Posts Tagged ‘Week 13’

Overall: 108-68
Last Week: 8-8

Packers @ Lions

Detroit pulled off the improbable upset against Green Bay at Lambeau earlier this year during Week 10. The Lions aren’t sweeping this season series. But something is clearly wrong with the Packers. Injuries aside, this underperformance might finally lead to the ousting of Mike McCarthy. Only the cheapness of the Packers is likely to save him—couple with yet another injury excuse. Fat Elvis is leaving the building!

Win: Green Bay Packers

Texans @ Bills

Buffalo has taken on the identity of Rex Ryan very early. The Bills are an undisciplined mess that garners flags on every other play. This is the team that took in Richie Not So Incognito with open arms. It’s easy to forget because he’s injured (shocker!), but the Bills also brought in well-known cancer Percy Harvin into their locker room. Thankfully Percy chucked up the deuces and bailed as soon as he got hurt again. Harvin is a diminutive 5’11” guy that is such a Bad Mother Fucker that basically the entire NFL fears him—in a personal sense, not actually on the field anymore. He probably had to remove himself from the situation before he just started cold-cocking guys because they suck so much. I don’t believe in Houston’s resurgence, but it’s clear dumping Ryan Mallett was the right choice. Enjoy your “defensive struggle” that’s really two shitty offensive teams struggling to score touchdowns.

Win: Buffalo Bills

49ers @ Bears

The Tomsula

Jim Harbaugh is long gone, but there’s somehow still drama in San Francisco’s front office. If Jim Tomsula is looking at you and shaking his head in disapproval, then you know you did something wrong. Typically, Jim Tomsula is just happy to have a roof over his head and an office to sleep at every night. But this is a man of high character that won’t stand for the public (and probably rightful) character assassination and shaming of Colin Kaepernick. That type of good guy probably isn’t long for the NFL. I believe there’s a mandate that you can only be a head coach if you’re an angry, miserable prick.

Win: Chicago Bears

Bengals @ Browns

Josh McCown’s season-ending broken collarbone was like the final Jenga block toppling the unstable, wavering tower. It was pretty much bound to happen, and most people are shocked it wasn’t earlier in the season when McCown helicoptered running the ball. Instead of turning back to John Football with their tails tucked between their legs, the Browns are starting Austin Davis this week against the in-state rival Bengals—and will probably then start Manziel next week. That’s so Cleveland.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Jaguars @ Titans

I’m still holding out hope for Chip Kelly trading himself to the Titans. It’s the only way Tennessee will ever be interesting. I hate both of these teams and anyone who watches this game is doing it for BDSM purposes. Why would you torture yourself with this unwatchable game?

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Cardinals @ Rams

Is there a point that Jeff Fisher could reach where he gets fired? Or is Stan Kroenke too concerned with moving the Rams to Los Angeles as soon as fucking possible? I’m going to side with that option because Fisher’s run with the Rams has been boring and ordinary—not unlike his Titans reign. But St. Louis has worn down Fisher into a run-of-the-mill miserable prick NFL head coach. I miss jovial Jeff Fisher who did crazy things like reveal he’s wearing a Peyton Manning jersey under his suit at some dumb Tony Dungy function. Now Fisher is so jaded and unhappy that his planning this week was throwing darts with Gregg Williams at a picture of Carson Palmer’s knees while laughing maniacally.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Ravens @ Dolphins

We have a Matt Schaub sighting! People are arguing over whether there is a systemic problem underlying the lack of quality quarterbacks at the NFL level. This season and especially over the last few weeks, fans have been subjected to the awful play of Jimmy Clausen, Brandon Weeden, Ryan Mallet, Landry Jones, Matt Cassell, Blaine Gabbert, Case Keenum, and now Matt Schaub. Nope, no problem at all. Move along. Nothing to see here. Maybe Schaub will be so bad that Baltimore turns to their new backup: Jimmy Clausen!

Win: Miami Dolphins

Seahawks @ Vikings

Perhaps Jimmy Graham’s kneecap flying off is the best thing for the Seahawks offense. Russell Wilson can go back to his 20-step drops running around and throwing it to some guy who no one can name. As I said, Seattle is the fucking hipster Michael Myers. Please, someone kill the Seahawks. I don’t want to see this team in the playoffs again. But since my inability to be happy combined with Minnesota’s long illustrious career of sucking and choking, the Vikings will find a way to lose this game. Give Adrian Peterson a long switch and let him go to work. Thanks for making me root for the child abuser!

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Jets @ Giants

I don’t know how this technically a road or home game for either team since they share the same stadium. Neither franchise is fielding a healthy team right now, and they’ll both be satisfied if they don’t leave with more injuries. Welcome to an exciting game of attrition. Yeah, let’s go ahead and add more games to the schedule so we can all be bored out of our minds while backup QBs duel to the death. Brock Ock stuck the first spear into the side of the Patriots last week, but I’m still holding out for the miraculous Giants playoff run that results in an Eli Manning victory and a crying Tom Brady.

Win: New York Giants

Falcons @ Buccaneers

Atlanta already lost to Jameis Winston once this year, right? That can’t possibly happen again. Is Kyle Shanahan the anti-Christ? We still have no idea if Matt Ryan is actually good, but the Falcons are hamstringing Matt Icy Hot by not even dialing up deep throws downfield. Someone needs to shake Shanahan to remind him he doesn’t have Robert Griffin III or Johnny Manziel as his quarterback any longer and that Julio Jones can catch whatever is thrown his way. Atlanta shouldn’t be this bad.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Chiefs @ Raiders

Every time I think the Raiders have turned the corner, they spit in my face and show their true colors. I want to believe Derek Carr is good and Amari Cooper will be a game-changer. But Oakland is still coached by Jack Del Rio, so how good can they be? Man-Walrus Andy Reid doesn’t exactly inspire confidence either, but nearly anyone can run the ball successfully for the Chiefs. Alex Smith will never gain my full trust, but Travis Kelce and Jeremy Maclin have been suitable threats to run after catching short passes. Andy Reid may not be a great NFL head coach. You can’t deny his superb acting in Tusk, though.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Broncos @ Chargers

Congratulations, the NFL referees beat the New England Patriots last week! And I’m a fan of the Broncos. How the end of that game was bumbled was laughable. Sure, there aren’t any officiating issues. To the credit of Denver, C.J. Anderson has looked incredibly different these last few weeks and he just punished the Patriots on the ground. Brock Ock was unstable and will kill the Broncos if Peyton isn’t healthy enough to start in the playoffs. I wouldn’t be shocked if Philip Rivers pulls another improbable performance out of his ass this week, but San Diego is so decimated that Denver should dominate.

Win: Denver Broncos

Eagles @ Patriots

Seriously, fuck Tom Brady. Look at how mediocre Brady was as soon as Gronkowski’s knee bent backwards. It doesn’t matter how many mediocre white wide receivers got hurt. But as soon as that monstrous polar bear stops manhandling everyone, Brady turns back into his unspectacular self. Unfortunately, the national narrative already latched onto the injury bug excuse. Make no mistake, Gronk is the on-field difference-maker. It’s not Brady. Gronk throws linemen to the side as their best run blocker and he’s too damn big for anyone to cover when he runs to catch a pass. When people were shoveling dirt on Brady, it was because Gronk was hurt. Now, the Patriots get to beat the shit out of an Eagles team that’s already given up on Chip Kelly. So we can all look forward to the media fawning over Brady managing to win without anyone to catch his passes. If I were to break down the responsibility of success for the New England: Bill Belichick (65%); Rob Gronkowski (25%); Tom Brady (10%).

Win: New England Patriots

Panthers @ Saints

The Carolina Panthers are the last undefeated team standing. It still feels weird to hear that. At some point, the Panthers will falter and a division game against that Saints is a potential pitfall. The familiarity might make things seem closer, but Carolina is considerably more talented and momentum is in their favor. Cam Newton should pick apart the awful New Orleans defense for yet another win.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Colts @ Steelers

Matt Hasselback is not an unbeatable force. Pittsburgh is a much more formidable foe for Indianapolis than the junk they’ve been cycling through recently. Even with as many injuries as the Steelers have sustained, Pittsburgh is packed with so much offensive talent that their No. 3 WR dominated the Seahawks. Mike Tomlin would be wise to run DeAngelo Williams’ old legs into the ground because the Colts still can’t stop the run and their secondary is overmatched against Rapistberger.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Cowboys @ Redskins

I know the deadline passed, but can’t we trade Johnny Manziel to the Cowboys now? It’s an inevitable failed marriage. At least it will make these painfully mediocre Cowboys more entertaining. I can’t believe the Redskins might be the benefactor of a historically bad NFC East. With Kirk Cousins, nevertheless! YOU LIKE THAT!!! No, I don’t like that. Please stop yelling at me, Kirk.

Win: Washington Redskins

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Overall: 110-69
Last Week: 2-1

Browns @ Bills

Win: Cleveland Browns

Redskins @ Colts

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Raiders @ Rams

Win: St. Louis Rams

Panthers @ Vikings

Win: Carolina Panthers

Saints @ Steelers

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Bengals @ Buccaneers

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Giants @ Jaguars

Win: New York Giants

Chargers @ Ravens

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Titans @ Texans

Win: Tennessee Titans

Cardinals @ Falcons

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Patriots @ Packers

Win: New England Patriots

Broncos @ Chiefs

Reid

Win: Denver Broncos

Dolphins @ Jets

Win: Miami Dolphins

Overall: 108-67
Last Week: 11-4

If my journalism classes taught me nothing, at least I’m good on deadline. Running out the door on my way to an event early in the morning, I predicted the Week 12 slate in less than 30 seconds and was rewarded with an 11-4 record. Now I’ll proceed to swing and miss on every Thanksgiving game. I feel like this is a Scantron test and I’m trying to find the teacher’s pattern. Are the answers really all ‘B’?

One of these home teams will fuck it up. Let’s play the guessing game…

Bears @ Lions

Chicago sucks. Jay Cutler’s emotional state is somewhere between not giving a fuck and just looking like he’s not giving a fuck. It’s fitting that he’s most successful when lofting 50/50 passes to Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery. The Bears beat the lowly Buccaneers and last year’s miracle worker Josh McCown in Week 12, but Chicago’s success came from feeding Matt Forte the fucking football. His yards per carry suffered, but Forte’s 23 rushing attempts was only the third time he’s topped 20+ carries in a game—and the second time was the previous week’s 26 rushes in a win against Minnesota. Cutler needs to be in a balanced offense. If he’s asked to win the game, Cutler will fuck it up. After almost a decade in the NFL, it is Cutler’s DNA. But he can be the quarterback of a winning team if he’s only asked to make a few plays here while just making consistently smart decisions. Detroit’s stout defense will pressure Cutler and the Bears will be in big trouble if Forte is bottled up. Anything is possible in a Thanksgiving game, but most of the possible outcomes point to embarrassment for Chicago. What’s the over/under for Cutler INTs?

Cutler INT

Win: Detroit Lions

Eagles @ Cowboys

Dallas nearly dicked themselves last week by losing to New York. If the Giants almost took advantage of Dallas, then the Cowboys will find their hands full this week against the Eagles. Mark Sanchez has been playing like Mark Sanchez as of late, which is to say, not very well. Since this is a Thanksgiving game, Mark Sanchez might run face first into his own lineman’s ass just for shits and giggles.

Butt FumbleStinkface

Yep, this is the 2-year anniversary of that much celebrated occasion that Mark Sanchez gave himself stinkface. Despite his surrounding cast, I cannot in good faith support Philadelphia in this game. And I hate the Cowboys. It’s a Thanksgiving tradition to root against Dallas. Unless DeMarco Murray’s kneecap flies off or someone takes a turkey carver to his ACL, the Cowboys should be able to outscore the Eagles.

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Seahawks @ 49ers

White people are afraid of Richard Sherman. At least that’s why I think everyone claims to find him funny. Either Richard Sherman is a giant fan of philosopher Guy Debord and his theory on the spectacle or Sherman is just afraid to address NFL hypocrisy in an authentic setting. Regardless, I’ll admit it did take balls for Sherman to say one dissenting word about The National Football League. What’s the upside? If the Seahawks lose to San Francisco on Thanksgiving, then the stuffy old white people will surely come out of the woodworks to blame Sherman for being a distraction. Since the 49ers have no home-field advantage in their new denim stadium, I’ll take the tortoise (Russell Wilson) instead of the hare (Colin Kaepernick).

Spectacle

Slow and steady wins the race.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Thanksgiving: 3-0
Overall: 111-67-1

Jaguars @ Browns

Weeks ago, this would have been an easy decision to side with Cleveland. But Jason Campbell’s confidence was short-lived and he predictably got injured, which allows for the last last chance for Brandon Weeden. I’ve seen enough of Weeden to advise he tries to re-start his baseball dream after the season. Some NFL team might give Brandon Weeden another opportunity to hold a clipboard as a back-up or third-stringer because Curtis Painter is still a back-up and teams keep giving John Skelton the chance to show how woefully inaccurate he can be at throwing the ball. On the other side, Jacksonville is finally starting to play competitively with Chad Henne sorta moving the football. With the Brandon Weeden scarecrow strategy the Browns are employing, expect the Jaguars to create turnovers and run the ball enough to win.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Titans @ Colts

Dammit Donald! Reality was recognized earlier this morning as Indianapolis has justly pulled the plug on 2013 Trent Richardson. Trading for Trent Richardson proved to be more of a gamble than originally thought, but I still think the Colts can squeeze value out of Richardson next season. Offensively, I hate the philosophical shift from Bruce Arians (masking protection and taking risks downfield) to Pep Hamilton (conservative protection and runs with considerably shorter passing routes). Andrew Luck is Indianapolis’ most dangerous weapon, but the offense is not oriented around his strengths. Despite the shackles placed on Luck, Andrew the Giant has orchestrated impressive comeback drives to win many games. With Tennessee jockeying for a playoff spot guided by Ryan Fitzpatrick, this division match-up might be another situation where Andrew Luck must pull the horseshoe out of his ass for an Indy win.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Bears @ Vikings

No one knows what to expect out of either of these teams. Who is starting at quarterback for the Vikings nowadays? Did Minnesota just decide to eat those millions they moronically gave to Josh Freeman? Regardless of who is handing the ball off to Adrian Peterson, the Vikings will face an uphill climb against Chicago as long as the Bears wisely crowd everyone near the line and challenge Shitty QB #1 (Christian Ponder), #2 (Matt Cassel), or #3 (Josh Freeman). I don’t feel confident in Josh McCown to move the ball, but Chicago has more at stake with their playoff window closing whereas Minnesota should be sucking for success in the future. Expect a boring but close game for 60 minutes.

Win: Chicago Bears

Dolphins @ Jets

This must be the game of the week that no one cares about. Miami and New York are both incredibly bland and exceedingly unlikable. I would truly love for Rex Ryan to stop being a head coach in the NFL and for the Jets to remain shameful losers. The Dolphins have a stout defensive line that should pressure Geno Smith and potentially create turnovers. And Mike Wallace should be able to break loose again on some long distance throws launched by Ryan Tannehill. Of course, that just means the Jets will sack Tannehill 6 or 7 times and torture everyone by still sticking in the playoff picture. But I’ll continue to keep hope alive that the New York Jets will falter and fall out of playoff contention.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Cardinals @ Eagles

Nick Foles is playing out of his mind and the Philadelphia defense has been surprisingly effective in recent games. Carson Palmer hasn’t made crippling mistakes the past few weeks and the Arizona defense has been borderline dominant at times. Something has to give. Don’t trust the Eagles. Chip Kelly has managed to create offense despite mediocre weapons, but the Philly defense previously couldn’t stop anyone. Ultimately, this match-up comes down to whether you trust Carson Palmer or the Eagles defense more. I’ll side with Bruce Arians because I think he’ll put the Cardinals in the best possible position to win, which means a balanced offensive approach. As long as Arizona doesn’t have to endure a back-breaking interception, then the Cardinals should be able to control the tempo.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Buccaneers @ Panthers

Why is Greg Schiano still coaching?! I don’t understand why you would give Schiano the opportunity to save his job. Greg Schiano is not a good coach. I’m not sure if Riverboat Ron Rivera is a good coach either, but Carolina has considerably more talent. Unless the Panthers shit themselves, the Buccaneers should struggle to establish the run with their third-string running back. Good luck keeping Mike Glennon upright in the face of the surging Carolina defensive line. Cam Newton needs to put the team on his back and ensure the victory to really start earning all the hype.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Patriots @ Texans

Coming off last week’s relative upset over the Broncos, the Patriots must be feeling confident since they’ve made Stevan Ridley inactive after his fumbling problems persisted last week. Hopefully, that irrational cockiness comes back to haunt them, but it seems completely unlikely to pay dividends in this match-up against the Texans. Houston is just waiting out Schaubiak Era and there’s a real chance that the Texans could end up being one of the worst teams in the NFL. Don’t be surprised if this turns into a 30-point chasm.

Win: New England Patriots

Falcons @ Bills

Flip a coin to see who will win this game. Atlanta is awful and Buffalo is bad, at best. For reasons still rather unclear, the Bills will be playing this game in Toronto, which seems like a slap in the face to both the fans and the team—since it’s somewhat of a road game. For reasons very clear, I don’t give a shit who wins this match-up of mediocre teams. Matt Ryan needs to show people he’s capable of leading a team and Mike Smith’s job could really be in jeopardy if they lose to another shitty team.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Rams @ 49ers

Jeff Fisher deserves serious credit for putting out the potential dumpster fire that started to smoke up once Sam Bradford went down for the season. Despite Kellen Clemens being their starting quarterback, St. Louis has created scores from seemingly nothing. I don’t think the magic can continue this week since San Francisco has started to re-gain their footing offensively, which should increase with improved health. Colin Kaepernick could vault himself back into the discussion of the most promising young QBs with another 3-TD game. Regardless of how they do it, the 49ers need to keep pace with the Arizona Cardinals.

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Broncos @ Chiefs

Thumbs Up

If you only listened to the press coverage of last week’s Broncos vs. Patriots match-up, then you might actually believe it was a great game. Despite what the talking heads yap at you, that was a horribly sloppy affair in frigid, unplayable weather. The Patriots seemingly fumbled away their chance at winning early by turning over the ball and facing a 3-score deficit. Although Denver benefitted from New England’s botched play, Peyton Manning never had the opportunity to establish a rhythm offensively. Denver’s shitty defense reared its ugly head and the Patriots positioned themselves for the victory. Regardless of the “Manning in Cold Temperature” rhetoric, Peyton calmly led a crucial game-tying drive after New England had just taken the lead. Unfortunately, the rest of the Broncos weren’t up to task and yet another monumental mistake by a Denver defender (a la last year’s playoff game against Baltimore) ruined the team’s opportunity to win. By the way, the NFL overtime rules are still embarrassing and only a minor improvement over the previous system. Coming off the sloppy tilt with the Patriots, the Broncos are now heading into Arrowhead against the bitter division rival Chiefs, which will likely be the determining factor in who takes home-field advantage in the playoffs. Kansas City is trying to weather the injury bug on defense while Denver will not operate with at full capacity on offense. Everything is set up for a close, competitive game—playing into Kansas City’s favor. But I expect Denver to establish a 10-point lead and push Alex Smith around with pressure from Von Miller.

Win: Denver Broncos

Bengals @ Chargers

What a remarkably boring match-up. Cincinnati has been a complete disappointment this year with inconsistent play from the Ginger Gunslinger while San Diego has been surprisingly competitive despite all-or-nothing performances from Philip “Little Dick” Rivers. Since both of these teams are near mirror images, San Diego’s home-field advantage should mean something. Riding the high from defeating the Chiefs, the roller coaster ride that is the San Diego Chargers would plummet with a loss to Cincinnati. Ultimately, the Chargers can connect more on downfield passes, and that big play ability could be the difference.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Giants @ Redskins

New York couldn’t stop Dallas as the end of the game last week, which effectively ruined any comeback chatter for this season. With most teams, that means everyone would pack up and just go through the motions for the remaining games. But the Giants have always been irrational and I don’t anticipate that stopping any time soon. On the other sideline, Washington has been transformed from a lavish oasis into a barren, post-apocalyptic wasteland. Whether Robert Griffin III is still hurt or just lost, his sophomore season has had very few highlights as he looks like a shell of his former dynamic self. As long as RGIII isn’t doing further damage, the Redskins need to keep trotting him out there and hope he gets in a groove. Going against the Giants defense, don’t expect a sudden breakthrough.

Win: New York Giants

Saints @ Seahawks

Seattle is the mecca of performance-enhancing drugs. After yet another suspension, the Seahawks are between a rock and a hard place, but they appear as comfortable as always. I hate the stupid look on Pete Carroll’s face and the phony demeanor of Russell Wilson. The Seahawks are so incredibly unlikable and deserving of suffering a setback in terms of home-field advantage in the NFC. But since this game is in Seattle, the Saints could have serious issues communicating and coordinating their offense at their typical maximum capacity. New Orleans needs a stable running attack to establish consistent offense on the road with an inconsistent defense that needs to force turnovers in order to be effective.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Last Week: 6-7-1
Overall: 108-67-1

Packers @ Lions

Flynn! Without Aaron Rodgers, it’s hard to get excited about this classic Turkey Day tilt. I’m sure someone on the Lions defense will commit an atrocious, dirty penalty—it’s a Thanksgiving tradition. After last week’s upset to Tampa Bay, the Packers shouldn’t be counted out in this one even if they have the bastard son of Chad Pennington playing quarterback for them. Matt Flynn did cash in on his huge performance during the last game against the Lions, but Green Bay’s weapons are considerably depleted. Enter: Eddie Lacy. If circumstances are ideal, I could envision this being Eddie Lacy’s breakout on a national stage, but it’s hard to bet on that off short rest. I’m not going out on a limb with my prediction that Calvin Johnson will literally will himself open in triple coverage and catch anything thrown his way. Because Green Bay won’t be able to stop the Lions offense, I’ll side with Detroit due to Matt Flynn’s inability to post 30+ points.

Win: Detroit Lions

Raiders @ Cowboys

Jerry

It’s miraculous that Matt McGloin is a starting quarterback for an NFL franchise, even if it is the Oakland Raiders. After walking on for Penn State and going undrafted, McGloin can now tell his grandchildren that he played in the NFL. Unless the Cowboys completely fall apart on defense—which can’t be entirely ruled out because Monte Kiffin is old as balls and this may be a Weekend at Bernie’s scenario—I can’t see McGloin pulling out a win on Thanksgiving. How much money does Dallas take in as a result of their annual Thanksgiving game? And why do they always play a shitty team? I’m sick of seeing Tony Romo wear his hat backwards this same time every year because it’s usually never an interesting match-up involving Dallas. I’d like to swing my vote in favor of Oakland, but they’re just as unlikable and far more untalented.

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Steelers @ Ravens

It’s no secret that I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. Unfortunately, this is probably the best game of today’s schedule, which is sad because it’s usually a boring and exceeding sloppy game under the guise of it being “physical.” I’d rather watch any episode of The Wire than this slow, plodding match-up. Let’s all hope Baltimore finally puts the nail in the coffin of the Steelers because I don’t want to suffer through another Pittsburgh stretch run. Although passing the ball will be nearly forbidden in this game, the team that is able to connect on a few long bombs downfield will win this game. With Jacoby Jones healthy, Baltimore seems to be in a better position to execute those plays with more weapons than Pittsburgh’s Antonio Brown. Please give me this early Christmas present, Santa.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

For Thanksgiving, I also predict that you will eat too much and use the football games to actively ignore the awkwardness of being with the type of family that’s only around once a year.  Good luck getting drunk and stuffed like a pig.  And remember, you can’t really be expected to talk when your mouth is full of turkey.