Posts Tagged ‘Mason’


An ode to mopey suburbia, Boyhood is a boring, bland movie made for boring, bland white people.

Boyhood is ungood and it should fade away into mediocrity forever. Please, everyone shut up about this movie. Can we all agree that Boyhood is only mildly interesting because it was filmed over 12 years? Does it truly enhance your experience by seeing the actors and actresses age on-screen?

It’s a gimmick, nothing more. It’s a joke that Boyhood was nominated for Best Picture.

The question you should ask yourself is would you watch this movie if it were just different actors or old-age makeup? There shouldn’t be anyone out there who wants to see this smelly, stinky turd again. Let me be crass for a bit: Boyhood is the result of Richard Linklater’s 12-year bout of constipation. Every year for 12 years, he sat on the toilet for a few minutes and pushed before letting it brew for another year. I’m happy that Linklater finally had a bowel movement, but I didn’t need to experience it.

Nothing happens in this movie. Not a fucking thing. Nothing at all.

Patricia Arquette

Boyhood is a wretched experience. Even if you watch at home, you will squirm in your seat and check the clock repeatedly throughout the nearly 3-hour runtime. Don’t expect the pace to whisk you away either and make you forget you’re trapped for 3 hours with utterly unlikable characters.

If you’re going to make a movie based on a boy’s childhood, you might want to invest money in some acting classes to be certain he can actually act. Alas, there was no such luck with Ellar Coltrane—who plays the role of Mason. Even his name sounds douchey. Most children are terrible actors so I was willing to give him a pass when the movie started. But every scene becomes more and more excruciating.

By the time he becomes a teenager, I was openly rooting for him to die.

Coltrane’s delivery when he reaches high school age is brutal. Meanwhile, the director’s daughter Lorelei Linklater was surprisingly good as Samantha—Mason’s sister. Boyhood would have benefitted from killing off Mason and focusing on Samantha because Lorelei Linklater actually had talent and charisma. Ellar Coltrane is a complete and total bore. His performance is a fatal flaw for the film.

When the boy in Boyhood cannot captivate the audience’s interest in any scene, it tends to put a damper on enjoying the experience of him growing up before your eyes. I groaned with progressively more frustration as Coltrane continued to flounder. He was hopelessly flopping around like a dead fish.

Ethan Hawke

Maybe it’s just me, but the gimmick didn’t work. Watching Patricia Arquette go from a blonde bombshell to sad old lady with saggy boobs is just sad and depressing. Ethan Hawke does an admirable job, and his cluelessness as an absentee father probably makes him the most entertaining character in the movie. But there’s not enough of Ethan Hawke or anything else for the audience to enjoy in Boyhood.

During many moments, Richard Linklater thinks his script is professing something deep and philosophical. Incorrect, it’s merely stupid existential rambling from the eyes of a character who has never truly experienced anything. This bullshit is a hallmark of people who believe they’re smart.

If you identify with this character, it’s a sign you might be an idiot.

Boyhood doesn’t provide any obstacles to overcome or any lessons to be learned. From my perspective, this is a sloppy mess of mostly fluff and pointless pandering. Congratulations, it worked well enough to fool people into a few Oscar nominations. Everyone should ignore this movie.

As a society, we shouldn’t reward such awful writing. Seize a garbage can to throw up in afterwards.

Seize the Moment

Other Way Around

Moment Seizes Us

1.5 out of 5 stars



Captain America has made Chris Evans a superstar. But has he truly had an opportunity to spread his wings as an actor? For the most part, everything in Evans’ catalog comes off as cloyingly sweet. Quick: name his most memorable role. The first thing that comes to mind for me is Not Another Teen Movie, which is a sad indication of his limited range–self-inflicted by his choice of roles or not.

If Snowpiercer is a harbinger, his time with Marvel is robbing us of some quality Chris Evans performances.

Chris Evans

Despite its faults, Snowpiercer could certainly sneak up on people and find itself on top ten lists at the end of the year. I knew next to nothing about Snowpiercer when I stumbled upon this movie about a month and a half ago. Knowing as little as possible about this movie will maximize your enjoyment and its entertainment value so I’ll carefully attempt to keep anything important close to the vest.

In terms of sci-fi dystopian futures, you’re hard-pressed to find a more bleak depiction of the coming apocalypse. After humanity created a global warming disaster that froze the world, the only remaining humans survive on a never-ending train ride aboard the Snowpiercer, which is powered by a perpetual motion engine controlled by the mysterious Wilford. The inevitable reveal of Wilford is exceptional, and it’s perhaps the most enjoyable sequence in Snowpiercer. Per usual, Chris Evans is playing our hero—albeit in a bit different fashion than we’ve grown accustomed to from Captain America.


A distinct class system exists on the Snowpiercer with the lowest rung at the ass end of the train while the rich and well-off reside near the front of the train. This delicate balance between abject poverty and absolute wealth is not so harmonious as there always seems to be a rebellion brewing. Unsurprisingly, Curtis (played by Chris Evans) fulfills the role of reluctant leader of this potential uprising.


The story unfolds with a calculated pace that keeps you intrigued and on the edge of your seat.


Each reveal of additional information provides another piece of the puzzle. Thanks to some fantastic performances in supporting roles, Snowpiercer is elevated into a more interesting stratosphere of recent sci-fi movies. In addition to Jamie Bell as Edgar and Octavia Spencer as Tanya, two other acting standouts are Kang-ho Song as Namgoong Minsoo and John Hurt as Gilliam. In particular, I hope to see more from Kang-ho Song, who was the lead from The Host in 2006—a fantastic foreign film and one of my all-time favorite creature features. Without Kang-ho Song, the second act of Snowpiercer could have meandered and remained within the cookie cutter confines of most standard sci-fi movies.

John Hurt

Regardless of Chris Evans and the rest of this impressive supporting cast mentioned above, I would argue that Tilda Swinton makes this movie. You can’t even recognize her in the character makeup of Mason, everyone’s least favorite bureaucrat in charge of communicating with the back of the train and maintaining tight control. I only found out that it was actually Tilda Swinton after researching the cast afterwards.

If you think her performance in Snowpiercer was impressive, then I suggest watching We Need to Talk About Kevin for a peak into her impeccable acting range. Although Tilda Swinton isn’t the highest paid actress or the biggest celebrity, she is deservedly among the most respected due to her acting ability.

Chris Evans should be paying attention because he could certainly learn something from her choice of roles and execution each and every time. Hopefully Snowpiercer will earn enough of a cult following that we’ll see fewer roles like Captain America and more performances like Curtis—a complicated, conflicted character that moves beyond a flat, one-dimensional portrayal of a hero. Charisma like that shouldn’t be wasted on movies targeted towards making millions from children’s piggy banks.

Chris Evans needs to know his place. He needs to keep his place.


4.5 out of 5 stars