Posts Tagged ‘Jim Tomsula’

Overall: 128-80
Last Week: 10-6

Buccaneers @ Rams

This could and should be the last game the Rams play in St. Louis, which is a shithole of appropriate proportions. It’s not quite at the epic status of Cleveland or any other city in Ohio, but St. Louis is on the fast track to that fate if they publicly finance a stadium for this awful football team. The economic impact from a publicly financed stadium is negligible. With 8 home games a year, a stadium paid for by taxpayers isn’t going to suddenly bring in a boatload of money or create meaningful jobs. Billionaires are billionaires for a reason. Stan Kroenke and the NFL can afford to build their own stadium without having the public foot a large, substantial portion of the bill. It’s all about city pride. It will say a lot about St. Louis if they give in and let the NFL force them to finance an ugly new venue in their old ugly city. The Rams suck and have sucked for so long. Just let them go. You can’t convince me people truly care about this franchise.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Jets @ Cowboys

Have we seen the last of Jason Garrett in Dallas? You can’t blame the ginger for having Brandon Weeden as his backup QB (unless he campaigned in solidarity with his orange-haired brethren), but the Cowboys’ inability to play football without Tony Romo has been very apparent. After years of sticking with Garrett and reducing his responsibilities, Jerry Jones gave him Brandon Weeden and Matt Cassell as QB depth while also sabotaging the coach’s authority by signing Greg Hardy and making excuses every week for why he’s an asshole. Now Sean Payton is set to be a FA coach and a reunion with the Cowboys makes as much sense as anything else. I still think Payton will settle in popping pills on South Beach, but I wouldn’t be surprised by anything—including Johnny Manziel joining his hometown Cowboys.

Win: New York Jets

Texans @ Colts

Any time Clipboard Jesus has an actual opportunity to enter the game, then you know the Colts are in serious trouble. Indianapolis still doesn’t have Andrew Luck back and their defense continues to somehow get worse. Now there’s a realistic chance the Texans or even Jaguars could win the AFC South. What a clusterfuck of an NFL season. Can we just fast forward to the championship games?

Win: Houston Texans

Bears @ Vikings

Minnesota can’t upset the likes of Green Bay or Arizona, but the Vikings should pillage the village of Chicago and maul the Bears. When Jay Cutler sees his breath in the cold air this time of year, it just reminds him how he would rather be chain-smoking cigarettes than playing football.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Titans @ Patriots

Fuck Tom Brady. Even in an alternate universe, New England is not losing to the Tennessee Titans.

Win: New England Patriots

Panthers @ Giants

Carolina is rolling and has a genuine opportunity to end the regular season undefeated. It makes no sense to select the Giants as the team to end the streak. But Eli can get hot and Odell Beckham could demolish everyone in the Panthers secondary—including semi-god Josh Norman. Jonathan Stewart is injured, which could seriously threaten Carolina’s ability to move the ball without Cam Newton. Of course, Black Superman could just punish New York on the ground by himself. It won’t be a popular pick, but I’ll go with dumb luck and hope this is the week where I catch the Giants on the winning side of the teeter-totter. Admit it, you would prefer to see that beady-eyed, tattered old teddy bear Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning in the playoffs than Jon Gruden’s fat, angry dysfunctional brother and Kirk Cousins.

Win: New York Giants

Bills @ Redskins

Washington is nothing special. They are a team made of Wonderbread—perfectly bland and boring, just like their milquetoast QB. The Redskins making the playoffs would be the worst thing that could happen for the NFC East. At least the Giants and Eagles are mildly interesting. Let’s collectively put our hopes into the Bills pulling off this road win against those Redskins. Of course, we all know this will end with Rex Ryan crying on the sidelines with his foot in his mouth while his team commits hari-kari via penalties.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Falcons @ Jaguars

In fantasy news no one cares about: I started the season with Tony Romo, Le’Veon Bell, C.J. Anderson, and Jimmy Graham—now I’m in the playoffs with Blake Bortles, DeAngelo Williams, David Johnson, and Antonio Gates. Blake Bortles has single-handedly carried fantasy teams down the playoffs stretch. It doesn’t matter if he’s actually any good. People will now give him a Philip Rivers-esque pass because he’s helped thousands of fantasy teams, which of course ends in Week 16 so even the end of the regular season doesn’t matter. The Jaguars could faceplant here against a surprisingly awful Atlanta Falcons team and no one would care unless Blake Bortles doesn’t deliver 20+ fantasy points.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Chiefs @ Ravens

If Brock Osweiler continues to play like his evil vampire twin Robert Pattinson, Kansas City has a serious chance to win the division. The Chiefs just have to avoid the dreaded Andy Reid game where he falls over himself in crucial moments of time management. Meanwhile, the Ravens suck so much that they might put Matt Schaub behind center without being 100%. When the alternatives are Jimmy Clausen and newly signed Ryan Mallett, it’s simply a choice between which turd is the best. Just let each QB play a quarter and then the best performer takes the reigns in the last quarter. Beyond blind luck, I don’t give the Ravens much of a chance even at home in the cozy confines of Bal’more a.k.a. Murder City.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Packers @ Raiders

Oakland is as feisty as their head coach Jack Del Rio. But this is a game where Aaron Rodgers should dominate the Raiders defense for an easy victory. Green Bay’s defense isn’t exceptional by any means, but the Packers should post enough point for it to make no difference. I expect the greatest quarterback playing to perform better against this team than Twilight imposter Brock Osweiler.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Browns @ Seahawks

Well John Football fared substantially better than I expected, but can that continue in Seattle against the Seahawks? No fucking way. Russell Wilson will cheese his way to 30 points against this broken Browns team despite having no Marshawn Lynch or Thomas Rawls running the ball. Proving even further that Seattle did not need to lose one of their only good linemen for Jimmy Graham. They didn’t even have a clue how to use him properly anyway. Now this annoying hipster Michael Myers is coming back again.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Broncos @ Steelers

Brock Stop

Sadly, Peyton Manning might never return to football. With a busted foot (where the remedy for plantar fasciitis is breaking the arch), we aren’t likely to see a healthy Peyton capable of returning for the playoffs. And the Broncos may not be able to reach the playoffs anyway if Brock Osweiler continues to perform like dogshit. Could Robert Pattinson at least act like a better quarterback? Unlikely. Denver’s temperamental defense will be exposed this week for their lack of discipline against the Steelers. I fully expect Pittsburgh to struggle, but ultimately execute better than the Broncos on offense.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Dolphins @ Chargers

Ryan Tannehill against Philip Rivers. What a miserable watch. I’ve never trusted any San Diego running backs since LaDainian Tomlinson, but apparently Melvin Gordon hasn’t even scored a touchdown this year. Both of these teams are pathetic, but Miami has a slight advantage in terms of healthy talent. I wouldn’t be surprised if Rivers pulls a 3-TD performance out of his ass though.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Bengals @ 49ers

The Andy Dalton thumbs up photo last week was the mark of the beast. I just thought it was a funny picture. Apparently, it had the power to doom Andy Dalton and possibly the Bengals playoff chances by injuring his…thumb! I’m not getting enough credit for this voodoo. Cincinnati now turns to A.J. McCarron. While I don’t trust Blaine Gabbert, I would prefer to ride with my homeboy Jim Tomsula than trust that Alabama douche nozzle salesman. I bet Jim Tomsula has 100 different uses for douche nozzles. I’d love to hear the story about how he killed a bear with a douche nozzle.

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Cardinals @ Eagles

Charlie Kelly cannot get out of his own way. The Eagles have no idea how to use DeMarco Murray and Kelly’s vanilla offensive scheme is useless without playmakers. The up-tempo pace has only proven to tire out the Eagles defense, which doesn’t need any help in terms of being bad. Arizona should dominate this game. In fact, if the Cardinals struggle, that should be indicative of larger concerns for Arizona’s hopes of a deep playoff run. Philadelphia is not a team that should pose a problem to a championship contender.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Lions @ Saints

What a great Monday Night Football matchup. Two QBs people used to think were good but are not any longer—for different reasons. A mishmash of generic running backs that you couldn’t find a great duo even if you combined the teams. Two shitty defenses and an overall lack of playmaking talent. Ugh, who would watch this outside of Detroit and New Orleans? Drew Brees is near the end of his line, but I’d put more faith in Brees than Matthew Stafford and his giant jaw.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Advertisements

Overall: 118-74
Last Week: 10-6

Vikings @ Cardinals

We all know who Minnesota is as a team and what you can count on them to do. The Vikings are competent against equal or lesser teams, but they cannot rise to the occasion against the elite. You know the Packers would beat them last week. You know the Cardinals will beat them this week. In big games, Minnesota turtles back into their shell with a conservative game plan. They’ll do something stupid like keep Adrian Peterson on the bench for long stretches of the game or run him out of the shotgun formation. Teddy Bridgewater is decent, but he can’t carry the Vikings without collapsing. Mike Zimmer and Norv Turner know that too and the imposed restrictions are evident. With the surprising amount of speed on Minnesota’s offense, it’s a shame the Vikings didn’t give someone like Tyrod Taylor a chance because their best asset (game-breaking speed) can’t be exploited with Bridgewater’s lack of an arm. Look at the Cardinals this game and salivate at how Bruce Arians takes advantage of guys like John Brown, J.J. Nelson, and David Johnson with Carson Palmer. It is a thing of beauty in the NFL.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Redskins @ Bears

I’ve lost track—or never tried keeping track in the first place—whether both of these teams are technically still in the playoff hunt. I believe the Bears have finally proven their middling status, but the Redskins are likely alive because of their dogshit division. Kirk Cousins is not a good quarterback, but he operates Jay Gruden’s shitty system at an okay efficiency. That’s enough for the Redskins’ racist fan base to proclaim him the greatest QB. Their motto should be, “Anyone but RG Knee!” This point in the season is typically when Jay Cutler can’t stop thinking about going home so he can drink himself to sleep and ignore his annoying wife and screaming kids. As always, Jay Cutler is a miserable prick.

Win: Washington Redskins

Steelers @ Bengals

Dalton Thumbs Up

In a slate of awful liquid garbage, this Pittsburgh-Cincinnati divisional matchup is probably the best game. Too bad I hate both teams. The Steelers are entertaining to watch offensively—even if they do have a rapist at QB. And the Bengals entrust Andy Dalton with their team’s welfare, which is why they’ve earned an early exit every year in the playoffs. I think this game will serve as evidence for yet another premature departure for Cincinnati. It’s mandatory for everything and everyone in Ohio to suck.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

49ers @ Browns

As I predicted last week, the Austin Davis Experience lasted all of one game. Cleveland lost a game of evaluating Johnny Manziel because they were too proud to backtrack after booting his ass from starting once that whole scandal hit. But in all likelihood, we know this shit doesn’t matter. Mike Pettine and the coaching staff made their evaluation of Johnny Manziel, and their opinion has been widely known for a while. Either crazy ol’ Jimmy Haslam fires yet another head coach and searches for a puppet regime to give John Football one more undeserved opportunity…or they trade Manziel to the Cowboys for a futile late future draft pick. I have no idea what the hell is going to happen, but there is no way that both Pettine and Manziel return to their prospective positions together next year. The Browns are actually making the 49ers look like a competent franchise. And they have a hobo as a head coach!

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Chargers @ Chiefs

Philip Rivers is sick with the flu. The diseased state of San Diego’s roster must have finally gotten to poor Phil. Or maybe one of his 17 children is sick and infected him. Regardless, the Chargers were not likely to come away with a road win at Arrowhead Stadium. Andy Reid delighted in killing fantasy teams with the timeshare between Charcandrick West and Spencer Ware. But they could probably pull Larry Johnson out of retirement and he could run for 100 yards—diaper and all. Alex Smith still sucks and Kansas City is an easy choice to bet against in the first round of the playoffs. We’ve watched this story before.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Lions @ Rams

Everyone seems to think this is the end for Jeff Fisher in St. Louis. Perhaps. Have the Rams ever had a good QB since Kurt Warner? Marc Bulger doesn’t count—he was merely decent. Jeff Fisher should be held responsible for that most recent stretch of QBs with mediocre ceilings. But can you imagine St. Louis with a good quarterback? Although they’ve done it with some questionable character, the Rams have a solid roster and a huge potential star in Todd Gurley. Give them Matt Stafford and you might see a 10-6 playoff team. In fact, can we just combine these two teams? St. Louis would give them a great defense upgraded by Detroit’s playmakers and you put Todd Gurley on the Lions offense with Stafford and Calvin Johnson. I’ll take that team to destroy anyone in the NFC East. The Lions should devour the Rams who might be in the process of quitting on their coach and defensive coordinator—sleazy villain-looking Gregg Williams.

Win: Detroit Lions

Titans @ Jets

I picked against the Titans last week and they burned me again. Let’s go for two! I cannot predict what either of these two awful franchises will do. If I could predict a tie, I would because that makes perfect sense. The Jets at least have a willingness to spend even if it means they are still terrible. Look at them overpay to bring back Darrelle Revis—not so surprisingly just in time to experience his full decline phase. And then you have Antonio Cromarte and his 29 kids farting around the stadium. I’ll take that over Tennessee’s no-name roster. I think of them literally as Marcus Mariota and a CFL team.

Win: New York Jets

Bills @ Eagles

What would you do with a RB that led the league in carries and production last year who calls you up in the offseason and sells himself to you? It’s a hefty contract and the player’s style doesn’t fit with your offensive philosophy. When his production predictably slips and he personally pulls the owner aside to complain about you, how would you handle the situation? Well, apparently Charlie Kelly has decided to demote DeMarco Murray to 4th string for this prime matchup against his former RB who has publicly called him a racist. Good media relations is not Charlie Kelly’s strong suit. It has become abundantly clear that Chip is not long for the NFL. His team has given up on him because he treats them like cyborgs who should never break down or fail to execute his idiotic scheme that just wants more plays as soon as possible. It doesn’t matter if those plays aren’t good and lead to losing possessions. More, more, more! Somehow, inexplicably the Eagles are still in the division race because the NFC East is just the worst. Benching DeMarco Murray and another back-breaking loss might finally lead to Philadelphia fans storming the stadium with torches and pitchforks. Unless the Eagles fire him, I expect Charlie Kelly to stick around for the paycheck. Like Marsellus Wallace said, “Pride only hurts, it never helps.” Enjoy what you deserve, Philly.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Saints @ Buccaneers

What a shit show. Brandon Browner is unjustifiably insane. Despite being terrible and getting burned on countless plays, he’s still convinced himself that he’s good. It’s sad. And last week, he had the audacity to get up in his defensive coordinator’s face. New Orleans probably still has more talent, but their organization is in shambles and everyone knows Sean Payton is orchestrating his exit—most likely, to pop pills in South Beach. Jameis Winston should just target whoever is being covered by Brandon Browner for the easiest 5-TD game he’ll ever have. They did put up a fight against Carolina last week as I thought, but New Orleans is on its last legs before the shitstorm hits this offseason.

Win: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Falcons @ Panthers

Division opponents might be Carolina’s toughest test. But their divisional competition sucks. Atlanta has arguably regressed more with the firing of Mike Smith and hiring of Dan Quinn. The Falcons’ offense used to be special with the threat of big plays. Moronically, Kyle Shanahan refuses to take advantage of Julio Jones downfield. Atlanta’s defense hasn’t been impressive and they’re not suddenly transforming into the Legion of Boom just because of Dan Quinn. Expect Cam Newton to continue to play with a giant smile plastered across his face while he laughs in the face of opponents. You cannot touch this.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Colts @ Jaguars

This is just as bad as Saints-Bucs and Titans-Jets. When is Andrew Luck back? Last week’s Matt Hasselback injury gave everyone the friendly reminder that Chaz Whitehurst is still around. Yep, the Colts have Clipboard Jesus and it might be time to turn to him as your savior. Of course, that always means losing every game because Whitehurst is terrible. He loves churning out paychecks as an NFL backup. Being thrust into action exposes Whitehurst’s grift. As much as I enjoyed Blake Bortles’ offensive explosion last week, I don’t trust him to put together back-to-back good performances.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Seahawks @ Ravens

Jimmy Clausen Alert! Remember when Jimmy Clausen started against Seattle earlier this year and the Bears didn’t manage to do anything other than punt? And Chicago had offensive talent. Everyone intentionally broke something on the Ravens offense so they could go home and get the hell away from Baltimore. Matt Schaub broke his head last week! Watch out, we might see our first football decapitation live on TV this week. Would that make the Seattle Seahawks ISIS? Yes. Yes it would.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Raiders @ Broncos

I don’t trust Brock Osweiler and neither should the Broncos. For all the hullabaloo about how great Denver has been without Peyton Manning, Brock Osweiler has been predictably mediocre. With the support of incredibly stupid officiating decisions and several chances, Osweiler showed up when it was important late against the Patriots and the supporting cast propped him up on their shoulders. Denver isn’t winning because of Brock Osweiler. While it would probably be an important development opportunity, I think it would be a mistake to continue to start Brock Osweiler if Peyton Manning is healthy. Maybe Manning never gets healthy and it’s not a factor, but Denver has a higher ceiling with Peyton in his final season. He can still make the throws and put the team in the best position to win. I question whether you’ll see the first big crack in Osweiler’s armor this week against the Raiders. But the defense should still be good enough to carry the team and limit the opportunities for Oakland.

Win: Denver Broncos

Cowboys @ Packers

I kinda miss Brandon Weeden. At least with Weeden, the Cowboys were laughably bad. Now it’s just a boring, bland level of suckitude for Dallas. It seems inevitable that we’ll see a Texas homecoming for John Football. Until then, we have to suffer through the comfortable mediocrity of Matt Cassell. Green Bay is a team with their own issues, but not at quarterback. Aaron Rodgers will continue to have his prime wasted by Green Bay’s inability to provide ample support—most importantly defensively, but offensively as well. Their insistence on sticking with Mike McCarthy and Dom Capers has resulted in the Packers only in position to win one Super Bowl. It’s the same thing the Colts did to Peyton Manning. At least Peyton had Edgerrin and Marvin. Aaron Rodgers has to win games by throwing a 70-yard hail mary to his distant cousin Roger Rodgers. He throws TDs to a homeless man wearing a hoodie under his jersey!

Win: Green Bay Packers

Patriots @ Texans

Fuck Tom Brady. Remarkably mediocre is how Brady looks without that monster polar bear manhandling everyone. Unfortunately, it appears Gronk has now been given the regenerative powers of Wolverine because he may be back already. Hopefully that polar bear bites J.J. Watt’s other hand off. With one broken hand, how will J.J. Watt masturbate to Victoria Secret’s supermodel runway show? Unless Brady gets snapped in half, there is no way Belicheat is losing to Bill O’Brien.

Win: New England Patriots

Giants @ Dolphins

The Giants must have buried Tom Coughlin in the Pet Sematary. He is an unstoppable killing machine that cannot be reasoned with—ever since he came back from the dead. Tom Coughlin is unnatural, which must be why his face gets so red and weathered when exposed to the elements. If Dan Campbell stormed across the field and invaded the New York sidelines to punch Tom Coughlin in the face, I’m pretty sure the old man would disintegrate into dust and transform back into his bodily form across the field to taunt Campbell. This year has been yet another underwhelming, disappointing season for the Giants with plenty of speculation whether this is the end for Tom Coughlin. Rest assured, we’ll see his ass again next year freezing to death and becoming a human popsicle like Jack in The Shining. A win down in Miami might actually help New York separate just enough from the rest of the NFC East.

Win: New York Giants

Overall: 108-68
Last Week: 8-8

Packers @ Lions

Detroit pulled off the improbable upset against Green Bay at Lambeau earlier this year during Week 10. The Lions aren’t sweeping this season series. But something is clearly wrong with the Packers. Injuries aside, this underperformance might finally lead to the ousting of Mike McCarthy. Only the cheapness of the Packers is likely to save him—couple with yet another injury excuse. Fat Elvis is leaving the building!

Win: Green Bay Packers

Texans @ Bills

Buffalo has taken on the identity of Rex Ryan very early. The Bills are an undisciplined mess that garners flags on every other play. This is the team that took in Richie Not So Incognito with open arms. It’s easy to forget because he’s injured (shocker!), but the Bills also brought in well-known cancer Percy Harvin into their locker room. Thankfully Percy chucked up the deuces and bailed as soon as he got hurt again. Harvin is a diminutive 5’11” guy that is such a Bad Mother Fucker that basically the entire NFL fears him—in a personal sense, not actually on the field anymore. He probably had to remove himself from the situation before he just started cold-cocking guys because they suck so much. I don’t believe in Houston’s resurgence, but it’s clear dumping Ryan Mallett was the right choice. Enjoy your “defensive struggle” that’s really two shitty offensive teams struggling to score touchdowns.

Win: Buffalo Bills

49ers @ Bears

The Tomsula

Jim Harbaugh is long gone, but there’s somehow still drama in San Francisco’s front office. If Jim Tomsula is looking at you and shaking his head in disapproval, then you know you did something wrong. Typically, Jim Tomsula is just happy to have a roof over his head and an office to sleep at every night. But this is a man of high character that won’t stand for the public (and probably rightful) character assassination and shaming of Colin Kaepernick. That type of good guy probably isn’t long for the NFL. I believe there’s a mandate that you can only be a head coach if you’re an angry, miserable prick.

Win: Chicago Bears

Bengals @ Browns

Josh McCown’s season-ending broken collarbone was like the final Jenga block toppling the unstable, wavering tower. It was pretty much bound to happen, and most people are shocked it wasn’t earlier in the season when McCown helicoptered running the ball. Instead of turning back to John Football with their tails tucked between their legs, the Browns are starting Austin Davis this week against the in-state rival Bengals—and will probably then start Manziel next week. That’s so Cleveland.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Jaguars @ Titans

I’m still holding out hope for Chip Kelly trading himself to the Titans. It’s the only way Tennessee will ever be interesting. I hate both of these teams and anyone who watches this game is doing it for BDSM purposes. Why would you torture yourself with this unwatchable game?

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Cardinals @ Rams

Is there a point that Jeff Fisher could reach where he gets fired? Or is Stan Kroenke too concerned with moving the Rams to Los Angeles as soon as fucking possible? I’m going to side with that option because Fisher’s run with the Rams has been boring and ordinary—not unlike his Titans reign. But St. Louis has worn down Fisher into a run-of-the-mill miserable prick NFL head coach. I miss jovial Jeff Fisher who did crazy things like reveal he’s wearing a Peyton Manning jersey under his suit at some dumb Tony Dungy function. Now Fisher is so jaded and unhappy that his planning this week was throwing darts with Gregg Williams at a picture of Carson Palmer’s knees while laughing maniacally.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Ravens @ Dolphins

We have a Matt Schaub sighting! People are arguing over whether there is a systemic problem underlying the lack of quality quarterbacks at the NFL level. This season and especially over the last few weeks, fans have been subjected to the awful play of Jimmy Clausen, Brandon Weeden, Ryan Mallet, Landry Jones, Matt Cassell, Blaine Gabbert, Case Keenum, and now Matt Schaub. Nope, no problem at all. Move along. Nothing to see here. Maybe Schaub will be so bad that Baltimore turns to their new backup: Jimmy Clausen!

Win: Miami Dolphins

Seahawks @ Vikings

Perhaps Jimmy Graham’s kneecap flying off is the best thing for the Seahawks offense. Russell Wilson can go back to his 20-step drops running around and throwing it to some guy who no one can name. As I said, Seattle is the fucking hipster Michael Myers. Please, someone kill the Seahawks. I don’t want to see this team in the playoffs again. But since my inability to be happy combined with Minnesota’s long illustrious career of sucking and choking, the Vikings will find a way to lose this game. Give Adrian Peterson a long switch and let him go to work. Thanks for making me root for the child abuser!

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Jets @ Giants

I don’t know how this technically a road or home game for either team since they share the same stadium. Neither franchise is fielding a healthy team right now, and they’ll both be satisfied if they don’t leave with more injuries. Welcome to an exciting game of attrition. Yeah, let’s go ahead and add more games to the schedule so we can all be bored out of our minds while backup QBs duel to the death. Brock Ock stuck the first spear into the side of the Patriots last week, but I’m still holding out for the miraculous Giants playoff run that results in an Eli Manning victory and a crying Tom Brady.

Win: New York Giants

Falcons @ Buccaneers

Atlanta already lost to Jameis Winston once this year, right? That can’t possibly happen again. Is Kyle Shanahan the anti-Christ? We still have no idea if Matt Ryan is actually good, but the Falcons are hamstringing Matt Icy Hot by not even dialing up deep throws downfield. Someone needs to shake Shanahan to remind him he doesn’t have Robert Griffin III or Johnny Manziel as his quarterback any longer and that Julio Jones can catch whatever is thrown his way. Atlanta shouldn’t be this bad.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Chiefs @ Raiders

Every time I think the Raiders have turned the corner, they spit in my face and show their true colors. I want to believe Derek Carr is good and Amari Cooper will be a game-changer. But Oakland is still coached by Jack Del Rio, so how good can they be? Man-Walrus Andy Reid doesn’t exactly inspire confidence either, but nearly anyone can run the ball successfully for the Chiefs. Alex Smith will never gain my full trust, but Travis Kelce and Jeremy Maclin have been suitable threats to run after catching short passes. Andy Reid may not be a great NFL head coach. You can’t deny his superb acting in Tusk, though.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Broncos @ Chargers

Congratulations, the NFL referees beat the New England Patriots last week! And I’m a fan of the Broncos. How the end of that game was bumbled was laughable. Sure, there aren’t any officiating issues. To the credit of Denver, C.J. Anderson has looked incredibly different these last few weeks and he just punished the Patriots on the ground. Brock Ock was unstable and will kill the Broncos if Peyton isn’t healthy enough to start in the playoffs. I wouldn’t be shocked if Philip Rivers pulls another improbable performance out of his ass this week, but San Diego is so decimated that Denver should dominate.

Win: Denver Broncos

Eagles @ Patriots

Seriously, fuck Tom Brady. Look at how mediocre Brady was as soon as Gronkowski’s knee bent backwards. It doesn’t matter how many mediocre white wide receivers got hurt. But as soon as that monstrous polar bear stops manhandling everyone, Brady turns back into his unspectacular self. Unfortunately, the national narrative already latched onto the injury bug excuse. Make no mistake, Gronk is the on-field difference-maker. It’s not Brady. Gronk throws linemen to the side as their best run blocker and he’s too damn big for anyone to cover when he runs to catch a pass. When people were shoveling dirt on Brady, it was because Gronk was hurt. Now, the Patriots get to beat the shit out of an Eagles team that’s already given up on Chip Kelly. So we can all look forward to the media fawning over Brady managing to win without anyone to catch his passes. If I were to break down the responsibility of success for the New England: Bill Belichick (65%); Rob Gronkowski (25%); Tom Brady (10%).

Win: New England Patriots

Panthers @ Saints

The Carolina Panthers are the last undefeated team standing. It still feels weird to hear that. At some point, the Panthers will falter and a division game against that Saints is a potential pitfall. The familiarity might make things seem closer, but Carolina is considerably more talented and momentum is in their favor. Cam Newton should pick apart the awful New Orleans defense for yet another win.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Colts @ Steelers

Matt Hasselback is not an unbeatable force. Pittsburgh is a much more formidable foe for Indianapolis than the junk they’ve been cycling through recently. Even with as many injuries as the Steelers have sustained, Pittsburgh is packed with so much offensive talent that their No. 3 WR dominated the Seahawks. Mike Tomlin would be wise to run DeAngelo Williams’ old legs into the ground because the Colts still can’t stop the run and their secondary is overmatched against Rapistberger.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Cowboys @ Redskins

I know the deadline passed, but can’t we trade Johnny Manziel to the Cowboys now? It’s an inevitable failed marriage. At least it will make these painfully mediocre Cowboys more entertaining. I can’t believe the Redskins might be the benefactor of a historically bad NFC East. With Kirk Cousins, nevertheless! YOU LIKE THAT!!! No, I don’t like that. Please stop yelling at me, Kirk.

Win: Washington Redskins

Overall: 102-61
Thanksgiving: 2-1

Vikings @ Falcons

Both Minnesota and Atlanta have aggressively average quarterbacks who will probably be more highly thought of in this era than they truly deserve. Are we sure Matt Ryan is very good? How long has ol’ Matty Ice been in the league? When Matt Ryan entered the league, Roddy White was a consistently dominant weapon at the height of his power. Now that White is washed up, Julio Jones is an unstoppable force and the unquestioned best receiver in the NFL. There was even a small, two-season window where they were elite together. Sure, Matt Ryan can compile stats and complete enough passes to go for 4,000+ yards. But Atlanta has never been raised to another level by Matt Ryan’s performance. Teddy Bridgewater isn’t there yet because of a very conservative approach heavily reliant on the running attack. But all the signs are there and Bridgewater will inch closer to 4,000 yards and a 2:1 TD/INT ratio once Adrian Peterson is no longer the focal point. Although Bridgewater isn’t up to that level right now, Matt Ryan still isn’t good enough for it to make a difference despite being at home in the Georgia Dome.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Rams @ Bengals

Welp, now we know Jeff Fisher isn’t above letting his quarterback die on the field. Jeff Fisher hates Nick Foles to the extent that he was willing to let a clearly concussed Case Keenum get scraped off the turf and stood upright just so Nick Foles couldn’t come back into the game. If Peyton Manning played on the Rams, we would almost assuredly see him still hobbling around on a torn foot with broken ribs. It basically took a near-decapitation of Case Keenum to get Nick Foles back in action. AND the supposed concussion spotter completely ignored what happened so no one protected poor Case Keenum. If we didn’t have footage of his lineman trying to pick up his limp body immediately after the play, Jeff Fisher probably would have pushed Case through the concussion protocol in order to get him cleared to play against the Bengals on the road. Right now, Case Keenum has no idea he’s in Cincinnati. Let’s make sure he’s dressed in street clothes so Jeff Fisher isn’t tempted to throw him out there again when Foles faceplants.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Raiders @ Titans

I hate both of these teams. I have nothing against their players or anything like that. But every time I pick Oakland or Tennessee, they shit the bed and show their true nature. What am I to do in this situation? Somehow, this will turn into our one tie of the season. I can’t wait for the Tennessee Titans to turn from boring to mildly more interesting after trading for Chip Kelly this offseason.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Buccaneers @ Colts

Crab Legs has quietly established himself as decent for a rookie QB. That’s actually an accomplishment. Jameis is boosted by his 5 TD performance last week, but the tools are there for a potential Dante Culpepper-esque player. Taking care of the football needs to be higher priority in order for Jameis to reach that next stage in his development. Indianapolis is always a prime candidate to get torched on defense, but the Colts should take care of another average team to stay on top of the division.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Bills @ Chiefs

Buffalo and Kansas City have similar run-first approaches to offense. However, the Bills can at least threaten to throw the ball downfield. If Rex Ryan’s defense gave Tom Brady so many problems last week, then how the hell is Alex Smith going to complete a pass longer than 5 yards? Playing at Arrowhead is going to exasperate Buffalo’s penalty issues, but the Bills should have the talent and coaching advantage. As long as Tyrod Taylor is healthy, Buffalo pulls off the road win. If E.J. Manuel is forced to do anything but put on Tyrod Taylor’s coat for him (like he’s James fucking Brown or something), then the Bills are going to be in huge trouble because that guy is good for nothing besides sucking frosty snowballs.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Dolphins @ Jets

Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like a hobo. I don’t think Donkey Kong Suh has a problem with attacking a homeless man. In fact, it seems like something new head coach Dan Campbell would condone if it leads to a win. I wasn’t alive the last time these two teams were interesting, but I think there’s still some type of rivalry there. It’s the type of rivalry where no one on the national level can manage to give a fuck. I’m sure the blood will be heated in this Duel of the Ryans—Tannehill vs. Fitzpatrick, there can be only one. That would be the worst gimmick for a new Highlander movie franchise reimaginging.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Giants @ Redskins

Everything about this game screams a win for Washington. The Giants don’t have anything that resembles a healthy offensive line. New York has no running attack so they just throw four guys out there. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins has shown promise has caretaker in the Alex Smith mold. With what is intended to be a home-field advantage, this should be an easy waltz for Washington. But the Giants manage to win games you never expect and then give away games they never should—like against Dallas near the start of the season. The New York Giants’ destiny is an 8-8 season and the undeserved NFC East division title.

Win: New York Giants

Chargers @ Jaguars

Fuck Philip Rivers. I know no one on San Diego is healthy, but Rivers couldn’t manage to throw a single touchdown last week? That’s pathetic. And it will get even worse this week when Blake Bortles and the Jaguars beat the Chargers. It’s like the front office is more focused on a move to Los Angeles than fielding a competitive team on the field. They might as well leave Philip Rivers and his 7 children in San Diego.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Saints @ Texans

Houston will probably win this game at home against a below-average team. But I hate J.J. Watt and he deserves to rot on a shitty Texans franchise without sniffing the playoffs again. The Saints can’t play any worse defensively without Rob Ryan guzzling beers on the sidelines. So maybe Drew Brees pulls one of his improbable 400-yard performances out of his ass for a reminder of the good old times. Then Sean Payton pops a couple painkillers and they enjoy a nice long hug knowing this is their last hoorah.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Cardinals @ 49ers

Another week where I would much rather hear Jim Tomsula talk than watch the 49ers play.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Steelers @ Seahawks

Pittsburgh against Seattle is easily the most entertaining matchup this week. But I still hate both franchises—specifically despising each team’s starting quarterback. I can’t win unless an atomic bomb is dropped on the field. Seriously, I cannot think of a single likeable player on either team. Le’Veon Bell doesn’t count because he shredded his knee, but that’s probably the only contender. The only outcome that would make me happy is if both teams lose. Unfortunately, that won’t happen so Seattle will likely find a way to win to keep lurking around like a stupid hipster Michael Myers.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Patriots @ Broncos

Limp Brady

Fuck Tom Brady. Congratulations, Brock Osweiler, you managed to look mediocre against the middling Bears. Unfortunately, the Patriots don’t just give up on plays and decide not to tackle like that embarrassing Demaryius Thomas touchdown last week. Denver can try to push Peyton out the door all they would like, but there’s a reason they didn’t hand the reins over to Brock Ock at the start of the season. Football isn’t the same without Peyton Manning and the lack of interest in this Patriots-Broncos matchup is a prime example. I wouldn’t put it past Belicheat to go bland and let Osweiler look impressive so they don’t have to see Peyton start again this year. I was at the 4th and 2 Game in Indianapolis when Belicheat was desperately afraid of Manning coming back and winning the game. You can’t tell me that no one wants to see one last Manning vs. Brady matchup in the playoffs. If Peyton can’t topple the Evil Empire, it all falls on Eli’s shoulders. Someone needs to step up and kill the New England Patriots, once and for all.

Win: New England Patriots

Ravens @ Browns

So much for seeing John Football the rest of this season. Johnny Manziel has now shit away his one and only chance at being a starter. I think we can all agree that the only GM stupid enough to give this alcoholic shithead another shot is an alcoholic shithead who just so happens to also own the team—Jerry Jones. We already know Manziel and Jones owe their success to the oil industry and the share a love for partying and shady women. That’s enough for me to predict that Jerry will push to slap a star on Li’l Romo and give him an undeserved second chance. Hopefully crazy Greg Hardy is still there and decides to slam Manziel on a bed of automatic weapons to make this Circle of Hell complete.

Win: Cleveland Browns

Overall: 91-55
Last Week: 3-11

Welp, Week 10 went about as well for me as it did Peyton Manning—easily my worst week ever. Maybe it’s not a good idea to pick winners on a whim and type frantically for 15 minutes before I head out the door for an event. I didn’t get to watch a single second of football last week, but that looks like it was for the best. This week, I get a glimpse of football life after Peyton Manning. I couldn’t be less interested in these matchups. And I don’t even get the joy of seeing Eli awkwardly move around trying to make plays for the Giants. Someone needs to ascend to the top and knock off the Patriots. The Giants are following the formula of sleepwalking through the regular season to set up a miraculous playoff run that culminates in a Super Bowl against New England. This must happen. Help us, Eli. You’re our only hope.

Titans @ Jaguars

Congratulations, NFL. You’ve found the Thursday matchup that absolutely no one (including the home fans of Tennessee and Jacksonville) will watch. You didn’t even have to turn people off with your ridiculous “color rush” scheme that fucks with those who are color blind. Sadly, the Jaguars still have a reasonable shot at the division if they beat Tennessee and take advantage of their easy end-of-season schedule. I don’t want to live in a world where Jacksonville and Blake Bortles make the playoffs.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Colts @ Falcons

So much for the Falcons turning the page and becoming a new team after Mike Smith. It turns out hiring Seattle’s latest defense lackey doesn’t automatically turn your defense into a poor man’s version of the Legion of Boom. By the way, Legion of Boom is such an awful nickname that cannot be used when a son of the Legion of Doom plays top-notch defense in the same division. Officially, there is no Legion of Boom and everyone must now start calling the Rams’ linebacker corps as the Legion of Doom—start painting James Laurinaitis’ face in the Animal makeup right fucking now. Back to this boring matchup of old man Hasselback against milquetoast Matt Ryan. There’s no reason Atlanta should lose this game, but I also can’t think of a compelling reason they’ll win aside from Julio Jones. Despite his all-world talent, the easiest playmaker for a defense to take away is a team’s No. 1 receiver. But can the colts stop Atlanta’s running attack? Nothing made sense last week so why not pick one more thing that doesn’t make sense.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Broncos @ Bears

Let the Brock Osweiler era begin! I would rather see a crippled Peyton Manning play against the Bears. Have we considered the possibility that Gary Kubiak wanted Peyton Manning to get hurt beyond repair? Kubiak doesn’t have the mental acumen, but he damn sure looks like an evil genius who would seem more at home in a Bond movie petting his cat. Denver should have just let Peyton Manning be a player-coach in his final season before eventually hiring Kubiak. John Elway can’t be pleased with Kubiak’s shitty job, but his reasoning appeared to be more in line with “anyone is better than John Fox” rather than “look at how mediocre my former backup is at being a coach”. If anyone watches this game, it is because they’re interested in seeing how that gangly fuck Brock Ock performs. Even though Jay Cutler has been respectable this season, no one can muster a fuck to give. Sucking but not bad enough to get an elite QB is a familiar position for the Bears. That’s how they ended up with Cutler in the first place.

Win: Chicago Bears

Raiders @ Lions

Jim Caldwell’s strategy has worked! Everyone else has been fired except the Black Mannequin. His brilliant idea to stand still without blinking has confused and actually convinced the Lions’ owner into thinking he’s not even there. Martha Ford has the same vision as the fake T-Rex from Jurassic Park. Eventually, someone in the front office will point out to poor Martha that the lifeless black man on the sidelines isn’t a realistic statue of an old Detroit coach. Let’s allow Jim Caldwell to enjoy his one moment of genius before he gets shit-canned this offseason and then Martha Ford hands over the reigns to ol’ Jim Bob Cooter. It’s not very often that the Oakland Raiders get to face a franchise that’s more dysfunctional than them. For fuck sakes, look at Mark Davis’ Lloyd Christmas haircut. Al Davis is in hell rolling laughing at his son’s hair.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Cowboys @ Dolphins

Tony Romo is back just in time to bring the Cowboys back from the brink of obscurity and return Dallas to their comfortable, rightful position of mediocrity. Last year was an aberration. Even with a healthy Romo next season, Dallas is not a juggernaut—last year’s sudden turn was the result of everything breaking their way. I’m not sure if the Cowboys can stop Dan Campbell and the Dolphins from punching them in the mouth repeatedly today. I don’t think anyone would be shocked to see a Dallas loss on the road in Miami. But there has to be some reason the Cowboys have decided to bring Romo back and risk further injury. This will be a sloppy unwatchable game, but Dallas has to beat someone at some point.

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Buccaneers @ Eagles

Charlie Kelly

How did I just now realize the Philadelphia Eagles are run by a person who is legally called Charlie Kelly? I demand to see Charlie Day get in character as Charlie Kelly dressed up as Chip Kelly wildly gesticulating on the sidelines. It can’t be any worse than real Chip Kelly calling the plays. Congratulations, Philly. You are now collectively one step closer to It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia becoming your reality rather than simply mocking your existence as underground, gutter trash. Jameis should feel right at home.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Redskins @ Panthers

Redskins fans have convinced themselves that Kirk Cousins is their long-term answer. No wonder sleazy Dan Snyder is able to brainwash these gullible idiots out of more money every year. Good luck with the whitest QB known to mankind. In fact, that’s probably the selling point for the section of fans who are really into the team’s racist nickname. I can’t wait for more letters from angry moms that aren’t afraid to air their bigotry out in public. Continue directing your daughter’s attention to the sex objects masquerading as underpaid cheerleaders, you fucking idiots. There are so many more offensive aspects to the NFL fan experience like drunk fans and sponsorships than anything Cam Newton does on the football field.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Rams @ Ravens

Do you know how horrid Nick Foles has to play in order to be benched for Case Keenum? Really fucking bad. Kerry Collins right now with one foot in the grave would have been an upgrade on Nick Foles. I don’t have any faith in Case Keenum, but Todd Gurley has already proven to be a such a special talent that he could carry the Rams on his back. Baltimore seems due for some good luck finally after being fucked out of multiple wins by NFL officiating. But I can’t back Joe Flacco when the Ravens have absolutely no one to catch or run the ball. Halloween has passed and Justin Forsett is turning back into a pumpkin, which leaves the Ravens royally screwed. Baltimore’s defense is not the same without a known murderer roaming the middle of the field, and Case Keenum might honestly be able to take advantage.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Jets @ Texans

We already passed the point where Blaine Gabbert is starting an NFL game. Why not T.J. Yates? I remember Yates from his first go-around with Houston when the Texans lost Matt Schaub to injury—forcing a younger Yates into action in the playoffs. Suffice to say, there’s a reason Yates was no longer welcome in Houston before the Texans reached maximum desperation with pouting baby Ryan Mallett. Imagine if the Texans just stuck with Ryan Fitzpatrick. Sure, Fitzy isn’t flashy and his ceiling is supremely low, but you know the level of mediocrity you’re getting with Ryan Fitzpatrick. That level of mediocrity was damn sure good enough to ensure the Texans this AFC South title. While the Jets have started playing more like the Jets recently, New York’s defense should threaten bodily harm to T.J. Yates several times and the offense is capable of scoring enough field goals to win—as long as Brandon Marshall doesn’t drop 7 passes.

Win: New York Jets

Chiefs @ Chargers

Kansas City may really have something here with Charcandrick West. Charcandrick is playing like Charmander—burning opposing defenses game after game. It’s hard to trust an Andy Reid team lead by Alex Smith, but the Chiefs have a remarkably easy schedule down the stretch. San Diego doesn’t have any healthy receivers. At this point, I think they’ve been given default receivers with fake names like Inman and Outman just so they can field a full team. With talent, Philip Rivers is good enough to challenge for the playoffs. Without a supporting cast, this is the Philip Rivers you get. At least Chargers fans get to enjoy San Diego…until the franchise moves to Los Angeles in a year or two.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Packers @ Vikings

Olivia Munn isn’t the problem. No Jordy Nelson and the franchise’s philosophy of “anyone can catch passes from Aaron Rodgers” is the problem. Green Bay hasn’t been the same offensively since the catastrophic injury to JerMichael Finley. Has the team even attempted to replace the playmaking TE? Not a chance. Instead, I think they picked up a random black guy who claimed to be a distant cousin to Aaron Rodgers—Roger Rodgers or something like that. When Jordy Nelson was lost for the year during the preseason, Green Bay’s genius idea was to pick up James Jones from the scrap heap and hope the magic of Green and Gold brought him back to life. And that actually worked for a few weeks. But no one can gain separation and everyone has focused on Randall Cobb because he’s the only genuine threat remaining. What the fuck is Aaron Rodgers supposed to do except run around and hope the defense falls apart? Especially when Fat Elvis has decided to glue Eddie Lacy’s ass to the bench in favor for another mediocre player the Packers drafted. Maybe spending some money on free agent talent is an idea to consider. Green Bay is in jeopardy of being passed by the Minnesota Vikings. It feels weird to say that out loud. Somehow, some way, Aaron Rodgers is winning this game and breaking the freezing cold hearts of Vikings fans.

Win: Green Bay Packers

49ers @ Seahawks

San Francisco finally found an injury excuse to kick Colin Kaepernick out of the locker room. This is Blaine Gabbert’s team! YYYEEEAAAHHHHH!!!!! Jim Tomsula couldn’t be more pumped to have an underdog like him leading these men. Sadly, Gabbert’s “momentum” will come to a screeching halt in Seattle against the Seahawks—who might finally be pissed off after being embarrassed by Arizona. Russell Wilson is too busy not fucking Ciara to care about going back to the Super Bowl. Seattle still doesn’t have any idea what to do with Jimmy Graham or how to put together a coherent offensive game plan. But the Seahawks could probably sleepwalk once again and beat these Gabbert-led 49ers.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Bengals @ Cardinals

Andy Dalton finally turned into Andy Dalton. We expected that. Everyone knew that was coming at some point, we just had to wait for the other shoe to drop. But did anyone expect that to happen against the Houston Texans? The Red Rocket’s face turned dog-dick red in embarrassment after the game, which was only made worse by his lame beef with J.J. Watt. We will now witness the descent of Andy Dalton. Cincinnati wishes they could have Carson Palmer back. I’m legitimately shocked that Carson Palmer has resurrected his career and surpassed of he performed at his previous highest level. I think you can give that credit to Bruce Arians. Arizona lucked into a great coach that works extremely well with Steve Keim and the Cardinals’ front office. With a straight face, you can now say that the Arizona Cardinals are one of the most talented teams in the NFL—both offensively and defensively.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Bills @ Patriots

Fuck Rex Ryan, his massive horse mouth, and his giant white teeth. Fuck Tom Brady. Fuck Bill Belichick. Fuck that big dumb goofy polar bear Rob Gronkowski—catching footballs with his stupid face.

Win: New England Patriots

Overall: 81-38
Last Week: 9-5

Browns @ Bengals

Josh McCown is hurt so John Football is the starting QB for the Browns on the road against one of the toughest teams in the AFC. That’s not a recipe for success for Cleveland. Then again, Cleveland should be used to the bitter taste of defeat by now. I don’t like Johnny Manziel. I don’t think he’ll amount to anything more than Doug Flutie at the end of his career—not good enough to start but capable of keeping his team competitive if he’s forced into action mid-game. Doesn’t Cleveland need to start Manziel the rest of this year just to make sure he’s as limited as they seem to think? Josh McCown is best as a Dolph Lundgren impersonator at this point. Just give into your destiny of suckitude, Cleveland. Ohio is a shithole.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Dolphins @ Bills

Are we sure this game isn’t in London? I have no idea who is healthy on the Bills roster. I think Percy Harvin has turtle AIDS in his hip and I believe someone bit Sammy Watkins’s Achilles heel. All that matters is whether or not E.J. Manuel is playing. That guy is terrible in every language and in every country. I had to look it up, but apparently Tyrod Taylor will be back this week for Buffalo. Everyone was riding the testosterone-fueled Dolphins bandwagon (being pulled by Dan Campbell sprinting and clutching a rope in his teeth) up until New England tore Miami a new asshole. The Dolphins are the same Dolphins, but it does make a difference having a real human being coaching as opposed to the failed android incapable of emotion that was Joe Philbin. When the Dolphins fired Joe Philbin, they just flipped his off switch and stored him in the janitor’s closet for future use. That android is only good for mopping floors.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Rams @ Vikings

These two teams are evenly matched in every regard. Tiebreaker goes to the home team—even though the Rams may be slightly better, St. Louis is abysmal on the road. It’s Foles vs. Bridgewater time, folks!

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Redskins @ Patriots

Kirk Cousins was positively giddy after completing that comeback two weeks ago. Unfortunately, that upset came against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This week, Kirk Cousins gets the pleasure of being dissected and destroyed by Bill Belichick. The Patriots should be embarrassed if they lose a regular season game. There is no way that’s happening at home—even Hell freezing over wouldn’t help with Dan Snyder involved.

Win: New England Patriots

Titans @ Saints

Typically, there’s a shit sandwich or two every week. But this is a special week. The NFL decided to open a smorgasbord of shit for Week 9. It’s a relative poo poo platter for everyone regardless of region or time of day. Ken Whisenhunt already got fired less than 2 years into Tennessee’s awful decision to hire him in the first place. Still, nobody cares. Can some corrupt shit conspire to either get Mariota to the Eagles or Chip Kelly to the Titans? I don’t like Chip Kelly, but if we’re going to have him in the NFL, then I want to see his ridiculous scheme run by someone who has familiarity and talent—rather than the revolving door of mediocrity running rampant in Philadelphia. On the sideline opposite Tennessee, New Orleans is no longer an elite or even above-average tame. But the Saints are traveling back toward respectability and a loss to the new-fangled Titans would be Mularkey. The name’s Mularkey—Mike Mularkey.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Jaguars @ Jets

Let the feast of shit continue with Blake Bortles vs. Anyone But Geno Smith! The Jets are so determined to never let Geno Smith start again that they might seriously glue his pants to the bench. Ryan Fitzpatrick could lop off his thumb and New York would still have more faith in Mr. Harvard. Considering the instability at the QB position for the Jets, I feel almost compelled to take the Jaguars. Almost. While the Jaguars aren’t as Jaguars-y as before, I still don’t trust Jacksonville or Blake Bortles. If Ryan Fitzpatrick can’t throw the ball more than 10 yards, the Jets will just run the Wildcat the rest of the game.

Win: New York Jets

Raiders @ Steelers

The Raiders are much better than I or anyone else thought coming into the season. Has Jack Del Rio really turned this team around? Having watched Jack Del Rio and his leather jacket for several years, I find that hard to believe. But I think Derek Carr is that good—much better than his brother David could have ever dreamed of being at the NFL level. Le’Veon Bell is out this season after destroying his knee again last week, which should make Oakland the road favorite. As much as I would like to bury Pittsburgh, I don’t think this is the last we’ve heard from the Steelers. Much like Jason or Michael Myers, Rapistberger will keep slowly trudging forward and obliterating any obstacles that get in his way of cornering a drunk co-ed in the bathroom of a bar while his bodyguard acts as a lookout.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Packers @ Panthers

Well, that didn’t go very well for Green Bay last week. Aaron Rodgers is an All-World QB, but his supporting cast that’s still healthy isn’t quite up to that level. The Packers will probably struggle to get separation from Carolina as well this week, but I have to believe Green Bay learned something from the Broncos’ controlled demolition of their team. With an improved commitment to running and play-action to give Rodgers the room to tuck it or throw downfield, the Packers should be able produce points offensively against the Panthers. However, I question whether or not Green Bay can control Cam Newton and his gusto.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Falcons @ 49ers

Congratulations, we’ve reached the point in the season when Blaine Gabbert starts for an NFL team.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Giants @ Buccaneers

Eli Manning was unstoppable against New Orleans, but New York still found a way to lose. Fortunately, Jameis Winston is no Drew Brees. The Giants will continue their one step forward, one step back routine this week by getting back on the winning side against Crab Legs and the Buccaneers. Eli Manning is the Luke Skywalker that the universe needs to defeat Darth Brady and Emperor Belicheat.

Win: New York Giants

Broncos @ Colts

If Denver dismantled Aaron Rodgers, what is this Broncos defense capable of against Andrew Luck? Indianapolis nearly completed a miraculous comeback against Carolina, but Andrew Luck couldn’t stop himself from giving the game away. Instead of taking a sack or throwing the ball out of bounds, Luck has been bound and determined to loft up shitty pass after shitty pass. It makes no sense, and I can’t imagine that tendency suddenly stopping. The Broncos got on the right track running the ball right through Green Bay, and Denver should take advantage of Indianapolis’ shitty defense the exact same way. In a sense, it doesn’t matter what Peyton does on offense in this game. While you can’t count on a defensive touchdown, I would guarantee at least an interception and a handful of sacks as Andrew Luck and the Colts’ offense is stifled another week. But if Luck can get healthy and new offensive coordinator Rod Chudzinski can work his TE magic, then Indianapolis still has a chance to remain on top of the worst division in sports.

Win: Denver Broncos

Eagles @ Cowboys

Dallas nearly toppled the Seahawks last week, but that is more of an indictment on Seattle than an example of how close the Cowboys are to competing. Without Tony Romo, Dallas doesn’t stand a chance. Even in a dysfunctional division, Matt Cassell is not capable of consistency to the standard that Dallas requires with their supporting cast. But the Cowboys get a break with the Philadelphia Eagles coming into town. Philadelphia is aggressively awful. They still have no idea how to put their players in the best position for success, and I don’t think Chip Kelly is interested in learning anything new. This will be yet another sloppy, boring game that is so close that people will confuse themselves into believing it was actually a good game. That’s the bread-and-butter of the NFL. I know, we’ll call it…parity!

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Bears @ Chargers

Smokin' Jay's Smug Indifference

I hope Bears fans are happy knowing that Jay Cutler’s level of competence in Adam Gase’s new offense has probably bought him another year and one last chance in Chicago. Sound familiar? That was the same story with Marc Trestman before Cutler imploded. Why should this new situation be any different? Especially now that Matt Forte is on the tail end of his career and there isn’t another focal point in sight. Chicago should have held a fire sale and completely cleaned house in terms of personnel. The Chargers don’t exactly have a home-field advantage in San Diego, which plays to the benefit of the Bears. Despite all of San Diego’s injuries and overall dedication to mediocrity, the Chargers are still more talented than Chicago and will likely win by at least a touchdown. Let’s all sit back and watch Jay Cutler’s smug indifference against Philip Rivers’ whiny incredulous scowl on primetime. It’s MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!

Win: San Diego Chargers

Overall: 72-33
Last Week: 11-3

Dolphins @ Patriots

Fuck Tom Brady. If the Dolphins are going to lose, why not lose dirty and injure Brady? I beg you.

Win: New England Patriots

Lions @ Chiefs

London Alert! Haven’t we already reached our quota for foreign games this year? The Lions have fired practically all of their offensive staff, but do you think Jim Caldwell has blinked? Never, the man is an unwavering, unblinking human mannequin. Detroit has failed Matthew Stafford by letting him remain an entitled Jay Cutler clone with a Jay Leno chin. At least the Lions won’t go winless this year, but it’s hard to imagine Jim Caldwell standing still on the Detroit sidelines next season. The good news for Detroit fans is that they’ll have to force themselves to experience the misery this week by waking up super early to watch these teams flounder against one another in an atrocious, sloppy game that does nothing to sell football to foreign fans. Fire the Black Mannequin already and bring on the Jim Bob Cooter era!

Jim Bob Cooter

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Buccaneers @ Falcons

Tampa Bay blew a massive lead to the Washington Redskins last week. Atlanta might not be very good, but the Falcons have proven competent enough to take care of business at home against one of the league’s worst teams. Plenty of growing pains will still be coming for Crab Legs this year. Expect Jameis to keep the Buccaneers close before throwing a crippling interception on a mind-numbing decision.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Vikings @ Bears

Jay Ratliff just threatened to kill the entire Bears team and wished ill-will on people’s children. For fuck sakes, the man said he was the devil. No, that doesn’t sound like someone who has maybe taken part of too many collisions in football. Let’s just call him crazy and act like football had nothing to do with that. Crazy is Adrian Peterson renting a camel to ride on in his entrance to his birthday party. Or most recently, Adrian Peterson swallowing his chewing tobacco but claiming he was sick because of bad shrimp.

Yo Adrian, the ocean called…they’re running out of shrimp!

And the Jerk Store called…they’re running out of you!

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Cardinals @ Browns

Arizona needed to make an outstanding play on the final drive at home to defeat the reeling Ravens. The Cardinals are a solid team who will be competitive as long as Carson Palmer remains healthy, but this is a very beatable team at times. If Josh McCown was completely healthy, I might have been more willing to predict a Browns upset. However, there’s uncertainty whether we’ll see Li’l Romo in action at some point during this game. Johnny Manziel needs live reps to see if he’s capable of being an NFL starting QB, but the Browns have seemingly made up their minds already. Although you can never completely envision the insanity in Cleveland’s front office, there has to be a reason they don’t trust John Football and maybe there’s more to that recent drunk incident with his booty call. I think Arizona wants to knock out McCown and force Manziel into action. The Cardinals contained and suffocated an aging Michael Vick and the defense would do the same to Manziel. But watch out for McCown slinging the ball in the intermediate to take advantage of Arizona’s linebacker corps that’s somehow counting on Dwight Freeney.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

49ers @ Rams

No one in San Francisco knows what to do with Colin Kaepernick. That’s a bad omen. Sadly, Jim Tomsula might return to that bridge he came from, but this disaster season has hardly been the fault of Jim Tom. San Francisco needs a QB guru with a hard-nosed attitude who can get Kaepernick on the right path back to being a dynamic playmaker with no fear. If you lay out the hat, khakis, whistle, and color-coordinated Sharpie, he will come…and say fuck you to Trent Baalke while daring you to fight him to the death.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Giants @ Saints

Take one step forward, one step back. That’s been the mantra of the Giants. Destined to be crowned King of the NFC East as an 8-8, bask in the mediocrity of New York. In order to keep the old prophecy in-tact, the Giants will lose this week to the Saints—who have historically been a much better team at home in the dome, an inflatable party raft ready to break free for Mardi Gras. I think a much more interesting side story to this game is whether or not we’ll see Sean Payton coaching the Giants in the near future. With Brees breaking down and the rest of the team crumbling, Sean Payton would be wise to jump the sinking ship soon and the possible Dallas Cowboys opening slammed shut last season.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Bengals @ Steelers

I still don’t trust gingers. Rapists don’t have my faith either, but Rapistberger will return for the Steelers this week. No more Michael Vick or Landry Jones! Good news, NFL fans. Pittsburgh is watchable again. Cincinnati’s defense will have to win this game, but I don’t think the Bengals can remain so dominant against tougher competition. With a healthier offense, the Steelers pose quite a challenge if Pittsburgh’s defense can stay out of the way. I expect the Bengals to control most of the game on the ground, but the Steelers will pull out a miracle in front of their terrible, towel-waving home fans.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Chargers @ Ravens

Philip Rivers is a creation of Fantasy Football. At this stage in his career, Rivers will throw a crippling interception or two and then manage to bring the Chargers back into a close game with a boatload of garbage yards. Philip doesn’t dash dreams to the same degree as Smokin’ Jay Cutler, but the same ability of the dark side lingers with every haphazard, sidearm shovel pass. But San Diego fans adore Rivers because of his fiery passion, which borders more on stupid temper tantrum from a toddler than emotional leadership. I bet Rivers yells the same way at home to his 17 kids. He probably blames them when he tries to toss a yogurt cup to one kid and hits them in the head with it. You gotta break off your route and come back to the yogurt cup with soft hands, kid. Otherwise, daddy is going to belt you in the face with it every time. You’ll eat when you can catch your food. Better luck next time, Timmy.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Titans @ Texans

J.J. Watt’s Vengeance Game Against Zach Mettenberger! How dare he have the audacity to grow a mustache and take a selfie on Snapchat last year before being announced as the Titans starting QB.

This is what we’ve all been waiting for…

Win: Houston Texans

Jets @ Raiders

Will Geno Smith ever see the field again for the Jets? Not if New York’s front office and new coach Todd Bowles has any say, apparently. Ryan Fitzpatrick will continue his seesaw play as long as he can stay healthy. It doesn’t matter if Fitzpatrick is necessarily good because he knows Chan Gailey’s offense. In the NFL, familiarity is favored over potential. Even if you’re not very good, a team will stick with you if they know how ungood you are and at what moments. Fitzpatrick has made a living off of short passes and scrambling into good enough field position. With the Jets defense, his job is to not make too many bad decisions. That strategy doesn’t pay dividends against a cutthroat team like the New England Patriots, but a steady hand might be enough to edge out a road win against the Oakland Raiders.

Win: New York Jets

Seahawks @ Cowboys

Well, that really went to shit quickly. Dallas is doing anything and everything to finally win another game. The Cowboys finally glued Brandon Weeden to the bench, but Matt Cassell still has the Dallas faithful praying for the quick, safe return of Tony Romo. Fortunately, Romo is scheduled to return eventually and the NFC East is terrible enough that the Cowboys could conceivably be within striking distance when their savior rises from the dead. In the meanwhile, enjoy watching Matt Cassell get pummeled by the reinvigorated Seahawks pass rush. Seattle isn’t dead yet.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Packers @ Broncos

I love how analysts are making the bold statement that Peyton Manning won’t be able to win in the playoffs if the Broncos can’t beat the Packers in Denver coming off a bye week. Please enlighten us on why it should be so easy to defeat the most unstoppable, dynamic passer in the NFL. Green Bay is also coming off a bye too, you idiots. Peyton already passed the mantle of All-Time Greatest QB to Aaron Rodgers. You’ll see why in this game. As much as I love Peyton Manning, Denver’s all-world defense will prove incapable of containing Rodgers in the air and on the ground. Regardless of where Peyton’s arm strength is at right now, he won’t be able to make enough throws in this game to keep pace with Rodgers.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Colts @ Panthers

Indianapolis needs to fire the GM/coach combo of Ryan Grigson and Chuck Pagano. Unfortunately, the Colts are wasting Andrew Luck and stunting his development by strapping the crumbling franchise to his back. Imagine if the Colts had the brass balls to fire Chuck Pagano mid-chemotherapy and relinquish the team to Bruce Arians. I have no doubt Andrew Luck would continue his ascension to the top of the NFL QB hierarchy. At this point, Cam Newton is head and shoulders above Luck because he’s proven capable of carrying a crappy franchise. I’m pretty sure the Panthers are pulling fans out of the stadium during pre-game and adding them to the revolving door wide receiver corps. Things will continue to get ugly for Indianapolis, but I don’t think there’s another team in the AFC South capable of taking advantage of the situation. The Colts could actually take the division with 7 wins this year.

Win: Carolina Panthers