Posts Tagged ‘Eli Manning’

Overall: 102-61
Thanksgiving: 2-1

Vikings @ Falcons

Both Minnesota and Atlanta have aggressively average quarterbacks who will probably be more highly thought of in this era than they truly deserve. Are we sure Matt Ryan is very good? How long has ol’ Matty Ice been in the league? When Matt Ryan entered the league, Roddy White was a consistently dominant weapon at the height of his power. Now that White is washed up, Julio Jones is an unstoppable force and the unquestioned best receiver in the NFL. There was even a small, two-season window where they were elite together. Sure, Matt Ryan can compile stats and complete enough passes to go for 4,000+ yards. But Atlanta has never been raised to another level by Matt Ryan’s performance. Teddy Bridgewater isn’t there yet because of a very conservative approach heavily reliant on the running attack. But all the signs are there and Bridgewater will inch closer to 4,000 yards and a 2:1 TD/INT ratio once Adrian Peterson is no longer the focal point. Although Bridgewater isn’t up to that level right now, Matt Ryan still isn’t good enough for it to make a difference despite being at home in the Georgia Dome.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Rams @ Bengals

Welp, now we know Jeff Fisher isn’t above letting his quarterback die on the field. Jeff Fisher hates Nick Foles to the extent that he was willing to let a clearly concussed Case Keenum get scraped off the turf and stood upright just so Nick Foles couldn’t come back into the game. If Peyton Manning played on the Rams, we would almost assuredly see him still hobbling around on a torn foot with broken ribs. It basically took a near-decapitation of Case Keenum to get Nick Foles back in action. AND the supposed concussion spotter completely ignored what happened so no one protected poor Case Keenum. If we didn’t have footage of his lineman trying to pick up his limp body immediately after the play, Jeff Fisher probably would have pushed Case through the concussion protocol in order to get him cleared to play against the Bengals on the road. Right now, Case Keenum has no idea he’s in Cincinnati. Let’s make sure he’s dressed in street clothes so Jeff Fisher isn’t tempted to throw him out there again when Foles faceplants.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Raiders @ Titans

I hate both of these teams. I have nothing against their players or anything like that. But every time I pick Oakland or Tennessee, they shit the bed and show their true nature. What am I to do in this situation? Somehow, this will turn into our one tie of the season. I can’t wait for the Tennessee Titans to turn from boring to mildly more interesting after trading for Chip Kelly this offseason.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Buccaneers @ Colts

Crab Legs has quietly established himself as decent for a rookie QB. That’s actually an accomplishment. Jameis is boosted by his 5 TD performance last week, but the tools are there for a potential Dante Culpepper-esque player. Taking care of the football needs to be higher priority in order for Jameis to reach that next stage in his development. Indianapolis is always a prime candidate to get torched on defense, but the Colts should take care of another average team to stay on top of the division.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Bills @ Chiefs

Buffalo and Kansas City have similar run-first approaches to offense. However, the Bills can at least threaten to throw the ball downfield. If Rex Ryan’s defense gave Tom Brady so many problems last week, then how the hell is Alex Smith going to complete a pass longer than 5 yards? Playing at Arrowhead is going to exasperate Buffalo’s penalty issues, but the Bills should have the talent and coaching advantage. As long as Tyrod Taylor is healthy, Buffalo pulls off the road win. If E.J. Manuel is forced to do anything but put on Tyrod Taylor’s coat for him (like he’s James fucking Brown or something), then the Bills are going to be in huge trouble because that guy is good for nothing besides sucking frosty snowballs.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Dolphins @ Jets

Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like a hobo. I don’t think Donkey Kong Suh has a problem with attacking a homeless man. In fact, it seems like something new head coach Dan Campbell would condone if it leads to a win. I wasn’t alive the last time these two teams were interesting, but I think there’s still some type of rivalry there. It’s the type of rivalry where no one on the national level can manage to give a fuck. I’m sure the blood will be heated in this Duel of the Ryans—Tannehill vs. Fitzpatrick, there can be only one. That would be the worst gimmick for a new Highlander movie franchise reimaginging.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Giants @ Redskins

Everything about this game screams a win for Washington. The Giants don’t have anything that resembles a healthy offensive line. New York has no running attack so they just throw four guys out there. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins has shown promise has caretaker in the Alex Smith mold. With what is intended to be a home-field advantage, this should be an easy waltz for Washington. But the Giants manage to win games you never expect and then give away games they never should—like against Dallas near the start of the season. The New York Giants’ destiny is an 8-8 season and the undeserved NFC East division title.

Win: New York Giants

Chargers @ Jaguars

Fuck Philip Rivers. I know no one on San Diego is healthy, but Rivers couldn’t manage to throw a single touchdown last week? That’s pathetic. And it will get even worse this week when Blake Bortles and the Jaguars beat the Chargers. It’s like the front office is more focused on a move to Los Angeles than fielding a competitive team on the field. They might as well leave Philip Rivers and his 7 children in San Diego.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Saints @ Texans

Houston will probably win this game at home against a below-average team. But I hate J.J. Watt and he deserves to rot on a shitty Texans franchise without sniffing the playoffs again. The Saints can’t play any worse defensively without Rob Ryan guzzling beers on the sidelines. So maybe Drew Brees pulls one of his improbable 400-yard performances out of his ass for a reminder of the good old times. Then Sean Payton pops a couple painkillers and they enjoy a nice long hug knowing this is their last hoorah.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Cardinals @ 49ers

Another week where I would much rather hear Jim Tomsula talk than watch the 49ers play.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Steelers @ Seahawks

Pittsburgh against Seattle is easily the most entertaining matchup this week. But I still hate both franchises—specifically despising each team’s starting quarterback. I can’t win unless an atomic bomb is dropped on the field. Seriously, I cannot think of a single likeable player on either team. Le’Veon Bell doesn’t count because he shredded his knee, but that’s probably the only contender. The only outcome that would make me happy is if both teams lose. Unfortunately, that won’t happen so Seattle will likely find a way to win to keep lurking around like a stupid hipster Michael Myers.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Patriots @ Broncos

Limp Brady

Fuck Tom Brady. Congratulations, Brock Osweiler, you managed to look mediocre against the middling Bears. Unfortunately, the Patriots don’t just give up on plays and decide not to tackle like that embarrassing Demaryius Thomas touchdown last week. Denver can try to push Peyton out the door all they would like, but there’s a reason they didn’t hand the reins over to Brock Ock at the start of the season. Football isn’t the same without Peyton Manning and the lack of interest in this Patriots-Broncos matchup is a prime example. I wouldn’t put it past Belicheat to go bland and let Osweiler look impressive so they don’t have to see Peyton start again this year. I was at the 4th and 2 Game in Indianapolis when Belicheat was desperately afraid of Manning coming back and winning the game. You can’t tell me that no one wants to see one last Manning vs. Brady matchup in the playoffs. If Peyton can’t topple the Evil Empire, it all falls on Eli’s shoulders. Someone needs to step up and kill the New England Patriots, once and for all.

Win: New England Patriots

Ravens @ Browns

So much for seeing John Football the rest of this season. Johnny Manziel has now shit away his one and only chance at being a starter. I think we can all agree that the only GM stupid enough to give this alcoholic shithead another shot is an alcoholic shithead who just so happens to also own the team—Jerry Jones. We already know Manziel and Jones owe their success to the oil industry and the share a love for partying and shady women. That’s enough for me to predict that Jerry will push to slap a star on Li’l Romo and give him an undeserved second chance. Hopefully crazy Greg Hardy is still there and decides to slam Manziel on a bed of automatic weapons to make this Circle of Hell complete.

Win: Cleveland Browns

Overall: 44-19
Last Week: 12-3

Colts @ Texans

The AFC South is so terrible that the Colts would legitimately stand a chance to win the division even if Matt Hasselback was their starting QB for the entire season. Indianapolis could literally run on every possession and probably win if they just let Ryan Mallett do Ryan Mallett things. J.J. Watt deserves to rot on this Texans team and I hope Houston continues to let Mallett fuck around like this is still college.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Redskins @ Falcons

Kirk Cousins is like a younger Josh McCown—a limited QB who has to “manage the game” because putting too much pressure on his shoulders leads to disastrous decisions and terrible turnovers. Conversely, Matt Ryan will put on a clinic against a beleaguered Washington secondary. Because neither team is as good or bad as they have seemed, this could be close in the first half before Atlanta starts to break away.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Seahawks @ Bengals

Both QBs are insufferable pricks. If Russell Wilson and Andy Dalton could combine for 6 interceptions, I would gleefully enjoy watching those awful performances—much more than seeing them both efficiently move an offense. A little nugget I heard on sports talk radio this week about the Red Rocket, Andy Dalton: Hue Jackson claimed that the turning point for Dalton came when he was booed at the MLB All-Star Celebrity Softball Game and he hit a homerun in response. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. That’s almost as good as Ryan Tannehill whining like a douche about being intercepted by the practice squad.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Rams @ Packers

St. Louis is steady at home and in divisional games. Neither of those are the case with this game. On the road against Green Bay, the Rams will need an exceptional effort from Todd Gurley again. Last week, the Cardinals could not stop St. Louis on the ground. The Packers shouldn’t have such a problem in this matchup as Nick Foles should be forced to make throws under pressure to win the game.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Bills @ Titans

Stop the Tyrod Taylor hype train. Buffalo’s savior isn’t anything special. Taylor is decent but limited. If the Bills aren’t running the football, Tyrod isn’t going to be able to carry the team by himself. Even against an unspectacular Titans defense, Taylor is going to struggle again with Buffalo’s top running backs both on the shelves. There’s a good chance that Rex Ryan rallies the troops and the Bills snap Marcus Mariota like a twig. But the zombie Colts can’t possibly just sleepwalk their way to the AFC South title unopposed, can they? The best possible challenge has to be Tennessee, even if by default. Not exactly the most sound logic, but this is always throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks.

Win: Tennessee Titans

Bears @ Chiefs

You pulled one over on me, John Fox. You goddamn son of a bitch. Apparently, Jimmy Clausen’s 10-for-10 punt performance was enough for the Bears to throw Cutler back out there at 75% health. Chicago outlasted Oakland last week, but the Bears won’t find much success against a desperate Kansas City team. The Chiefs should run Jamaal Charles all over Chicago’s defense while Justin Houston and company pound Cutler into the ground—exposing an already shaky and injured offensive line.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Saints @ Eagles

Chip Kelly

The implosion of Philadelphia has just been delightful. It couldn’t have happened to a better city. New Orleans is probably the logical choice to win this road matchup against a reeling Eagles team. But this is a world where I can have nothing nice and the NFL makes no sense. Somehow, the Eagles will manage to win this game even with DeMarco Murray running for a yard per carry. If Drew Brees’ shoulder holds up and the Saints escape with a victory, you’ll be able to hear the collective gasp from Eagles fans and see a large shitstorm forming over Philadelphia. Of course, it will be accompanied by the townsfolk grabbing their pitchforks and torches to chase after Chip Kelly—a descendant of the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Jaguars @ Buccaneers

Can we fast-forward 5 years and find out whether Blake Bortles or Jameis Winston are actually good?

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Browns @ Ravens

Cleveland continues their no fun campaign to the detriment of the team. Give John Football the ball! This boring division matchup would be livened up a little more if we were actually seeing whether or not Johnny Manziel has the ability to be a starter. Everyone knows Josh McCown’s limitations. Even with Steve Smith out and no other receiver capable of creating separation, Baltimore is desperate enough and the right amount of remaining talent to take care of the Browns at home.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Cardinals @ Lions

Matthew Stafford is a living bobblehead doll. After self-destructing against St. Louis last week, Arizona will aim to dislodge Stafford’s massive head from his shoulders. Detroit deserved that win over Seattle, but it doesn’t change the fact that the Lions are still winless. When it comes to choosing between whether Bruce Arians or Jim Caldwell will have their team sharp and ready, I’m going to take the Black Mannequin every time…just kidding. Jim Caldwell may be unblinking, but that doesn’t mean he’s cool, calm, and collected under pressure. Jim Caldwell does not instill faith in his fellow man.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Patriots @ Cowboys

Did I mention fuck Tom Brady? Dallas doesn’t stand a chance with Brandon Weeden.

Win: New England Patriots

Broncos @ Raiders

At some point, Peyton is going to slip up and he won’t be able to make enough throws to win the game. However, that hasn’t happened yet. Despite everyone critiquing Manning’s arm strength and every single throw, Peyton has completed the necessary passes to put the team in a position to win. The defense has cemented the game, and it’s a fucking shame that Peyton never had such a defense in his prime. Denver desperately needs to C.J. Anderson to be an effective bell cow with Ronnie Hillman sprinkled in to change the pace and swing for homeruns. The Broncos will lose games here and there, and Oakland could conceivably give them their first ding today. Watch out for Latavius Murray catching passes.

Win: Denver Broncos

49ers @ Giants

When San Francisco went into the season with Blaine Gabbert as their backup, the 49ers were basically saying that Colin Kaepernick would be their starting QB as long as he’s healthy. With the way Kaepernick has been self-destructing, Jim Tomsula may want to crawl back under his bridge. What would Kaepernick have to do to get benched? On the other side, the Giants have surprisingly lucked into a great position with every division rival being utter dogshit. New York is hindered by their inability to run the ball, but Eli should make enough throws against the San Francisco’s shitty pass defense.

Win: New York Giants

Steelers @ Chargers

Well, we know Pittsburgh has a championship-caliber offense. No version of the vaunted Steel Curtain exists today, and Michael Vick is far past his prime—even that Vick wasn’t worthy of a Super Bowl. So when does Big Ben and his big chins get back? San Diego is not a special team by any measure, but they’re bad enough to lose to shitty teams while being competent enough to beat good competition in close games. I don’t know what Philip Rivers will show up today, but it has to better than a bootleg Michael Vick.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Overall: 32-16
Last Week: 14-2

Ravens @ Steelers

Pittsburgh went from having a QB that is a rapist to one that is a dog murderer. Somehow, the shitty Steelers bandwagon fans are still the worst part of this franchise. Total idiots waving their Terrible Towels while foaming from the mouth. Even if Michael Vick manages to turn back the clock, I let go of those dirty deeds and I’d much rather actively root against the Steelers. As much as I dislike the Ravens, Baltimore can’t fall to 0-4 and drop out of the playoff race this early—they’re always annoying late into the season.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Jets @ Dolphins

London Alert! It’s nice that news has leaked of Miami possibly leaving Joe Philbin in London if the Dolphins lose. Hopefully that means the Ndamu-Diddy Kong Suh continues to roll over and the entire defense allows Ryan Fitzpatrick to dink-and-dunk the Jets to a win. Under Todd Bowles, New York’s defense is much improved and Ryan Tannehill will find it difficult to complete passes against Darrell Revis, Antonio Cromartie, Buster Skrine, and company. Rest assured the Dolphins will be eager to get back to South Beach after this forced overseas “home” game. It’s a good thing these games are never worthwhile matchups. England must hate us for thrusting Jaguars and Dolphins football on them year after year.

Win: New York Jets

Texans @ Falcons

Atlanta is good. Houston is bad. The Falcons aren’t that good. The Texans aren’t that bad. This game will be closer than most will probably expect, but I wouldn’t trust Ryan Mallett on the road with any odds. I’ll continue to enjoy J.J. Watt trying to push this miserable Houston team with his hard work and commitment. Keep chopping those logs with your pure grit, you grating asshole. I can’t believe people like J.J. Watt—hard selling his dedication and everyman appeal has made him insufferable.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Giants @ Bills

Even without Sammy Watkins and LeSean McCoy, there’s not much reason to think Buffalo will blow this home game against the “in-state” rival Giants. Karlos Williams could dominate New York on the ground with dual-threat Tyrod Taylor continuing to extend plays and move the offense. The Giants defense is aggressively average and they desperately need to give Jason Pierre-Paul a half-thumbs up so someone can rush the passer. Somehow, I think Eli Manning will pull this road win out of his ass. New York is destined to go 8-8 and inexplicably beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl again. This is fate.

Win: New York Giants

Raiders @ Bears

Clausen

You might have heard that every single Bears offensive drive last week ended in a punt. A perfect 10-for-10 in ineffectiveness. Jimmy Clausen is historically horrendous. Chicago mercifully traded Jared Allen to a team where he can do his job. Matt Forte has become the face of the Chicago Bears since the retirement of Brian Urlacher so he’s damned to die on the Bears. The Raiders would be moronic if they don’t stuff the box to remove any running room for Forte and put all the responsibility on Clausen. Oakland has a chance to be decent this year and a connection is being developed between Derek Carr and Amari Cooper. With Chicago willingly trading away what defense talent remains, you can expect impressive performances from Derek Carr, Amari Cooper, and Latavius Murray. Let’s be honest, 10 points probably seals the win for Oakland—unless Chicago can score a defensive TD or two against the Raiders.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Chiefs @ Bengals

People can continue to make fun of Peyton Manning’s arm strength all they want. But it’s a miracle Manning is still playing after his neck surgeries. What is Alex Smith’s excuse? Kansas City cannot connect on downfield passes beyond 20 yards, and worse, they don’t even try. I have no idea how Jamaal Charles carries the Chiefs, but Kansas City’s ceiling has clearly been established. Pacman Jones will rip off someone’s head and jump a pass for a pick-6 against Alex Smith. Andy Dalton predictably doesn’t have my trust, but Cincinnati is strong enough to secure the lead and force Alex Smith to beat them.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Jaguars @ Colts

Did anyone remember Matt Hasselback was still in the NFL? Andrew Luck has struck fear in the hearts of Colts fans by possibly being doubtful/questionable/probable. Even if Luck slaps on his Abe Lincoln beard and goes to work, the offensive line cannot keep him upright. Matt Hasselback may certainly be a corpse at this stage in his career, but a respectable backup should be able to manage a win at home against the Jaguars. Jacksonville is doomed to suck forever—well, until they leave for London. Indianapolis has zero depth at running back, but the Colts need to rely on Frank Gore for most of this game and look for a few downfield shots with T.Y. Hilton (avoid Andrew Johnson at all costs) to escape with the victory.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Panthers @ Buccaneers

Jameis Winston’s ceiling is probably Cam Newton. And I feel like Cam Newton has been better than anyone could have reasonably expected. With no talent in the supporting cast, Cam Newton is tasked with carrying the entire team on his shoulders. Miraculously, Carolina has a chance in their shitty division because of Cam. Black Superman has literally done a full head-over-heels flip into the end zone while leading the Panthers to 3-0 and more of the same should happen in a rout of Tampa Bay.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Eagles @ Redskins

A mysterious foot injury to Colt McCoy has forced RG Knee into active backup duty in Washington. I’m sure he’ll only end up playing over the dead bodies of Kirk Cousins and Jay Gruden. Don’t put it past Dan Snyder to kill both of them with his bare hands. Kirk Cousins is so terrible that Griffin could seriously see the field. Kirk Cousins aspires to be Alex Smith. I doubt Chip Kelly has learned anything and the offense is still likely in disarray. But not even Washington fans want to show up at home so maybe the team follows suit. While Matt Jones has injected life into the Redskins, Philadelphia has more talent.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Browns @ Chargers

A lot of unwatchable games on the NFL slate, but this is the winner. Cleveland predictably regressed to boring the minute Josh McCown was re-inserted as starting QB. The Browns should be finding out if John Football can succeed as a starter instead of dicking around in the guise of coddling him. Take the reins of Li’l Romo and allow some excitement in Cleveland for once. If you’re going to suck, be interesting. Look at San Diego: the Chargers legitimately suck this year, but I stupidly keep picking them to win because Philip Rivers used to be good. San Diego can’t field a healthy offensive line and the team isn’t above-average in any aspect. I shouldn’t expect them to win, but Josh McCown is going on the road and that’s reason enough for me. Watch Rivers proceed to get carted off in the 1st Quarter. Actually, that wouldn’t be so bad if his jaw is wired shut and Philip Rivers finally has to shut his fucking mouth.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Vikings @ Broncos

While I’m clearly biased, the Vikings/Broncos matchup is the best game of the week. Despite being at home, Denver will face an imposing challenge against the Minnesota defense. With the Vikings bottling up the run in the last two weeks, C.J. Anderson is going to continue to struggle like he’s running in quick sand. Why would defenses not drop back and look to pick off Peyton’s wounded ducks? But Manning is making things work and the Broncos are working through their difficulties while being undefeated. Teddy Bridgewater isn’t a substantial threat throwing the ball, but Adrian Peterson could make life difficult for Denver. Like with Alex Smith, what is Teddy Bridgewater’s excuse for weak arm strength?

Win: Denver Broncos

Rams @ Cardinals

Arizona has been unreasonably unstoppable on offense and defense. With the Rams being served on a platter, expect the Cardinals to continue feasting at home. I live in Arizona and it’s clear that the fair weather fans are out in full force with the Cardinals actually being good under Bruce Arians. But it’s ridiculous to refer to University of Phoenix Stadium as The Red Sea. Let’s not try to self-impose that stupid nickname. Jeff Fisher will have the Rams ready to compete in a tough road game against a division rival. However, Todd Gurley isn’t at 100% strength and Nick Foles is working with a mediocre receiving corps. Arizona is always one Carson Palmer injury away from complete collapse.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Packers @ 49ers

Time for the annual reminder for 49ers fans that California native Aaron Rodgers could have been their starting QB instead of Alex Smith. Perhaps Rodgers would have failed as well with Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary as head coach. With Colin Kaepernick lofting interceptions, San Francisco doesn’t have a prayer against Green Bay with Rodgers putting on a weekly QB clinic. The 49ers have been embarrassed back-to-back weeks against the Steelers and Cardinals—Ben Rapistberger and Carson Palmer aren’t even in the same category as Aaron Rodgers. It is going to be a long year of Jim Tomsula press conferences.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Cowboys @ Saints

Ahmed 1
Ahmed 2
Ahmed 3

Anyone remember Ahmed Johnson of wrestling fame in the WWF Attitude Era? Turns out that Ahmed Johnson (real name of Anthony Norris) was a middle linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys in 1990 and 1991. In the spirit of the brick shithouse, I am going to name the Brandon Weeden era as the Pearl River Plunge—because watching Brandon Weeden as an NFL QB is like being powerbombed by a big scary black guy. Luke McCown didn’t embarrass himself last week, but New Orleans only has a chance as long as Drew Brees is healthy. Former Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan is frothing and foaming for the opportunity to ruin Dallas, but that’s a double-edge sword because the Saints aren’t talented enough to cover anyone. Watch, Cole Beasley will have a monster game for some reason. But Brandon Weeden is susceptible of folding under pressure and being destroyed like the Spanish announcing table.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Lions @ Seahawks

Have we come to the realization that Matt Stafford may not be very good? Sure, he could be dealing with injuries at not at full capacity, but he’s underachieved for years. Calvin Johnson is still dominant at times, but his prime (the absolute pinnacle of his career) was wasted. Jim Caldwell will remain resolute and unblinking in the face of pressure, but that’s just because he’s a black mannequin. Seattle started to get healthy last week against Chicago and the Seahawks want to continue that dominance against Detroit. The Lions will put up a better fight than the Bears, but Detroit is in for a long failure of a season.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Overall: 18-14
Last Week: 6-10

Redskins @ Giants

Eli Face
I can sleep easy at night knowing that when Peyton retires at the end of the year, I’ll still have Eli to hold me over until I have to wait nearly 20 years for Peyton Manning’s twins—Marshall and Mosley—to enter the NFL. For years now, I’ve made the argument that Eli is a Top 10 QB. While Eli seemingly enjoys mirroring his career after a teeter-totter, I still believe he can elevate a mediocre team and make enough plays to be elite. The Giants aren’t as bad as their recent blunders suggest and no one wants to see insufferable Redskins fans with their racist owner enjoying an undefeated start.

Win: New York Giants

Raiders @ Browns

Cleveland was threatening to become interesting under John Football. As a result, no more fun can be had so it’s back to the bench for Li’l Romo. I like Josh McCown, he seems like a cool enough guy—maybe it’s because he’s a Dolph Lundgren impersonator. But having Josh McCown as your starting QB is a sign to get ready for the coming football apocalypse. Watch out, the Raiders are verging on punchy. This will be a horrible game to watch, but it’ll give Oakland a reason for optimism if Derek Carr can lead the Raiders to a victory against a stout Cleveland defense—a week after pulling off a surprising upset against Baltimore. At least the Browns can learn how well Johnny Manziel can hold a clipboard.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Falcons @ Cowboys

Weeden 1

Weeden 2

Weeden 3

Oh my God, that’s BRANDON WEEDEN’s theme music! Cue the hilarious montage of Brandon Weeden moments. With Tony Romo and Dez Bryant out for lengthy stints, the Cowboys place all the pressure on the shoulders of Brandon Weeden and notorious shoplifter Joseph Randle. Staked with a 2-0 start of the season, Dallas will probably be fine. But in the meanwhile, we get to enjoy Brandon Weeden doing Brandon Weeden things. Atlanta might be getting overhyped now after a fluky win over the Giants last week—combined with their opening domination of Philadelphia, which could’ve been because the Eagles suck. Matt Ryan better take care of business on the road and beat Brandon Weeden.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Colts @ Titans

Ryan Grigson looks like a used car salesman. At the least, he looks like a sleazy insurance salesman. Whatever he’s selling, I’m not buying. Adding Frank Gore and Andre Johnson has aged Indianapolis’ offense 10 years. The offensive line is and has always been utter shit. After Boom Herron provided some moxie last year, the Colts now have zero depth behind Frank Gore—who I love, but it’s a miracle his career actually happened considering how blown up both of his knees were in college. They are so desperate that re-signing Ahmad Bradshaw is an option. And he would be an improvement. Until his leg snaps again. Andrew Luck deserves better. His development has been stunted since Bruce Arians left. Pep Hamilton is just awful. Somehow, the Colts have two above average tight ends that never get used, and it’s not like they’re busy railroading in the run game. But still, Indianapolis is playing Tennessee. If the 0-2 start extends to 0-3, then there will be a mutiny. Jim Irsay might have a few belts with some magic pills and fire both Grigson and Pagano before flying back home. In that case, Jim Irsay becomes King as GM/Coach of the Colts. Daddy would be so proud! Please free Andrew Luck from this tyranny.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Steelers @ Rams

St. Louis shit the bed on the road against Washington. If the Rams buck up at home and beat the Steelers, then I give up. Although my hatred for bandwagon Steelers fans is steadfast, I do love that Mike Tomlin has decided to forgo standard NFL conservatism in favor of exploiting the advantage of going for 2 points instead of a 1-point field goal. I would hope the same of Jeff Fisher, but that mustache screams conservative and his growing belly screams for more food.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Chargers @ Vikings

A bland matchup between two equally boring teams. Both are okay. I don’t give a shit about this game. So let’s just say the AFC is better than the NFC and call that the reason San Diego wins.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Jaguars @ Patriots

This seems like the game where LeGarrette Blount lumbers to 4 TDs. Fuck Tom Brady.

Win: New England Patriots

Eagles @ Jets

Do you smell that? The tire fire in Philadelphia has such thick, black smoke pluming that the shitcloud is moving over New Jersey this weekend. I sincerely hope that the Eagles continue to suck. It’s just so entertaining to see Chip Kelly fail miserably. He’s an angry little Cabbage Patch doll with an undeserved sense of arrogance. Unfortunately, things have to balance out eventually. Right? If the Jets defense continues to swarm and overwhelm Sam Bradford, then that sound you hear in Philadelphia is every sports talk radio host orgasming at the same time. But I don’t trust Ryan Fitzpatrick with anything important, and New York could be operating with a wounded running attack.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Saints @ Panthers

Remember what I said about having Josh McCown as your starting QB is a sign to get ready for the coming football apocalypse? Well the football hellscape has already swept through Louisiana. Drew Brees’ shoulder was held together by staples, voodoo, and the souls of young children. Last week, a fatal blow befell Brees. Now the star of Verizon’s current commercial campaign, Luke McCown, is your starting QB of the New Orleans Saints! Shine, you little star! The apocalypse has begun in the bayou. Carolina should be so embarrassed that they cease to exist if they lose to the little McCown reject.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Bengals @ Ravens

Baltimore blows off their own foot last week against Oakland. It doesn’t make much sense to expect a better showing against the Bengals, but I’m betting against Andy Dalton nearly every time. Even without Suggs, the Ravens should be able to scheme themselves into a win by pressuring Dalton.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Buccaneers @ Texans

Enjoy your shit sandwich, local NFL fans in Tampa Bay and Houston! This artisan turd will leave a horrific taste in your mouth. By my NFL Chaos Theory, the Texans will win this home game and the Colts will take care of the Titans on the road to give us a 4-team tie in the AFC South. Parity!

Win: Houston Texans

49ers @ Cardinals

Will there reach a point when Cardinals fans stop cringing at every shot Carson Palmer takes below the belt? Even if Palmer makes it off the field against San Francisco in one piece, there’s always the chance some 49ers fans will attack him in the parking lot. Never discount that possibility.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Bills @ Dolphins

Who could have imagined Ndamukong Suh would be so terrible after having trucks of money pull into his driveway? Did we learn nothing from the Albert Haynesworth debacle? Suh has no incentive to be any good. He’ll continue to swim in money in South Beach. Miami is the worst. I never gave any thought to the Dolphins imploding against Jacksonville. I mean, it’s the Jaguars. But the choke job is proof they aren’t a serious contender with Joe Philbin coaching. Buffalo is still the same mediocre offense and incredible defense. I hope the Bills enjoy being the new Jets. Who cares who wins this?

Win: Buffalo Bills

Bears @ Seahawks

Congratulations, Chicago. You managed to gather together the most unlikable quarterback duo possible with Jay Cutler and Jimmy Clausen. That overwhelming wave of depression hitting the Windy City is what I like to call the Clausen Effect. Seattle gets to use Jimmy Clausen as the sacrificial lamb in their slaughtering ritual that starts them on the right path back to becoming a Super Bowl contender.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Broncos @ Lions

In Peyton I Trust. Sure, he needs a couple people to undress him after games. That’s what all that sweet Papa John’s money is for—he can afford to be bathed like Eddie Murphy in Coming to America. I don’t trust Gary Kubiak with anything, much less the end of Peyton Manning’s career. The one positive out of the Kubiak hiring is that ex-mall Santa Wade Phillips is coaching up that Denver defense. I don’t know what he’s doing, but that jolly fat man sure is fun to watch on the sidelines. Hopefully, this is the week that C.J. Anderson gets healthy and helps restore balance to the force. If not, then we’ll be in store for another 50+ shotgun passes from Peyton while the defense is tasked with winning the game.

Win: Denver Broncos

Chiefs @ Packers

Aaron Rodgers is an absolute joy to watch. Those starry blue eyes. That cannon firing off at odd angles. Blessed with the ability to turn water into wine, the Packers trot out scabs and scrubs that are somehow playmakers like James Jones’ corpse. Kansas City turtled against Denver and choked away last week’s game. The Chiefs specialize in close games, but Aaron Rodgers will find some way to will Green Bay to victory. If Eddie Lacy misses the game, then expect James Starks to inexplicably run for 100 yards.

Win: Green Bay Packers