Posts Tagged ‘Week 16’

Overall: 138-86
Last Week: 10-6

Chargers @ Raiders

San Diego just said their goodbye to the Chargers and now Oakland and the Black Hole assholes get to send off the Raiders on Christmas Eve. Yet one or both of these teams could still conceivably return to home next year. The Great Journey to Los Angeles, NFL-style! The Chargers has long been awaiting the end of the season as nearly everyone is hurt or at least playing injured. On the other side, Oakland has been feisty under new head coach Jack Del Rio and Derek Carr shows true promise. Give the Raiders the advantage with an emotional atmosphere as fans cry at the potential of never seeing Mark Davis’ haircut ever again.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Redskins @ Eagles

The Redskins are going to win this terrible NFC East division, aren’t they? As if it’s not bad enough for the NFL that teams are forgetting (on multiple occasions) to take players with concussions out of the game while Will Smith’s shitty new movie—very creatively called Concussion—is being marketed non-stop during games. Now the team from the nation’s capital that just so happens to be an awful racial slur is also gaining relevance again on the national stage because they’re going to the playoffs for the first time since the RG Knee debacle. Kirk Cousins and his similarly bland supporters are already insufferable.

Win: Washington Redskins

Panthers @ Falcons

If the Panthers were going down in the regular season, I thought the Giants would inexplicably be the team that knocks them off. Due largely to Odell’s mental implosion, New York fell short of that goal—OBJ catching that easy TD on the Giants’ opening drive might have completely changed the tone. Cam’s confidence wasn’t shaken and it’s seemingly shatter-proof. It’s hard to imagine the no-good, sorry, awful Atlanta Falcons giving the Panthers their first wound of the season.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Cowboys @ Bills

We’re not at the end of the season yet, but both the Cowboys and Bills are eagerly anticipating the sweet relief of this season’s death. Dallas is starting Boise State’s rejected offspring Kellen Moore while Rex Ryan is rolling with anyone who can stand on two feet—that he’s personally inspected with his tongue and a glass of milk. Buffalo has the better QB with Tyrod Taylor and that’s pretty much all that matters.

Win: Buffalo Bills

49ers @ Lions

Two sorry excuses for NFL franchises in the same shitty state of disrepair. These poor fans.

Win: Detroit Lions

Texans @ Titans

It’s Brandon Weeden vs. Zach Mettenberger! I can’t believe I’m taking a team relying on Brandon Weeden to move the ball, but Tennessee’s supporting cast is truly pathetic. This year’s playoffs will be populated with far too many miserable, undeserving teams like the Houston Texans.

Win: Houston Texans

Browns @ Chiefs

Cleveland has nothing to play for while Kansas City may backdoor their way into playoffs if the Broncos continue self-destructing. Alex Smith is making a killing throwing 5-yard check-down passes and handing off to whatever fast little running back the Chiefs are currently employing. Smith’s middling career is what Johnny Manziel ultimately aspires to so he can continue his day-drinking.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Colts @ Dolphins

Every part of Matt Hasselback’s broken down ass is injured or at least sore, but 17% of a 40-year-old Matt Hasselback is better than Chaz Whitehurst. No one wants to witness the return of Clipboard Jesus. Miami is a sloppy mess as well, but a healthy Ryan Tannehill gives the Dolphins the advantage.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Patriots @ Jets

Fuck Tom Brady. Todd Bowles has provided the Jets with a competent head coach for once, but these are largely still the same Jets. Ryan Fitzpatrick gives New York a puncher’s chance. However, this is the type of game where Fitzy throws 3 interceptions while the Jets offense settles for field goals.

Win: New England Patriots

Bears @ Buccaneers

If any team should know the secret to exploiting the Tampa 2 defense, it should be Lovie Smith’s former employer. I wouldn’t trust Jay Cutler to valet my car, but even he should be able to dink-and-dunk his way to success against a conservative zone coverage scheme. However, I probably trust Jameis Winston just as much as Jay Cutler at this point. I wouldn’t be shocked to see Crab Legs devour the Bears.

Win: Chicago Bears

Steelers @ Ravens

Matt Schaub, Jimmy Clausen, or Ryan Mallett? Which slow and painful death do you want?

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Jaguars @ Saints

Blake Bortles, Fantasy Football Savior. With a juicy matchup against the Saints, this could be a prime opportunity to nationally welcome Blake Bortles to the next stage in the NFL QB hierarchy.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Packers @ Cardinals

Easily the best matchup of the week. I almost always support Aaron Rodgers in big games, but Green Bay has struggled all season. With the Packers on the road and still having difficulty achieving consistency, the Arizona Cardinals should be able to take advantage of a conference rival at home in the desert. Losing Tyrann Mathieu to another knee injury could do unspeakable damage to Arizona’s defense. Aaron Rodgers could win this by himself, but the Cardinals have a considerable amount of depth with rookie RB David Johnson invoking a new level of explosiveness into the offense.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Rams @ Seahawks

Jeff Fisher’s chinbelly is somehow surviving his perpetual mediocrity. In hindsight, he’s a perfect representation of St. Louis and that crumbling city of staunch conservatives. Please let the Rams put together an improbable performance with Case Keenum, Nick Foles, or whoever the fuck is handing the ball off to Todd Gurley. But I can never be happy so we’re assured of Seattle sleepwalking into the playoffs.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Giants @ Vikings

OBJ Think

No OBJ around to object to the end of the Giants season. This is the type of game where Teddy Bridgewater constantly maneuvers the Vikings offense into quality field position. Whether they can convert touchdowns or settle for field goals is a different story. With little reason for a motivated finish, Minnesota should wipe the floor with the Giants lacking their fiery emotional core and leader in annoyingly awful hair.

Win: Minnesota Vikings

Bengals @ Broncos

Brock Ock can’t stop from tripping over his own awkward feet. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning’s broken foot hasn’t healed, which likely keeps him on the bench even if the Broncos make the playoffs. Cincinnati is without Andy Dalton, but human douche nozzle A.J. McCarron squeaked out enough juice for a Bengals victory last week. Although Denver’s defense hasn’t performed to the elite level most seem to expect, the Broncos should be able to put together enough points to outlast Cincinnati.

Win: Denver Broncos

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Overall: 141-83
Last Week: 13-3

Titans @ Jaguars

Even fans of the Tennessee Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars must be rooting solely for draft position at this point. I can’t imagine either team truly wanting to win this game. What’s the incentive? With Clipboard Jesus taking the reins in Tennessee, the chances of a Jaguars win increased exponentially. The rule for Thursday Night Football is the home team holds an advantage, but greater priority is given to the team with a better quarterback. In this case, Blake Bortles is actually better than Chaz Whitehurst.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Eagles @ Redskins

RG Knee is back in action for Washington, but that’s not necessarily a good thing. In the final weeks, teams with playoff implications on the line just have more motivation to win. Mark Sanchez has been floundering for Philadelphia, but Nick Foles is not walking through that door so Mr. Butt Fumble presents the only hope for the Eagles. Chip Kelly will certainly scheme around Sanchize and try to put him in the best position for Philadelphia to reach the playoffs. It’s unlikely they’ll conquer Dallas and the division.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Chargers @ 49ers

Jim Harbaugh doesn’t give up. But I fear the entire 49ers franchise has given up on Harbaugh and the rest of this season. Colin Kaepernick still has potential, but Harbaugh isn’t getting significant enough production out of Daddy Long Legs. Without a real home-field advantage in the Stadium That Denim Built, San Francisco will struggle against a competitive Chargers team. If this was a typical mid-Sunday matchup, I think most 49ers players would be comfortable laying an egg, but they’ll look to spoil San Diego’s playoff chances in a primetime game on the unusual Saturday night timeslot.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Lions @ Bears

Smokin' Jimmy

Chicago fans are pleading to fast forward through the end of the season. Smokin’ Jay has officially been benched and Marc Trestman is suffering through his final days as a head coach. It’s clear Marc Trestman could be a gifted offensive coordinator, but he probably doesn’t have what it takes to lead an entire football team. The dysfunction has definitely gone past the boiling point of a nuclear reactor, and there’s no going back to Jay Cutler now. Welcome to the Jimmy Clausen era! How loud do you think Linkin Park was playing in Clausen’s car on the way to Soldier Field? Detroit can ill-afford to lose such a juicy matchup.

Win: Detroit Lions

Vikings @ Dolphins

Minnesota and Miami are two competitive yet incomplete teams. This will be a woefully boring game with plenty of stalled drives due to competent defenses and inconsistent QB play. The Dolphins earn the advantage with a stronger supporting cast even if the Vikings have the better head coach.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Falcons @ Saints

Is this a mirage or might the Saints have actually removed their collective heads from their asses? Atlanta is aggressively mediocre, but the key to that aggression is Julio Jones. If Jones can play and move reasonably well, then the Falcons have a chance to once again salvage their season. But with all of the issues on Atlanta’s defense, New Orleans could just run the ball down the throat of the Falcons.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Patriots @ Jets

Would it surprise you if I predicted a New York Jets win? It would surprise me as well. It isn’t happening. Despite the strong Jets defense, Geno Smith is still at QB so there’s no way New York will stumble into another unwanted win against a Patriots team intent on keeping home-field advantage in the AFC.

Win: New England Patriots

Chiefs @ Steelers

Has Alex Smith thrown a TD pass to a WR yet? Pittsburgh is a fantastic destination for opposing QBs to enjoy the holidays, but the Chiefs don’t figure to be the type to take advantage. While I hate the Steelers, Le’Veon Bell is becoming an unstoppable force. As long as Rapistberger keeps plays alive and protects the ball, Pittsburgh should convert on enough 3rd Downs to limit any possible danger from Kansas City. Of course, this is also the same Steelers team that routinely screws up winnable games like this one.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

Packers @ Buccaneers

Tampa Bay has nothing to play for while Green Bay needs to rebound and regain form before the playoffs.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Browns @ Panthers

Johnny Manziel’s debut didn’t go quite as planned. But were there any positives that indicate Manziel will do any better against another strong defense? This could go off the rails quickly for John Football. I don’t think Cam Newton will be anywhere close to 100%, but he’s capable of throwing from the pocket. It would not be shocking if Newton performed in similar fashion to Donovan McNabb’s broken ankle game. Carolina needs to keep Cam healthy, but Newton is the type of mobile QB that can be successful long-term because he’s a competent passer that uses his athleticism to extend plays and murder teams in the end zone.

It’s a weapon that’s more impactful as a threat that’s seldom used.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Ravens @ Texans

Welcome back, Case Keenum. Tony Romo’s gun-slinging cousin is back in Houston because the Texans can’t manage to keep a QB healthy. Baltimore doesn’t have the same stellar defense and Joe Flacco doesn’t air it out to the same degree, but the Ravens are at least average at every aspect of football. Against a defunct Texans offense, Baltimore’s well-rounded nature will serve them well over 60 minutes.

Win: Baltimore Ravens

Giants @ Rams

Ugh, what an ugly matchup. I would like to submit a formal request that the NFL combines these two teams and moves the franchise to Los Angeles. It would be so much better. We can salvage the last few years of Eli Manning’s productive career, there’s someone worthwhile in that treasure trove of mostly average RBs, Odell Beckham becomes an even bigger star, and that defense would be unstoppable. As it currently stands, we have a Giants team that’s totally given up on Tom Coughlin and a Rams team that’s just not talented enough offensively to be a playoff contender. Side with the better defense when all else fails.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Colts @ Cowboys

No one can reasonably expect DeMarco Murray to be his usual force of nature. Without his ability to control drives, Dallas will need Tony Romo to hit Dez Bryant early and often. Indianapolis’ defense is ripe to be ripped open, but Andrew Luck will keep the game close. If T.Y. Hilton can outperform Dez Bryant, that will likely indicate an Indianpolis win. Never discount Luck’s ability to pull the proverbial horseshoe out of his ass, but Dallas has so much to lose with a defeat to the Colts. Dallas is a contender, not a pretender.

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Bills @ Raiders

Buffalo against Oakland is such a festering pile of shit matchup. I don’t know if the product gets more watchable if you merge these two franchises, but it wouldn’t hurt to get rid of one of these depressing wastelands of football. Buffalo is NFL Siberia while Oakland is NFL Alcatraz. You can survive the cold nothingness of Siberia, but you cannot escape Alcatraz and live to tell about it.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Seahawks @ Cardinals

Arizona is transforming even more into The Walking Dead with the injury to Drew Stanton (Carl). But the Cardinals do not have enough healthy bodies to fight off the swarming Seahawks. If this game was in Seattle, there’s a genuine chance it would be 50-0. Arizona has a distinct home-field advantage, but it doesn’t mean as much without the talent to make the noise matter. Arizona’s only chance is probably a punt return TD. If Seattle has a pick-6, then the spirit of the Cardinals will be broken.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Broncos @ Bengals

Jeremy Hill poses a serious threat to Denver’s defense. The Broncos do not have a stout run defense, and Cincinnati could do real damage pounding the gates with Jeremy Hill and attacking the walls with Gio Bernard. If Peyton Manning remains limited with an injury, Denver will need C.J. Anderson to carry the offense once again. I’d rather save those larger loads for the playoffs when the stakes are more important. Denver would do well to maintain the No. 2 seed, but the Broncos don’t have much hope to supplant the Patriots to make the AFC playoffs run through Mile High. Peyton can and will win on the road.

Win: Denver Broncos

Last Week: 9-7
Overall: 143-80-1

Dolphins @ Bills

I have nothing interesting to say about this match-up. Ryan Tannehill has looked impressive (especially last week against New England), but I still don’t trust him. Buffalo always seems to pull off a last minute win whenever I give them no chance to win the game so be careful for another upset this week with Miami coming into town. But maybe, just maybe Mike Wallace has transformed back into a downfield difference maker again—or he could just lose interest because he’s that fickle.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Vikings @ Bengals

Again, I’m really grasping at straws for interesting angle on this boring game. The Bengals predictably bungled their primetime opportunity last week, but I just didn’t have the balls to call the upset because of my hatred for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Cincinnati could even fall victim to the upset this week if Minnesota can match the intensity produced in last week’s upset of the Philadelphia Eagles. But the injuries continue to mount for the Vikings, which makes their season that much more unexplainable and perplexing. Leslie Frazier may still warrant losing his head on the chopping block, but I’m guessing he gets another year in Minnesota—particularly if the Vikings maul the Bengals in this match-up. The Ginger Gunslinger needs a win badly to prevent Cincinnati to start looking elsewhere for a QB solution.

Win: Cincinnati Bengals

Colts @ Chiefs

Who knows what to expect out of the Colts? Indianapolis could upset the Chiefs since they’re a quality opponent and the Colts play up to their competition. Unfortunately, this game is in Kansas City, which doesn’t bode well for the reeling Colts. Andrew Luck is dragging his teammates to the finish line like Peyton Manning has done several times for the same team. I’m shocked that Indianapolis has surrounded their superstar quarterback with a mediocre supporting cast on offense that’s miraculously elevated by the QB play and the team still has a wildly inconsistent defense that’s consistent in the fact they suck. I expect Indianapolis to limp through these last games and make the playoffs—where they’ll surprise a team in the first round with a very rough, rugged effort throughout the game.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Buccaneers @ Rams

Both of these teams have been playing for pride a while. This is a classic mirror game as Tampa Bay and St. Louis are playing without their No. 1 quarterback that started the season, which has forced a back-up into action paired with a cavalcade of competent running backs and sneaky good defenses. I think the Buccaneers and Rams could enter the next level of NFL in 2014 with improved QB play. In this match-up, the difference will be the result of the better defense. Tampa Bay has more playmakers, but I’ll side with St. Louis because of Howie Long’s offspring—with the benefit of home-field to boot.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Browns @ Jets

Cleveland has perfected the art of sucking. The history of the Browns is a remarkable register of shitty seasons, and this year is just another skidmark in their dark brown times. But this is a season where they needed to be bad in order to set up a brighter future of better days. Don’t worry, Cleveland fans, the light at the end of the tunnel is coming near and Brandon Weeden will never play quarterback for you ever again—if there are any Football Gods, then Weeden will back-up Andy Dalton to form the ultimate Ginger Gunslingers tag team. I’m sure Brandon Weeden will find some way to fuck up this game even if he never plays. Maybe he pulls a Mike Tomlin and interferes with a return from the sidelines. In any event, Cleveland will uncover a way to pull defeat from the jaws of victory.

Win: New York Jets

Cowboys @ Redskins

Could the Dallas Cowboys really collapse here in the final weeks of the season again? And against the Washington Redskins? Granted, RGIII isn’t playing, but Kirk Cousins is competent enough (in Chad Henne territory and possibly even better) to move the ball in the air against the Dallas defense while Monte Kiffin is taking his mandatory mid-game nap. I just don’t know which dysfunction will win out. At this point, I don’t know if Mike Shanahan is indeed out the door. Jason Garrett looks like he’s as good as gone after displacing blame for last week’s debacle. With a flair for the dramatic, I think the Cowboys manage to hold onto a late lead this week to set them up for another primetime meltdown within the division.

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Saints @ Panthers

Did New Orleans lose their coach again? Are we sure Sean Payton is still with the Saints? I don’t know why the New Orleans Saints suffered defeat at the hands of the St. Louis Rams last week. Maybe the Saints just aren’t trustworthy on the road. But I don’t trust Cam Newton or the Carolina Panthers either. Since New Orleans has a better supporting cast, I’m going to hope last week was a hiccup. My faith is in your hands, Drew Brees. If the Carolina defense can make the new New Orleans LT into a turnstile, then the Saints will surely be making a Hail Mary at the end of the game.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Titans @ Jaguars

I really shouldn’t have to dedicate any time to this game. The Jaguars have been surprisingly spry in the second half of this season while the Titans have struggled mightily without Jake Locker—which could cost Mike Munchak (the dopey, fatter relative of Jim Schwartz) his job. Sadly, I like Chad Henne more than Ryan Fitzpatrick and that’s enough to make the difference in this match-up.

Win: Tennessee Titans

Broncos @ Texans

Last night, my gyros order was #18. And it was good. If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is so look for Peyton Manning (#18) to topple the Texans and add to his TD total—rightfully reclaiming his record from Tom Brady. Denver suffered a hiccup last week against San Diego, but so did the rest of those teams chasing them for the No. 1 seed. Facing Houston and Oakland in the last two weeks, the Broncos shouldn’t need to rest their starters because these games should be the perfect level of uncompetitive—barring a monumental defensive collapse. Denver needs Wes Welker healthy for the playoffs on offense, and Jack Del Rio needs to finally figure out how to stop opposing offenses.

Win: Denver Broncos

Giants @ Lions

Everyone has given up on the Giants. Everyone on the Giants has given up. I’m just not sure if the same is true for the Detroit Lions. Even though the Lions still have playoffs hopes, Detroit has been inexplicably undisciplined and Matthew Stafford has fallen apart. The New York Giants could be the remedy they need. With Calvin Johnson open all day, this should be a must-win that the Lions actually win.

Win: Detroit Lions

Cardinals @ Seahawks

The playoff chances for the Arizona Cardinals are ungood. More than likely, Arizona will be the best team not playing in January. Currently, the margin of error for the Cardinals is about as wide as a thin wisp of cotton candy and it too will disappear like spun sugar if they cannot upset the Seahawks in Seattle. It would be very interesting if Pete Carroll calls a vanilla game to give Arizona every opportunity to stay close and win in order to put an obstacle in the way of division rival San Francisco. Ultimately, I don’t see that happening and the Cardinals will struggle to put up the necessary points in Seattle to pull off the improbable. It was a good run, Arizona. Just don’t fall in love with Carson Palmer now.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Steelers @ Packers

Flynn!!! For Cowboys fans, it’s Matt Fucking Flynn. Still without Aaron Rodgers, the Green Bay Packers will turn to Matt Flynn to save their season. It makes no sense, but I think Flynn does it again.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Raiders @ Chargers

Kudos, San Diego. I admit I did not expect the Chargers perfectly executing the standard “control the ball” running game plan against the Broncos. Don’t get me wrong, I still despise Philip Rives and San Diego remains an underachieving mess. Fortunately, the Chargers draw the Oakland Raiders, which out-smells the smelliest burning garbage barge. Little Al Davis could be looking for a new coach again as the Raiders struggle to find an identity. Did Oakland set itself back by firing Hue Jackson and trading Carson Palmer for nothing? With hindsight, it certainly seems so. Good luck to the new Raiders coach this offseason.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Patriots @ Ravens

Alert: New England isn’t the same team without The Gronk. I’m shocked! The Patriots shouldn’t be as good without Grendel playing tight end. But New England is still an above-average team with all the tools to make a late run into the playoffs despite losing several playmakers. Baltimore is clicking on all cylinders and they seem primed to make the playoffs and defend their title. Something just doesn’t seem right and I can’t ride the momentum that’s heading into this match-up. Tom Brady will find a way to win this game because the Patriots do not want to see Baltimore again in the playoffs.

Win: New England Patriots

Falcons @ 49ers

Jim Harbaugh is not letting the 49ers fall into a trap game. Atlanta has escaped with a few wins to spray an air freshener on their turd of a season. But the Falcons will not be able to surprise San Francisco this week. Look for the 49ers to punish the putrid Atlanta defense on the ground and in the air. Regardless of rain, sleet, or snow, San Francisco will outdo the Post Office and deliver on Sunday despite the conditions.

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Bears @ Eagles

No Smokin' in the Bathroom

In the semi-finals match-up of Fantasy Football, I started Smokin’ Jay Cutler in his return (over the benched RGIII) to salvage my auto-drafted mess of a season. Like several others, I ran into the 51+ point buzz saw named Jamaal Charles. And so my ship was sunk. But I didn’t lose because of Jay Cutler. The Bears benefitted from the boom or bust play of Smokin’ Jay. After last week’s mysterious X-Files-esque loss, the Philadelphia Eagles may not even need to play their starters depending on how the earlier games shake out. Chicago’s stakes seem like they’ll be considerably higher, and I’m hoping for a Week 17 payoff in a potential Aaron Rodgers return against Cutler for the division title.

Win: Chicago Bears