Posts Tagged ‘Buffalo Bills’

Overall: 88-44
Last Week: 7-6

Bills @ Jets

Rex Ryan can never shut the fuck up. Just try and stop him from putting his foot in his mouth. All week, Rex has been busy making this game all about his return to New York and then chastising the media because they’re making it all about him. It’s like Rex is whipping his dick out and yelling at people for looking at his dick. I hate Rex Ryan so much. Regardless of how much weight he loses, Rex will always be the same loud fat idiot. There is no justice in the NFL if the Jets lose to this asshole.

Win: New York Jets

Lions @ Packers

Aaron Rodgers is not losing at Lambeau against the Lions.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Panthers @ Titans

Fuck the Titans. Seriously, I have no idea what this team is doing on a week-to-week basis. Carolina should clobber Tennessee, which means the Mariota will pull off a miracle upset. It’s Mularkey.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Bears @ Rams

Jay Cutler is playing just well enough for Chicago to stick with him one more season. Congratulations, Bears fans. Expect Smokin’ Jay to show why he’s such an insufferable prick after St. Louis picks him off a couple times. Let’s hope the Rams can win without killing Wes Welker in his 2015 debut.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Dolphins @ Eagles

Could the Eagles actually win the NFC East? Philadelphia will face a challenge with the newly minted tough-nose Dolphins. Does smash mouth football beat a finesse volume offense? The Eagles might be putting things together by utilizing multiple tight ends to help their struggling offensive line.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Browns @ Steelers

Johnny Manziel vs. Landry Jones! This ain’t your grandpa’s NFL!

Win: Cleveland Browns

Cowboys @ Buccaneers

Is Tony Romo back yet? Dallas’ downward spiral has entered full-on tailspin mode. If the Cowboys can’t overcome the Buccaneers, then who can they beat?

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Saints @ Redskins

Watch out, New Orleans is nearing a return to respectability. The same will never be said about Dan Snyder.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Jaguars @ Ravens

With Andrew Luck’s lacerated kidney, Blake Bortles has a legitimate chance to win the AFC South. In any other year, it would be a total joke to think Jacksonville could upset the Ravens at home in Baltimore. Without any healthy receivers and Baltimore’s talent-deficiencies in several areas, it’s no longer an upset for Jacksonville to pull off the road win. All aboard the Bortles Hype Train. Choo-choo!

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Vikings @ Raiders

We’re certain Teddy Bridgewater is alright after having his brains bashed into the ground last week? I’m not so sure. Oakland is rolling right now, and I’d rather side with Derek Carr at home than Teddy Ballgame on the road. Jack Del Rio is a perfect fit as head coach of the Raiders.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Chiefs @ Broncos

Is this finally the first time the Kansas City Chiefs beat Peyton Manning since he’s been with the Denver Broncos? Peyton has been vulnerable all year, but Manning has made the necessary throws to win most of their games. With Denver’s defense playing at an all-time high when they’re not poking out opponent’s eyes, the Broncos should be able to take care of business against the pop-gun Kansas City attack.

Win: Denver Broncos

Patriots @ Giants

Helmet Catch

Stick to the script. We need a close, competitive game that the Patriots win. After waltzing through the regular season undefeated, New England will once again meet the New York Giants in the Super Bowl.

Win: New England Patriots

Cardinals @ Seahawks

I want nothing more than the Cardinals to clobber the Seahawks in Seattle to shut the 12th Man up once and for all…for this year. Since I can’t ever be happy, the Seahawks will find a way to actually incorporate Jimmy Graham in their offense just in time to turn into an unstoppable force for a playoff run. Arizona needs to strike the death blow now. I have a bad feeling that the Cardinals could lose Carson Palmer for a stretch if this game turns ugly in the rainy, muddy slop.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Texans @ Bengals

Cincinnati is suddenly at juggernaut status in the AFC. Wouldn’t it be hilarious to see them lose in primetime to Brian Hoyer and the Texans? I am actively rooting for that scenario.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

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Overall: 81-38
Last Week: 9-5

Browns @ Bengals

Josh McCown is hurt so John Football is the starting QB for the Browns on the road against one of the toughest teams in the AFC. That’s not a recipe for success for Cleveland. Then again, Cleveland should be used to the bitter taste of defeat by now. I don’t like Johnny Manziel. I don’t think he’ll amount to anything more than Doug Flutie at the end of his career—not good enough to start but capable of keeping his team competitive if he’s forced into action mid-game. Doesn’t Cleveland need to start Manziel the rest of this year just to make sure he’s as limited as they seem to think? Josh McCown is best as a Dolph Lundgren impersonator at this point. Just give into your destiny of suckitude, Cleveland. Ohio is a shithole.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Dolphins @ Bills

Are we sure this game isn’t in London? I have no idea who is healthy on the Bills roster. I think Percy Harvin has turtle AIDS in his hip and I believe someone bit Sammy Watkins’s Achilles heel. All that matters is whether or not E.J. Manuel is playing. That guy is terrible in every language and in every country. I had to look it up, but apparently Tyrod Taylor will be back this week for Buffalo. Everyone was riding the testosterone-fueled Dolphins bandwagon (being pulled by Dan Campbell sprinting and clutching a rope in his teeth) up until New England tore Miami a new asshole. The Dolphins are the same Dolphins, but it does make a difference having a real human being coaching as opposed to the failed android incapable of emotion that was Joe Philbin. When the Dolphins fired Joe Philbin, they just flipped his off switch and stored him in the janitor’s closet for future use. That android is only good for mopping floors.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Rams @ Vikings

These two teams are evenly matched in every regard. Tiebreaker goes to the home team—even though the Rams may be slightly better, St. Louis is abysmal on the road. It’s Foles vs. Bridgewater time, folks!

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Redskins @ Patriots

Kirk Cousins was positively giddy after completing that comeback two weeks ago. Unfortunately, that upset came against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This week, Kirk Cousins gets the pleasure of being dissected and destroyed by Bill Belichick. The Patriots should be embarrassed if they lose a regular season game. There is no way that’s happening at home—even Hell freezing over wouldn’t help with Dan Snyder involved.

Win: New England Patriots

Titans @ Saints

Typically, there’s a shit sandwich or two every week. But this is a special week. The NFL decided to open a smorgasbord of shit for Week 9. It’s a relative poo poo platter for everyone regardless of region or time of day. Ken Whisenhunt already got fired less than 2 years into Tennessee’s awful decision to hire him in the first place. Still, nobody cares. Can some corrupt shit conspire to either get Mariota to the Eagles or Chip Kelly to the Titans? I don’t like Chip Kelly, but if we’re going to have him in the NFL, then I want to see his ridiculous scheme run by someone who has familiarity and talent—rather than the revolving door of mediocrity running rampant in Philadelphia. On the sideline opposite Tennessee, New Orleans is no longer an elite or even above-average tame. But the Saints are traveling back toward respectability and a loss to the new-fangled Titans would be Mularkey. The name’s Mularkey—Mike Mularkey.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Jaguars @ Jets

Let the feast of shit continue with Blake Bortles vs. Anyone But Geno Smith! The Jets are so determined to never let Geno Smith start again that they might seriously glue his pants to the bench. Ryan Fitzpatrick could lop off his thumb and New York would still have more faith in Mr. Harvard. Considering the instability at the QB position for the Jets, I feel almost compelled to take the Jaguars. Almost. While the Jaguars aren’t as Jaguars-y as before, I still don’t trust Jacksonville or Blake Bortles. If Ryan Fitzpatrick can’t throw the ball more than 10 yards, the Jets will just run the Wildcat the rest of the game.

Win: New York Jets

Raiders @ Steelers

The Raiders are much better than I or anyone else thought coming into the season. Has Jack Del Rio really turned this team around? Having watched Jack Del Rio and his leather jacket for several years, I find that hard to believe. But I think Derek Carr is that good—much better than his brother David could have ever dreamed of being at the NFL level. Le’Veon Bell is out this season after destroying his knee again last week, which should make Oakland the road favorite. As much as I would like to bury Pittsburgh, I don’t think this is the last we’ve heard from the Steelers. Much like Jason or Michael Myers, Rapistberger will keep slowly trudging forward and obliterating any obstacles that get in his way of cornering a drunk co-ed in the bathroom of a bar while his bodyguard acts as a lookout.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Packers @ Panthers

Well, that didn’t go very well for Green Bay last week. Aaron Rodgers is an All-World QB, but his supporting cast that’s still healthy isn’t quite up to that level. The Packers will probably struggle to get separation from Carolina as well this week, but I have to believe Green Bay learned something from the Broncos’ controlled demolition of their team. With an improved commitment to running and play-action to give Rodgers the room to tuck it or throw downfield, the Packers should be able produce points offensively against the Panthers. However, I question whether or not Green Bay can control Cam Newton and his gusto.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Falcons @ 49ers

Congratulations, we’ve reached the point in the season when Blaine Gabbert starts for an NFL team.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Giants @ Buccaneers

Eli Manning was unstoppable against New Orleans, but New York still found a way to lose. Fortunately, Jameis Winston is no Drew Brees. The Giants will continue their one step forward, one step back routine this week by getting back on the winning side against Crab Legs and the Buccaneers. Eli Manning is the Luke Skywalker that the universe needs to defeat Darth Brady and Emperor Belicheat.

Win: New York Giants

Broncos @ Colts

If Denver dismantled Aaron Rodgers, what is this Broncos defense capable of against Andrew Luck? Indianapolis nearly completed a miraculous comeback against Carolina, but Andrew Luck couldn’t stop himself from giving the game away. Instead of taking a sack or throwing the ball out of bounds, Luck has been bound and determined to loft up shitty pass after shitty pass. It makes no sense, and I can’t imagine that tendency suddenly stopping. The Broncos got on the right track running the ball right through Green Bay, and Denver should take advantage of Indianapolis’ shitty defense the exact same way. In a sense, it doesn’t matter what Peyton does on offense in this game. While you can’t count on a defensive touchdown, I would guarantee at least an interception and a handful of sacks as Andrew Luck and the Colts’ offense is stifled another week. But if Luck can get healthy and new offensive coordinator Rod Chudzinski can work his TE magic, then Indianapolis still has a chance to remain on top of the worst division in sports.

Win: Denver Broncos

Eagles @ Cowboys

Dallas nearly toppled the Seahawks last week, but that is more of an indictment on Seattle than an example of how close the Cowboys are to competing. Without Tony Romo, Dallas doesn’t stand a chance. Even in a dysfunctional division, Matt Cassell is not capable of consistency to the standard that Dallas requires with their supporting cast. But the Cowboys get a break with the Philadelphia Eagles coming into town. Philadelphia is aggressively awful. They still have no idea how to put their players in the best position for success, and I don’t think Chip Kelly is interested in learning anything new. This will be yet another sloppy, boring game that is so close that people will confuse themselves into believing it was actually a good game. That’s the bread-and-butter of the NFL. I know, we’ll call it…parity!

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Bears @ Chargers

Smokin' Jay's Smug Indifference

I hope Bears fans are happy knowing that Jay Cutler’s level of competence in Adam Gase’s new offense has probably bought him another year and one last chance in Chicago. Sound familiar? That was the same story with Marc Trestman before Cutler imploded. Why should this new situation be any different? Especially now that Matt Forte is on the tail end of his career and there isn’t another focal point in sight. Chicago should have held a fire sale and completely cleaned house in terms of personnel. The Chargers don’t exactly have a home-field advantage in San Diego, which plays to the benefit of the Bears. Despite all of San Diego’s injuries and overall dedication to mediocrity, the Chargers are still more talented than Chicago and will likely win by at least a touchdown. Let’s all sit back and watch Jay Cutler’s smug indifference against Philip Rivers’ whiny incredulous scowl on primetime. It’s MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!

Win: San Diego Chargers

Overall: 61-30
Last Week: 9-5

Seahawks @ 49ers

I would much rather watch Jim Tomsula regale me with stories of his vagabond days than watch the 49ers play the Seahawks. Don’t you want to know what it’s like to live under a bridge like a human troll? I guarantee Jim Tomsula’s post-game press conference will be more entertaining than this game. Colin Kaepernick may have a good season or two left in his career, but it’s not happening this year with this team. The question is out on whether Seattle is still great, and it will continue to go answered regardless of how this game unfolds. My money is on the Seahawks squeaking into the playoffs, but the defense isn’t as good and the offense has shown no signs of being able to carry the team.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Bills @ Jaguars

The Jaguars will get a boost from the home crowd…in London. Why the NFL keeps punishing fans of American football in England is beyond my comprehension. With Tyrod Taylor injured and out, the Bills will turn to E.J. Manuel against Blake Bortles. At least they’ll be some excitement with punters booming kicks in a boring battle of field position. Although Buffalo has the better defense, I assume the Jaguars will be able to move the ball better with their healthy full complement of players. I don’t care if this game is streaming for free on Yahoo! I’d rather ignore it or watch it illegally than give the NFL the satisfaction.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Vikings @ Lions

The NFL has officially lost its mind in terms of defining a catch. The league already has issues with the touchdown standards of catching vs. running in the end zone. Last week’s terrible Golden Tate call exemplifies the officiating problems. At least the call went Detroit’s way this time. Let’s hope it doesn’t cost a team in the playoffs again. The Lions needed help and a minor miracle to beat the befuddled Bears, but the sledding gets rougher and tougher against another division opponent with the Vikings. Teddy Bridgewater’s supporters have quieted as people have finally realized that a few games at the end of the year last season doesn’t indicate he’ll be any good this year. Maybe the same thing will happen again this year. But Minnesota doesn’t need Bridgewater to win the game by himself this week. As long as Teddy is steady and completes a handful of throws, the Vikings should be able to run the ball down the throat of the Lions and spank them into submission by taking a switch to their balls.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Falcons @ Titans

When I think the Titans will zig, Tenessee zags. I hate them. So much. I’ve given the Titans too much credit all year and now Marcus Mariota is out with a knee injury. Oh my God, that’s Zach Mettenberger’s music! Is it too early for Ken Whisenhunt to get fired? Of course, this is all building to a monumental home defense by Tennessee to upset the upstart Falcons. I hope not. I don’t think Atlanta is great and their hype is slowly fading, but the Falcons have to pummel and punish the Titans if they’re any good.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Saints @ Colts

New Orleans is trying to pick themselves off the mat and enter the competition for the NFC South. Although the Saints might close the gap with Atlanta and Carolina, New Orleans is not sniffing the playoffs and someone is going to pay for it. Could this be the end of the Sean Payton era? I think the finger is eventually pointed at Rob Ryan and he’ll point a big middle finger back after being cast out as the scapegoat. In terms of talent, these teams are equally matched. But the biggest difference between the Saints and Colts is that Indianapolis has a young QB on the rise while Drew Brees is desperately trying to cling to relevance in the NFL. When it goes, it goes quickly. We probably only have one more season left of Breezy and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him follow if Sean Payton decides to leave the Saints this offseason.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Steelers @ Chiefs

Who could have possibly guessed Charmander West wouldn’t have been any good in place of the injury Jamaal Charles? Charcandrick can’t carry this offense, which is bad news considering Alex Smith has never proven capable of that task in his life. Pittsburgh rose from the ashes last week to the dismay of the Arizona Cardinals. As soon as Michael Vick came out of the game, the Steelers started pouncing on the opposition. Landry Jones probably isn’t very good, but slightly below replacement level is still more valuable than Vick at this stage in his career. Kansas City will put up a fight at home and the Chiefs may be able to steal this game before Pittsburgh gets completely healthy with the return of Rapistberger. But I’ll side with Le’Veon Bell and the Steelers’ supporting cast over Alex Smith and no wonders.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Browns @ Rams

There are so many miserable things I’d rather do than watch this game. Josh McCown vs. Nick Foles is a matchup of mediocre white QBs that will scar young children for life out of sheer boredom. Cleveland against St. Louis is a prime example of how mind-numbingly dull and dreary everyday life is in the Midwest. No wonder Johnny Manziel is drinking himself to death. How else can he feel feelings? I guess I’ll go with the Rams in this game because they’re desperate enough to do anything to get out of St. Louis.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Texans @ Dolphins

I will happily admit I was wrong about the Dolphins. For some reason, Miami decided it did give a fuck last week. I don’t know why, but I hope it was because interim head coach Dan Campbell grabbed their balls and threatened to squeeze them in his vise grip. I’d certainly be afraid of Dan Campbell inflicting blunt force trauma to my testicles. It’s more fun for me to envision Saw-esque movie scenarios in which Dan Campbell maims his players into being motivated than it would be to watch an actual Dolphins game. This is a matchup that no one cares about on the national level. Don’t bother me with any Texans/Dolphins updates during the game that I’ll actually be watching. Unless a massive brawl breaks out between the two teams. I might be interested in watching the highlights in that case just to see how much damage Vince Wilfork can manage bouncing people off his belly. Wilfork would take out all 11 starters for Miami.

Vince Wilfork

Win: Miami Dolphins

Jets @ Patriots

Did I mention fuck Tom Brady yet? For the millionth time, everyone outside of New England hates the Patriots. Everyone should hate Tom Brady, but he skeazes his way because “he’s a winner”. Let us not forget that last year’s Super Bowl title was solely the result of Seattle’s fuck-up. The Patriots winning had zero to do with Brady and everything to do with the Seahawks choking themselves with both hands. Brady was on the sidelines when the game was decided—he does not get credit for a fluke. With every week that passes, my hatred for this team grows stronger. The dark side of the Force is strong in this one. If only I could Force Choke Tom Brady and crush Rob Gronkowski’s glass back with a swift kick to his dumb ass.

Win: New England Patriots

Buccaneers @ Redskins

This Sunday, it’s Jameis Winston vs. Kirk Cousins! Are we sure this isn’t Thursday Night Football? This game will probably be so sloppy that Jameis Winston will try to fuck it…up somehow with errant passes or completely ignoring one of his prime receivers in order to keep total eye contact with the other receiver at all times. I don’t know who could have imagined Jameis Winston would telegraph passes and prove to be a horrible decision-maker. It would have taken a sizeable body of work at the amateur level to envision such a scenario. Perhaps his entire college career might be worth a gander. Washington is desperately trying to prop up Kirk Cousins, but at least they didn’t take him near the top of the draft. Oh wait, that’s RG Knee—who is still floundering at the end of the Redskins bench hoping Jay Gruden gets fired. I wouldn’t be surprised if RG Knee has consulted with Dan Snyder to stage a not-so-secret coup.

Win: Washington Redskins

Raiders @ Chargers

Don’t look now, but the Raiders are building an actual foundation. Unfortunately, it’s still in Oakland. The Raiders aren’t that far off—especially on offense with a core consisted of Derek Carr, Amari Cooper, and Latavius Murray. At this point, I’d probably take Derek Carr over sidewinder Philip Rivers. But San Diego’s supporting cast is still far more impressive than Oakland on both offense and defense. Antonio Gates is either crashing after coming off a steroids binge or he actually has a knee injury. Clearly, Gates has injected life into the Chargers and it would hurt to have him ineffective for a stretch since he’s obviously still valued as Rivers’ treasured safety blankie. The jury is out on whether Mel G III is going to be a good running back, but Danny Woodhead (“Those are some great names!” – Jack Horner) has found a home fulfilling the Darren Sproles role in San Diego. Those little fucks are the best at slipping out on screen passes.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Cowboys @ Giants

You know what I said last week about Giants/Eagle game being a boring, sloppy matchup that will fool people into thinking it’s good just because the score is kind of close? That’s pretty much the description for every NFC East matchup this year. Thankfully, the Cowboys removed themselves from the Pearl River Plunge (also known as the Brandon Weeden Experience). Matt Cassell won’t prove to be considerably better, but anything is an improvement on Brandon Weeden. Go back to baseball, Ginger! Eli might manage to avoid royally fucking up long enough for the Giants not to shoot themselves in the foot—especially now that Plaxico Burress is not on the team. Also, remember that you can tell the changing of the seasons by the shade of red Tom Coughlin’s face turns on the sidelines. I know we’re not quite to December yet because I can’t see the dark night at Lambeau deep shade of red on Old Man Coughlin.

Win: New York Giants

Eagles @ Panthers

Black Superman

Not quite sure whether to buy Carolina as a real contender deep in the playoffs. How can anyone like a team that employs a literal dinosaur to catch passes in Jerricho Cotchery? Cotchery is a crotchety old man at this point, and he was never any good anyways. The receiving corps for the Panthers is pathetic. Tedd Ginn is counted on as a valued cast member. Tedd Ginn! The only difference-maker this team has is Cam Newton, and it’s a damn shame this is the supporting cast the franchise has surrounding an all-world talent. I don’t think the Panthers are as good as their record would seem to indicate, and the parity the NFL pushes favors Philadelphia eventually being good and figuring out a way to win with their offensive aptitude. But I’ll side with Black Superman once again carrying the Panthers to success.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Ravens @ Cardinals

Wow, that Ravens team went to shit quick. It happened nearly as fast as fellow Super Bowl competitor San Francisco. Joe Flacco is still the same old boring Joe Flacco who loves bland food. The killer for Baltimore was losing Terrell Suggs on defense. Without a pass rush, the Ravens are being exposed as a fraudulent defense and there is little to no offensive talent aside from that angry Ewok, Steve Smith. The Ravens need an influx of playmakers next season to remain relevant in the AFC because Joe Flacco is not going to get the job done by himself. If receivers cannot separate downfield, then you are taking Flacco’s best tool—the deep ball—out of his arsenal. Maybe firing Marc Trestman as offensive coordinator couldn’t hurt. If the Cardinals want to prove last week’s Landry Jones debacle was a fluke, then Arizona needs to take care of this crumbling Baltimore team on Monday Night Football. You must protect this house!

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Overall: 52-25
Last Week: 8-6

Falcons @ Saints

There’s a common theme this week: some teams aren’t as good as they seem. Entering Week 6, there are a handful of teams who are due for a reversal in luck and record. Atlanta against New Orleans is one such scenario. As long as Drew Brees’ stapled shoulder holds together with some extra duct tape, the Saints should be in contention for the NFC South. The Saints are very flawed, but they have the ability to beat anyone. Atlanta struggled to overcome the Redskins last week. The Falcons simply aren’t this good. Adding Julio Jones’ injury concerns makes Atlanta ripe for an upset. However, the Falcons benefit from a fluffy schedule—facing the Titans, Buccaneers, and 49ers in the coming weeks before coasting into their bye—so expect to see Atlanta remain at the top of the division for a while.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Bengals @ Bills

Andy Dalton is not this good. I still don’t believe he’s actually good. Buffalo hasn’t been healthy at any point this year, but Orchard Park is not a fun place to play for opposing teams. Let’s see The Red Rocket put the Bengals on his back in this road matchup. The Bills struggle to score points even with their full arsenal, but it looks like E.J. Manuel is going to try to impersonate a quarterback and maybe LeSean McCoy can limp around for some yards. I don’t expect the Bills to win the game so much as I hope the Bengals (and Dalton) blow the game. If one thing is for sure, it’s that Andy Dalton blows.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Broncos @ Browns

Peyton Manning is getting in the Halloween spirit early this year by impersonating Frankenstein. It is difficult to watch Peyton playing right now, but it’s not because of his injuries. Manning’s ineffectiveness is partly his responsibility, but the Broncos have a terrible offensive line and their running backs have not been able to break tackles when the defense is already in the backfield. Denver is missing one of the best LT with Ryan Clady’s injury and their rookie LT Ty Sambrailo is now injured as well. Last-minute FA pick-up Evan Mathis is hurt and this patchwork piece of shit line is incapable of protecting and blocking. Even this prime scoring opportunity against Cleveland will be a difficult slog for the Denver offense. Fortunately, the Broncos defense has been the perfect safety net. Peyton needs to pull the team together to develop some cohesion if the Broncos are going to do anything in the playoffs. He remains their best chance to win, but it is such a damn shame he never had this defense in his prime.

Win: Denver Broncos

Bears @ Lions

Pink Jim Caldwell

Detroit sucks. The Lions also suck. All things Detroit suck. But can the Lions be this bad? After being robbed of a victory against Seattle, the Lions collapsed just like the city of Detroit. On the other side, Jay Cutler has brought some life back to Chicago, but these Bears aren’t coming back from the brink. Matt Forte could easily carry Chicago to a road victory by himself, but something tells me that the Lions find a way to finally win. The Black Mannequin is a figure of unwavering courage in the face of defeat.

Win: Detroit Lions

Dolphins @ Titans

Another painfully boring, uninteresting matchup. Muscle-bound meathead Dan Campbell wasn’t any good when he was playing and now he’s thrust into captaining the Titanic on its way down. The Titans should be able to take advantage of the reeling Dolphins who already want the season to end so they can go back to their regular jobs of enjoying South Beach. No one on that team gives a shit.

Win: Tennessee Titans

Chiefs @ Vikings

“Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car.” Kansas City has been successful because they rode that car until the wheels fell off. For the second time in the past few years, Jamaal Charles snapped his ACL. Good luck, Chiefs. Kansas City now has some guy named Charmander West running the ball. Of course, Charmander isn’t his name, but it’s just as ridiculous as his real name—Charcandrick. Naturally, I have Charcandrick West on my fantasy team now for the name alone. Minnesota is competent enough to hang around as an 8-8 team with the potential to win a few more—possibly entering the playoff picture. Alex Smith is incapable of carrying a Chiefs team without Jamaal Charles.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Redskins @ Jets

Defeat is always lurking with one Kirk Cousins interception looming in the distance. The pressure from the Jets pass rush will force Cousins into mistakes. Ryan Fitzpatrick is Kirk Cousins’ ceiling, but he’s not even there yet. He needs to go through about 5-6 more teams before he enters his journeyman prime. New York has a nice foundation, but my faith in the Jets is more of a result of Washington’s ineptitude.

Win: New York Jets

Cardinals @ Steelers

Pittsburgh snatched victory from the jaws of defeat last week against San Diego. Michael Vick made maybe one great throw on the deep TD pass while the team lived and died with Le’Veon Bell. The Steelers almost lost on the last minute play when Bell’s momentum stopped, but Le’Veon leaped over a defender at his legs to get the extra push into the end zone. Until Rapistberger re-enters (willingly, this time), the Steelers best chance remains running with Le’Veon Bell. Arizona doesn’t need to push the envelope in order to win the game—just contain Le’Veon Bell and let Vick give the game to the Cardinals.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Texans @ Jaguars

Brian Hoyer vs. Blake Bortles! How do these teams have fans?

Win: Houston Texans

Panthers @ Seahawks

Cam Newton is a special talent. But Carolina isn’t this good. Seattle collapsed last week against Cincinnati, but the Seahawks have a track record of success against the Panthers. The defense doesn’t lock anyone down anymore with Cary Williams in the secondary and the offensive line can’t protect Russell Wilson to save his life. Jimmy Graham is and always was a horrible fit for this team because they never take advantage down the seam. Seattle seemed more dangerous with Luke Willson (not that Luke Wilson) running those routes and hitting a few homeruns on occasion because the defense didn’t expect it. The Seahawks have no idea what they’re doing on offense, but they’ll scratch out enough to win.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Chargers @ Packers

Aaron Rodgers is not losing to Philip Rivers at Lambeau. End of analysis.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Ravens @ 49ers

As much as San Francisco sucks, every 49ers game is watchable because of the many faces of Jim Tomsula. I never want this man to leave the sidelines. However, he’ll need to start winning games at some point or someone’s head is going on the chopping block. Is Jim Tomsula scared? Fuck no. Jim Tomsula doesn’t coach scared. But Colin Kaepernick plays scared. Unfortunately, Blaine Gabbert (yeah, that guy is still in the league somehow) is the 49ers backup. Please get Jim Tomsula a QB who doesn’t piss his pants in the face of pressure. Jim Tomsula only reserves that tactic when it’s really cold and you need to get warm real quick. The 49ers could probably pick up a better QB off the street. Literally, off the streets. Jim Tomsula really appreciates that type of courage in a man. Luckily, the 49ers have a punching chance with Steve Smith still sidelined and Baltimore trying to work with a makeshift offense. The Ravens should win unless Joe Flacco gets locked into Jim Tomsula’s steely gaze long enough for the 49ers to BLUDGEON!

Bludgeon

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Patriots @ Colts

Fuck Tom Brady. Andrew Luck might return for this game, but he’s not 100% and the Colts can’t compete with the Patriots when healthy. This game will get ugly even if Brady doesn’t throw the ball. Indianapolis cannot stop New England from running the ball down their throats and their secondary is burnable on every deep pass. Someone please step up and stop these insufferable Patriots.

Win: New England Patriots

Giants @ Eagles

Watch out, the Giants could threaten to take control of this division. But we can’t have that because that would fuck up this team’s 8-8 destiny and ultimate fate of knocking off the previously undefeated Patriots. Philadelphia is starting to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Not so secretly, I hope it fails. This is one of those classic boring matchups that might seem better in retrospect because of how close it is when in reality it is simply the fact that both teams are viciously mediocre in all aspects. Go football!

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Overall: 44-19
Last Week: 12-3

Colts @ Texans

The AFC South is so terrible that the Colts would legitimately stand a chance to win the division even if Matt Hasselback was their starting QB for the entire season. Indianapolis could literally run on every possession and probably win if they just let Ryan Mallett do Ryan Mallett things. J.J. Watt deserves to rot on this Texans team and I hope Houston continues to let Mallett fuck around like this is still college.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Redskins @ Falcons

Kirk Cousins is like a younger Josh McCown—a limited QB who has to “manage the game” because putting too much pressure on his shoulders leads to disastrous decisions and terrible turnovers. Conversely, Matt Ryan will put on a clinic against a beleaguered Washington secondary. Because neither team is as good or bad as they have seemed, this could be close in the first half before Atlanta starts to break away.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Seahawks @ Bengals

Both QBs are insufferable pricks. If Russell Wilson and Andy Dalton could combine for 6 interceptions, I would gleefully enjoy watching those awful performances—much more than seeing them both efficiently move an offense. A little nugget I heard on sports talk radio this week about the Red Rocket, Andy Dalton: Hue Jackson claimed that the turning point for Dalton came when he was booed at the MLB All-Star Celebrity Softball Game and he hit a homerun in response. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. That’s almost as good as Ryan Tannehill whining like a douche about being intercepted by the practice squad.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Rams @ Packers

St. Louis is steady at home and in divisional games. Neither of those are the case with this game. On the road against Green Bay, the Rams will need an exceptional effort from Todd Gurley again. Last week, the Cardinals could not stop St. Louis on the ground. The Packers shouldn’t have such a problem in this matchup as Nick Foles should be forced to make throws under pressure to win the game.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Bills @ Titans

Stop the Tyrod Taylor hype train. Buffalo’s savior isn’t anything special. Taylor is decent but limited. If the Bills aren’t running the football, Tyrod isn’t going to be able to carry the team by himself. Even against an unspectacular Titans defense, Taylor is going to struggle again with Buffalo’s top running backs both on the shelves. There’s a good chance that Rex Ryan rallies the troops and the Bills snap Marcus Mariota like a twig. But the zombie Colts can’t possibly just sleepwalk their way to the AFC South title unopposed, can they? The best possible challenge has to be Tennessee, even if by default. Not exactly the most sound logic, but this is always throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks.

Win: Tennessee Titans

Bears @ Chiefs

You pulled one over on me, John Fox. You goddamn son of a bitch. Apparently, Jimmy Clausen’s 10-for-10 punt performance was enough for the Bears to throw Cutler back out there at 75% health. Chicago outlasted Oakland last week, but the Bears won’t find much success against a desperate Kansas City team. The Chiefs should run Jamaal Charles all over Chicago’s defense while Justin Houston and company pound Cutler into the ground—exposing an already shaky and injured offensive line.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Saints @ Eagles

Chip Kelly

The implosion of Philadelphia has just been delightful. It couldn’t have happened to a better city. New Orleans is probably the logical choice to win this road matchup against a reeling Eagles team. But this is a world where I can have nothing nice and the NFL makes no sense. Somehow, the Eagles will manage to win this game even with DeMarco Murray running for a yard per carry. If Drew Brees’ shoulder holds up and the Saints escape with a victory, you’ll be able to hear the collective gasp from Eagles fans and see a large shitstorm forming over Philadelphia. Of course, it will be accompanied by the townsfolk grabbing their pitchforks and torches to chase after Chip Kelly—a descendant of the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Jaguars @ Buccaneers

Can we fast-forward 5 years and find out whether Blake Bortles or Jameis Winston are actually good?

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Browns @ Ravens

Cleveland continues their no fun campaign to the detriment of the team. Give John Football the ball! This boring division matchup would be livened up a little more if we were actually seeing whether or not Johnny Manziel has the ability to be a starter. Everyone knows Josh McCown’s limitations. Even with Steve Smith out and no other receiver capable of creating separation, Baltimore is desperate enough and the right amount of remaining talent to take care of the Browns at home.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Cardinals @ Lions

Matthew Stafford is a living bobblehead doll. After self-destructing against St. Louis last week, Arizona will aim to dislodge Stafford’s massive head from his shoulders. Detroit deserved that win over Seattle, but it doesn’t change the fact that the Lions are still winless. When it comes to choosing between whether Bruce Arians or Jim Caldwell will have their team sharp and ready, I’m going to take the Black Mannequin every time…just kidding. Jim Caldwell may be unblinking, but that doesn’t mean he’s cool, calm, and collected under pressure. Jim Caldwell does not instill faith in his fellow man.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Patriots @ Cowboys

Did I mention fuck Tom Brady? Dallas doesn’t stand a chance with Brandon Weeden.

Win: New England Patriots

Broncos @ Raiders

At some point, Peyton is going to slip up and he won’t be able to make enough throws to win the game. However, that hasn’t happened yet. Despite everyone critiquing Manning’s arm strength and every single throw, Peyton has completed the necessary passes to put the team in a position to win. The defense has cemented the game, and it’s a fucking shame that Peyton never had such a defense in his prime. Denver desperately needs to C.J. Anderson to be an effective bell cow with Ronnie Hillman sprinkled in to change the pace and swing for homeruns. The Broncos will lose games here and there, and Oakland could conceivably give them their first ding today. Watch out for Latavius Murray catching passes.

Win: Denver Broncos

49ers @ Giants

When San Francisco went into the season with Blaine Gabbert as their backup, the 49ers were basically saying that Colin Kaepernick would be their starting QB as long as he’s healthy. With the way Kaepernick has been self-destructing, Jim Tomsula may want to crawl back under his bridge. What would Kaepernick have to do to get benched? On the other side, the Giants have surprisingly lucked into a great position with every division rival being utter dogshit. New York is hindered by their inability to run the ball, but Eli should make enough throws against the San Francisco’s shitty pass defense.

Win: New York Giants

Steelers @ Chargers

Well, we know Pittsburgh has a championship-caliber offense. No version of the vaunted Steel Curtain exists today, and Michael Vick is far past his prime—even that Vick wasn’t worthy of a Super Bowl. So when does Big Ben and his big chins get back? San Diego is not a special team by any measure, but they’re bad enough to lose to shitty teams while being competent enough to beat good competition in close games. I don’t know what Philip Rivers will show up today, but it has to better than a bootleg Michael Vick.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Overall: 32-16
Last Week: 14-2

Ravens @ Steelers

Pittsburgh went from having a QB that is a rapist to one that is a dog murderer. Somehow, the shitty Steelers bandwagon fans are still the worst part of this franchise. Total idiots waving their Terrible Towels while foaming from the mouth. Even if Michael Vick manages to turn back the clock, I let go of those dirty deeds and I’d much rather actively root against the Steelers. As much as I dislike the Ravens, Baltimore can’t fall to 0-4 and drop out of the playoff race this early—they’re always annoying late into the season.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Jets @ Dolphins

London Alert! It’s nice that news has leaked of Miami possibly leaving Joe Philbin in London if the Dolphins lose. Hopefully that means the Ndamu-Diddy Kong Suh continues to roll over and the entire defense allows Ryan Fitzpatrick to dink-and-dunk the Jets to a win. Under Todd Bowles, New York’s defense is much improved and Ryan Tannehill will find it difficult to complete passes against Darrell Revis, Antonio Cromartie, Buster Skrine, and company. Rest assured the Dolphins will be eager to get back to South Beach after this forced overseas “home” game. It’s a good thing these games are never worthwhile matchups. England must hate us for thrusting Jaguars and Dolphins football on them year after year.

Win: New York Jets

Texans @ Falcons

Atlanta is good. Houston is bad. The Falcons aren’t that good. The Texans aren’t that bad. This game will be closer than most will probably expect, but I wouldn’t trust Ryan Mallett on the road with any odds. I’ll continue to enjoy J.J. Watt trying to push this miserable Houston team with his hard work and commitment. Keep chopping those logs with your pure grit, you grating asshole. I can’t believe people like J.J. Watt—hard selling his dedication and everyman appeal has made him insufferable.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Giants @ Bills

Even without Sammy Watkins and LeSean McCoy, there’s not much reason to think Buffalo will blow this home game against the “in-state” rival Giants. Karlos Williams could dominate New York on the ground with dual-threat Tyrod Taylor continuing to extend plays and move the offense. The Giants defense is aggressively average and they desperately need to give Jason Pierre-Paul a half-thumbs up so someone can rush the passer. Somehow, I think Eli Manning will pull this road win out of his ass. New York is destined to go 8-8 and inexplicably beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl again. This is fate.

Win: New York Giants

Raiders @ Bears

Clausen

You might have heard that every single Bears offensive drive last week ended in a punt. A perfect 10-for-10 in ineffectiveness. Jimmy Clausen is historically horrendous. Chicago mercifully traded Jared Allen to a team where he can do his job. Matt Forte has become the face of the Chicago Bears since the retirement of Brian Urlacher so he’s damned to die on the Bears. The Raiders would be moronic if they don’t stuff the box to remove any running room for Forte and put all the responsibility on Clausen. Oakland has a chance to be decent this year and a connection is being developed between Derek Carr and Amari Cooper. With Chicago willingly trading away what defense talent remains, you can expect impressive performances from Derek Carr, Amari Cooper, and Latavius Murray. Let’s be honest, 10 points probably seals the win for Oakland—unless Chicago can score a defensive TD or two against the Raiders.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Chiefs @ Bengals

People can continue to make fun of Peyton Manning’s arm strength all they want. But it’s a miracle Manning is still playing after his neck surgeries. What is Alex Smith’s excuse? Kansas City cannot connect on downfield passes beyond 20 yards, and worse, they don’t even try. I have no idea how Jamaal Charles carries the Chiefs, but Kansas City’s ceiling has clearly been established. Pacman Jones will rip off someone’s head and jump a pass for a pick-6 against Alex Smith. Andy Dalton predictably doesn’t have my trust, but Cincinnati is strong enough to secure the lead and force Alex Smith to beat them.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Jaguars @ Colts

Did anyone remember Matt Hasselback was still in the NFL? Andrew Luck has struck fear in the hearts of Colts fans by possibly being doubtful/questionable/probable. Even if Luck slaps on his Abe Lincoln beard and goes to work, the offensive line cannot keep him upright. Matt Hasselback may certainly be a corpse at this stage in his career, but a respectable backup should be able to manage a win at home against the Jaguars. Jacksonville is doomed to suck forever—well, until they leave for London. Indianapolis has zero depth at running back, but the Colts need to rely on Frank Gore for most of this game and look for a few downfield shots with T.Y. Hilton (avoid Andrew Johnson at all costs) to escape with the victory.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Panthers @ Buccaneers

Jameis Winston’s ceiling is probably Cam Newton. And I feel like Cam Newton has been better than anyone could have reasonably expected. With no talent in the supporting cast, Cam Newton is tasked with carrying the entire team on his shoulders. Miraculously, Carolina has a chance in their shitty division because of Cam. Black Superman has literally done a full head-over-heels flip into the end zone while leading the Panthers to 3-0 and more of the same should happen in a rout of Tampa Bay.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Eagles @ Redskins

A mysterious foot injury to Colt McCoy has forced RG Knee into active backup duty in Washington. I’m sure he’ll only end up playing over the dead bodies of Kirk Cousins and Jay Gruden. Don’t put it past Dan Snyder to kill both of them with his bare hands. Kirk Cousins is so terrible that Griffin could seriously see the field. Kirk Cousins aspires to be Alex Smith. I doubt Chip Kelly has learned anything and the offense is still likely in disarray. But not even Washington fans want to show up at home so maybe the team follows suit. While Matt Jones has injected life into the Redskins, Philadelphia has more talent.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Browns @ Chargers

A lot of unwatchable games on the NFL slate, but this is the winner. Cleveland predictably regressed to boring the minute Josh McCown was re-inserted as starting QB. The Browns should be finding out if John Football can succeed as a starter instead of dicking around in the guise of coddling him. Take the reins of Li’l Romo and allow some excitement in Cleveland for once. If you’re going to suck, be interesting. Look at San Diego: the Chargers legitimately suck this year, but I stupidly keep picking them to win because Philip Rivers used to be good. San Diego can’t field a healthy offensive line and the team isn’t above-average in any aspect. I shouldn’t expect them to win, but Josh McCown is going on the road and that’s reason enough for me. Watch Rivers proceed to get carted off in the 1st Quarter. Actually, that wouldn’t be so bad if his jaw is wired shut and Philip Rivers finally has to shut his fucking mouth.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Vikings @ Broncos

While I’m clearly biased, the Vikings/Broncos matchup is the best game of the week. Despite being at home, Denver will face an imposing challenge against the Minnesota defense. With the Vikings bottling up the run in the last two weeks, C.J. Anderson is going to continue to struggle like he’s running in quick sand. Why would defenses not drop back and look to pick off Peyton’s wounded ducks? But Manning is making things work and the Broncos are working through their difficulties while being undefeated. Teddy Bridgewater isn’t a substantial threat throwing the ball, but Adrian Peterson could make life difficult for Denver. Like with Alex Smith, what is Teddy Bridgewater’s excuse for weak arm strength?

Win: Denver Broncos

Rams @ Cardinals

Arizona has been unreasonably unstoppable on offense and defense. With the Rams being served on a platter, expect the Cardinals to continue feasting at home. I live in Arizona and it’s clear that the fair weather fans are out in full force with the Cardinals actually being good under Bruce Arians. But it’s ridiculous to refer to University of Phoenix Stadium as The Red Sea. Let’s not try to self-impose that stupid nickname. Jeff Fisher will have the Rams ready to compete in a tough road game against a division rival. However, Todd Gurley isn’t at 100% strength and Nick Foles is working with a mediocre receiving corps. Arizona is always one Carson Palmer injury away from complete collapse.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Packers @ 49ers

Time for the annual reminder for 49ers fans that California native Aaron Rodgers could have been their starting QB instead of Alex Smith. Perhaps Rodgers would have failed as well with Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary as head coach. With Colin Kaepernick lofting interceptions, San Francisco doesn’t have a prayer against Green Bay with Rodgers putting on a weekly QB clinic. The 49ers have been embarrassed back-to-back weeks against the Steelers and Cardinals—Ben Rapistberger and Carson Palmer aren’t even in the same category as Aaron Rodgers. It is going to be a long year of Jim Tomsula press conferences.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Cowboys @ Saints

Ahmed 1
Ahmed 2
Ahmed 3

Anyone remember Ahmed Johnson of wrestling fame in the WWF Attitude Era? Turns out that Ahmed Johnson (real name of Anthony Norris) was a middle linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys in 1990 and 1991. In the spirit of the brick shithouse, I am going to name the Brandon Weeden era as the Pearl River Plunge—because watching Brandon Weeden as an NFL QB is like being powerbombed by a big scary black guy. Luke McCown didn’t embarrass himself last week, but New Orleans only has a chance as long as Drew Brees is healthy. Former Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan is frothing and foaming for the opportunity to ruin Dallas, but that’s a double-edge sword because the Saints aren’t talented enough to cover anyone. Watch, Cole Beasley will have a monster game for some reason. But Brandon Weeden is susceptible of folding under pressure and being destroyed like the Spanish announcing table.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Lions @ Seahawks

Have we come to the realization that Matt Stafford may not be very good? Sure, he could be dealing with injuries at not at full capacity, but he’s underachieved for years. Calvin Johnson is still dominant at times, but his prime (the absolute pinnacle of his career) was wasted. Jim Caldwell will remain resolute and unblinking in the face of pressure, but that’s just because he’s a black mannequin. Seattle started to get healthy last week against Chicago and the Seahawks want to continue that dominance against Detroit. The Lions will put up a better fight than the Bears, but Detroit is in for a long failure of a season.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Overall: 18-14
Last Week: 6-10

Redskins @ Giants

Eli Face
I can sleep easy at night knowing that when Peyton retires at the end of the year, I’ll still have Eli to hold me over until I have to wait nearly 20 years for Peyton Manning’s twins—Marshall and Mosley—to enter the NFL. For years now, I’ve made the argument that Eli is a Top 10 QB. While Eli seemingly enjoys mirroring his career after a teeter-totter, I still believe he can elevate a mediocre team and make enough plays to be elite. The Giants aren’t as bad as their recent blunders suggest and no one wants to see insufferable Redskins fans with their racist owner enjoying an undefeated start.

Win: New York Giants

Raiders @ Browns

Cleveland was threatening to become interesting under John Football. As a result, no more fun can be had so it’s back to the bench for Li’l Romo. I like Josh McCown, he seems like a cool enough guy—maybe it’s because he’s a Dolph Lundgren impersonator. But having Josh McCown as your starting QB is a sign to get ready for the coming football apocalypse. Watch out, the Raiders are verging on punchy. This will be a horrible game to watch, but it’ll give Oakland a reason for optimism if Derek Carr can lead the Raiders to a victory against a stout Cleveland defense—a week after pulling off a surprising upset against Baltimore. At least the Browns can learn how well Johnny Manziel can hold a clipboard.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Falcons @ Cowboys

Weeden 1

Weeden 2

Weeden 3

Oh my God, that’s BRANDON WEEDEN’s theme music! Cue the hilarious montage of Brandon Weeden moments. With Tony Romo and Dez Bryant out for lengthy stints, the Cowboys place all the pressure on the shoulders of Brandon Weeden and notorious shoplifter Joseph Randle. Staked with a 2-0 start of the season, Dallas will probably be fine. But in the meanwhile, we get to enjoy Brandon Weeden doing Brandon Weeden things. Atlanta might be getting overhyped now after a fluky win over the Giants last week—combined with their opening domination of Philadelphia, which could’ve been because the Eagles suck. Matt Ryan better take care of business on the road and beat Brandon Weeden.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Colts @ Titans

Ryan Grigson looks like a used car salesman. At the least, he looks like a sleazy insurance salesman. Whatever he’s selling, I’m not buying. Adding Frank Gore and Andre Johnson has aged Indianapolis’ offense 10 years. The offensive line is and has always been utter shit. After Boom Herron provided some moxie last year, the Colts now have zero depth behind Frank Gore—who I love, but it’s a miracle his career actually happened considering how blown up both of his knees were in college. They are so desperate that re-signing Ahmad Bradshaw is an option. And he would be an improvement. Until his leg snaps again. Andrew Luck deserves better. His development has been stunted since Bruce Arians left. Pep Hamilton is just awful. Somehow, the Colts have two above average tight ends that never get used, and it’s not like they’re busy railroading in the run game. But still, Indianapolis is playing Tennessee. If the 0-2 start extends to 0-3, then there will be a mutiny. Jim Irsay might have a few belts with some magic pills and fire both Grigson and Pagano before flying back home. In that case, Jim Irsay becomes King as GM/Coach of the Colts. Daddy would be so proud! Please free Andrew Luck from this tyranny.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Steelers @ Rams

St. Louis shit the bed on the road against Washington. If the Rams buck up at home and beat the Steelers, then I give up. Although my hatred for bandwagon Steelers fans is steadfast, I do love that Mike Tomlin has decided to forgo standard NFL conservatism in favor of exploiting the advantage of going for 2 points instead of a 1-point field goal. I would hope the same of Jeff Fisher, but that mustache screams conservative and his growing belly screams for more food.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Chargers @ Vikings

A bland matchup between two equally boring teams. Both are okay. I don’t give a shit about this game. So let’s just say the AFC is better than the NFC and call that the reason San Diego wins.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Jaguars @ Patriots

This seems like the game where LeGarrette Blount lumbers to 4 TDs. Fuck Tom Brady.

Win: New England Patriots

Eagles @ Jets

Do you smell that? The tire fire in Philadelphia has such thick, black smoke pluming that the shitcloud is moving over New Jersey this weekend. I sincerely hope that the Eagles continue to suck. It’s just so entertaining to see Chip Kelly fail miserably. He’s an angry little Cabbage Patch doll with an undeserved sense of arrogance. Unfortunately, things have to balance out eventually. Right? If the Jets defense continues to swarm and overwhelm Sam Bradford, then that sound you hear in Philadelphia is every sports talk radio host orgasming at the same time. But I don’t trust Ryan Fitzpatrick with anything important, and New York could be operating with a wounded running attack.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Saints @ Panthers

Remember what I said about having Josh McCown as your starting QB is a sign to get ready for the coming football apocalypse? Well the football hellscape has already swept through Louisiana. Drew Brees’ shoulder was held together by staples, voodoo, and the souls of young children. Last week, a fatal blow befell Brees. Now the star of Verizon’s current commercial campaign, Luke McCown, is your starting QB of the New Orleans Saints! Shine, you little star! The apocalypse has begun in the bayou. Carolina should be so embarrassed that they cease to exist if they lose to the little McCown reject.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Bengals @ Ravens

Baltimore blows off their own foot last week against Oakland. It doesn’t make much sense to expect a better showing against the Bengals, but I’m betting against Andy Dalton nearly every time. Even without Suggs, the Ravens should be able to scheme themselves into a win by pressuring Dalton.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Buccaneers @ Texans

Enjoy your shit sandwich, local NFL fans in Tampa Bay and Houston! This artisan turd will leave a horrific taste in your mouth. By my NFL Chaos Theory, the Texans will win this home game and the Colts will take care of the Titans on the road to give us a 4-team tie in the AFC South. Parity!

Win: Houston Texans

49ers @ Cardinals

Will there reach a point when Cardinals fans stop cringing at every shot Carson Palmer takes below the belt? Even if Palmer makes it off the field against San Francisco in one piece, there’s always the chance some 49ers fans will attack him in the parking lot. Never discount that possibility.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Bills @ Dolphins

Who could have imagined Ndamukong Suh would be so terrible after having trucks of money pull into his driveway? Did we learn nothing from the Albert Haynesworth debacle? Suh has no incentive to be any good. He’ll continue to swim in money in South Beach. Miami is the worst. I never gave any thought to the Dolphins imploding against Jacksonville. I mean, it’s the Jaguars. But the choke job is proof they aren’t a serious contender with Joe Philbin coaching. Buffalo is still the same mediocre offense and incredible defense. I hope the Bills enjoy being the new Jets. Who cares who wins this?

Win: Buffalo Bills

Bears @ Seahawks

Congratulations, Chicago. You managed to gather together the most unlikable quarterback duo possible with Jay Cutler and Jimmy Clausen. That overwhelming wave of depression hitting the Windy City is what I like to call the Clausen Effect. Seattle gets to use Jimmy Clausen as the sacrificial lamb in their slaughtering ritual that starts them on the right path back to becoming a Super Bowl contender.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Broncos @ Lions

In Peyton I Trust. Sure, he needs a couple people to undress him after games. That’s what all that sweet Papa John’s money is for—he can afford to be bathed like Eddie Murphy in Coming to America. I don’t trust Gary Kubiak with anything, much less the end of Peyton Manning’s career. The one positive out of the Kubiak hiring is that ex-mall Santa Wade Phillips is coaching up that Denver defense. I don’t know what he’s doing, but that jolly fat man sure is fun to watch on the sidelines. Hopefully, this is the week that C.J. Anderson gets healthy and helps restore balance to the force. If not, then we’ll be in store for another 50+ shotgun passes from Peyton while the defense is tasked with winning the game.

Win: Denver Broncos

Chiefs @ Packers

Aaron Rodgers is an absolute joy to watch. Those starry blue eyes. That cannon firing off at odd angles. Blessed with the ability to turn water into wine, the Packers trot out scabs and scrubs that are somehow playmakers like James Jones’ corpse. Kansas City turtled against Denver and choked away last week’s game. The Chiefs specialize in close games, but Aaron Rodgers will find some way to will Green Bay to victory. If Eddie Lacy misses the game, then expect James Starks to inexplicably run for 100 yards.

Win: Green Bay Packers