Posts Tagged ‘Jim Caldwell’

Overall: 100-60
Last Week: 9-5

Eagles @ Lions

It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without terrible football. Would you rather socialize and get stuck in miserable small talk with family and friends or zone out like a zombie watching two awful teams try to get through the short week unscathed? Watching the Lions struggle every Thanksgiving is an American tradition. While Detroit is coming together as a competitive team again under the guidance of ol’ Jim Bob Cooter, the entire Philadelphia Eagles franchise is fed up with Chip Kelly and a loss to the Lions might be the final straw. Philadelphia won’t fire Chip because they’re already paying him and the temptation of a return to college will always be there with lucrative offers. So the question becomes: will Chip Kelly quit? Take a look at that man’s face and tell me he wouldn’t jump ship to a primetime college opportunity like LSU or Texas. Chip Kelly is not the victim here. If he jumps ship, he’s abandoning a ship he built and staffed with his hand-picked crew after the ship sailed into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. That ship is too far off shore for there to be any survivors. Everyone is just going to freeze to death. I hope those rational, sane Eagles fans we all know so well are able to look back and realize where it all went wrong. You don’t give a crazy man the keys to the city then get shocked when he shits all over the place and runs away.

Win: Detroit Lions

Panthers @ Cowboys

So Tony Romo does make a world of difference—compelling the Cowboys to be competitive. Dallas finally got back on the winning side of the ledger last week, but they run into the undefeated Panthers today. Happy Thanksgiving! The Cowboys will likely be thankful if Tony Romo is still able to stand upright after the game. Carolina is going to lose eventually. New England is capable of threatening to run the gamut undefeated (as we’ve seen before), but the Panthers aren’t that type of team. Although Carolina has constructed a versatile, stout defense with playmakers at every level, the offense still runs completely through Cam Newton. Inevitably, Cam will have a face-plant performance and the supporting cast won’t be able to carry the team to victory. We all know Jonathan Stewart isn’t great. I can’t name a healthy wide receiver aside from Funchess bunches and that’s only because he’s a 1st round rookie. Is this the team that still employs that dinosaur Jerricho Cotchery? Maybe Carolina crumbles in this game, but I doubt Dallas is the team who can confuse Cam and give him trouble. Whoever can contain Cam and stall out the offense will be the first team to poke a hole in the tough exterior of the Panthers. Looking at the schedule, Dallas stands as good of a chance as any of the other upcoming mediocre teams, but I’ll give the advantage to New Orleans due to the familiarity with their division rival and the fact that Rob Ryan is finally fucking gone—permanently left to enjoy his own personal, perpetual state of Mardi Gras.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Bears @ Packers

Rodgers-Cutler

Chicago should have beaten Brock Osweiler and the Broncos last week. Osweiler’s first touchdown was a completely broken play where the Bears defense just outright refused to tackle. It was an embarrassment. And that flub probably cost them the game. If not, John Fox trying run little Jeremy Langford right through Denver’s defense on the 2-point conversion certainly sealed Chicago’s fate. I don’t care what his weight is listed at on the program. Jeremy Langford looks like he’s 180 pounds when soaking wet. That’s not a good decision against arguably the best (or most talented) defense in the NFL. I know no one trusts Smokin’ Jay, but the Bears’ only chance to come back and win that game was on the back of Cutler. Smokin’ Jay hasn’t been horrible, but he’ll take another step back next year once Adam Gase gets a head coaching gig by virtue of making Cutler slightly above-average. I wasn’t shocked by a conservative John Fox in the same manner I wasn’t shocked that Aaron Rodgers found a way to guide Green Bay to a much-needed win over the division rival Vikings. Even with a giant talent void sucking the potential greatness of Green Bay down the drain, Aaron Rodgers is capable of bringing them back from the brink every time. We’ll look back on this era and lament the lacking supporting that Green Bay has given Rodgers—just as the Colts failed Peyton Manning. James Jones wearing a hooded sweatshirt under his jersey last week is the perfect encapsulation of this weird hobo team the Packers have patched together around Aaron Rodgers.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Overall: 91-55
Last Week: 3-11

Welp, Week 10 went about as well for me as it did Peyton Manning—easily my worst week ever. Maybe it’s not a good idea to pick winners on a whim and type frantically for 15 minutes before I head out the door for an event. I didn’t get to watch a single second of football last week, but that looks like it was for the best. This week, I get a glimpse of football life after Peyton Manning. I couldn’t be less interested in these matchups. And I don’t even get the joy of seeing Eli awkwardly move around trying to make plays for the Giants. Someone needs to ascend to the top and knock off the Patriots. The Giants are following the formula of sleepwalking through the regular season to set up a miraculous playoff run that culminates in a Super Bowl against New England. This must happen. Help us, Eli. You’re our only hope.

Titans @ Jaguars

Congratulations, NFL. You’ve found the Thursday matchup that absolutely no one (including the home fans of Tennessee and Jacksonville) will watch. You didn’t even have to turn people off with your ridiculous “color rush” scheme that fucks with those who are color blind. Sadly, the Jaguars still have a reasonable shot at the division if they beat Tennessee and take advantage of their easy end-of-season schedule. I don’t want to live in a world where Jacksonville and Blake Bortles make the playoffs.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Colts @ Falcons

So much for the Falcons turning the page and becoming a new team after Mike Smith. It turns out hiring Seattle’s latest defense lackey doesn’t automatically turn your defense into a poor man’s version of the Legion of Boom. By the way, Legion of Boom is such an awful nickname that cannot be used when a son of the Legion of Doom plays top-notch defense in the same division. Officially, there is no Legion of Boom and everyone must now start calling the Rams’ linebacker corps as the Legion of Doom—start painting James Laurinaitis’ face in the Animal makeup right fucking now. Back to this boring matchup of old man Hasselback against milquetoast Matt Ryan. There’s no reason Atlanta should lose this game, but I also can’t think of a compelling reason they’ll win aside from Julio Jones. Despite his all-world talent, the easiest playmaker for a defense to take away is a team’s No. 1 receiver. But can the colts stop Atlanta’s running attack? Nothing made sense last week so why not pick one more thing that doesn’t make sense.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Broncos @ Bears

Let the Brock Osweiler era begin! I would rather see a crippled Peyton Manning play against the Bears. Have we considered the possibility that Gary Kubiak wanted Peyton Manning to get hurt beyond repair? Kubiak doesn’t have the mental acumen, but he damn sure looks like an evil genius who would seem more at home in a Bond movie petting his cat. Denver should have just let Peyton Manning be a player-coach in his final season before eventually hiring Kubiak. John Elway can’t be pleased with Kubiak’s shitty job, but his reasoning appeared to be more in line with “anyone is better than John Fox” rather than “look at how mediocre my former backup is at being a coach”. If anyone watches this game, it is because they’re interested in seeing how that gangly fuck Brock Ock performs. Even though Jay Cutler has been respectable this season, no one can muster a fuck to give. Sucking but not bad enough to get an elite QB is a familiar position for the Bears. That’s how they ended up with Cutler in the first place.

Win: Chicago Bears

Raiders @ Lions

Jim Caldwell’s strategy has worked! Everyone else has been fired except the Black Mannequin. His brilliant idea to stand still without blinking has confused and actually convinced the Lions’ owner into thinking he’s not even there. Martha Ford has the same vision as the fake T-Rex from Jurassic Park. Eventually, someone in the front office will point out to poor Martha that the lifeless black man on the sidelines isn’t a realistic statue of an old Detroit coach. Let’s allow Jim Caldwell to enjoy his one moment of genius before he gets shit-canned this offseason and then Martha Ford hands over the reigns to ol’ Jim Bob Cooter. It’s not very often that the Oakland Raiders get to face a franchise that’s more dysfunctional than them. For fuck sakes, look at Mark Davis’ Lloyd Christmas haircut. Al Davis is in hell rolling laughing at his son’s hair.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Cowboys @ Dolphins

Tony Romo is back just in time to bring the Cowboys back from the brink of obscurity and return Dallas to their comfortable, rightful position of mediocrity. Last year was an aberration. Even with a healthy Romo next season, Dallas is not a juggernaut—last year’s sudden turn was the result of everything breaking their way. I’m not sure if the Cowboys can stop Dan Campbell and the Dolphins from punching them in the mouth repeatedly today. I don’t think anyone would be shocked to see a Dallas loss on the road in Miami. But there has to be some reason the Cowboys have decided to bring Romo back and risk further injury. This will be a sloppy unwatchable game, but Dallas has to beat someone at some point.

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Buccaneers @ Eagles

Charlie Kelly

How did I just now realize the Philadelphia Eagles are run by a person who is legally called Charlie Kelly? I demand to see Charlie Day get in character as Charlie Kelly dressed up as Chip Kelly wildly gesticulating on the sidelines. It can’t be any worse than real Chip Kelly calling the plays. Congratulations, Philly. You are now collectively one step closer to It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia becoming your reality rather than simply mocking your existence as underground, gutter trash. Jameis should feel right at home.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Redskins @ Panthers

Redskins fans have convinced themselves that Kirk Cousins is their long-term answer. No wonder sleazy Dan Snyder is able to brainwash these gullible idiots out of more money every year. Good luck with the whitest QB known to mankind. In fact, that’s probably the selling point for the section of fans who are really into the team’s racist nickname. I can’t wait for more letters from angry moms that aren’t afraid to air their bigotry out in public. Continue directing your daughter’s attention to the sex objects masquerading as underpaid cheerleaders, you fucking idiots. There are so many more offensive aspects to the NFL fan experience like drunk fans and sponsorships than anything Cam Newton does on the football field.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Rams @ Ravens

Do you know how horrid Nick Foles has to play in order to be benched for Case Keenum? Really fucking bad. Kerry Collins right now with one foot in the grave would have been an upgrade on Nick Foles. I don’t have any faith in Case Keenum, but Todd Gurley has already proven to be a such a special talent that he could carry the Rams on his back. Baltimore seems due for some good luck finally after being fucked out of multiple wins by NFL officiating. But I can’t back Joe Flacco when the Ravens have absolutely no one to catch or run the ball. Halloween has passed and Justin Forsett is turning back into a pumpkin, which leaves the Ravens royally screwed. Baltimore’s defense is not the same without a known murderer roaming the middle of the field, and Case Keenum might honestly be able to take advantage.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Jets @ Texans

We already passed the point where Blaine Gabbert is starting an NFL game. Why not T.J. Yates? I remember Yates from his first go-around with Houston when the Texans lost Matt Schaub to injury—forcing a younger Yates into action in the playoffs. Suffice to say, there’s a reason Yates was no longer welcome in Houston before the Texans reached maximum desperation with pouting baby Ryan Mallett. Imagine if the Texans just stuck with Ryan Fitzpatrick. Sure, Fitzy isn’t flashy and his ceiling is supremely low, but you know the level of mediocrity you’re getting with Ryan Fitzpatrick. That level of mediocrity was damn sure good enough to ensure the Texans this AFC South title. While the Jets have started playing more like the Jets recently, New York’s defense should threaten bodily harm to T.J. Yates several times and the offense is capable of scoring enough field goals to win—as long as Brandon Marshall doesn’t drop 7 passes.

Win: New York Jets

Chiefs @ Chargers

Kansas City may really have something here with Charcandrick West. Charcandrick is playing like Charmander—burning opposing defenses game after game. It’s hard to trust an Andy Reid team lead by Alex Smith, but the Chiefs have a remarkably easy schedule down the stretch. San Diego doesn’t have any healthy receivers. At this point, I think they’ve been given default receivers with fake names like Inman and Outman just so they can field a full team. With talent, Philip Rivers is good enough to challenge for the playoffs. Without a supporting cast, this is the Philip Rivers you get. At least Chargers fans get to enjoy San Diego…until the franchise moves to Los Angeles in a year or two.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Packers @ Vikings

Olivia Munn isn’t the problem. No Jordy Nelson and the franchise’s philosophy of “anyone can catch passes from Aaron Rodgers” is the problem. Green Bay hasn’t been the same offensively since the catastrophic injury to JerMichael Finley. Has the team even attempted to replace the playmaking TE? Not a chance. Instead, I think they picked up a random black guy who claimed to be a distant cousin to Aaron Rodgers—Roger Rodgers or something like that. When Jordy Nelson was lost for the year during the preseason, Green Bay’s genius idea was to pick up James Jones from the scrap heap and hope the magic of Green and Gold brought him back to life. And that actually worked for a few weeks. But no one can gain separation and everyone has focused on Randall Cobb because he’s the only genuine threat remaining. What the fuck is Aaron Rodgers supposed to do except run around and hope the defense falls apart? Especially when Fat Elvis has decided to glue Eddie Lacy’s ass to the bench in favor for another mediocre player the Packers drafted. Maybe spending some money on free agent talent is an idea to consider. Green Bay is in jeopardy of being passed by the Minnesota Vikings. It feels weird to say that out loud. Somehow, some way, Aaron Rodgers is winning this game and breaking the freezing cold hearts of Vikings fans.

Win: Green Bay Packers

49ers @ Seahawks

San Francisco finally found an injury excuse to kick Colin Kaepernick out of the locker room. This is Blaine Gabbert’s team! YYYEEEAAAHHHHH!!!!! Jim Tomsula couldn’t be more pumped to have an underdog like him leading these men. Sadly, Gabbert’s “momentum” will come to a screeching halt in Seattle against the Seahawks—who might finally be pissed off after being embarrassed by Arizona. Russell Wilson is too busy not fucking Ciara to care about going back to the Super Bowl. Seattle still doesn’t have any idea what to do with Jimmy Graham or how to put together a coherent offensive game plan. But the Seahawks could probably sleepwalk once again and beat these Gabbert-led 49ers.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Bengals @ Cardinals

Andy Dalton finally turned into Andy Dalton. We expected that. Everyone knew that was coming at some point, we just had to wait for the other shoe to drop. But did anyone expect that to happen against the Houston Texans? The Red Rocket’s face turned dog-dick red in embarrassment after the game, which was only made worse by his lame beef with J.J. Watt. We will now witness the descent of Andy Dalton. Cincinnati wishes they could have Carson Palmer back. I’m legitimately shocked that Carson Palmer has resurrected his career and surpassed of he performed at his previous highest level. I think you can give that credit to Bruce Arians. Arizona lucked into a great coach that works extremely well with Steve Keim and the Cardinals’ front office. With a straight face, you can now say that the Arizona Cardinals are one of the most talented teams in the NFL—both offensively and defensively.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Bills @ Patriots

Fuck Rex Ryan, his massive horse mouth, and his giant white teeth. Fuck Tom Brady. Fuck Bill Belichick. Fuck that big dumb goofy polar bear Rob Gronkowski—catching footballs with his stupid face.

Win: New England Patriots

Overall: 52-25
Last Week: 8-6

Falcons @ Saints

There’s a common theme this week: some teams aren’t as good as they seem. Entering Week 6, there are a handful of teams who are due for a reversal in luck and record. Atlanta against New Orleans is one such scenario. As long as Drew Brees’ stapled shoulder holds together with some extra duct tape, the Saints should be in contention for the NFC South. The Saints are very flawed, but they have the ability to beat anyone. Atlanta struggled to overcome the Redskins last week. The Falcons simply aren’t this good. Adding Julio Jones’ injury concerns makes Atlanta ripe for an upset. However, the Falcons benefit from a fluffy schedule—facing the Titans, Buccaneers, and 49ers in the coming weeks before coasting into their bye—so expect to see Atlanta remain at the top of the division for a while.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Bengals @ Bills

Andy Dalton is not this good. I still don’t believe he’s actually good. Buffalo hasn’t been healthy at any point this year, but Orchard Park is not a fun place to play for opposing teams. Let’s see The Red Rocket put the Bengals on his back in this road matchup. The Bills struggle to score points even with their full arsenal, but it looks like E.J. Manuel is going to try to impersonate a quarterback and maybe LeSean McCoy can limp around for some yards. I don’t expect the Bills to win the game so much as I hope the Bengals (and Dalton) blow the game. If one thing is for sure, it’s that Andy Dalton blows.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Broncos @ Browns

Peyton Manning is getting in the Halloween spirit early this year by impersonating Frankenstein. It is difficult to watch Peyton playing right now, but it’s not because of his injuries. Manning’s ineffectiveness is partly his responsibility, but the Broncos have a terrible offensive line and their running backs have not been able to break tackles when the defense is already in the backfield. Denver is missing one of the best LT with Ryan Clady’s injury and their rookie LT Ty Sambrailo is now injured as well. Last-minute FA pick-up Evan Mathis is hurt and this patchwork piece of shit line is incapable of protecting and blocking. Even this prime scoring opportunity against Cleveland will be a difficult slog for the Denver offense. Fortunately, the Broncos defense has been the perfect safety net. Peyton needs to pull the team together to develop some cohesion if the Broncos are going to do anything in the playoffs. He remains their best chance to win, but it is such a damn shame he never had this defense in his prime.

Win: Denver Broncos

Bears @ Lions

Pink Jim Caldwell

Detroit sucks. The Lions also suck. All things Detroit suck. But can the Lions be this bad? After being robbed of a victory against Seattle, the Lions collapsed just like the city of Detroit. On the other side, Jay Cutler has brought some life back to Chicago, but these Bears aren’t coming back from the brink. Matt Forte could easily carry Chicago to a road victory by himself, but something tells me that the Lions find a way to finally win. The Black Mannequin is a figure of unwavering courage in the face of defeat.

Win: Detroit Lions

Dolphins @ Titans

Another painfully boring, uninteresting matchup. Muscle-bound meathead Dan Campbell wasn’t any good when he was playing and now he’s thrust into captaining the Titanic on its way down. The Titans should be able to take advantage of the reeling Dolphins who already want the season to end so they can go back to their regular jobs of enjoying South Beach. No one on that team gives a shit.

Win: Tennessee Titans

Chiefs @ Vikings

“Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car.” Kansas City has been successful because they rode that car until the wheels fell off. For the second time in the past few years, Jamaal Charles snapped his ACL. Good luck, Chiefs. Kansas City now has some guy named Charmander West running the ball. Of course, Charmander isn’t his name, but it’s just as ridiculous as his real name—Charcandrick. Naturally, I have Charcandrick West on my fantasy team now for the name alone. Minnesota is competent enough to hang around as an 8-8 team with the potential to win a few more—possibly entering the playoff picture. Alex Smith is incapable of carrying a Chiefs team without Jamaal Charles.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Redskins @ Jets

Defeat is always lurking with one Kirk Cousins interception looming in the distance. The pressure from the Jets pass rush will force Cousins into mistakes. Ryan Fitzpatrick is Kirk Cousins’ ceiling, but he’s not even there yet. He needs to go through about 5-6 more teams before he enters his journeyman prime. New York has a nice foundation, but my faith in the Jets is more of a result of Washington’s ineptitude.

Win: New York Jets

Cardinals @ Steelers

Pittsburgh snatched victory from the jaws of defeat last week against San Diego. Michael Vick made maybe one great throw on the deep TD pass while the team lived and died with Le’Veon Bell. The Steelers almost lost on the last minute play when Bell’s momentum stopped, but Le’Veon leaped over a defender at his legs to get the extra push into the end zone. Until Rapistberger re-enters (willingly, this time), the Steelers best chance remains running with Le’Veon Bell. Arizona doesn’t need to push the envelope in order to win the game—just contain Le’Veon Bell and let Vick give the game to the Cardinals.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Texans @ Jaguars

Brian Hoyer vs. Blake Bortles! How do these teams have fans?

Win: Houston Texans

Panthers @ Seahawks

Cam Newton is a special talent. But Carolina isn’t this good. Seattle collapsed last week against Cincinnati, but the Seahawks have a track record of success against the Panthers. The defense doesn’t lock anyone down anymore with Cary Williams in the secondary and the offensive line can’t protect Russell Wilson to save his life. Jimmy Graham is and always was a horrible fit for this team because they never take advantage down the seam. Seattle seemed more dangerous with Luke Willson (not that Luke Wilson) running those routes and hitting a few homeruns on occasion because the defense didn’t expect it. The Seahawks have no idea what they’re doing on offense, but they’ll scratch out enough to win.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Chargers @ Packers

Aaron Rodgers is not losing to Philip Rivers at Lambeau. End of analysis.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Ravens @ 49ers

As much as San Francisco sucks, every 49ers game is watchable because of the many faces of Jim Tomsula. I never want this man to leave the sidelines. However, he’ll need to start winning games at some point or someone’s head is going on the chopping block. Is Jim Tomsula scared? Fuck no. Jim Tomsula doesn’t coach scared. But Colin Kaepernick plays scared. Unfortunately, Blaine Gabbert (yeah, that guy is still in the league somehow) is the 49ers backup. Please get Jim Tomsula a QB who doesn’t piss his pants in the face of pressure. Jim Tomsula only reserves that tactic when it’s really cold and you need to get warm real quick. The 49ers could probably pick up a better QB off the street. Literally, off the streets. Jim Tomsula really appreciates that type of courage in a man. Luckily, the 49ers have a punching chance with Steve Smith still sidelined and Baltimore trying to work with a makeshift offense. The Ravens should win unless Joe Flacco gets locked into Jim Tomsula’s steely gaze long enough for the 49ers to BLUDGEON!

Bludgeon

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Patriots @ Colts

Fuck Tom Brady. Andrew Luck might return for this game, but he’s not 100% and the Colts can’t compete with the Patriots when healthy. This game will get ugly even if Brady doesn’t throw the ball. Indianapolis cannot stop New England from running the ball down their throats and their secondary is burnable on every deep pass. Someone please step up and stop these insufferable Patriots.

Win: New England Patriots

Giants @ Eagles

Watch out, the Giants could threaten to take control of this division. But we can’t have that because that would fuck up this team’s 8-8 destiny and ultimate fate of knocking off the previously undefeated Patriots. Philadelphia is starting to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Not so secretly, I hope it fails. This is one of those classic boring matchups that might seem better in retrospect because of how close it is when in reality it is simply the fact that both teams are viciously mediocre in all aspects. Go football!

Win: Philadelphia Eagles