is dire if you’re hoping A.J. McCarron plays injured. But that’s the situation the Bengals find themselves in without their fiery (crotch) leader Andy Dalton. It’s too bad Baltimore brings in a traveling 3-ring circus of shitty QBs or else Cincinnati could be in major jeopardy. The Bengals should just run the ball on nearly every play—regardless of whether the Ravens can stop them.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Steelers @ Browns

Manziel

If Johnny Manziel hasn’t shit his career away yet, then it’s only because you cannot account for the craziness of Jerry Jones. A concussed Manziel gets this Sunday off so he goes to the logical place for rest and relaxation—Las Vegas. Someone needs to tell Manziel to fuck off. I can’t wait to hear all about the fantastic tales of John Gas Station Attendant because this whole Johnny Football charade is finally over. If it’s possible for a little brain trauma to help anyone, Manziel is the perfect candidate to get sense knocked into him rather than out of him. I bet he’s passed out drunk at some Vegas whorehouse right about now.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Redskins @ Cowboys

Dallas’ playoff hopes died when Tony Romo went down the first time. Since Jerry Jones is the Cryptkeeper, he wanted to punish Cowboys fans as long as possible by rushing an injured Romo back just so he can break his collarbone again. Washington will probably pull their starters at some point, but the Redskins should control this game against a Dallas team desperate for the season to end.

Win: Washington Redskins

Titans @ Colts

Zach Mettenberger vs. Any Healthy Body the Colts Can Find! I live in Arizona and I remember a co-worker enjoying a smug laugh after reading a few weeks ago that former Cardinals stand-in Ryan Lindley (you can hardly call him a QB) was hired at some business here in Arizona. A few weeks later and he’s getting a call from the Colts because Matt Hasselback is as old as dirt and no one wanted to resurrect Clipboard Jesus. I’m pretty sure the whole league has to lose in order for the Colts to make the playoffs, which isn’t going to happen even if Josh Freeman or Ryan Lindley manages to beat Tennessee.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Patriots @ Dolphins

Fuck Tom Brady. I don’t know if it’s even possible, but I would love to see the Patriots drop out of positioning for a first round bye. But alas, the Dolphins are the Dolphins for a reason.

Win: New England Patriots

Eagles @ Giants

The Charlie Kelly era is over! For the first time this season, the Eagles might actually be motivated to play in order to prove the irrelevance of Chip Kelly. On the other side, this should be the final farewell for Tom Coughlin. Giants fans need to be sure they dismember Coughlin’s body and bury them in separate graves or else he’ll regenerate and come back to haunt your nightmares. Expect Eli and Odell to send that angry, beady-eyed teddy bear with leathery, wrinkly skin off in retirement home style.

Win: New York Giants

Jaguars @ Texans

Brandon Weeden can’t possibly guide a team to the playoffs, right? The Jaguars still feel like a better team even though they perpetually underachieve. But I don’t care because Blake Bortles and a similarly ragtag group of aggressively mediocre players won my league in Fantasy Football.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Chargers @ Broncos

Maybe it’s because of his vampire blood, but the Broncos keep getting additional chances at the end of games—from mistakes by officials and opposing teams alike. Denver needed to two fumbles from A.J. McCarron’s butterfingers in order to beat the Bengals. Brock Ock could faceplant in this season finale and make the Broncos seriously question bringing Peyton Manning back for the playoffs. But consider that highly unlikely against a Chargers franchise more concerned with moving to Los Angeles.

Win: Denver Broncos

Raiders @ Chiefs

Kansas City is swiftly on their way from being underrated to extremely overrated heading into playoffs. Oakland isn’t that far off and the Raiders will put up a fight as against a tough division rival, but Andy Reid should have the Chiefs clicking on all cylinders in this season finale. If Kansas City can’t secure this victory, then everything starts to point towards another first round exit in the AFC playoffs.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Seahawks @ Cardinals

Arizona is possibly the most entertaining team in the NFL. The Cardinals destroyed Green Bay last week and they have the potential to blow out any team, but Seattle is out for blood. With the division out of the picture this season, the Seahawks want to make a statement by wounding Arizona before the playoffs.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Rams @ 49ers

What a shitshow. I would never watch this game willingly and I’m only siding with the San Francisco 49ers because I want Jim Tomsula to be happy and keep being a head coach in the NFL.

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Buccaneers @ Panthers

I do not envy those poor Tampa Bay Buccaneers who will feel the full force of Carolina’s frustration.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Vikings @ Packers

Let’s not forget that Minnesota is still Minnesota. Green Bay got embarrassed last week, but that’s not a reason to entirely jump off the ship. This is not the Titanic. As long as the Packers can figure out how to protect Aaron Rodgers, then Green Bay stands a chance—especially against a franchise with a long, tortured history of blowing prime opportunities. More heartbreak is in store for Minnesota this year.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Overall: 138-86
Last Week: 10-6

Chargers @ Raiders

San Diego just said their goodbye to the Chargers and now Oakland and the Black Hole assholes get to send off the Raiders on Christmas Eve. Yet one or both of these teams could still conceivably return to home next year. The Great Journey to Los Angeles, NFL-style! The Chargers has long been awaiting the end of the season as nearly everyone is hurt or at least playing injured. On the other side, Oakland has been feisty under new head coach Jack Del Rio and Derek Carr shows true promise. Give the Raiders the advantage with an emotional atmosphere as fans cry at the potential of never seeing Mark Davis’ haircut ever again.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Redskins @ Eagles

The Redskins are going to win this terrible NFC East division, aren’t they? As if it’s not bad enough for the NFL that teams are forgetting (on multiple occasions) to take players with concussions out of the game while Will Smith’s shitty new movie—very creatively called Concussion—is being marketed non-stop during games. Now the team from the nation’s capital that just so happens to be an awful racial slur is also gaining relevance again on the national stage because they’re going to the playoffs for the first time since the RG Knee debacle. Kirk Cousins and his similarly bland supporters are already insufferable.

Win: Washington Redskins

Panthers @ Falcons

If the Panthers were going down in the regular season, I thought the Giants would inexplicably be the team that knocks them off. Due largely to Odell’s mental implosion, New York fell short of that goal—OBJ catching that easy TD on the Giants’ opening drive might have completely changed the tone. Cam’s confidence wasn’t shaken and it’s seemingly shatter-proof. It’s hard to imagine the no-good, sorry, awful Atlanta Falcons giving the Panthers their first wound of the season.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Cowboys @ Bills

We’re not at the end of the season yet, but both the Cowboys and Bills are eagerly anticipating the sweet relief of this season’s death. Dallas is starting Boise State’s rejected offspring Kellen Moore while Rex Ryan is rolling with anyone who can stand on two feet—that he’s personally inspected with his tongue and a glass of milk. Buffalo has the better QB with Tyrod Taylor and that’s pretty much all that matters.

Win: Buffalo Bills

49ers @ Lions

Two sorry excuses for NFL franchises in the same shitty state of disrepair. These poor fans.

Win: Detroit Lions

Texans @ Titans

It’s Brandon Weeden vs. Zach Mettenberger! I can’t believe I’m taking a team relying on Brandon Weeden to move the ball, but Tennessee’s supporting cast is truly pathetic. This year’s playoffs will be populated with far too many miserable, undeserving teams like the Houston Texans.

Win: Houston Texans

Browns @ Chiefs

Cleveland has nothing to play for while Kansas City may backdoor their way into playoffs if the Broncos continue self-destructing. Alex Smith is making a killing throwing 5-yard check-down passes and handing off to whatever fast little running back the Chiefs are currently employing. Smith’s middling career is what Johnny Manziel ultimately aspires to so he can continue his day-drinking.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Colts @ Dolphins

Every part of Matt Hasselback’s broken down ass is injured or at least sore, but 17% of a 40-year-old Matt Hasselback is better than Chaz Whitehurst. No one wants to witness the return of Clipboard Jesus. Miami is a sloppy mess as well, but a healthy Ryan Tannehill gives the Dolphins the advantage.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Patriots @ Jets

Fuck Tom Brady. Todd Bowles has provided the Jets with a competent head coach for once, but these are largely still the same Jets. Ryan Fitzpatrick gives New York a puncher’s chance. However, this is the type of game where Fitzy throws 3 interceptions while the Jets offense settles for field goals.

Win: New England Patriots

Bears @ Buccaneers

If any team should know the secret to exploiting the Tampa 2 defense, it should be Lovie Smith’s former employer. I wouldn’t trust Jay Cutler to valet my car, but even he should be able to dink-and-dunk his way to success against a conservative zone coverage scheme. However, I probably trust Jameis Winston just as much as Jay Cutler at this point. I wouldn’t be shocked to see Crab Legs devour the Bears.

Win: Chicago Bears

Steelers @ Ravens

Matt Schaub, Jimmy Clausen, or Ryan Mallett? Which slow and painful death do you want?

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Jaguars @ Saints

Blake Bortles, Fantasy Football Savior. With a juicy matchup against the Saints, this could be a prime opportunity to nationally welcome Blake Bortles to the next stage in the NFL QB hierarchy.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Packers @ Cardinals

Easily the best matchup of the week. I almost always support Aaron Rodgers in big games, but Green Bay has struggled all season. With the Packers on the road and still having difficulty achieving consistency, the Arizona Cardinals should be able to take advantage of a conference rival at home in the desert. Losing Tyrann Mathieu to another knee injury could do unspeakable damage to Arizona’s defense. Aaron Rodgers could win this by himself, but the Cardinals have a considerable amount of depth with rookie RB David Johnson invoking a new level of explosiveness into the offense.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Rams @ Seahawks

Jeff Fisher’s chinbelly is somehow surviving his perpetual mediocrity. In hindsight, he’s a perfect representation of St. Louis and that crumbling city of staunch conservatives. Please let the Rams put together an improbable performance with Case Keenum, Nick Foles, or whoever the fuck is handing the ball off to Todd Gurley. But I can never be happy so we’re assured of Seattle sleepwalking into the playoffs.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Giants @ Vikings

OBJ Think

No OBJ around to object to the end of the Giants season. This is the type of game where Teddy Bridgewater constantly maneuvers the Vikings offense into quality field position. Whether they can convert touchdowns or settle for field goals is a different story. With little reason for a motivated finish, Minnesota should wipe the floor with the Giants lacking their fiery emotional core and leader in annoyingly awful hair.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Bengals @ Broncos

Brock Ock can’t stop from tripping over his own awkward feet. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning’s broken foot hasn’t healed, which likely keeps him on the bench even if the Broncos make the playoffs. Cincinnati is without Andy Dalton, but human douche nozzle A.J. McCarron squeaked out enough juice for a Bengals victory last week. Although Denver’s defense hasn’t performed to the elite level most seem to expect, the Broncos should be able to put together enough points to outlast Cincinnati.

Win: Denver Broncos

Overall: 128-80
Last Week: 10-6

Buccaneers @ Rams

This could and should be the last game the Rams play in St. Louis, which is a shithole of appropriate proportions. It’s not quite at the epic status of Cleveland or any other city in Ohio, but St. Louis is on the fast track to that fate if they publicly finance a stadium for this awful football team. The economic impact from a publicly financed stadium is negligible. With 8 home games a year, a stadium paid for by taxpayers isn’t going to suddenly bring in a boatload of money or create meaningful jobs. Billionaires are billionaires for a reason. Stan Kroenke and the NFL can afford to build their own stadium without having the public foot a large, substantial portion of the bill. It’s all about city pride. It will say a lot about St. Louis if they give in and let the NFL force them to finance an ugly new venue in their old ugly city. The Rams suck and have sucked for so long. Just let them go. You can’t convince me people truly care about this franchise.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Jets @ Cowboys

Have we seen the last of Jason Garrett in Dallas? You can’t blame the ginger for having Brandon Weeden as his backup QB (unless he campaigned in solidarity with his orange-haired brethren), but the Cowboys’ inability to play football without Tony Romo has been very apparent. After years of sticking with Garrett and reducing his responsibilities, Jerry Jones gave him Brandon Weeden and Matt Cassell as QB depth while also sabotaging the coach’s authority by signing Greg Hardy and making excuses every week for why he’s an asshole. Now Sean Payton is set to be a FA coach and a reunion with the Cowboys makes as much sense as anything else. I still think Payton will settle in popping pills on South Beach, but I wouldn’t be surprised by anything—including Johnny Manziel joining his hometown Cowboys.

Win: New York Jets

Texans @ Colts

Any time Clipboard Jesus has an actual opportunity to enter the game, then you know the Colts are in serious trouble. Indianapolis still doesn’t have Andrew Luck back and their defense continues to somehow get worse. Now there’s a realistic chance the Texans or even Jaguars could win the AFC South. What a clusterfuck of an NFL season. Can we just fast forward to the championship games?

Win: Houston Texans

Bears @ Vikings

Minnesota can’t upset the likes of Green Bay or Arizona, but the Vikings should pillage the village of Chicago and maul the Bears. When Jay Cutler sees his breath in the cold air this time of year, it just reminds him how he would rather be chain-smoking cigarettes than playing football.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Titans @ Patriots

Fuck Tom Brady. Even in an alternate universe, New England is not losing to the Tennessee Titans.

Win: New England Patriots

Panthers @ Giants

Carolina is rolling and has a genuine opportunity to end the regular season undefeated. It makes no sense to select the Giants as the team to end the streak. But Eli can get hot and Odell Beckham could demolish everyone in the Panthers secondary—including semi-god Josh Norman. Jonathan Stewart is injured, which could seriously threaten Carolina’s ability to move the ball without Cam Newton. Of course, Black Superman could just punish New York on the ground by himself. It won’t be a popular pick, but I’ll go with dumb luck and hope this is the week where I catch the Giants on the winning side of the teeter-totter. Admit it, you would prefer to see that beady-eyed, tattered old teddy bear Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning in the playoffs than Jon Gruden’s fat, angry dysfunctional brother and Kirk Cousins.

Win: New York Giants

Bills @ Redskins

Washington is nothing special. They are a team made of Wonderbread—perfectly bland and boring, just like their milquetoast QB. The Redskins making the playoffs would be the worst thing that could happen for the NFC East. At least the Giants and Eagles are mildly interesting. Let’s collectively put our hopes into the Bills pulling off this road win against those Redskins. Of course, we all know this will end with Rex Ryan crying on the sidelines with his foot in his mouth while his team commits hari-kari via penalties.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Falcons @ Jaguars

In fantasy news no one cares about: I started the season with Tony Romo, Le’Veon Bell, C.J. Anderson, and Jimmy Graham—now I’m in the playoffs with Blake Bortles, DeAngelo Williams, David Johnson, and Antonio Gates. Blake Bortles has single-handedly carried fantasy teams down the playoffs stretch. It doesn’t matter if he’s actually any good. People will now give him a Philip Rivers-esque pass because he’s helped thousands of fantasy teams, which of course ends in Week 16 so even the end of the regular season doesn’t matter. The Jaguars could faceplant here against a surprisingly awful Atlanta Falcons team and no one would care unless Blake Bortles doesn’t deliver 20+ fantasy points.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Chiefs @ Ravens

If Brock Osweiler continues to play like his evil vampire twin Robert Pattinson, Kansas City has a serious chance to win the division. The Chiefs just have to avoid the dreaded Andy Reid game where he falls over himself in crucial moments of time management. Meanwhile, the Ravens suck so much that they might put Matt Schaub behind center without being 100%. When the alternatives are Jimmy Clausen and newly signed Ryan Mallett, it’s simply a choice between which turd is the best. Just let each QB play a quarter and then the best performer takes the reigns in the last quarter. Beyond blind luck, I don’t give the Ravens much of a chance even at home in the cozy confines of Bal’more a.k.a. Murder City.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Packers @ Raiders

Oakland is as feisty as their head coach Jack Del Rio. But this is a game where Aaron Rodgers should dominate the Raiders defense for an easy victory. Green Bay’s defense isn’t exceptional by any means, but the Packers should post enough point for it to make no difference. I expect the greatest quarterback playing to perform better against this team than Twilight imposter Brock Osweiler.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Browns @ Seahawks

Well John Football fared substantially better than I expected, but can that continue in Seattle against the Seahawks? No fucking way. Russell Wilson will cheese his way to 30 points against this broken Browns team despite having no Marshawn Lynch or Thomas Rawls running the ball. Proving even further that Seattle did not need to lose one of their only good linemen for Jimmy Graham. They didn’t even have a clue how to use him properly anyway. Now this annoying hipster Michael Myers is coming back again.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Broncos @ Steelers

Brock Stop

Sadly, Peyton Manning might never return to football. With a busted foot (where the remedy for plantar fasciitis is breaking the arch), we aren’t likely to see a healthy Peyton capable of returning for the playoffs. And the Broncos may not be able to reach the playoffs anyway if Brock Osweiler continues to perform like dogshit. Could Robert Pattinson at least act like a better quarterback? Unlikely. Denver’s temperamental defense will be exposed this week for their lack of discipline against the Steelers. I fully expect Pittsburgh to struggle, but ultimately execute better than the Broncos on offense.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Dolphins @ Chargers

Ryan Tannehill against Philip Rivers. What a miserable watch. I’ve never trusted any San Diego running backs since LaDainian Tomlinson, but apparently Melvin Gordon hasn’t even scored a touchdown this year. Both of these teams are pathetic, but Miami has a slight advantage in terms of healthy talent. I wouldn’t be surprised if Rivers pulls a 3-TD performance out of his ass though.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Bengals @ 49ers

The Andy Dalton thumbs up photo last week was the mark of the beast. I just thought it was a funny picture. Apparently, it had the power to doom Andy Dalton and possibly the Bengals playoff chances by injuring his…thumb! I’m not getting enough credit for this voodoo. Cincinnati now turns to A.J. McCarron. While I don’t trust Blaine Gabbert, I would prefer to ride with my homeboy Jim Tomsula than trust that Alabama douche nozzle salesman. I bet Jim Tomsula has 100 different uses for douche nozzles. I’d love to hear the story about how he killed a bear with a douche nozzle.

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Cardinals @ Eagles

Charlie Kelly cannot get out of his own way. The Eagles have no idea how to use DeMarco Murray and Kelly’s vanilla offensive scheme is useless without playmakers. The up-tempo pace has only proven to tire out the Eagles defense, which doesn’t need any help in terms of being bad. Arizona should dominate this game. In fact, if the Cardinals struggle, that should be indicative of larger concerns for Arizona’s hopes of a deep playoff run. Philadelphia is not a team that should pose a problem to a championship contender.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Lions @ Saints

What a great Monday Night Football matchup. Two QBs people used to think were good but are not any longer—for different reasons. A mishmash of generic running backs that you couldn’t find a great duo even if you combined the teams. Two shitty defenses and an overall lack of playmaking talent. Ugh, who would watch this outside of Detroit and New Orleans? Drew Brees is near the end of his line, but I’d put more faith in Brees than Matthew Stafford and his giant jaw.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Overall: 118-74
Last Week: 10-6

Vikings @ Cardinals

We all know who Minnesota is as a team and what you can count on them to do. The Vikings are competent against equal or lesser teams, but they cannot rise to the occasion against the elite. You know the Packers would beat them last week. You know the Cardinals will beat them this week. In big games, Minnesota turtles back into their shell with a conservative game plan. They’ll do something stupid like keep Adrian Peterson on the bench for long stretches of the game or run him out of the shotgun formation. Teddy Bridgewater is decent, but he can’t carry the Vikings without collapsing. Mike Zimmer and Norv Turner know that too and the imposed restrictions are evident. With the surprising amount of speed on Minnesota’s offense, it’s a shame the Vikings didn’t give someone like Tyrod Taylor a chance because their best asset (game-breaking speed) can’t be exploited with Bridgewater’s lack of an arm. Look at the Cardinals this game and salivate at how Bruce Arians takes advantage of guys like John Brown, J.J. Nelson, and David Johnson with Carson Palmer. It is a thing of beauty in the NFL.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Redskins @ Bears

I’ve lost track—or never tried keeping track in the first place—whether both of these teams are technically still in the playoff hunt. I believe the Bears have finally proven their middling status, but the Redskins are likely alive because of their dogshit division. Kirk Cousins is not a good quarterback, but he operates Jay Gruden’s shitty system at an okay efficiency. That’s enough for the Redskins’ racist fan base to proclaim him the greatest QB. Their motto should be, “Anyone but RG Knee!” This point in the season is typically when Jay Cutler can’t stop thinking about going home so he can drink himself to sleep and ignore his annoying wife and screaming kids. As always, Jay Cutler is a miserable prick.

Win: Washington Redskins

Steelers @ Bengals

Dalton Thumbs Up

In a slate of awful liquid garbage, this Pittsburgh-Cincinnati divisional matchup is probably the best game. Too bad I hate both teams. The Steelers are entertaining to watch offensively—even if they do have a rapist at QB. And the Bengals entrust Andy Dalton with their team’s welfare, which is why they’ve earned an early exit every year in the playoffs. I think this game will serve as evidence for yet another premature departure for Cincinnati. It’s mandatory for everything and everyone in Ohio to suck.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

49ers @ Browns

As I predicted last week, the Austin Davis Experience lasted all of one game. Cleveland lost a game of evaluating Johnny Manziel because they were too proud to backtrack after booting his ass from starting once that whole scandal hit. But in all likelihood, we know this shit doesn’t matter. Mike Pettine and the coaching staff made their evaluation of Johnny Manziel, and their opinion has been widely known for a while. Either crazy ol’ Jimmy Haslam fires yet another head coach and searches for a puppet regime to give John Football one more undeserved opportunity…or they trade Manziel to the Cowboys for a futile late future draft pick. I have no idea what the hell is going to happen, but there is no way that both Pettine and Manziel return to their prospective positions together next year. The Browns are actually making the 49ers look like a competent franchise. And they have a hobo as a head coach!

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Chargers @ Chiefs

Philip Rivers is sick with the flu. The diseased state of San Diego’s roster must have finally gotten to poor Phil. Or maybe one of his 17 children is sick and infected him. Regardless, the Chargers were not likely to come away with a road win at Arrowhead Stadium. Andy Reid delighted in killing fantasy teams with the timeshare between Charcandrick West and Spencer Ware. But they could probably pull Larry Johnson out of retirement and he could run for 100 yards—diaper and all. Alex Smith still sucks and Kansas City is an easy choice to bet against in the first round of the playoffs. We’ve watched this story before.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Lions @ Rams

Everyone seems to think this is the end for Jeff Fisher in St. Louis. Perhaps. Have the Rams ever had a good QB since Kurt Warner? Marc Bulger doesn’t count—he was merely decent. Jeff Fisher should be held responsible for that most recent stretch of QBs with mediocre ceilings. But can you imagine St. Louis with a good quarterback? Although they’ve done it with some questionable character, the Rams have a solid roster and a huge potential star in Todd Gurley. Give them Matt Stafford and you might see a 10-6 playoff team. In fact, can we just combine these two teams? St. Louis would give them a great defense upgraded by Detroit’s playmakers and you put Todd Gurley on the Lions offense with Stafford and Calvin Johnson. I’ll take that team to destroy anyone in the NFC East. The Lions should devour the Rams who might be in the process of quitting on their coach and defensive coordinator—sleazy villain-looking Gregg Williams.

Win: Detroit Lions

Titans @ Jets

I picked against the Titans last week and they burned me again. Let’s go for two! I cannot predict what either of these two awful franchises will do. If I could predict a tie, I would because that makes perfect sense. The Jets at least have a willingness to spend even if it means they are still terrible. Look at them overpay to bring back Darrelle Revis—not so surprisingly just in time to experience his full decline phase. And then you have Antonio Cromarte and his 29 kids farting around the stadium. I’ll take that over Tennessee’s no-name roster. I think of them literally as Marcus Mariota and a CFL team.

Win: New York Jets

Bills @ Eagles

What would you do with a RB that led the league in carries and production last year who calls you up in the offseason and sells himself to you? It’s a hefty contract and the player’s style doesn’t fit with your offensive philosophy. When his production predictably slips and he personally pulls the owner aside to complain about you, how would you handle the situation? Well, apparently Charlie Kelly has decided to demote DeMarco Murray to 4th string for this prime matchup against his former RB who has publicly called him a racist. Good media relations is not Charlie Kelly’s strong suit. It has become abundantly clear that Chip is not long for the NFL. His team has given up on him because he treats them like cyborgs who should never break down or fail to execute his idiotic scheme that just wants more plays as soon as possible. It doesn’t matter if those plays aren’t good and lead to losing possessions. More, more, more! Somehow, inexplicably the Eagles are still in the division race because the NFC East is just the worst. Benching DeMarco Murray and another back-breaking loss might finally lead to Philadelphia fans storming the stadium with torches and pitchforks. Unless the Eagles fire him, I expect Charlie Kelly to stick around for the paycheck. Like Marsellus Wallace said, “Pride only hurts, it never helps.” Enjoy what you deserve, Philly.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Saints @ Buccaneers

What a shit show. Brandon Browner is unjustifiably insane. Despite being terrible and getting burned on countless plays, he’s still convinced himself that he’s good. It’s sad. And last week, he had the audacity to get up in his defensive coordinator’s face. New Orleans probably still has more talent, but their organization is in shambles and everyone knows Sean Payton is orchestrating his exit—most likely, to pop pills in South Beach. Jameis Winston should just target whoever is being covered by Brandon Browner for the easiest 5-TD game he’ll ever have. They did put up a fight against Carolina last week as I thought, but New Orleans is on its last legs before the shitstorm hits this offseason.

Win: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Falcons @ Panthers

Division opponents might be Carolina’s toughest test. But their divisional competition sucks. Atlanta has arguably regressed more with the firing of Mike Smith and hiring of Dan Quinn. The Falcons’ offense used to be special with the threat of big plays. Moronically, Kyle Shanahan refuses to take advantage of Julio Jones downfield. Atlanta’s defense hasn’t been impressive and they’re not suddenly transforming into the Legion of Boom just because of Dan Quinn. Expect Cam Newton to continue to play with a giant smile plastered across his face while he laughs in the face of opponents. You cannot touch this.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Colts @ Jaguars

This is just as bad as Saints-Bucs and Titans-Jets. When is Andrew Luck back? Last week’s Matt Hasselback injury gave everyone the friendly reminder that Chaz Whitehurst is still around. Yep, the Colts have Clipboard Jesus and it might be time to turn to him as your savior. Of course, that always means losing every game because Whitehurst is terrible. He loves churning out paychecks as an NFL backup. Being thrust into action exposes Whitehurst’s grift. As much as I enjoyed Blake Bortles’ offensive explosion last week, I don’t trust him to put together back-to-back good performances.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Seahawks @ Ravens

Jimmy Clausen Alert! Remember when Jimmy Clausen started against Seattle earlier this year and the Bears didn’t manage to do anything other than punt? And Chicago had offensive talent. Everyone intentionally broke something on the Ravens offense so they could go home and get the hell away from Baltimore. Matt Schaub broke his head last week! Watch out, we might see our first football decapitation live on TV this week. Would that make the Seattle Seahawks ISIS? Yes. Yes it would.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Raiders @ Broncos

I don’t trust Brock Osweiler and neither should the Broncos. For all the hullabaloo about how great Denver has been without Peyton Manning, Brock Osweiler has been predictably mediocre. With the support of incredibly stupid officiating decisions and several chances, Osweiler showed up when it was important late against the Patriots and the supporting cast propped him up on their shoulders. Denver isn’t winning because of Brock Osweiler. While it would probably be an important development opportunity, I think it would be a mistake to continue to start Brock Osweiler if Peyton Manning is healthy. Maybe Manning never gets healthy and it’s not a factor, but Denver has a higher ceiling with Peyton in his final season. He can still make the throws and put the team in the best position to win. I question whether you’ll see the first big crack in Osweiler’s armor this week against the Raiders. But the defense should still be good enough to carry the team and limit the opportunities for Oakland.

Win: Denver Broncos

Cowboys @ Packers

I kinda miss Brandon Weeden. At least with Weeden, the Cowboys were laughably bad. Now it’s just a boring, bland level of suckitude for Dallas. It seems inevitable that we’ll see a Texas homecoming for John Football. Until then, we have to suffer through the comfortable mediocrity of Matt Cassell. Green Bay is a team with their own issues, but not at quarterback. Aaron Rodgers will continue to have his prime wasted by Green Bay’s inability to provide ample support—most importantly defensively, but offensively as well. Their insistence on sticking with Mike McCarthy and Dom Capers has resulted in the Packers only in position to win one Super Bowl. It’s the same thing the Colts did to Peyton Manning. At least Peyton had Edgerrin and Marvin. Aaron Rodgers has to win games by throwing a 70-yard hail mary to his distant cousin Roger Rodgers. He throws TDs to a homeless man wearing a hoodie under his jersey!

Win: Green Bay Packers

Patriots @ Texans

Fuck Tom Brady. Remarkably mediocre is how Brady looks without that monster polar bear manhandling everyone. Unfortunately, it appears Gronk has now been given the regenerative powers of Wolverine because he may be back already. Hopefully that polar bear bites J.J. Watt’s other hand off. With one broken hand, how will J.J. Watt masturbate to Victoria Secret’s supermodel runway show? Unless Brady gets snapped in half, there is no way Belicheat is losing to Bill O’Brien.

Win: New England Patriots

Giants @ Dolphins

The Giants must have buried Tom Coughlin in the Pet Sematary. He is an unstoppable killing machine that cannot be reasoned with—ever since he came back from the dead. Tom Coughlin is unnatural, which must be why his face gets so red and weathered when exposed to the elements. If Dan Campbell stormed across the field and invaded the New York sidelines to punch Tom Coughlin in the face, I’m pretty sure the old man would disintegrate into dust and transform back into his bodily form across the field to taunt Campbell. This year has been yet another underwhelming, disappointing season for the Giants with plenty of speculation whether this is the end for Tom Coughlin. Rest assured, we’ll see his ass again next year freezing to death and becoming a human popsicle like Jack in The Shining. A win down in Miami might actually help New York separate just enough from the rest of the NFC East.

Win: New York Giants

Overall: 108-68
Last Week: 8-8

Packers @ Lions

Detroit pulled off the improbable upset against Green Bay at Lambeau earlier this year during Week 10. The Lions aren’t sweeping this season series. But something is clearly wrong with the Packers. Injuries aside, this underperformance might finally lead to the ousting of Mike McCarthy. Only the cheapness of the Packers is likely to save him—couple with yet another injury excuse. Fat Elvis is leaving the building!

Win: Green Bay Packers

Texans @ Bills

Buffalo has taken on the identity of Rex Ryan very early. The Bills are an undisciplined mess that garners flags on every other play. This is the team that took in Richie Not So Incognito with open arms. It’s easy to forget because he’s injured (shocker!), but the Bills also brought in well-known cancer Percy Harvin into their locker room. Thankfully Percy chucked up the deuces and bailed as soon as he got hurt again. Harvin is a diminutive 5’11” guy that is such a Bad Mother Fucker that basically the entire NFL fears him—in a personal sense, not actually on the field anymore. He probably had to remove himself from the situation before he just started cold-cocking guys because they suck so much. I don’t believe in Houston’s resurgence, but it’s clear dumping Ryan Mallett was the right choice. Enjoy your “defensive struggle” that’s really two shitty offensive teams struggling to score touchdowns.

Win: Buffalo Bills

49ers @ Bears

The Tomsula

Jim Harbaugh is long gone, but there’s somehow still drama in San Francisco’s front office. If Jim Tomsula is looking at you and shaking his head in disapproval, then you know you did something wrong. Typically, Jim Tomsula is just happy to have a roof over his head and an office to sleep at every night. But this is a man of high character that won’t stand for the public (and probably rightful) character assassination and shaming of Colin Kaepernick. That type of good guy probably isn’t long for the NFL. I believe there’s a mandate that you can only be a head coach if you’re an angry, miserable prick.

Win: Chicago Bears

Bengals @ Browns

Josh McCown’s season-ending broken collarbone was like the final Jenga block toppling the unstable, wavering tower. It was pretty much bound to happen, and most people are shocked it wasn’t earlier in the season when McCown helicoptered running the ball. Instead of turning back to John Football with their tails tucked between their legs, the Browns are starting Austin Davis this week against the in-state rival Bengals—and will probably then start Manziel next week. That’s so Cleveland.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Jaguars @ Titans

I’m still holding out hope for Chip Kelly trading himself to the Titans. It’s the only way Tennessee will ever be interesting. I hate both of these teams and anyone who watches this game is doing it for BDSM purposes. Why would you torture yourself with this unwatchable game?

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Cardinals @ Rams

Is there a point that Jeff Fisher could reach where he gets fired? Or is Stan Kroenke too concerned with moving the Rams to Los Angeles as soon as fucking possible? I’m going to side with that option because Fisher’s run with the Rams has been boring and ordinary—not unlike his Titans reign. But St. Louis has worn down Fisher into a run-of-the-mill miserable prick NFL head coach. I miss jovial Jeff Fisher who did crazy things like reveal he’s wearing a Peyton Manning jersey under his suit at some dumb Tony Dungy function. Now Fisher is so jaded and unhappy that his planning this week was throwing darts with Gregg Williams at a picture of Carson Palmer’s knees while laughing maniacally.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Ravens @ Dolphins

We have a Matt Schaub sighting! People are arguing over whether there is a systemic problem underlying the lack of quality quarterbacks at the NFL level. This season and especially over the last few weeks, fans have been subjected to the awful play of Jimmy Clausen, Brandon Weeden, Ryan Mallet, Landry Jones, Matt Cassell, Blaine Gabbert, Case Keenum, and now Matt Schaub. Nope, no problem at all. Move along. Nothing to see here. Maybe Schaub will be so bad that Baltimore turns to their new backup: Jimmy Clausen!

Win: Miami Dolphins

Seahawks @ Vikings

Perhaps Jimmy Graham’s kneecap flying off is the best thing for the Seahawks offense. Russell Wilson can go back to his 20-step drops running around and throwing it to some guy who no one can name. As I said, Seattle is the fucking hipster Michael Myers. Please, someone kill the Seahawks. I don’t want to see this team in the playoffs again. But since my inability to be happy combined with Minnesota’s long illustrious career of sucking and choking, the Vikings will find a way to lose this game. Give Adrian Peterson a long switch and let him go to work. Thanks for making me root for the child abuser!

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Jets @ Giants

I don’t know how this technically a road or home game for either team since they share the same stadium. Neither franchise is fielding a healthy team right now, and they’ll both be satisfied if they don’t leave with more injuries. Welcome to an exciting game of attrition. Yeah, let’s go ahead and add more games to the schedule so we can all be bored out of our minds while backup QBs duel to the death. Brock Ock stuck the first spear into the side of the Patriots last week, but I’m still holding out for the miraculous Giants playoff run that results in an Eli Manning victory and a crying Tom Brady.

Win: New York Giants

Falcons @ Buccaneers

Atlanta already lost to Jameis Winston once this year, right? That can’t possibly happen again. Is Kyle Shanahan the anti-Christ? We still have no idea if Matt Ryan is actually good, but the Falcons are hamstringing Matt Icy Hot by not even dialing up deep throws downfield. Someone needs to shake Shanahan to remind him he doesn’t have Robert Griffin III or Johnny Manziel as his quarterback any longer and that Julio Jones can catch whatever is thrown his way. Atlanta shouldn’t be this bad.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Chiefs @ Raiders

Every time I think the Raiders have turned the corner, they spit in my face and show their true colors. I want to believe Derek Carr is good and Amari Cooper will be a game-changer. But Oakland is still coached by Jack Del Rio, so how good can they be? Man-Walrus Andy Reid doesn’t exactly inspire confidence either, but nearly anyone can run the ball successfully for the Chiefs. Alex Smith will never gain my full trust, but Travis Kelce and Jeremy Maclin have been suitable threats to run after catching short passes. Andy Reid may not be a great NFL head coach. You can’t deny his superb acting in Tusk, though.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Broncos @ Chargers

Congratulations, the NFL referees beat the New England Patriots last week! And I’m a fan of the Broncos. How the end of that game was bumbled was laughable. Sure, there aren’t any officiating issues. To the credit of Denver, C.J. Anderson has looked incredibly different these last few weeks and he just punished the Patriots on the ground. Brock Ock was unstable and will kill the Broncos if Peyton isn’t healthy enough to start in the playoffs. I wouldn’t be shocked if Philip Rivers pulls another improbable performance out of his ass this week, but San Diego is so decimated that Denver should dominate.

Win: Denver Broncos

Eagles @ Patriots

Seriously, fuck Tom Brady. Look at how mediocre Brady was as soon as Gronkowski’s knee bent backwards. It doesn’t matter how many mediocre white wide receivers got hurt. But as soon as that monstrous polar bear stops manhandling everyone, Brady turns back into his unspectacular self. Unfortunately, the national narrative already latched onto the injury bug excuse. Make no mistake, Gronk is the on-field difference-maker. It’s not Brady. Gronk throws linemen to the side as their best run blocker and he’s too damn big for anyone to cover when he runs to catch a pass. When people were shoveling dirt on Brady, it was because Gronk was hurt. Now, the Patriots get to beat the shit out of an Eagles team that’s already given up on Chip Kelly. So we can all look forward to the media fawning over Brady managing to win without anyone to catch his passes. If I were to break down the responsibility of success for the New England: Bill Belichick (65%); Rob Gronkowski (25%); Tom Brady (10%).

Win: New England Patriots

Panthers @ Saints

The Carolina Panthers are the last undefeated team standing. It still feels weird to hear that. At some point, the Panthers will falter and a division game against that Saints is a potential pitfall. The familiarity might make things seem closer, but Carolina is considerably more talented and momentum is in their favor. Cam Newton should pick apart the awful New Orleans defense for yet another win.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Colts @ Steelers

Matt Hasselback is not an unbeatable force. Pittsburgh is a much more formidable foe for Indianapolis than the junk they’ve been cycling through recently. Even with as many injuries as the Steelers have sustained, Pittsburgh is packed with so much offensive talent that their No. 3 WR dominated the Seahawks. Mike Tomlin would be wise to run DeAngelo Williams’ old legs into the ground because the Colts still can’t stop the run and their secondary is overmatched against Rapistberger.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Cowboys @ Redskins

I know the deadline passed, but can’t we trade Johnny Manziel to the Cowboys now? It’s an inevitable failed marriage. At least it will make these painfully mediocre Cowboys more entertaining. I can’t believe the Redskins might be the benefactor of a historically bad NFC East. With Kirk Cousins, nevertheless! YOU LIKE THAT!!! No, I don’t like that. Please stop yelling at me, Kirk.

Win: Washington Redskins