Posts Tagged ‘Matt Ryan’

Overall: 108-68
Last Week: 8-8

Packers @ Lions

Detroit pulled off the improbable upset against Green Bay at Lambeau earlier this year during Week 10. The Lions aren’t sweeping this season series. But something is clearly wrong with the Packers. Injuries aside, this underperformance might finally lead to the ousting of Mike McCarthy. Only the cheapness of the Packers is likely to save him—couple with yet another injury excuse. Fat Elvis is leaving the building!

Win: Green Bay Packers

Texans @ Bills

Buffalo has taken on the identity of Rex Ryan very early. The Bills are an undisciplined mess that garners flags on every other play. This is the team that took in Richie Not So Incognito with open arms. It’s easy to forget because he’s injured (shocker!), but the Bills also brought in well-known cancer Percy Harvin into their locker room. Thankfully Percy chucked up the deuces and bailed as soon as he got hurt again. Harvin is a diminutive 5’11” guy that is such a Bad Mother Fucker that basically the entire NFL fears him—in a personal sense, not actually on the field anymore. He probably had to remove himself from the situation before he just started cold-cocking guys because they suck so much. I don’t believe in Houston’s resurgence, but it’s clear dumping Ryan Mallett was the right choice. Enjoy your “defensive struggle” that’s really two shitty offensive teams struggling to score touchdowns.

Win: Buffalo Bills

49ers @ Bears

The Tomsula

Jim Harbaugh is long gone, but there’s somehow still drama in San Francisco’s front office. If Jim Tomsula is looking at you and shaking his head in disapproval, then you know you did something wrong. Typically, Jim Tomsula is just happy to have a roof over his head and an office to sleep at every night. But this is a man of high character that won’t stand for the public (and probably rightful) character assassination and shaming of Colin Kaepernick. That type of good guy probably isn’t long for the NFL. I believe there’s a mandate that you can only be a head coach if you’re an angry, miserable prick.

Win: Chicago Bears

Bengals @ Browns

Josh McCown’s season-ending broken collarbone was like the final Jenga block toppling the unstable, wavering tower. It was pretty much bound to happen, and most people are shocked it wasn’t earlier in the season when McCown helicoptered running the ball. Instead of turning back to John Football with their tails tucked between their legs, the Browns are starting Austin Davis this week against the in-state rival Bengals—and will probably then start Manziel next week. That’s so Cleveland.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Jaguars @ Titans

I’m still holding out hope for Chip Kelly trading himself to the Titans. It’s the only way Tennessee will ever be interesting. I hate both of these teams and anyone who watches this game is doing it for BDSM purposes. Why would you torture yourself with this unwatchable game?

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Cardinals @ Rams

Is there a point that Jeff Fisher could reach where he gets fired? Or is Stan Kroenke too concerned with moving the Rams to Los Angeles as soon as fucking possible? I’m going to side with that option because Fisher’s run with the Rams has been boring and ordinary—not unlike his Titans reign. But St. Louis has worn down Fisher into a run-of-the-mill miserable prick NFL head coach. I miss jovial Jeff Fisher who did crazy things like reveal he’s wearing a Peyton Manning jersey under his suit at some dumb Tony Dungy function. Now Fisher is so jaded and unhappy that his planning this week was throwing darts with Gregg Williams at a picture of Carson Palmer’s knees while laughing maniacally.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Ravens @ Dolphins

We have a Matt Schaub sighting! People are arguing over whether there is a systemic problem underlying the lack of quality quarterbacks at the NFL level. This season and especially over the last few weeks, fans have been subjected to the awful play of Jimmy Clausen, Brandon Weeden, Ryan Mallet, Landry Jones, Matt Cassell, Blaine Gabbert, Case Keenum, and now Matt Schaub. Nope, no problem at all. Move along. Nothing to see here. Maybe Schaub will be so bad that Baltimore turns to their new backup: Jimmy Clausen!

Win: Miami Dolphins

Seahawks @ Vikings

Perhaps Jimmy Graham’s kneecap flying off is the best thing for the Seahawks offense. Russell Wilson can go back to his 20-step drops running around and throwing it to some guy who no one can name. As I said, Seattle is the fucking hipster Michael Myers. Please, someone kill the Seahawks. I don’t want to see this team in the playoffs again. But since my inability to be happy combined with Minnesota’s long illustrious career of sucking and choking, the Vikings will find a way to lose this game. Give Adrian Peterson a long switch and let him go to work. Thanks for making me root for the child abuser!

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Jets @ Giants

I don’t know how this technically a road or home game for either team since they share the same stadium. Neither franchise is fielding a healthy team right now, and they’ll both be satisfied if they don’t leave with more injuries. Welcome to an exciting game of attrition. Yeah, let’s go ahead and add more games to the schedule so we can all be bored out of our minds while backup QBs duel to the death. Brock Ock stuck the first spear into the side of the Patriots last week, but I’m still holding out for the miraculous Giants playoff run that results in an Eli Manning victory and a crying Tom Brady.

Win: New York Giants

Falcons @ Buccaneers

Atlanta already lost to Jameis Winston once this year, right? That can’t possibly happen again. Is Kyle Shanahan the anti-Christ? We still have no idea if Matt Ryan is actually good, but the Falcons are hamstringing Matt Icy Hot by not even dialing up deep throws downfield. Someone needs to shake Shanahan to remind him he doesn’t have Robert Griffin III or Johnny Manziel as his quarterback any longer and that Julio Jones can catch whatever is thrown his way. Atlanta shouldn’t be this bad.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Chiefs @ Raiders

Every time I think the Raiders have turned the corner, they spit in my face and show their true colors. I want to believe Derek Carr is good and Amari Cooper will be a game-changer. But Oakland is still coached by Jack Del Rio, so how good can they be? Man-Walrus Andy Reid doesn’t exactly inspire confidence either, but nearly anyone can run the ball successfully for the Chiefs. Alex Smith will never gain my full trust, but Travis Kelce and Jeremy Maclin have been suitable threats to run after catching short passes. Andy Reid may not be a great NFL head coach. You can’t deny his superb acting in Tusk, though.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Broncos @ Chargers

Congratulations, the NFL referees beat the New England Patriots last week! And I’m a fan of the Broncos. How the end of that game was bumbled was laughable. Sure, there aren’t any officiating issues. To the credit of Denver, C.J. Anderson has looked incredibly different these last few weeks and he just punished the Patriots on the ground. Brock Ock was unstable and will kill the Broncos if Peyton isn’t healthy enough to start in the playoffs. I wouldn’t be shocked if Philip Rivers pulls another improbable performance out of his ass this week, but San Diego is so decimated that Denver should dominate.

Win: Denver Broncos

Eagles @ Patriots

Seriously, fuck Tom Brady. Look at how mediocre Brady was as soon as Gronkowski’s knee bent backwards. It doesn’t matter how many mediocre white wide receivers got hurt. But as soon as that monstrous polar bear stops manhandling everyone, Brady turns back into his unspectacular self. Unfortunately, the national narrative already latched onto the injury bug excuse. Make no mistake, Gronk is the on-field difference-maker. It’s not Brady. Gronk throws linemen to the side as their best run blocker and he’s too damn big for anyone to cover when he runs to catch a pass. When people were shoveling dirt on Brady, it was because Gronk was hurt. Now, the Patriots get to beat the shit out of an Eagles team that’s already given up on Chip Kelly. So we can all look forward to the media fawning over Brady managing to win without anyone to catch his passes. If I were to break down the responsibility of success for the New England: Bill Belichick (65%); Rob Gronkowski (25%); Tom Brady (10%).

Win: New England Patriots

Panthers @ Saints

The Carolina Panthers are the last undefeated team standing. It still feels weird to hear that. At some point, the Panthers will falter and a division game against that Saints is a potential pitfall. The familiarity might make things seem closer, but Carolina is considerably more talented and momentum is in their favor. Cam Newton should pick apart the awful New Orleans defense for yet another win.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Colts @ Steelers

Matt Hasselback is not an unbeatable force. Pittsburgh is a much more formidable foe for Indianapolis than the junk they’ve been cycling through recently. Even with as many injuries as the Steelers have sustained, Pittsburgh is packed with so much offensive talent that their No. 3 WR dominated the Seahawks. Mike Tomlin would be wise to run DeAngelo Williams’ old legs into the ground because the Colts still can’t stop the run and their secondary is overmatched against Rapistberger.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Cowboys @ Redskins

I know the deadline passed, but can’t we trade Johnny Manziel to the Cowboys now? It’s an inevitable failed marriage. At least it will make these painfully mediocre Cowboys more entertaining. I can’t believe the Redskins might be the benefactor of a historically bad NFC East. With Kirk Cousins, nevertheless! YOU LIKE THAT!!! No, I don’t like that. Please stop yelling at me, Kirk.

Win: Washington Redskins

Overall: 102-61
Thanksgiving: 2-1

Vikings @ Falcons

Both Minnesota and Atlanta have aggressively average quarterbacks who will probably be more highly thought of in this era than they truly deserve. Are we sure Matt Ryan is very good? How long has ol’ Matty Ice been in the league? When Matt Ryan entered the league, Roddy White was a consistently dominant weapon at the height of his power. Now that White is washed up, Julio Jones is an unstoppable force and the unquestioned best receiver in the NFL. There was even a small, two-season window where they were elite together. Sure, Matt Ryan can compile stats and complete enough passes to go for 4,000+ yards. But Atlanta has never been raised to another level by Matt Ryan’s performance. Teddy Bridgewater isn’t there yet because of a very conservative approach heavily reliant on the running attack. But all the signs are there and Bridgewater will inch closer to 4,000 yards and a 2:1 TD/INT ratio once Adrian Peterson is no longer the focal point. Although Bridgewater isn’t up to that level right now, Matt Ryan still isn’t good enough for it to make a difference despite being at home in the Georgia Dome.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Rams @ Bengals

Welp, now we know Jeff Fisher isn’t above letting his quarterback die on the field. Jeff Fisher hates Nick Foles to the extent that he was willing to let a clearly concussed Case Keenum get scraped off the turf and stood upright just so Nick Foles couldn’t come back into the game. If Peyton Manning played on the Rams, we would almost assuredly see him still hobbling around on a torn foot with broken ribs. It basically took a near-decapitation of Case Keenum to get Nick Foles back in action. AND the supposed concussion spotter completely ignored what happened so no one protected poor Case Keenum. If we didn’t have footage of his lineman trying to pick up his limp body immediately after the play, Jeff Fisher probably would have pushed Case through the concussion protocol in order to get him cleared to play against the Bengals on the road. Right now, Case Keenum has no idea he’s in Cincinnati. Let’s make sure he’s dressed in street clothes so Jeff Fisher isn’t tempted to throw him out there again when Foles faceplants.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Raiders @ Titans

I hate both of these teams. I have nothing against their players or anything like that. But every time I pick Oakland or Tennessee, they shit the bed and show their true nature. What am I to do in this situation? Somehow, this will turn into our one tie of the season. I can’t wait for the Tennessee Titans to turn from boring to mildly more interesting after trading for Chip Kelly this offseason.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Buccaneers @ Colts

Crab Legs has quietly established himself as decent for a rookie QB. That’s actually an accomplishment. Jameis is boosted by his 5 TD performance last week, but the tools are there for a potential Dante Culpepper-esque player. Taking care of the football needs to be higher priority in order for Jameis to reach that next stage in his development. Indianapolis is always a prime candidate to get torched on defense, but the Colts should take care of another average team to stay on top of the division.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Bills @ Chiefs

Buffalo and Kansas City have similar run-first approaches to offense. However, the Bills can at least threaten to throw the ball downfield. If Rex Ryan’s defense gave Tom Brady so many problems last week, then how the hell is Alex Smith going to complete a pass longer than 5 yards? Playing at Arrowhead is going to exasperate Buffalo’s penalty issues, but the Bills should have the talent and coaching advantage. As long as Tyrod Taylor is healthy, Buffalo pulls off the road win. If E.J. Manuel is forced to do anything but put on Tyrod Taylor’s coat for him (like he’s James fucking Brown or something), then the Bills are going to be in huge trouble because that guy is good for nothing besides sucking frosty snowballs.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Dolphins @ Jets

Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like a hobo. I don’t think Donkey Kong Suh has a problem with attacking a homeless man. In fact, it seems like something new head coach Dan Campbell would condone if it leads to a win. I wasn’t alive the last time these two teams were interesting, but I think there’s still some type of rivalry there. It’s the type of rivalry where no one on the national level can manage to give a fuck. I’m sure the blood will be heated in this Duel of the Ryans—Tannehill vs. Fitzpatrick, there can be only one. That would be the worst gimmick for a new Highlander movie franchise reimaginging.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Giants @ Redskins

Everything about this game screams a win for Washington. The Giants don’t have anything that resembles a healthy offensive line. New York has no running attack so they just throw four guys out there. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins has shown promise has caretaker in the Alex Smith mold. With what is intended to be a home-field advantage, this should be an easy waltz for Washington. But the Giants manage to win games you never expect and then give away games they never should—like against Dallas near the start of the season. The New York Giants’ destiny is an 8-8 season and the undeserved NFC East division title.

Win: New York Giants

Chargers @ Jaguars

Fuck Philip Rivers. I know no one on San Diego is healthy, but Rivers couldn’t manage to throw a single touchdown last week? That’s pathetic. And it will get even worse this week when Blake Bortles and the Jaguars beat the Chargers. It’s like the front office is more focused on a move to Los Angeles than fielding a competitive team on the field. They might as well leave Philip Rivers and his 7 children in San Diego.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Saints @ Texans

Houston will probably win this game at home against a below-average team. But I hate J.J. Watt and he deserves to rot on a shitty Texans franchise without sniffing the playoffs again. The Saints can’t play any worse defensively without Rob Ryan guzzling beers on the sidelines. So maybe Drew Brees pulls one of his improbable 400-yard performances out of his ass for a reminder of the good old times. Then Sean Payton pops a couple painkillers and they enjoy a nice long hug knowing this is their last hoorah.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Cardinals @ 49ers

Another week where I would much rather hear Jim Tomsula talk than watch the 49ers play.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Steelers @ Seahawks

Pittsburgh against Seattle is easily the most entertaining matchup this week. But I still hate both franchises—specifically despising each team’s starting quarterback. I can’t win unless an atomic bomb is dropped on the field. Seriously, I cannot think of a single likeable player on either team. Le’Veon Bell doesn’t count because he shredded his knee, but that’s probably the only contender. The only outcome that would make me happy is if both teams lose. Unfortunately, that won’t happen so Seattle will likely find a way to win to keep lurking around like a stupid hipster Michael Myers.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Patriots @ Broncos

Limp Brady

Fuck Tom Brady. Congratulations, Brock Osweiler, you managed to look mediocre against the middling Bears. Unfortunately, the Patriots don’t just give up on plays and decide not to tackle like that embarrassing Demaryius Thomas touchdown last week. Denver can try to push Peyton out the door all they would like, but there’s a reason they didn’t hand the reins over to Brock Ock at the start of the season. Football isn’t the same without Peyton Manning and the lack of interest in this Patriots-Broncos matchup is a prime example. I wouldn’t put it past Belicheat to go bland and let Osweiler look impressive so they don’t have to see Peyton start again this year. I was at the 4th and 2 Game in Indianapolis when Belicheat was desperately afraid of Manning coming back and winning the game. You can’t tell me that no one wants to see one last Manning vs. Brady matchup in the playoffs. If Peyton can’t topple the Evil Empire, it all falls on Eli’s shoulders. Someone needs to step up and kill the New England Patriots, once and for all.

Win: New England Patriots

Ravens @ Browns

So much for seeing John Football the rest of this season. Johnny Manziel has now shit away his one and only chance at being a starter. I think we can all agree that the only GM stupid enough to give this alcoholic shithead another shot is an alcoholic shithead who just so happens to also own the team—Jerry Jones. We already know Manziel and Jones owe their success to the oil industry and the share a love for partying and shady women. That’s enough for me to predict that Jerry will push to slap a star on Li’l Romo and give him an undeserved second chance. Hopefully crazy Greg Hardy is still there and decides to slam Manziel on a bed of automatic weapons to make this Circle of Hell complete.

Win: Cleveland Browns

Last Week: 13-3
Overall: 121-70-1

Texans @ Jaguars

The Houston Texans are a giant garbage barge that’s been set ablaze with Molotov cocktails. Heading into this week, I’ve been questioning why Houston hasn’t already pulled the plug on Gary Kubiak, but I have to assume his health has to be a considerable factor. While the Texans are plummeting and about to hit the pavement, the Jaguars are showing some signs of life under new head coach Gus Bradley. For me, the difference in this game came down to the quarterbacks: Case Keenum vs. Chad Henne. At this point, we all know Chad Henne is cagey and competent enough to move an offense by connecting on downfield throws. Henne is a C+ quarterback, which is all you can ask for from a backup thrust into spot starts. On the other hand, Case Keenum is a C- right now with questionable upside. But Houston needs to find the answer to that question because they already know Matt Schaub is a C+ prone to crippling interceptions.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Colts @ Bengals

Andrew the Giant vs. The Ginger Gunslinger! Indianapolis seems to have steadied course after sailing through extremely choppy waters, but I’m still skeptical of the Colts making a long playoff run. This match-up against Cincinnati should show the true colors of both teams since they’ve battled consistency issues all season. Although Indianapolis has the advantage at quarterback, Cincinnati is a better all-around team at nearly every other position. The snowy weather will likely make this match-up sloppier than normal, but I expect the Bengals to win out due to a better defensive performance.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Falcons @ Packers

Aaron Rodgers still isn’t starting and the Packers are floundering as a result. Matt Flynn can run the Green Bay offense, but his limitations are accentuated by the lack of healthy playmakers like Randall Cobb and Jermichael Finley. Luckily, Green Bay is going against a Falcons team with nothing to win. Don’t get me wrong, I can envision a scenario in which Atlanta gets up by 10 points with Matt Ryan airing it out with Matt Flynn unable to keep pace, but Eddie Lacy can dominate a game on the ground against a mediocre Falcons defense. Matt Flynn just needs to not throw up on himself. Mike McCarthy scheming a creative attack around quick passes and the run could be like Pepto Bismol to Matt Flynn.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Browns @ Patriots

Who will be starting at quarterback for Cleveland Browns? It doesn’t matter. New England is not losing this game and Cleveland should be content with their win total already. Teams shouldn’t be afraid to tank when it’s the most apt strategy for future success. Even if the Browns aren’t blatantly throwing games, Brandon Weeden starting at quarterback provides Cleveland the best chance at losing. If you disagree, then I would like to show you several clips of him shoveling the ball with his non-throwing hand and kicking the ball out of the end zone. Hopefully the Patriots will make Stevan Ridley active this week and give him another opportunity to show he can secure the ball in a meaningless game against the hapless Browns.

Win: New England Patriots

Raiders @ Jets

Oakland will be without Rashad Jennings and Darren McFadden, which puts more pressure on the undrafted walk-on Matt McGloin. The Raiders are already one of the least talented teams in the NFL, but playing without several key members on offense will hinder the team’s chances of pulling off the road win against New York. That’s not to say the Jets aren’t without their own issues—especially at quarterback. Strategically, the Jets should be riding out the roller coaster called the Geno Smith Experience, but New York is wavering with every turnover and the delusion of a potential playoff appearance within striking distance. Although they aren’t officially dead yet, the Jets are on life support and that fat fuck at heart Rex Ryan might finally get fired.

Win: New York Jets

Lions @ Eagles

Detroit is undisciplined and unpredictable. Jim Schwartz’s control over his team is laughable and you see the result on the field. The Lions should be much better than they’ve performed this year, and Detroit should beat the Philadelphia Eagles this week. But I would count on Chip Kelly outcoaching Jim Schwartz if this game is close near the end. If Reggie Bush can’t play or isn’t healthy enough to be effective, the Detroit Lions just aren’t the same without Bush’s dynamic ability. The Nick Foles Hype Machine should anticipate a regression soon, but Philadelphia’s creative scheme should provide enough support this week…as long as Calvin Johnson doesn’t go Megatron on all of their asses.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Dolphins @ Steelers

Are the Steelers really still alive in the playoff picture? I don’t want to live in a world where that can happen. But I can never be happy so that’s why the Steelers will win this game and keep their chances on life support. Please, please let the Miami Dolphins hit some big bombs downfield in Mike Wallace’s homecoming.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Bills @ Buccaneers

With so many quality match-ups this week, Buffalo against Tampa Bay is not a game that many should or will watch. Tampa Bay is playing better despite having Greg Schiano as a head coach, and Buffalo continues to survive regardless of average talent on offense. If Mike Glennon can’t win a home game in these circumstances, the Buccaneers need to cut Schiano loose and start over with a newly drafted quarterback.

Win: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Chiefs @ Redskins

Kansas City is reeling. In need of at least one more win to secure their Wild Card spot, the Chiefs need to stop Alfred Morris on the ground and force Robert Griffin III to win the game. Since RGIII is still feeling the ill effects of his knee injury, it will be tough for him to shoulder the burden of carrying the Redskins. The unhappy Shanahan clan is coaching for their jobs, which could be a good thing for Washington as the team has shown very little the last few years. With a fire lit under Mike Shanahan’s already red ass and face, Washington needs to start playing like they have something to lose. Instead of putting more pressure on Robert Griffin III, the Redskins need dominate on the ground and take advantage of Pierre Garcon’s yards after the catch ability.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Vikings @ Ravens

Adrian Peterson is a Hall of Fame running back capable of killing any team single-handedly—like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. Still, it’s difficult to predict when that will happen and when the rest of the Vikings team will fail to provide any support. With Baltimore desperate for wins, the Ravens can’t afford to let Adrian Peterson run wild all day. As long as Baltimore doesn’t turn the ball over, the Ravens should be able to stay close and move the ball more consistently in the air than Minnesota is capable of under Shitty QB #1, #2, or #3.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Titans @ Broncos

Peyton Manning isn’t good in cold weather games…which have mostly come around the playoffs against great quarterbacks when his teams have had historically awful defenses. Denver’s defense isn’t historically awful, but the Broncos aren’t facing a great quarterback in Ryan Fitzpatrick. If the Broncos collapse on special teams and allow Chris Johnson to break some monumental runs, then the Titans could shock Denver. But again, Tennessee is starting Ryan Fitzpatrick. As the weather gets colder (and now that John Fox is back in the fold), the Broncos should be relying more on their three-headed running attack—especially Montee Ball. Expect Denver to control the ball and add another W in the win column.

Win: Denver Broncos

Rams @ Cardinals

If you’ve heard any pre-game chatter, you’re aware the Cardinals haven’t won a division match-up in a long time and that Jared Cook burned Arizona in their previous tilt earlier this season. While Carson Palmer’s elbow injury doesn’t make matters better, I don’t expect the Cardinals to lose this match-up even if St. Louis presents bad match-ups all over the field. As long as Arizona makes protection a priority and remains well-balanced, the Cardinals should be able to pull out this close game. Remember, the Rams have an effective cast of no-namers on offense, but the Arizona Cardinals have one of the best defenses in the NFL.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Giants @ Chargers

I would take Eli Manning over Philip Rivers any day of the week. I just can’t take the Giants running attack and defense over those aspects of San Diego. The Chargers haven’t been consistent this season, but the New York Giants have been like a lumberjack trying to run in place on slippery log in the water. With the playoffs more of a possibility for San Diego than New York, I expect that extra motivation to be a deciding factor the Chargers—even if home-field advantage isn’t much of an advantage for San Diego.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Seahawks @ 49ers

Eyebrow
Everyone was on the Seahawks after last week’s impressive home victory over the Saints. But Seattle is not the same team on the road and now the nation is leaping from the Seahawks to the 49ers bandwagon this week. These people can’t possibly all be correct, which is why I’m giving Seattle the benefit of the doubt against San Francisco. Although the 49ers are a different offense with Michael Crabtree, I’m not sure if he’s healthy enough to be the dynamic playmaker that should be required in this tough match-up. Russell “Hustle” Wilson will find some way to win this one yet still make me hate him more—he’s an A-Rod level talent like that.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Panthers @ Saints

Cam Newton can win a game by himself. He’ll have to this week with the Saints seeking revenge after an embarrassing loss on the national stage to the Seahawks. Carolina just isn’t as good as New Orleans unless Cam Newton reaches an entirely new level. Drew Brees will be on much more stable ground this week under the dome, and that home comfort will pay dividends for the Saints.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Cowboys @ Bears

Josh McCown is showing why he’s Josh McCown. Capable of moving the chains and little more than that, the Chicago Bears have stalled offensively without Jay Cutler. It will be interesting to see if Cutler gets slapped with the franchise tag or if he’s allowed to walk as a free agent. Cutler would surely be of use against Dallas as Chicago will need to keep pace with the points Tony Romo can post against the Bears shitty defense. If there’s one bright spot for the Bears, it’s that Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery will create consistent separation and get open. It’s just on Josh McCown to connect on those throws.

Win: Dallas Cowboys